When to tell my teen her horse will be PTS

[Lisa2526]

Looking for advice please. My 14 year old is aware that her horse is arthritic and deteriorating and will need pts. We've told her it will be at and point this summer. She's very sad about it and I'm just trying to figure out how much notice we should give her.

On one hand, I wouldn't want to give her the date now and have her agonise for weeks about it. That would be very distressing for her. In the other hand, springing it on her rigid also be terrible as she wouldn't have time to prepare herself. Anyone with similar existing or words of wisdom please?

 

[Lisa2526]

Sorry...typos!
*rigid = would
*existing = experience

 

[Spotherisk]

I’m sorry you have to make the decision, but you know your child best to work out how best to deal with it. Perhaps if there are exams to consider soon and it isn’t a problem for the horse then I wouldn’t bring the subject up again just yet?

 

[Snow Falcon]

Sadly I've just had my mare PTS. My son knew we'd had issues with her. When they came home from school I told both my sons and let them make the decision if they wanted to say goodbye or not. If your daughter is already aware it is going to happen this year then once you've booked it tell her then maybe. You know your daughter best but I would personally avoid telling her weeks in advance.

 

[FinnishLapphund]

One of my nephews went to Greenland to work a seasonal job a few weeks ago, he visited several times before he left because he knew I have several old pets which he loves, who could die before he comes home in September again. We talked a little about death, and he said he really appreciated that we've always been open to talk about any aspect of death, reagarding those of my previous pets which he knew, with him. And from a young age, whenever possible, gave him options to chose between.

At 14, why not ask your daughter how she thinks she would like to do things? Do she thinks she would like to know e.g. a week in advance, or closer to the end date than that? She can always change her mind later. Is there something special, like e.g. taking her horse for a walk a long a route they've often ridden, or saving some hair from the tail, which she would like to do? Etc.

 

[Red-1]

As a teen, I would have been the one to help make that decision, so I felt part of the decision and be in some portion of control.

I would have the discussion when you think it is appropriate and then book the vet, with her blessing. I would expect them to be able to come next day.

With one of mine, we had pre-done the agreement with the vet, who was aware of the declining nature of his condition, and put it on the notes that when we called, it was agreed by the vet as to definitely happen. It made a sad phone call less awkward.

 

[LadyGascoyne]

At 14, I would have been part of the decision too.

Could you ask her what she feels the best thing to do is, and come to a mutual agreement?

 

[TPO]

When I was 14 one of my ponies was pts.

I had a friend over staying but mum made me go to see to the horses with my dad. That was unusual because at thst point they were kept on my grandparents farm and my dad was capable of doing nighttime skip out and hay. So I went and my poor friend had to wait in my room.

When I got back mum wanted to see me and told me then that my mare was being pts the next day so she wanted me to go and see her one last time.

The next morning my dad went to be there for the vet.

Having a non horsey friend stay over was a distraction, don't think it was planned as had friends over most weekends, but probably not very fair on the friend having to put up with my sobbing!

With hindsight I think it was a good idea not to give me much notice. I knew that my mare had lami but I thought she'd get better so I had no idea pts was on the horizon.

Sorry that you and your daughter are facing this.

 

[MidChristmasCrisis]

Decision making is a process and I would take her on the journey towards the final decision….so everyday day have her help you assess what kind of day her horse is having…more pain/stiffness shown…nit moving..not eating much…lying down or not…that sort of thing. Introduce the discussion of quality of life and between you (you leading the way) make the decision and make a plan. Of course it’s going to be emotional but a life lesson taken with her mum holding her hand is invaluable. I’m sending positivity waves to you.

 

[Highmileagecob]

Maybe give the horse one last summer and tell your daughter that if she is still getting worse, there is no plan B. Personally, I would time it to happen when she is out of school, and as above, would involve your daughter every step of the way so that she can accept the best decision for the horse's welfare. Please don't expect her to get over her grief quickly - losing a horse is like losing a baby to a fourteen year old. Many hugs sent your way.

 

[honetpot]

We kept most of my daughters ponies until they died ,so I have been through this several times. I have always been open about their health conditions and that loss of quality of life would lead to PTS, so that last conversation is not unexpected. I think you make it clear it's your decision so they feel no guilt in what is about to happen, and give them as much information as they want. Your daughter what ever she decides may change her mind, my daughter went from not wanting to be there, to turning up on the day. I do not tell them until the day before if they are at home, because I always try and pick a nice last day.
When the children were at home we used to have a family wake for the pet, we went for something to eat as a family and talked about them, so you can be sad and happy at the same time.

 

[NinjaPony]

At 14 I was a key part of the discussion and decision. I had plenty of time to take photos with her, and say my goodbyes. I wasn’t there when it actually happened which for me made it harder to accept, but I understand why my mum wanted to protect me from it, having been there for my last horse. My mum encouraged me to make a scrap book with her pictures and I had a lovely drawn portrait of her which I still have hung up in my flat. Sorry to hear about your daughter’s horse, it’s the worst part of horse ownership and forces you to grow up quite quickly.

 

[Lisa2526]

One of my nephews went to Greenland to work a seasonal job a few weeks ago, he visited several times before he left because he knew I have several old pets which he loves, who could die before he comes home in September again. We talked a little about death, and he said he really appreciated that we've always been open to talk about any aspect of death, reagarding those of my previous pets which he knew, with him. And from a young age, whenever possible, gave him options to chose between.

At 14, why not ask your daughter how she thinks she would like to do things? Do she thinks she would like to know e.g. a week in advance, or closer to the end date than that? She can always change her mind later. Is there something special, like e.g. taking her horse for a walk a long a route they've often ridden, or saving some hair from the tail, which she would like to do? Etc.

Thank you that's a good idea. I will ask how far in advance she's like to know. I will collect some hair for her to have a keepsake made x

 

[Lisa2526]

Thank you lovely people. You're right, involving her in the decision is the kindest way to do it I think. We've already had the discussion about her being pts and she was supposed to have one last summer. We have just had a lovely photoshoot with her. However she came in dog lame the other day and we've upped her bute. We've had tentative discussions about it being sooner rather than later and it's likely to be next week. I will get her to assess how she is tomorrow and ask her what she thinks about the progress of her illness. ?

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Thank you that's a good idea. I will ask how far in advance she's like to know. I will collect some hair for her to have a keepsake made x

Or even allow her to collect the hair, it doesn't have to be taken on the last day and that will allow your daughter to start to process the knowledge that pts, for the horse's welfare is definitely going to happen. At 14, I do think that she should be involved in the decision-making process, although certainly not given the ultimate responsibility.

 

[Lisa2526]

Or even allow her to collect the hair, it doesn't have to be taken on the last day and that will allow your daughter to start to process the knowledge that pts, for the horse's welfare is definitely going to happen. At 14, I do think that she should be involved in the decision-making process, although certainly not given the ultimate responsibility.

Yes I agree x

 

[misst]

Please ask her if she wants to be there. Sometimes imagining what happens is worse than the real thing. My daughter was 15 the first time she held a beloved friend to be PTS. It was heartbreaking for everyone, even the vet had a tear in his eye. She was involved in the decision to PTS and had time to say goodbye.

It was done early on a Friday morning and she had the day off school with Saturday and Sunday to "recover". She sat in the field for a while with him then her dad took her home while I met with the disposal man. She had hair, photos etc. and a chance to grieve. She was devastated for a long time. She went back to the yard with me the following day to look after her other retired pony. It was very hard but it was the right way to do things for her.

A friends daughter was not allowed to be with her pony when she was PTS and was very angry for a long time. But it is not for everyone. Give her the opportunity to be there but also to change her mind at any time if it is too much.

I hope it goes well for you all, watching your child grieve is worse than grieving yourself.

 

[Ratface]

I'm glad that your daughter is being given the opportunity to say goodbye to her beloved pony.
I bought my first horse from my saving, aged 10 years old. She was a retired polo pony. She became rather trippy and I stopped riding her, but groomed and fussed her every day.
I cane back from school one day, and changed, before going out to see Lulu, (polo pony). Mother said, "She's been shot- no point in going to see her - she's not there. She's gone to the Hunt kennels". I went out to the stables. Empty box. No trace of Lulu remained.
That was 67 years ago. I never forgave my mother for that, and I have made sure that I was/will be at the death of every dog, cat, horse and donkey ever since.

 

[misst]

I didn't want to like that as such Ratface but I understand how you feel. It must have been such a scarring event for a young girl.

 

[Lisa2526]

Please ask her if she wants to be there. Sometimes imagining what happens is worse than the real thing. My daughter was 15 the first time she held a beloved friend to be PTS. It was heartbreaking for everyone, even the vet had a tear in his eye. She was involved in the decision to PTS and had time to say goodbye.

It was done early on a Friday morning and she had the day off school with Saturday and Sunday to "recover". She sat in the field for a while with him then her dad took her home while I met with the disposal man. She had hair, photos etc. and a chance to grieve. She was devastated for a long time. She went back to the yard with me the following day to look after her other retired pony. It was very hard but it was the right way to do things for her.

A friends daughter was not allowed to be with her pony when she was PTS and was very angry for a long time. But it is not for everyone. Give her the opportunity to be there but also to change her mind at any time if it is too much.

I hope it goes well for you all, watching your child grieve is worse than grieving yourself.

I think you're right. The pain of seeing her

I'm glad that your daughter is being given the opportunity to say goodbye to her beloved pony.
I bought my first horse from my saving, aged 10 years old. She was a retired polo pony. She became rather trippy and I stopped riding her, but groomed and fussed her every day.
I cane back from school one day, and changed, before going out to see Lulu, (polo pony). Mother said, "She's been shot- no point in going to see her - she's not there. She's gone to the Hunt kennels". I went out to the stables. Empty box. No trace of Lulu remained.
That was 67 years ago. I never forgave my mother for that, and I have made sure that I was/will be at the death of every dog, cat, horse and donkey ever since.

Oh that's absolutely heart breaking. I'm so sorry. I would not do that to my daughter. Its inevitably heartbreaking but I want to make sure I do things right for both her and the pony. X

 

[Lisa2526]

Please ask her if she wants to be there. Sometimes imagining what happens is worse than the real thing. My daughter was 15 the first time she held a beloved friend to be PTS. It was heartbreaking for everyone, even the vet had a tear in his eye. She was involved in the decision to PTS and had time to say goodbye.

It was done early on a Friday morning and she had the day off school with Saturday and Sunday to "recover". She sat in the field for a while with him then her dad took her home while I met with the disposal man. She had hair, photos etc. and a chance to grieve. She was devastated for a long time. She went back to the yard with me the following day to look after her other retired pony. It was very hard but it was the right way to do things for her.

A friends daughter was not allowed to be with her pony when she was PTS and was very angry for a long time. But it is not for everyone. Give her the opportunity to be there but also to change her mind at any time if it is too much.

I hope it goes well for you all, watching your child grieve is worse than grieving yourself.

It's much worse for me seeing her so broken hearted than it is dealing with my own grief. Sadly, this pony is terrified of the vet and won't tolerate lethal injection. That would be really stressful for her so she's going to be shot as it will be quick and she won't know a thing. I don't think I want my daughter there for that. I think it will be too traumatic for her to bear

 

[misst]

If she is being shot you are probably right though a girl of 12 was present at one yard I was at and coped ok. She insisted she wanted to be there and her mum was quite reluctant but it went ok.
I am so sorry for you and your daughter. People are not always kind or supportive but I hope she is ok. My daughter got a lot of support on here. I found it so hard to watch her. We did some remembrance things - had a tree planted, lit candles, had a hair bracelet made, had some ashes put into resin - all "silly things" but they helped and I didn't allow anyone to say "it was only a horse" or to tell her to move on. Thinking of you both x

 

[NinjaPony]

Just a suggestion; could she come up on the day, give pony a last fuss/feed etc , hand over for the deed and go round the corner so she doesn’t see it happen, then say last goodbye once it’s over. Mine was by injection but that’s what I did in the end. Still pretty horrific but I couldn’t bear to watch him go down, and this way I got the closure that I didn’t get with my mare aged 14 because I wasn’t there on the day. Honestly there is no good way of doing it, just whatever she feels is right for her.

ETA I was in bits about my mare for a long time and relied quite heavily on my mum as no one else ‘got it’ so she’s lucky to have your support.

 

[honetpot]

I'm glad that your daughter is being given the opportunity to say goodbye to her beloved pony.
I bought my first horse from my saving, aged 10 years old. She was a retired polo pony. She became rather trippy and I stopped riding her, but groomed and fussed her every day.
I cane back from school one day, and changed, before going out to see Lulu, (polo pony). Mother said, "She's been shot- no point in going to see her - she's not there. She's gone to the Hunt kennels". I went out to the stables. Empty box. No trace of Lulu remained.
That was 67 years ago. I never forgave my mother for that, and I have made sure that I was/will be at the death of every dog, cat, horse and donkey ever since.

That is so sad.

 

[Merry neddy man]

Just a suggestion; could she come up on the day, give pony a last fuss/feed etc , hand over for the deed and go round the corner so she doesn’t see it happen, then say last goodbye once it’s over. Mine was by injection but that’s what I did in the end. Still pretty horrific but I couldn’t bear to watch him go down, and this way I got the closure that I didn’t get with my mare aged 14 because I wasn’t there on the day. Honestly there is no good way of doing it, just whatever she feels is right for her.

ETA I was in bits about my mare for a long time and relied quite heavily on my mum as no one else ‘got it’ so she’s lucky to have your support.

NO not if she is being pts by bullet.

 

[NinjaPony]

Um ok, just sharing my experience and offering a suggestion? Not sure it’s really up to you, or to anyone except the OP and her daughter? People handle things in different ways, some people find it easier to grieve if they’ve seen the body, some people would rather not. Doesn’t make it wrong either way.

 

[ycbm]

Only you can judge this, Mum, but I think she's possibly old enough to be told how traumatic it's likely to look and sound, and make her own decision whether she wants that as her last memory of her pony.
.

 

[Highmileagecob]

Any chance of heavy sedation before the vet arrives? Most vets would happily prescribe for you in these circumstances. May then give you the option of pts by injection.

 

[Red-1]

NO not if she is being pts by bullet.

I did, when my first pony was PTS. I was 18, but all the same, I took him to their place, which was great as he thought he was going to a show and was happy. He was done on the front lawn. He was happy and grazed. I said goodbye, went into the car. I waited for them to come and get me, he was under a tarp. I touched him on the leg to ensure he was, in fact, dead. I had no wish to lift the tarp, just wanted to ensure he was gone and at peace.

It gave me peace.

Since then, I have PTS by injection and held them whilst it was done. It was pre-arranged with the vet. One vet said they would bring a companion and I could be there but not hold them, so I said I would find a different vet and they relented. I wouldn't do that for a 14yo though, I think the being nearby to say goodbye then see the body to know it is complete is more reasonable.

It gave me great peace to see that they were dead, I knew they were out of pain and no longer suffering. I think that is reasonable for a 14 yo to decide what is appropriate for themselves. No pressure.

 

[Auslander]

Um ok, just sharing my experience and offering a suggestion? Not sure it’s really up to you, or to anyone except the OP and her daughter? People handle things in different ways, some people find it easier to grieve if they’ve seen the body, some people would rather not. Doesn’t make it wrong either way.

To be fair to Neddyman, seeing a horse that's been shot is very different to seeing a horse that's been pts by lethal injection. I don;t think many people, let alone a young teen, want their last memory of their horse to be of it with it's head in a bag, and quite possibly in a puddle of blood. I've been there for a lot of pts situations, and even I walk away without a backwards look when they are shot, and don;t go back to see them afterwards. The huntsman here prefers to do the deed and get them loaded asap anyway, to minimise mess