What would you do.?

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Leaveittothediva

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I don't know if you have come across this before, but I get horseriding lessons, have been doing for many years at the same place. In fact I'm there longer that any of the others getting lessons, yet I'm only just considered a client to my instructor, she in fact said as much. Yet the others she considers friends, like they will go to shows together etc., and I never get an invite. I'm friendly to them all when I see them, there had been no row or bad feelings. The only reason I ask this is because when my instructor wants a dig out, I get a text, I get asked then alright. Maybe I'm seen as a soft touch. I'm not really sure. I have started to just talk business and distance myself from them, as I really don't think they have given me much choice. They certainly don't want me to be their friend. Am I right.?
 
Some people can be quite cliquey and don't want to change the dynamic of an established group of friends, which isn't very nice especially when you are the one being excluded. Why not ask if you could go along to one of the shows with them and push yourself forward a bit more? I wouldn't back-off too much. I would gently let them know that you are happy to help with the chores as long as they treat you in a more inclusive way. If they continue to exclude you then I would guess that perhaps there could be nicer to groups of people out there who would love to get to know you better.
 
As my misquote goes: 'There's nowt as odd as folk'.

What does 'dig out' mean? I'm not familiar with the term. Does it mean she wants money? What for?

With regards to invites, you could just come straight out and ask her nicely whats going on with the left out of invites thing - you have nothing to lose.

Do your lessons, stand your ground when needed if you think you are a soft touch. Sounds like there are nicer people to mix with than them/her.
 
At the end of the day you are a client to your instructor and I'm sure she limits how she sees you. If instructors were to become genuine friends with every client they had they wouldn't have enough hours in the day.

There could be a few reasons, none of which might reflect badly on you ; some people just click better than others ; some people prefer more sycophantic people around them; maybe the other lesson people are better grooms on the day; maybe they live closer to the showground so it's less of a trip for them. there could be any number of reasons.

Is it the instructor or the other lesson people you would like to be more friendly with?
 
Well, I often hear it said if you want to make friends, join a group or get a hobby, it's not necessarily true. I just simply don't want to be excluded by them surely that's not much to ask. I wouldn't do it to anyone.
 
I wasted a couple of years trying to find a way in to a group of horse friends once, and when I did eventually start being invited to things I found them to be so bitchy I didn't want to spend any time with them anymore :) Not that your group is necessarily like this, but I would recommend you get to know them as soon as you can & check they are the sort of people you would like to hang out with. Don't waste your time like I did!
 
Leaveittothediva said:
Oh. I mean when she wants my help with something at the yard.
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Ah. I see.

Then say no, you have other things arranged.
If you really want to test the water and try and angle an invite to one of their get togethers try following on with something like '.....but do get in contact on your next ......... (insert whatever event) it would be nice to have a proper catch up'. (Don't let her just use you for free labour).

See what her reply is and take it from there.

But from what you have said, it sounds to me like you are a client, you give her money. End of.

There are nice people to befriend, you can't force friendships.

Maybe consider just going elsewhere and finding a new instructor?
New yard, new people to get to know?

Best wishes,
 
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Start looking for somewhere else to ride. Your instructor seeing you as a client rather than a friend is fine but the cliqueiness and the using is not fine. You won't change them so look elsewhere and start afresh.
 
Kat said:
Start looking for somewhere else to ride. Your instructor seeing you as a client rather than a friend is fine but the cliqueiness and the using is not fine. You won't change them so look elsewhere and start afresh.
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Inclined to agree. If they're making you feel excluded, it's not nice, and it's not what you're looking for, which, I presume, is an enjoyable experience.

It's a hard fact of life that sometimes people just aren't very nice. Maybe they're just a bit unthinking, or a bit self-absorbed, rather than anything personal towards you, but it's still not a nice feeling.
 
I'm guessing you are considerably younger than your instructor? Not everyone wants friends who aren't of a similar age to themselves. When I was teaching, I was friendly with my clients but would never have socialised with any of them, and they never asked me to anyway.
 
Leaveittothediva said:
I don't know if you have come across this before, but I get horseriding lessons, have been doing for many years at the same place. In fact I'm there longer that any of the others getting lessons, yet I'm only just considered a client to my instructor, she in fact said as much. Yet the others she considers friends, like they will go to shows together etc., and I never get an invite. I'm friendly to them all when I see them, there had been no row or bad feelings. The only reason I ask this is because when my instructor wants a dig out, I get a text, I get asked then alright. Maybe I'm seen as a soft touch. I'm not really sure. I have started to just talk business and distance myself from them, as I really don't think they have given me much choice. They certainly don't want me to be their friend. Am I right.?
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I can imagine this is quite frustrating and hurtful for you... but control your inner green goblin.

Personally, I would behave like a client if I was being treated like one. Don't be so ready to offer up your volunteering next time. Go for your lessons and leave. If you really were so useful, I'm sure your instructor will start to miss you terrible as jobs don't get done and she's lost her "helpful client".

With your new-found spare time, you could start looking for somewhere you really want to be.

After all, you're doing this for the love of horses right? Not the love of cliquey people.

Always paddle your own canoe.
 
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