What to do...

[CatInTheSaddle]

Sorry, this is mostly for me to get my thoughts out of my head and try to make sense of them. But would be interested to hear perspectives from those who have been in similar scenarios.
I have owned horses for over 15 years now. Have always known how lucky I am. Back in my teens, I was extra privileged to own a horse who was just amazing. He is the only animal I have loved "above and beyond", I suppose - he was sharp, sensitive, emotional and an incredible competitor. Many of my best memories are with him. Rationality dictated however that I sell him before university and this I did. I feel like I have been searching for "him" ever since.
One failed warmblood later (no fault in either party, we simply didn't get on), I found a talented 6 year old down the road, fell in love and bought him. Had a magical first season, finally thought I'd cracked it. But things grew progressively rockier (due, in part, to external factors) until I all but completely lost my nerve. We have since rebuilt our relationship and my confidence but I struggle with taking him out and often wonder if we will ever be "competitive" again.
I have often thought that this hobby is supposed to be enjoyable, and that I need a horse that is slower, safer, and more consistent to ride. On the other hand, this horse lights up my heart. He is so communicative. He is can be incredible to ride. He has broadened my mind to alternate horsemanship and deeper understanding. I tell myself that it shouldn't matter if I never compete again, and most of the time I believe that. It is hard, though, not to sometimes think that the grass is greener with a "safer" horse.
The final piece of the puzzle is that several large life changes are on the horizon, chief of which is looking to start a family - not immediately, but in the next few years. This fills me with anxiety when I think about my horse. He thrives with regular occupation and routine. I struggled to see him this week (he is on full livery) and last night, when I finally got the chance, he was tense and closed off, as though 4 days had been enough to set him back. I don't know how we'll all cope, never mind progress, if there's a child in the mix.
I could sell him. This would utterly break my heart. I would agonise over his treatment with another rider - I would beat myself up for wasting his potential and setting him back. But it could be done. I worry, though, that my daydreams of a boring, steady horse who I can always rely on are complete fantasy, or that I would be just that - bored. Or that I would finally lose my nerve altogether.
I can keep him, and abandon my childhood dreams of competing. I was so lucky to compete with my teenage horse, and I can content myself with the memories. I don't know how I'll manage life changes further down the line, but I can worry about that then.
Or, I can keep him and really try to recover my competition nerve before starting a family. I'm not sure I can face that. The thought makes me want to cry. Alternatively, the thought of sitting back and letting this dream go just makes me feel quietly sad and empty.
So sorry for the essay. Thoughts welcome.

 

[doodle]

No idea really but will tell you my story! I bought a lovely, big warmblood. He scared me and I scared him by riding him as if he was my old horse that I had lost. What followed was a couple of friends riding and eventing him. I still hacked out but I was terrified and stuck to the safe 40mon road hack, or went in the achool. Friends were having a great time with him and he was doing brilliantly. However he was still a big strong horse but I could see he was huge amounts of fun. He wasn't perfect but I saw he was also not that scarey.

Then another person on the yard was horrible. Saying how I was miss treating him by not riding him enough and he was wasted and he should be sold for his own good.

This has the opposite outcome to what she wanted. She wanted me to sell him cheeply to her. I thought no way, and although I was close to selling him I loved him and so I learned to.ride him. I did it my way, I ignored the people laughing at me when I hacked out for 10mons. (And came back smiling cos I had at least done it) Fast forward and he is the most fun enjoyable horse ever. I utterly adore riding him. I have made my lifetime goal of doing BD. Doing it well and winning. Yes he is still a big sharp horse with huge movement and a sense of spooky fun. He has dumped me quite a few times in his spook spin move. While yes it is not great to walk home sometimes but it doesn't scare me. Now we mostly hack out and have the most fun ever. We
nanny other less confident riders. I laugh at him when he spooks and I feel so lucky for having such an awesome atv who will go anywhere. I
often wonder to myself why I was so scared of him.

So it can be done. If you want it to be done. I had to learn that he needs ridden in a totally different way to my old horse.

Equally between losing my old horse and getting this one I bought a "safe" horse. I hated him as he was so lazy and barely had a pulse and he hates me as I wanted him to do stuff! I sold him after 6months. There is no harm in selling a horse who doesn't suit you.

 

[meleeka]

I think in your shoes it’s better to regret something you’ve done than something you haven’t, so I’d take baby steps with the horse you have. It is possible to get your confidence back, but you have to keep the steps small and be prepared to really want it. Do you have lessons? That would he the first place I’d start, along with something like CBT.

Have a look at this too. It comes highly recommended and the person I know that did it hasn’t looked back.

Rider Confidence Lessons | Centre of Horseback Combat | England

We offer a unique combination of techniques, activities and approaches to eliminate fear and stress, and enable you to move up to the next level and beyond.

www.horsebackcombat.co.uk

 

[Squeak]

Really hard one, I've struggled on with a square peg, round hole sort of horse and it wasn't fun. There's times I've had horses who have made even competing at 80cm and doing a prelim hard work and I wonder how on earth everyone else does it. Then I've had another horse who makes it all easy, does anything you ask, can have a week off and still go out and compete and win at the weekend.

A safe horse isn't always a boring horse. It sounds like you really love your horse and although there is a chance it may all come right for, it sounds like you're going to be able to do less rather than more with him in the future and aren't enjoying what you're doing. Personally I would sell and buy another horse. There are lots of people who offer good homes and you can pick carefully who you sell to.

 

[fredflop]

Honestly I think you’d be better off selling him. You can take your time with it, or even if you could afford it, put him on sales livery with an eventer/sj.

I sold my last horse through circumstances. And although I felt awful having to do it, I couldn’t do any more for him. He went to a great home that had the time to pick up where I had to leave off.

 

[splashgirl45]

So many people wait to start their family and then find it doesn’t happen so I would be cautious about leaving it if you and your partners hearts are set on it. Your horse is still young so you could let him down and turn out for a year while you try for a family.. or is there someone you trust to ride him for a while while you sort out what you really want to do regarding family.. I found my mare very challenging and I lost confidence , I regained my confidence when I moved her to a yard with more hours of turnout, and 24/7 in summer , she was still sparky but not quite so wound up, would something like that be an option for you to help with your confidence… just giving you a few options to think about but only you know how much you want children or how much you want to compete. Hope this helps a bit

 

[#jackofallmasterofnone]

“This horse lights up my heart”’. That’s the key right! We never know what’s coming down the line and while it’s good to plan in terms of big life changes etc we can’t let it paralyse us with what if’s now.

You seem to be putting so much pressure on yourself about competing and while it shouldn’t make a difference if we are talking about metres or 130’s it kind of does. If you want to compete above a certain level and that is priority number 1 then looking for a horse who is well established for that level might be the way forward. A school master type who can just come out and pop around as and when needed. I don’t think that would be boring if your buzz comes from competing at those levels.

If you are talking about competing 110 and below then maybe worth another year with this horse you fell in love with and just go back to smaller heights and build the confidence. If you are struggling on time in terms of being able to put in the consistent level of schooling to get this young horse to a more consistent competition stage perhaps a share could work. Pressure off you, horse getting competition experience, giving you time to get the confidence back.

You mentioned your horse is young. Good first year not so good second year … that can be kind of standard depending how horse was produced / for what job / by a pro for age classes etc.

I hope you start to feel a little better about things soon in can be quite the trip when we decide to go down the rabbit hole.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

I think you need to simplify your thinking and break down the questions.

Do I want a horse?
Do I want THIS horse?
If so what do I want to do with him?
If not what kind of a horse do I want?

And ignore the child issue for now too. There is no point selling a horse who lights you up NOW in case you have a child in 3-5 years! That's just a complication you don't need to give any thought to. I had a horse before I got pregant. I got a sharer. Horses and babies were fine. Horses and oler chidlren who wwere not interested did not work well, and I sold and was horse-free for a while. But those decisions get clarified as and when you need them to. It's not something you need to plan now.

From my reading of the post, you would be bored rigid with a safe plod. Whereas your current horse makes your heart sing. That is a rare and precious thing. So I'd keep him.

Next question: What to do with him? If you want to compete, but nerves are holding you back then get help with that. But there are a million ways to enjoy any horse so maybe you can find another way of being with your horse you would find rewarding. Make sure your competitive urges are not 'shoulds' or based on other people's perceptions. He does not give a damn if he is 'wasted'. Plus building a connection with a horse through nh is the purest way of enjoying the horse to whatever level you want. Plus things change. This winter could be foundation and relationship building. You might dip your toes into competing again next year. You may love it. Who knows. I gave up jumping for 5 years because it scared the life out of me, and assumed I'd never jump again. But things change.

Horses thrive on routine so if you ride most days then have a 4 day gap they might feel different. Lottie feels different after 1 day off. But not after 3 weeks.....

So if they are ridden every 4 days longer term, they adjust.

Hope that makes some sense.

 

[Cragrat]

How good a fit is the livery yard for you and your horse? Are they supportive? Or can you ask for recommendations for a good professional, that you click with ( that is more important than fancy credentials)?

I agree with those who say to not sell a horse who makes your heart sing. There are ways to work on your relationship. I've no idea where you are, but I've heard amazing things about Joe Midgely. My daughter was going to go to him with her horse . It was similar-ish situation - she ADORES the mare, but she was having issues which were eroding her confidence. She was starting to talk of selling her, but cried every time she mentioned it. As it happens, she confessed all to her regular instructor, with lots of tears. Said instructor gave her a couple of lessons with a different focus, and my daughter also went to a day camp with someone else - massive corner turned, now making huge progress.

 

[CatInTheSaddle]

Thank you so much everyone, really sound advice (and interesting that it isn't unanimous, which feels validating for me being so torn!). I was feeling very daunted by it all this morning, hence making the post. But tonight he was just perfect - he seemed secure again and we had such magical ride. He is a horse who, when I get it right, is a true partner. Just amazing. So I think that answers the question of whether I want to ride or whether I want to ride him!
And thank you for the suggestions and questions. It's given me a lot to think about. I am a perfectionist (attempting recovery) and have gone through a serious "reset" in how I ride and train for the past 6 months, which has been challenging. But tonight makes it all worth it. I'm working on giving myself more grace and not trying to take control of situations by worrying. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply

 

[Bernster]

Not sure this is adding much to the above but I wanted to comment as I feel similar to you in some ways. I’ve actually got both which I know is very fortunate. I have a sane, safe and dependable gelding, Finn. He’s my go to if I have a confidence wobble (although in the past I’ve had my wobbles on him too!). Not sure if he can compete him again as he’s had some health issues (melanoma related) and they’re likely to get worse not better sadly.

Then I got a sportier model post covid who is a more sensitive ride and buzzier. I had a bad fall and haven’t jumped him since and not sure if/when I will. So I’m having to think about how much I want to compete (jumping). Fortunately, we’re progressing well in the flatwork so we’re competing at dressage comps.

I‘m also getting older and stiffer so I have to factor that in aswell.

I’ve thought about selling him as he really does light up jumping and clearly enjoys it (he had such a happy face last week when my friend took him out). He’d be a perfect teenager‘s horse or for someone braver than me, but he’s such a sweetheart and I love riding him. My riding has improved loads since riding him and he makes me smile. So, for now, he’s being cared for and is happy, I’m enjoying riding him, and giving myself time to decide what I want to do. I’ve also booked myself onto a confidence mindset workshop soon to help work out where my head is at.

Overall I’m a bit of a mix of being happy doing what we’re doing and trying to improve that but not quite giving up on my dreams just yet and seeing of I can work on that too, and trusting that time and effort will do the rest. These are very first world problems I realise and the main thing is to have happy, healthy horses - and rider!

 

[Lucky Snowball]

I’m wondering if a sharer might help. Someone to love and hack, maybe not compete but add some miles on the clock.