What goes on in your horses mind when competing?!

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MagicMelon

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Following on from the post about what goes on in your head when show jumping. What do you think your horse is thinking when doing your disipline??

Dressage:

Black one probably thinks "oh jeezus this is boring. I'm hungry. I'm fed up. I'm cold. I'm thirsty. I'm tired. I wanna go home"

Grey horse thinks "Right, what does she want me to do now? We're halting now but that can't be all she wants.... I'll do a turn on the forehand? No, wrong. Ok uhhh lets try reversing? Nope, damn it what does she want from me?!!!" (He over-analyses everything and his brain is permanently on overdrive, he tries way too hard!).

SJ / XC:

Black one "Ho hum, might pop in a little bronc here for that lurverly sexy mare by the warm up ring, is she looking yet? No, right lets bronc a bit more and do some high-pitched squeels, that'll get her attention. Dum de dum de dum, OMG A JUMP! AGHHHHHHHH I haven't got my legs ready yet! OH DAMN, I assume I was meant to go through that? I'm tired."

Grey one "Woo hoo, jumpety jump. Yey! Mum leave me to it will you? Just sit there and PRETEND you're doing it all, jeez amateurs *rolls eyes*"
 
Mine thinks:

Dressage- Boring, are we nearly there yet, I can hardly stay awake
SJ- right where are we turning now, let me at them, oh no not sure about that one, what the hell is mum asking, she wants me to do that, christ that is gonna eat me,
XC - what the f**k is that, this is where I swear I should stop smoking, hang on isn't home this way, I am here now so I will try it, oh look at the scenery.

Can you tell she is inconsistent lol
 
Olympic will go into the ring and think -

WTF is this!?! The two legged one expects me to jump this ? Boring! Were over the first fence so we must be in the JO now, let's go faster!
Oh balls I'm sure there was an extra half stride through that double, ah well......let's go faster!
Why are we doing laps of the arena? Does she want me to stop or something? And why on earth is she giggling? Stupid two legged one...
 
Mine places her mind safely in the poo collection bucket on the way into the arena. She knows she wont need it again until she is on her way home.
 
Winston

Dressage, I dunno what all the fuss is about, i can do this phase all day durrr! ooo you want me to look pretty, i can do that. Look at me, this phase is so easy - but keep kicking mum
wink.gif


SJing, Oh, here we go, mums not very good at this phase... now if she rides me right and quits panicing i will jump clear, if she decides to shuffle i will stop. Ooo shes shuffling... oh no shes stopped, here we go up and over.

XC, right best have a crap before the off... thats better. Right where we going, why are we walking round in circles why cant i just stand in teh box talking to the starter - save energy!
Ooo we're off, TALLY HO! im sure we might come across a hound or two then the fun will really start - oo here go, fence here....WEEEEEE oh lets have a buck that will wake mum up.OOo Finish line, neigh to friends, *hi guys im back*

Snoop

Dressage, so whats this all about then...

SJing, lets go really fast so mum pulls and i can really take the piss then
tongue.gif


XC, oh i think i know about this stuff, only dont if a few times but we gallop and jump and theres no stopping - bit like hacking round the park, only theres ppl here to watch *ME*
 
Dressage:

"I hope i'm doing the right thing, I hope mummy's proud of me...oh that's a little hard bit i'll give it a go and try my hardest"

SJ: "Ye ha...faster, faster, faster....stop pulling I wanna go faster"

XC: "FASTER FASTER FASTER...no I will not slow down...I KNOW BEST!"
 
Dressage - Sigh!

Show Jumping - whoopppeeeeeee.

Cross Country - I like going fast but I like to see where my feet are going to end up.
 
Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump Jump
 
Paris: "Oh god, I was destined for better things than this darling.....ooooo what shampoo do you use, i simply love the way you've done your hair.......just ignore rider, just ignore rider.....is that a polo, well OK of you insist..."

Beastie: " Don't tell me what to do, don't tell me what to do, don't tell me what to do...bloody bossy women, thinking they know best, making me prance round in a dressage arena and over coloured poles, does she know who I am, I'm the MFH's horse.....OH MY GOD ITS A JUMP, WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?....."
 
showjumping
J - Way-Hey "squeal squeal squeal" in - out - shake it all about - Zzzzzoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom - i love jumpy wumpy - i love jumpy wumpy - i love showing off, oh how i love showing of! look at me everybody!!!! hee hee hee great fun!! - why does mummy sound out of breath - i did all the hard work?

C - hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm not sure i was built for all this kind of thing - never mind, i'll try, i hope i'm gonna get some sweeties for this?

DRESSAGE
J - I know this dance routine off by heart - watch me everybody - god i'm so gorg! is that mare over there giving me the come on? oh oh oh she is shes winking at me!!! i think that gelding over there is a bit sexier though!

C - God how boring - cooooeeeeee Ginge - can you see me? no? cooooooooeeeeeeee Ginge? COOOOOEEEEE GINGE!! thats better, look at this, if i stand on the boards mummy gets really upset - look - ha ha ha ha (hope i'm gonna get some sweeties)

XC
J - hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee - look at me, look at my stupid tail that mummies tied up, if i whack it about i might hit someone - hee hee hee hee

C - Can my life get any worse - i want to go home, i wonder if anyones got any sweeties?
 
Boss- dressage, boring..... tra la la la la whats over here then, ooh change, ooh another change, hey mum, changes are fun, lets do those! Extended canter? Right, we're off.....

sj- meh boring, can do it easy peasy. Actually, cant be bothered now, lets wait on this corner and make mum cross

xc- right mum we're off, there aint nothing you can do about it
 
Dressage - this is dull, look I can see the XC, look, it's just over there, no, really, not far at all, just there, look, look!

SJ - faster, faster, faster.

XC - finally, the fun bit - weeeeeeeee
 
dressage - boring whats the point in this? wheres the jumps?

SJ- right i know what i`m doing! no i dont want to listen to you just steer!

xc - woo hoo!! gallop gallop gallop gallop oh was that a jump back there i didnt notice it!
smirk.gif
 
Sparks:

Dressage - prancy, prancy, is thet all she ever f***ing wants to do? *squeal & attempt to kick others* GET LOST the entire arena is my personal space *pin ears* Ohhhhhhhhhhh stallion, yoohoo look at meeeeeeeeeee, aren't I fabulous?!

SJing - too small, boooooored, too small, maybe going faster would make it fun? Look idiot girl, stop pulling me back I was bred for this don't you know?! Well fine, if you want a fight...

HTs - faster, fatser, faster F**kkkkkkkkkkkkkk that's a scary horse eating monster *slam on brakes*

Hunting - gallop, gallop gallop gallop gallop gallop jump to get to next gallop, galllop, gallop, gallop, gallop (repeat as necessary)
 
Hmmmmm....

Bo SJ'ing would go something like this.

NO....NO....You can't make me go in there......NOPE....absolutely not....under NO circumstances whatsover....and that's my final word.................Oh......okay......go on then.

Hey everyone, look at meheee....over here......yo......coooeee....loooook !

*Bell rings*

TING ! Lez go dad...c'mon...what you waiting for...the first fence must be THIS one....No
crazy.gif
Okay, how about THIS one
tongue.gif
Arghhhhh.....Daaaaad....nooooooo it's NOT the tiny one......arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

*Ping*

See dad...it's easy....look, there's a MUCH bigger one over there
grin.gif
No
confused.gif
What ? You say we've got to stick to the kids stuff.....

Right....this is poxy
mad.gif


Daaaaaaad....I was doing bigger than this in creche....and that was aaagggeeeeesss ago
frown.gif


*Thinks*
tongue.gif


RIGHT ! Where's the exit...I can't be doing with this. It's doing my street cred NO good at all
mad.gif


Exit stage left at the first available opportunity
grin.gif
 
Dressage: Right, I know how to do this, OH MY GOD ITS A MONSTER WHITE THING, ok where were we, centre line OH MY GOD A JUDGES BOX, track right, fine this is fun I can trot very happily, you want medium, I can give you medium wheeeeee off we go, OH MY GOD ITS A FLOWERPOT, canter, but you said left canter what do you mean I'm on the wrong leg thats not fair MEGA STROP I HATE YOU, ok right canter I can do this.
Walk, I hate walking GET OFF MY FACE DON'T TOUCH MY MOUTH IN WALK I HATE YOU I WANT TO PIAFFE, oh nearly done are we, centre line halt - NO ITS THE JUDGES BOX AGAIN, salute, exit arena in lovely walk waiting for my polo.

And he's a dressage horse......
 
Dressage - oh I've cantered now, lets go mother, OMG a white board!!!

SJing - wooooooooooooo jumpes, let me gooooo, oh this jump is under 3ft, lets jump it like its 4ft!!! zooooooooom

XC - ahhhh ditch..omg a drop... lets P!ss off up the hill weeheeee mother this is fun.

Showing - wow i get to jump as well as look pretty, this is great.
 
Some of the replies to this are really funny!!

B - Ok I can do this, I've seen coloured poles before, deep breath and canter, Is it the jump off yet? Shall I turn now? How bout now? Can we start cutting corners yet? Ok jump off - land and turn land and ohhh that was a bit tight, ewww who put that water tray there!!

F - Ok mum, yes mum, take off from here? ok but I really had to stretch for that, whats next? ok mum. Jump off, Ohh lets go... my legs are going really fast (yes, but unfourtunately you're still covering the same amount of ground you're just taking more strides) I know but its really cool and it feels like I'm going fast
 
Big lad: woowwwWW! DRESSAGE! This is the most exciting thing ever. WOW! LOOK at everything. I've never seen THAT shade of white board before.
OH, I was wrong, SJ is THE most exciting thing in the world. OHHH, I'll not let those nasty poles touch MY legs.
dedleddedlededled(galloping rintune) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE XC!

pony:right, I'm a goo dpony, she belives me. so a quick turn, duck, buck and....damn she's still there. Right, dressage over. If I screw up the SJ she won't make me go xc. Oh, oops, I meant to stop there, this one will do. Ah, xc, but....but.....she told me it was pairs! I need a friend!!!!!! (damn...the insecure bit failed....maybe if I buck when we cross the finishing line JUST to surprise her?)
 
Dressage - you want me to use a bit more energy? Are you sure? Why? Can't see any jumps I don't need to you know.

SJ - What do you mean slow down and keep in a rhythm - there's a jump there - I know best and I want to pelt at it. What do mean we're not jumping fence 2 again back to front - its there in front of me - Oh we're turning past it to this one. Why are we going so steady??? I know I'll throw the odd buck in just to let her know how annoying that is.

XC - WOOOOHOOOO - now I can gallop AND jump - hooray! Ooops scary water - aarrrggghhh.
 
Dressage......

No I won't and you can't make me, go on get red in the face and start swearing at me under your breath if you want to - better hope the judges can 't see you...I feel you lifting that hand to tickle me with that thing on the far side of the judges but I think they need to know about cruelty to horses so I'm gonna buck just to make sure they saw it.....have you given up yet have you given up yet...you have? OK now let me show you what I can do when I want to....*prances along for approximately 47 seconds like a dressage diva*

SJ....hmmmm these are a bit small, we'll be back in the horse box much quicker if I just go flat out....stop fiddling with my mouth woman......what do you mean you want me to turn here...I'm a 16hh f*cking horse, not a 12 2 pony, oh all right then...would you like me to jump it sideways???
Ow I hit something....that was your fault you silly cow....buck buck

XC....trotting round in circles is nice....what does she mean she wants me to go to that fence over there, but all my mates are here....buck buck general prance....Oh it's cross-country - deadly!! We can go much faster than this Mum - let me show you....no you can't have any control of my mouth you are just there to steer, reassure me there are no horse eating monsters and remind me when we're supposed to jump....Agggghhhhhh, you never said there was water at the far side of that - no I won't go in no I wont go in, I washed my legs last night thankyou very much....
OH all right then if I have to.....
 
My two boys have been retired some time now but I still have fond memories!!!! So here goes!!

R- Dressage. Oh yeah, we go down the centre line and stop. Is that good mum? Are you pleased with me. Did I get it right? Ok now trot, Im really trying to keep my outline for you, but its hard. Oh canter down the long side, do you want me to go a bit faster? I will if you want? Oh I need a wee. Cross m legs and keep going. I really do need a wee mum. Ok just another trot but I so need a wee. Down centre line. Halt off out of the arena. Mummy is pleased with me! Oh!!! Exit at A. Stop and have a wee!!!! Relief!!!

Show jumping
Ok whatever you say mum. That one? Ok . Thats a big one!!! Oh mum you think I can do it? I must be able to then! Yep cleared it. Please dont make me go fast though! Are you pleased with me? Can I have another pat? Aww mummy said Im a good boy, just as I was getting worried!! Ive calmed down again now!! Through the finish. Have I been a good boy mum? Are you pleased with me? Mummys pleased with me!!!! Yeah!!!! Oh I need to wee!!!!

Cross country

Ok mum off we go. Oh thats a big one!!!Im not sure... Oh you think I can do it... Ok then I'll do it... Are you pleased with me?? Oh there a ditch coming up.... Ok mum if you say I can do it I'll give it a go... Water... yep jump into that... Oh no!!! I need a wee!!Are you pleased mummy? Am I being a good boy? Mummy, Are you pleased mummy? Am I being a good boy? Please tell me Im getting worried now!!! Oh thanks for that mum. I am a good boy... Over the finish.. Mummy is soooo pleased with mee. Big pats and hugs!!! Oh I need a wee!!!

C- Dressage

Excellent. no jumps. Yep this is easy. Shall I spook today? Mmmmmm.... White boards.... Could be a jump- best steer clear!!! Mmmmmm judges car... Could be a jump... best steer clear. What games can I play.... I know... lets not lengthen today.. I did that yeaterday... And if I do too well I might have to do harder things.....But heh dont I look pretty!!!
I'll just do enough to keep her happy... dont want to do too much... need to conserve energy for prancing round the field!!
Just to enough to get a rosette and avoid a smacked bottom!!!


Show jumping- Are you having a laugh!!!!

XC- You are definitely having a laugh!!!!
 
SHowing - Ohh look people are looking at me! got to flick the toes!! look at me people arn't i gorgeous! LOOK! oi you over there you were not looking at me! Hmm wonder if mummy put her super glue on her jods today? oh well we weill have to test it! (insert 6 ft buck), Mummy what are you doing down there? im supposed to be looking pretty and you covered in mud sprawled on the floor isnt helping!

Dressage - ohh more people looking at me!! argggg is the pony eating car and those white boards are out to get me. oh look is that pride, must talk to him about something. hmm you want me to canter ok but i dont like it so im going to chuck my head around.

Showjumping - nope not going anywhere near that pony eating coloured thing nope not! you cant make me!! nope its going to eat me! nope nope nope not doing it nope i refuse! i can keep this up all day what about you? no your not getting me over that thing i dont do jumping. nope not happening, oh ok theyve dropped the pole to 6 inches ok i'll do that one. that wasnt soo bad so wheres the next one? why are we leaving the arena?

XC- ohh open field must gallop!! what do you mean that galloping flat out at a big jump isnt a good idea, nope not slowing down, hey stop pulling at my mouth im going to protest at this treatment (insert several 6ft bucks, a couple of rears and some spinning in circles), YOU cant make me slow down nahnah!! oh jump ping, ok now were going to that one, what do you want now? no im not turning i dont like that pony eating tree so im not going towards it, i'm going down this hill at a gallop? why is mummy crying and shakeing?

Hacking out - la la la oh look its a car do you think they have food? ohh look kids they deffinately have food wonder if they will give me any? nope and the big 2 legger doesnt seem impressed at mummy? wonder why i only asked to share the icecream? hmm grass got to gallop. ohh i wonder if that black bin bagf wants to be friends?? oh it does now how do i play with this? ah ok pick it up and shake it! argggggggggg! it made a funny sound, i dont like it any more! oh look a tractor time to scare mummy whitless and do the whole bucking spinning plunging pony lark tis fun to see mum all flustered!

le trec - hmm just like hacking! wonder if i'll have any tractors to play up with! no oh pooey! hmm ok now she wants me to walk fast, i dont do fast walking, nope wont! ok canter slowly ok will on the spot do for you mummy? is that a bridge? nope not going over it they have trolls under them dont you know!! hmm whats that, yes i know i go over a bigger rattleier one everyday out hacking, but that ones not got a troll under it! how do i know that well ive tested it! oh that flower moved its going to eat me! oh i wonder what i can spook at next, hmm jumping shadows sounds fun!
 
Dressage; all depends her mood but normally I will try my best but mum if your not going to ask me properly I won't do what you want me to do

SJ:
Leave me alone I know what I am doing. If she stops and you tell her off, its more like, 'how dare you do that to me *bucks, runs backwards*'

XC
Not sure as she hasn't been since she was 6 and she is now 11 but thats beacuse of her navicular.
But when she did xc 'faster faster, this is fun'
 
Dressage - 'Where are the jumps? This is so boring, lets go really fast and get it over with as quickly as possible.'

SJ - 'This is fun, yes I know what I'm doing mum, faster, faster, faster.'

XC - 'This is fun too, I like this galloping lark... ooh sh!t it's a ditch, I can't possibly go over that, the ditch monsters might eat me, oh mummy I'm scared!'
grin.gif
 
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