What would you do ... to tell or not to tell ...

Z

zeuscleoharmony

Well-Known Member
Joined
22 May 2009
Messages
778
Location
Portsmouth, Hampshire
Visit site
My hubby is the most fantastic man.

Where horses are concerned, although he is supportive, he is not interested in them at all and sees them as quite pointless and a drain on finances.

Archie could do with a companion. In the past I have made enquiries and told hubby what I am doing and he stresses and gets uptight - I think probably about the financial commitment more than anything and the drain of money. I have tended to let things lie at these points but this leaves Archie without a companion.

I have recently been on the Bluecross website and they actually offer financial assistance for things such as vaccs, teeth, health checks, etc and I think this would make my husband happier, knowing if anything happened to him jobwise we would have a bolster there for things.

Whereas before I have always spoken to him about things beforehand and stressed him completely, this time I would like to make enquiries and if they come up with something suitable thought I would cross the bridge when I come to it. This way, if nothing happens he hasn't stressed about nothing. If something does happen then I will explain things fully.

Am I wrong? I must say, I feel very uncomfortable about even thinking about making enquiries as I have never kept anything from him but I need to choose my timing carefully and if nothing comes of my enquiries would have stressed him over nothing.

What would you do.
 
You're not keeping things from him, you're researching, which is most sensible
smile.gif
.

My hubby goes off and researches all sorts of things - I get to hear about them when there's something interesting to tell me, or he knows what he wants for his Birthday(!), or I hound him to 'have something'.

You know yours best. Would he feel that you're going behind his back, or would he appreciate the effort you've made?

smile.gif
 
Is there anyway you can broach the subject, but in such a way, he THINKS it is his idea to have a rescue horse?
You could try leaving leaflets about the house, and mention casually about the assistance the charities now give with hefty equine bills.
If he THINKS
grin.gif
it is his idea, he's bound to approve it!
Good luck.
 
Hi Callyh - its not the looking after as my companion would get much the same attention as Archie does but its the financial commitment. TBH I don't think it will make much difference as I am looking for a small companion but its convincing a non-horsey husband that sees them as pointless and a drain that is my problem. Saying that, he is wonderful in all other ways, just doesn't understand what us horsey people see in them.
 
Would discuss it with him openly, don't know if you work?? But would say some part time if you don't so you can contribute financially be an option??
 
How would you feel if he was making enquiries on websites for someone to have a threesome with?

And if you 'found out' before he had told you, wouldn't his deceit be insult to injury?... and would you ever believe he had intended to tell you?

Granted this is possibly a strange comparison
crazy.gif
but my point is that by hiding enquiries into something that he is so explicitely against (as I assume you would be about threesomes
tongue.gif
) you will probably make matters worse
confused.gif
 
JR, MrsM - thats what I thought but needed advice - no real harm in researching. No, he definitely wouldn't think I was going behind his back. My goodness, this is a man who has come home from work and found the house up for sale with a board up outside ... honest!

Spotty... I know what you are saying and will keep this as my trump card.

xxx
 
[ QUOTE ]
How would you feel if he was making enquiries on websites for someone to have a threesome with?

And if you 'found out' before he had told you, wouldn't his deceit be insult to injury?... and would you ever believe he had intended to tell you?

Granted this is possibly a strange comparison
crazy.gif
but my point is that by hiding enquiries into something that he is so explicitely against (as I assume you would be about threesomes
tongue.gif
) you will probably make matters worse
confused.gif


[/ QUOTE ]

Strange comparison?!? ... Erm, yes, definitely. I did not say he was explicitly against, either, just needs gentle persuasion ...

P.S. I may like threesomes :P
 
its similar to buying a new dress and shoes and hiding them in the wardrobe!!! depends if you are paying livery, or horses at home? he might spot it then! dinky ponies dont require huge amounts of food or hay but would incurr a base livery fee, feet, teeth and worming! could you not skim off the house keeping? sometimes women need to work on a ? need to know?
 
In regards to the original question, you know your OH best.

For what it's worth, mine would be really offended and angry if i did that, he would think it was being 'sneaky'.

Just tell him straight: Archie needs a companion, it's unhealthy to be kept alone. The best option you can think of is the Blue Cross as they offer financial assistance and so if anything does happen in regards to his job, at least there is less worry. My policy is always complete openness and honesty. I've been bitten by the 'i'll tell him if it comes to anything' plan before- trust me it did not work out well!
 
I don't think there is any harm researching it. If the Blue Corss offer financial assistance, do all your sums, (shave a bit off the total) and make your calculations look as complicated as possible. if he is anything like my husband he'll be forced to nod sagely as you run through your 'proposal' because he will automatically slip into 'work' mode. using a white board and a pie chart or a graph of some kin dis a real winner!
 
Poddling back 'cos I'm bored
smile.gif
.

Mine would be asking me questions straight away, so I'd need to have the answers to hand in so far as I could. He wouldn't consider it underhanded in any way. He would say that I was going to do it any way so why bother asking
blush.gif
cool.gif
, but that's me *whistles innocently*.

Interesting analogy from ali_m
cool.gif
.

Think I need a cup of tea, but all my slaves have gone to bed. Ho hum. Think I was going to bed about an hour ago.
 
just say it would make me so happy and the horse needs a friend....................say it 1000 times a night until he gives in!!! oh and find a picture of a really cute one!
 
and a companion could solve the problem of birthday, christmas and anniversary presents for the next year or so? happy pony happy mummy!! happy husband and family! go girl
 
or, a bit extreme this one, have a baby! I now have a horse mad seven year old and OH is actually thinking of getting a horsie to keep on part livery, just for her! It's not going to happen in the next six weeks but he's gone from 'no way Pedro!" to, "let's cross that bridge when you have the money to buy one". That means, yes!
laugh.gif
 
Just watch out about charities that say they will contribute. My "fully expensed" four cats received their first month's worth of cat food and cat litter and then no more - for eight years. When I asked about vets bills for one of them you'd have thought I was asking for the crown jewels. No I didn't get the bill paid!
 
I think you have to be upfront about it. I agree with somethingorother on this really.
My hubby is non horsey too and this is often an advantage as they only know what you tell them. Id tell him about the Bluecross and that you are thinking of finding out more and then ring them asap. My hubby probably wouldnt be too pleased but would accept it as he knows no better.
blush.gif
 
I would think making enquiries if a good idea. If he found out before you were ready to tell him you would just say ' I know we wouldn't want the extra drain on our resources but I was told about this and thought it would be the perfect answer without the costs involved. I didn't know if it was even true so have found out'

whatever he is interested in i.e motorcycles and say that if someone told you so and so was giving away XXXXbike would you have at least found out if it was true??
 
I bought a companion for my horse (didnt work out) and sold him on after a year my husband had no idea and have since bought a neglected clydesdale and he still has no idea and thinks i only have 1. Think my marrage would go tits up if he ever found out but nobody gonna tell are they?
 
QR - I'm sorry if I have misunderstood the thread, but why on earth would you get another horse without discussing it with your OH?!
confused.gif
 
I found myself in a very similar situation to you a couple of years ago. My horse was living alone and needed and companion and OH wasn't keen on taking on any more expense. My horse is kept on my parents land so I don't pay livery but there are still lots of other costs for keeping another horse.

When I finally convinced my OH that we needed a companion we considered all the possibilities, from taking on a livery( could turn out to be more trouble that it was worth), buying a cheap young pony ( not a good idea to leave it on its own in field while I ride), buying a donkey( couldn't find one) or loaning a companion.

It was my OH who found the loan horse. He is unsound and his owners wanted a horse to ride but couldn't afford costs for 2.
I was a little worried in case his problems got worse and needed expensive vet treatment so his owners agreed to pay vet bills, they also give me some winter feed and rugs. I worm him, have his feed trimmed, feed hay and look after him as my own.
So far this has worked out really well. What ever you take on will incur expenses and I can understand your OH worries,but you have to do whats best for your horse.

A loan like mine would be ideal for you,and give your OH less to worry about, but they are not easy to find. Some people (NOT ALL) want you to take their unsound horses and ponies on loan and expect you to take on all vet costs which is not really fair.

Sorry this is so long. I wish you good luck in finding a solution.
 
Well.....I find out and do research before presenting OH with my ideas......sometimes he gets narked that I have been trawling the internet and plotting stuff, but my argument is always that if I had found out that whatever it is, is not do-able then I wouldn't even have broached it.........he then is presented with my idea and all the relevant facts/figures pro's and cons and we discuss it at great length.

If he agrees I go ahead and do it and he is happy thinking he has had input.
If he doesnt agree, he usually says 'its your money- do what you want'.....so I do
grin.gif
and it generally works out ok.
 
I think if you're keeping your horse at home, the cost of a companion is negligable. And certainly if your horse is currently kept on his own, he needs one.

So yep, I'd tell OH that you will be getting one - and one from a charity like the Blue Cross or WHW would be perfect.
 
Just to clarify, do you work or is your husband the sole earner of the house?

The way you wrote that if anything happened to 'him' jobwise, makes it sound like he is the only one earning. If that is the case then he has every right to know what you are planning to do with the money that he has to work for to earn. At the end of the day, horse ownership is a luxury not a requirement.

Sorry if that sounds harsh
 
I think there is a line between doing research/making enquiries, and actually filling in an application form. OH really ought to be involved somewhere between the two. No point in bothering him with an idea that you know nothing about and may not be interested in/eligible for after further research. Equally, it is terribly unfair to present him with a done deal/work in progress regardless of who pays the bills. That goes double if you aren't funding your hobby yourself.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top