When will the guilt stop?

Wagtail

Wagtail

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Some of you will know I had to PTS my horse of a life time and soul mate mare three weeks ago. I still play her death over and over in my mind and am reduced to tears daily. Even though I have no regrets, (he had no future), it is because she was so happy and perky and full of life the day I ended it. But she had just started on box rest for redoing a massive shoulder injury that I thought was well behind her, and because she was lami prone (Cushings EMS) it would have meant being on box rest on a very restricted diet. Even if the shoulder healed, I would never have been able to turn her out in the field again as next time the injury could be catastrophic. So I made the decision to end her life. But I feel so guilty. I struggled for two years to get on top of her laminitis and just as I thought I had, she had this awful injury.

So, I have a livery yard to run. I can't go moping around all miserable and need to remain happy and enthusiastic about other people and their horses, so I hide my grief well. I thought maybe if I bought myself something sooner rather than later it would help and I have a fabulous 2 year old being vetted next week. But I just cannot imagine loving her as much as my late mare, and I feel such a terrible hole is in my world. I am thinking now that I have done it too soon, that I should have taken more time to grieve. And I feel extra guilty for 'replacing' my mare so soon.

I am planning to just turn the two year old out with my crock of a gelding and the yearling, and not really do much with her until the Spring, then maybe I will be ready to put my all into her.

How have others coped who have lost such a big character of a horse? Does the guilt ever fade?
 
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Its 10 years since I had my soul mate PTS and just this morning I was thinking about whether I'd done the right thing. Whether I gave up too soon or whether she would have bounced back etc etc.

The answer is, yes. You and I did the right thing. We made the decision at great cost to ourselves because they didn't deserve an existence rather than a life.

The guilt, I guess, is our way of wishing things could have been different.
I have moved on, and I have loved subsequent horses as much as her, even though she remains in my heart, a uniquely special, wonderful horse.

Give yourself time, there is no escape from grief. Its almost a debt for having had such an incredible relationship. Be thankful that she was yours, as she was thankful for being in your care.
 
Its gets easier but at the moment I am not sure it will ever go away. I lost my mare due to a loan that went horribly wrong and I will never forgive myself tbh. I am trying to stick with the good stuff like how far she came from the green unsure hors she was to the winner of shows and the horse I could hack anywhere alone or in company rather than the lam dull depressed in pain mare she was at the end. I am trying to console myself that it was the right thing to do - my vet,farrier and referral vet all agreed with me and these arent people to be nice for the sake of it. I think mine has been compounded as my other hors has been off at rehab so I have bn completely horseless for the past few months which hasn't helped - enjoy your new horse and make those baby stops forward - good luck :)
 
Wagtail said:
Even though I have no regrets, she had no future, it is because she was so happy and perky and full of life the day I ended it.
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Whilst you may be feeling guilty, you have absolutely no reason to, you did the right thing. You are still grieving her loss.

Maybe it is too early to get another horse? But getting a youngster may be a good idea, as she can settle in and you can get used to her being around the place without having to think that you have to work her every day. She will never replace your mare, nothing could.

It is still very early days. You won't always feel this bad.
 
I lost a much loved small animal last year, after months of battling to save her. If I could have stopped her, she'd still be here, but she was in a blind panic and totally unresponsive to me. Not a day goes by where I don't feel guilty about her passing, she'd had a bad year after an eye infection that proved tough to clear up, then she went and hurt her back, just as i'd got it under control. Then I think she developed pica, and that was her down fall :(
Sometimes it's like something is playing out before our eyes that we just can't do anything about but feel utterly helpless and bereft.
You did your best for her, and in the end you did the kindness act. You let her go, she asked you, you answered. I can't tell you it gets any easier ending an animals suffering when you feel you could have saved them, but how many more times would you have been in that position? I still remember my pet putting her head in my hand, she was still coherent with the world before she passed, and she seeked comfort from her pain, that is what sticks in my mind and what upsets me the most. I could have asked them to investigate, but she was slipping over the point of no return, and she wouldn't have survived the sedation.
Hugs to you, I know it's not easy xx
 
If you had left things too long then thats the time for guilt and regret

But you didnt...You made the right decision and let your mare go while she was feeling perky and everything was planned and controllef - far far better than having to make the harrowing decision of letting a very poorly horse go in an emergency

What you are feeling is grief and yes it will fade in time

.
 
[Even though I have no regrets, (he had no future), it is because she was so happy and perky and full of life the day I ended it. }

So why should you feel guilty that at the end she was as well and happy as you could have made her rather than a sorry heap on the floor (so to speak). Please don't punish yourself, I too have had horses PTS in the same state, and that's how I rather remember them, galloping over Rainbow Bridge rather than a sad slow shuffle. Time heals slowly, give yourself some and remember her bright face and the good times.
 
Wagtail- nobody could have tried harder than you did to help your horse. From what I read, you tried everything. (I don't come on the forum as much as I used to, but I did read your threads about what you were doing for her). I still wonder if I did the same with my gelding who was PTS just over two years ago and wonder if I did enough - should I have seen signs earlier? or did I try everything I could have? But in my heart of hearts, I know I couldn't really have done anything else. also bought a two year old six weeks after he was PTS. I didn't bond with her immediately and if truth be known, I don't think I still have done, but I threw everything into her - walking her out on the roads, doing lots of groundwork and getting her used to being handled and I also had my other TB to put time into. I think getting the youngster will be a good thing.
 
FWIW I think you made the right choice at the right time for your mare. When I lost my first horse I tortured myself for years as there was scope to go on, my vet wanted to. But I saw the fear she suffered in her off moments and wanted a dignified end for her, not a catastrophic injury or her waiting hours for me to find her down, she was 38 and didn’t deserve an horrific end.

Moping and grieving is quite acceptable as it moving on, life does go on and something new gives you focus. I lost a dog on Friday and already I’m looking for the next happy camper - although I’m finding the world of free ads a terrifying place! It will get easier and you know in your heart you got it right, sometimes we’re just incredibly hard on ourselves.
 
Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and sad experiences. My head knows it was the right thing to do at the right time, but when I am having a bad day, like today, I just feel so guilty. I wish I could have fixed her, but I couldn't and that was that. I feel content that I tried everything to get her right with the laminitis. But when she did her shoulder in again, all hope was dashed. If it had just been redoing the shoulder, without the laminitis, then I would have got her through it, but poor thing facing weeks, maybe months on box rest with minimal rations, it just wasn't fair on her. She was always hungry, bless her.
 
You need to talk, and work out your feelings. I am one of those people who cry at the drop of a hat, before I had my old girl PTS this October I spent the summer emoting mainly in private. The day the deed was done I was upset but practical and have hardly talked about or cried since, I miss her but I had worked through every scenario, and everyone dies and we have to get over it.
Everyone is different but perhaps because you are a professional horse keeper you think you have to always appear clear headed and practical. I would find your self some time and space to grieve properly, perhaps talk to someone or keep on poking us. My pony was my best friend for 20years, why should that feeling of loss disappear quickly?
 
Guilt is such as dreadful emotion, there is nothing you can do to change the decision you made at the time. I'm sure yours is part of the grieving process and that will take as long as it takes. I just hope when you are out the other side you can let go of the guilt - it is a waste of energy and stops you moving on. As others have said, you have no reason, none of us have, whatever the reason we decided to PTS, so long as the primary concern was the horse.
Just remember there IS a fate worse than death and that is constant suffering and pain - sometimes I feel the animals have the better deal than us humans who aren't able to be helped to stop their pain once and for all.
 
I know how you feel, its how I feel at the moment. I had our mare pts almost 3 weeks ago. She had kissing spines, seemed to come better over the Summer then went downhill again as soon as the weather turned colder. She had been sold 5yrs earlier and was given back to me by a bizarre twist of fate. She spent last year having physio every 6-8 weeks as there was no Insurance cover available to take it any further. I did lots of rehab work with her and even started to ride her again hacking out. However, she showed severe signs of discomfort and Physio confirmed how bad she was. She was laying down in the field having been stabled at night, got more and more grumpy, had bad diaroeah (sp) and other things and I think she had ulcers. I knew she wasnt happy and Physio said it would get worse when the weather turned colder and she was stabled more, we had wintered out last year and she was no better for this.

I made the hardest decision just like yourself and let her go on 18th November. She looked well, the best she has ever looked, that made it even harder. I too re-live that day but then I think she had a great summer, she has no more pain or stress and was with her more than ever before. I miss her and torment myself whether it was the right decision but I know in my head it was. You will come to terms with it, its the grieving process you are going through. Enjoy your other horses and come Spring Im sure you will feel a lot better..
 
Wagtail, don't mistake grief for guilt. You have every right to grieve, you have no cause to feel guilt. You did everything in your power to try to keep your mare. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, it's just not possible to save the world. Your mare went happy with you by her side.

I know about the hole they leave in your life. It's frickin awful but whether you have a new horse or not it won't change the sadness. You'll still have the sadness for your old mare, but I think you'll also start finding happiness in your new horse. The new horse doesn't have to be your next horse of a lifetime, it's just a horse that needs your care and attention, and I'm sure you will give your all to her.
 
It is all part of grieving the loss of a much loved family member. You have no need to feel any guilt you made the right choice for her. She will live forever in your heart and you have simply to let her take her place there.
You gave her the best last day by letting her go when she wasnt suffering. I lost my very much loved golden retriever when she finally became incompatible with modern living she was noise phobic to the point of self destruct and was so stressed by modern living she had effectively had a nervous breakdown. I dont regret taking her for a mad run on the airfield where she looked the picture of health belting about and took her straight to the vet from there.
She is with me every day of my life but not with sadness but the joy her long life gave me.
I dont feel giulty because I know she will no longer suffer
Your girl was the love of your life you do need to grieve but not dwell on the negatives get out your favourite photos and smile at the joy she gave you it is what she would have wanted for you and deep in your heart the spark of life will grow as you let go of the grief and let her in
 
I had my horse of a lifetime PTS 4 years ago. I'm still incredibly cut up about it. I still cry if I think about him. When I visit his grave its just awful, but I go see him once a year.
Just found out my OH is having a portrait done of him from old photos for my birthday. I cried and cried that night.
Most days I just try not to think about him.

So I don't know if it gets better, sorry. I suspect it'll never really leave me.

ETA - background on mine, CCI** eventer, I got him when he was 4 and could barely canter. 9 when he died. He had an horrific injury in the field whilst being lent to a friend. 4 months in vet hospital and another 4 on box rest at home, before a relapse. He'd completely de-gloved his back leg down to the bone, both extensor tendons torn apart, never to re-join. Had 2 ops for sequestrum (dead bone due to being exposed) but they missed a bit and a few months and a skin graft later, while the outer wound was healing, the cannon bind was slowly but surely (and invisibly to us) dying.
After he went very lame we x-rayed and discovered he basically didnt have a cannon bone left. The front half just looked like cottage cheese on the X-ray.

I alternate between guilt at not ending it sooner, and guilt when I see horses with similar injuries come sound, that we couldn't fix him.
There was a thread on here not long ago with a horse with an slmost identical injury, who'd come sound and been turned out.
 
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Wagtail said:
Some of you will know I had to PTS my horse of a life time and soul mate mare three weeks ago. I still play her death over and over in my mind and am reduced to tears daily. Even though I have no regrets, (he had no future), it is because she was so happy and perky and full of life the day I ended it. But she had just started on box rest for redoing a massive shoulder injury that I thought was well behind her, and because she was lami prone (Cushings EMS) it would have meant being on box rest on a very restricted diet. Even if the shoulder healed, I would never have been able to turn her out in the field again as next time the injury could be catastrophic. So I made the decision to end her life. But I feel so guilty. I struggled for two years to get on top of her laminitis and just as I thought I had, she had this awful injury.

So, I have a livery yard to run. I can't go moping around all miserable and need to remain happy and enthusiastic about other people and their horses, so I hide my grief well. I thought maybe if I bought myself something sooner rather than later it would help and I have a fabulous 2 year old being vetted next week. But I just cannot imagine loving her as much as my late mare, and I feel such a terrible hole is in my world. I am thinking now that I have done it too soon, that I should have taken more time to grieve. And I feel extra guilty for 'replacing' my mare so soon.

I am planning to just turn the two year old out with my crock of a gelding and the yearling, and not really do much with her until the Spring, then maybe I will be ready to put my all into her.

How have others coped who have lost such a big character of a horse? Does the guilt ever fade?
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My sister lost her soulmate three years ago......she still sometimes wonders if he should have carried on his treatment but then then the realisation of who he was to her means she did it at the right time....he was 25, in a lot of pain but vets couldn't figure out why, had stopped eating....the next step was cameras into his stomach to see if there is anything in there.
This pony disliked vets, needles, was blind in one eye from being beaten before we got him and trusted only my sister out of the lot of us, has kicked us, except my sister, black and blue but dispite all that we loved and still the little bleep and miss him like crazy. He had the thickest main to snuggle into when you weren't feeling well.

My dad used to talk him on walks round the farm after he had been retired, just a pony and dad thing, dad still missed doing it.

We all have what if's, I can't let a another horse/dog/cat etc into my life its too painful but I will tell you something my mum was told.......a lady said to her daughter once she had lost her soulmate collie and said she wasn't getting another as it is too painful her mum told her "Why should you deny another dog the love, affection and a safe home when so many out there do not have it, you will never replace, you will forever remember and cherish those memories. Now it is time to give another the chance to build the same next to the ones you have lost."

I hope that makes sense and gives you some comfort....my sister waited six months before she found her next horse who has become another part of her soul, she had our other three to play with but she needed that "Mine" connection.

xxxx
 
In my experience the guilt is normal. Having an animal pts is ultimately the decision of the owner, and the first time it happened to me I was amazed at how guilty I felt. Even though it was the best interests of the horse and in line with veterinary advice I felt like a bit of a murderer and that I'd let him down. The next time I needed to have a horse pts there was still the guilt but at least I knew what to expect.

When I had time to myself I played the whole thing through in my head until it was more a part of me and didn't hurt so much. For the last horse I lost I'm still doing that. It works for me, but we are all different. In the meantime my advice would be to keep pretending to be cheerful until it stops being a pretence.
 
Hi Wagtail, you have nothing to feel guilty for, you made the right decision for your mare. You gave her a wonderful life, you loved her and despite your own feellings, you let her go when the time was right. That took loads of courage and you should feel proud of being such a kind owner x
 
I fully understand how you feel wagtail. i said goodbye to baby in august and quiet tears still fall. Some people seem to think you "get over "it but when an animal as made such impact on your life and your heart its hard not to feel guilt and grief. I still see baby falling and that moment she was gone which i know will fade in time. let yourself grieve. give yourself time. x
 
I don't know how to cut and paste. The line where you said " it's because she was so happy and perky the day I ended it". My daughter is a vet, when she had a dog to PTS when working in Devon she had had big discussions with the owner about when this should happen, the morning she went to the house to PTS the dog greeted my daughter with a very waggly tail and jumped up. The vet nurse was with her and said in front of the client " are you sure you want to PTS today as he looks so happy" this is something the vet nurse should not have said. ( my daughter told her politely to never to do that again as the dog was seriously ill when they left). My daughter then had a talk with the client and said you want to remember him with a wagging tail, and not the death he will have if "nature" is left to do it it's way. The dog was PTS and my daughter got a very heartfelt letter from the owner. I am very proud of her as she definitely puts the animals above and beyond and tells her clients as it is, and the clients in NZ love her approach to.
 
Thank you, all of you for your wise and comforting words. So many losses, so many wonderful animals. I am a person who feels guilt very easily, but this time, I guess it is just part of grieving. I try to banish my thoughts of her from my mind most of the time because it is so painful when they get hold of me. I just miss her so much. That day she died just seems like a bad dream. But at least she did not suffer. I don't think she knew anything until the last few seconds.
 
i followed all of your posts and it was obvious that you had tried everything possible to get her right. just remember she had a few days at the end being a horse in the field and although she injured herself, she was having fun!!!!!! you were thinking of her quality of life and that is the most important thing with our animals, please dont feel guilty, you are definately allowed to be upset and grieve .. i mentioned before that i had my mare put down at 24 after owning her for 23 years.. she was facing a long period of box rest without a guarantee that she would be able to go out in the field comforably at the end. i decided that quality of life was more important than length of life and have never regretted my decision. its been 12 years and i still miss her.....
 
Your original post has made me well up. I am so sorry you are going through this - grief is such a terrible thing. You did the right thing for a horse you love very much, and now she is running over lovely green paddocks with all the mates who went before him.

Every time I see a rainbow, I stop and look at the colours, and think of my guys in Rainbow Bridge - I talk to them and it's lovely that they have come over to say Hello and see what's happening. That is our time - can be awkward having to stop when driving and pull over ! She will never be far away from you, I promise. Talk to her, and she'll hear you. Tell her how you are feeling, how much you love her, miss her, cry with her. One think i do know is that that horse loves you. x
 
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I was talking to a lovely lady on the train only the other week who was telling me about her horses and how she had to have 1 pts as she could no longer keep him but he was dangerous with other people. She told me how she one day had the revelation that you never get over them, you just learn to live without them. Having lost one myself I totally understood what she meant.

I think you did the right thing - I had read your story but not often commented.

Always better a day too early than a day too late x
 
So sorry Wagtail. Guilt is a normal part of grief for many people, but it is an absolutely awful feeling and I am so sorry you are feeling it. It is a natural thing to feel even though you have nothing at all to blame yourself for, having tried your very very best to get your mare well, and I think letting her go on a 'good' day was a very unselfish and lovely thing to do. Bless you x x
 
Oh Wagtail you've asked the question I was going to ask, but I knew in my heart that the guilt was possibly normal. I had to say goodbye to my darling boy on 21st November, we'd been together for 20 years and at 23 he was amazing, had a fab summer with him but he started collapsing and vets were sure it was neurological. On good days he was fine, on bad he was in danger of seriously hurting himself so I had to make the toughest decision of all. Im left bereft, and so guilty that I couldn't help him when he needed me. That evening a friend sent me this and how true it is..."to place your horse's need for you to let him leave his failing body above your need to keep him with you - that - is the greatest and purest love".

So sorry for your loss, and all the other posters xxx
 
Brummyrat said:
Oh Wagtail you've asked the question I was going to ask, but I knew in my heart that the guilt was possibly normal. I had to say goodbye to my darling boy on 21st November, we'd been together for 20 years and at 23 he was amazing, had a fab summer with him but he started collapsing and vets were sure it was neurological. On good days he was fine, on bad he was in danger of seriously hurting himself so I had to make the toughest decision of all. Im left bereft, and so guilty that I couldn't help him when he needed me. That evening a friend sent me this and how true it is..."to place your horse's need for you to let him leave his failing body above your need to keep him with you - that - is the greatest and purest love".

So sorry for your loss, and all the other posters xxx
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It was the only way you could guarantee that would never happen to him. On the day I let my mare go, I knew it was the only way I could guarantee I would never find her in the field with her leg just hanging...the only way.
 
Exactly Wagtail, as hard as it is and as much as we're crying now, imagine not doing the kindest thing and getting a phone call. Id never live with the guilt and neither would you, they were happy and at peace and that is how we will remember them, my boy went down with a carrot still between his teeth, what better way to go eh. Sometimes we can't make them better, as painful as it is to accept. Sending hugs darling xxx
 
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