Who is being unreasonable?

Grumpy Jewel

Well-Known Member
Joined
10 September 2010
Messages
447
Location
Very dry West Sussex!
Visit site
Hi, As you will see if you look back over my posting history my life has thrown a load at me in the last few years.
My mare has been out on loan since the end of summer due to finally getting a job, but one with lots of traveling and hours meaning i only have 2 days free. I decided that it would be nice for her to have some 1 to 1 attention as she has been in college i didnt want her to go stale so put her on loan with a view to buy as the girl who had her was looking for a horse to buy in the new year. As you can imagine, its all gone wrong and last monday she has given me her 30 days notice as she feels she hasnt bonded with her.
Initially when i told husband he was supportive, but by the time he had arrived home he hit the roof and has said i now have 4 options, 1)sell her, 2) re home our 2 dogs and cats, 3) move back in with my parents and be able to keep dog and horse or 4) put her to sleep.
Iv got until this sunday to make a decision and next sunday for action to be taken. His reasons being we cannot afford to have another big vet bill (something which has happened a lot since he has been around and why we are financially in a mess) as well as the dog care we pay for while at work and says if you cant afford an animal you shouldnt have it- which i totally agree with obviously.
I feel totally bullied into making a decision and feel like i am going to blame him for having to make any decision in those options.
Who is being unreasonable? him for being an arse, but a sensible one who is thinking with his head, or me for thinking with my heart and wanting not to say good bye to my lovely horse.
Any thoughts gratefully received, thanks x
 

benson21

Well-Known Member
Joined
26 December 2009
Messages
2,861
Visit site
Hmmm.... i think I would give him 4 options back!!!
1. support me, and our family!(yes, I do believe our animals are our family too)
2. rehome him! (the OH)!
3. ummm...cant think of another 2!
 

Bosworth

Well-Known Member
Joined
10 February 2006
Messages
5,267
Location
devon
www.ballhillequestrian.co.uk
Well both of you really, BUT........ if my OH ever talked to me in that vein I would be thinking very carefully about him being the one for me. Its a difficult situation you are in, yes you need to sell your horse financially, a loan always has the potential to go wrong and the loaners just send it back. So if you are financially struggling then loaning has to go out of the equation. However if it is a short term issue then look for a loaner again, it may solve your situation quickly. But potentially it will happen again. Selling may be hard. The market is flat, christmas is coming very fast, the horse market is over loaded. Moving in with your parents is an option and one that could appeal if your relationship is not good. However is your relationship worth saving, and would you spend the time together resenting him because of what he 'forced' you to do?
 

midnight mayhem

Well-Known Member
Joined
4 November 2011
Messages
410
Visit site
Poor you :-( that sounds hard. As you were looking to sell your mare I'd suggest that. Or put her out on full loan as quick as poss. Perhaps you could also save money in other areas of your life too. Your husband doesn't sound very understanding :-/ but they say money is all evils. X
 

Ladyinred

Well-Known Member
Joined
24 November 2007
Messages
7,384
Location
Here
Visit site
If your husband is really foolish enough to impose those terms then you will resent him for the rest of your time together. Surely he would have been wiser to have actually discussed the matter with you instead of being so heavy handed (and cold hearted) as to lay down the law in this fashion. You would probably have come to one of those options yourself, but this was never the way to go about it.

What an idiot!!

Hope you manage to do whatever you believe is right for you and your horse xx
 

Grumpy Jewel

Well-Known Member
Joined
10 September 2010
Messages
447
Location
Very dry West Sussex!
Visit site
i really dont want to approach this like the angry teenager thats ranting away inside me, but i am really struggling to understand how my husband thinks this is going to have a happy ending for us. When i met him i was working on a yard meaning that i was at the yard every day, so he knew what was on the horizon before we got married. The college she was at before are happy to have her back again, so it would cosy fuel to get her and 2 weeks livery over christmas then nothing until easter and as our financial situation is looking up i dont understand why he is being unreasonable (in my eyes anyway). Is it
an over reaction to fail a marriage because of this?
 

touchstone

Well-Known Member
Joined
26 April 2007
Messages
4,873
Visit site
If you are already financially in a mess then I agree with your husband I'm afraid, I think it is probably worry and panic that has made him word it badly.

I'd certainly try selling unless the horse is elderly or has health issues in which case I'd pts. It is one thing to expect your husband to support you and your animals, but another completely to become financially crippled through it.

I hope things work out well for you, sadly I think that there are many folk in the same situation nowadays.
 

ghostie

Well-Known Member
Joined
5 July 2009
Messages
1,154
Location
London-ish
Visit site
I think you should sit him down and explain how upset you are by the approach he has taken. Explain that you realise action needs to be taken, but that you have found his approach difficult. Tell him you want to talk your problems through together not be bullied into making a decision. If he can't do that I would personally be seriously questioning the relationship. Marriage should be a partnership where both sides work together for their common good. It is no place for ultimatums unless reasonable efforts to resolve a situation together have failed.
 

midnight mayhem

Well-Known Member
Joined
4 November 2011
Messages
410
Visit site
I would send her back to the college then, at least you can still ride and see her but with some relief financially. I don't know what to suggest in regards to your husband. I've been at the bottom of the pit financially myself but clawed my way back. I literally starved myself, gave up my house, car..everything just so I could keep my beloved horse. Now years on my finances are good, I'm a healthy weight and I have a roof over my head and best of all I still have my beautiful horse :) not saying you should do these things (that was my choice) I hope things get easier for you. X
 

WandaMare

Well-Known Member
Joined
3 August 2009
Messages
3,559
Visit site
There may be an element of truth in what he says but its nothing you didnt already know. You were already trying to sort things out with the loan its unfortunate its not worked out. I dont see how being heavy handed is going to help, why cant he offer to help you for example. Dont let him push you around, tell him to come up with some support and help or shut up.......by Sunday :D
 

Tinypony

Well-Known Member
Joined
31 December 2006
Messages
5,211
Visit site
Your financial situation is improving.
You only need to pay for collecting your horse and 2 weeks livery between now and Easter because she can go on loan to college.
You are the same person now that you were when you met and married him, animals and all.
He's being unreasonable because he knew the situation when your horse went out on loan, and he's not giving you a sensible bit of leeway to deal with the new circumstances.
Re vets bills - can you take out insurance or set up a standing order to save a set amount per month towards future bills?
He seems to think that he has the right to force you to get rid of your house pets, or have your horse put to sleep, just because things didn't go as planned.

I guess it speaks of more serious underlying problems in your relationship that you seem to be poles apart in your attitude to keeping animals, when this is such an important part of your life. Also, I'm concerned that he thinks he can lay down the law and bully you to the extent that you would have to put a healthy animal that you love to sleep. I'm not saying "leave the b**tard" but I would be sitting down and quietly looking at the full picture of your life together and then sitting down for a serious talk. A marriage should be a balance, neither partner has the right to dictate to the other (and finance shouldn't be a leverage or blackmail tool). Maybe consider how kindly you treat each other normally, whether you both have the freedom to pursue hobbies and interests, whether you share a mutual love of animals or if maybe your animals may continue to be a tool used to bully you in future. That sort of thing. I suppose really - do you love him and love your life together? If you do then some sort of compromise has to be reached, because if you lose any of your animals due to bullying, or even had to have your horse killed because he insisted - surely that would be the start of the end?

I should think that the option of moving back in with your parents - alone - seems quite attractive at the moment!
 

wallykissmas

Well-Known Member
Joined
22 February 2011
Messages
945
Visit site
I don't see how he expects you to sort the horse in two weeks, try explaining its winter and not much is selling !!

If another loan but the right one, college or grass livery with assistance where someone can check her for you but keeping it cheap is an option then I would do that rather than Pts as I know I couldnt forgive my OH for forcing me.

As for the other pet care, surely the cats do their own thing regardless of if they are house cats or outdoors , the dog I would be getting up earlier to walk and walking when I got home - is there any reason why your OH cant take some responsibility to walk the dog as this is what a marriage is about to me but I'm not here to judge your marriage but instead of him demanding you do these things maybe some help and support would be better.

Hope you work things out.
 

Polos Mum

Well-Known Member
Joined
22 September 2012
Messages
5,931
Location
West Yorkshire
Visit site
I know nothing of your background so please ignore this if I've got the wrong end of the stick but it sounds like your horse is a symptom of something much more fundamental not going well in your marrage - rather than being the issue in itself. I'd suggest you talk to him much more widely about your relationship and sort that first and the horse thing will sort itself out once your relationship is in a better place.
Good luck
 

Ibblebibble

Well-Known Member
Joined
1 June 2011
Messages
4,527
Location
Wiltshire
Visit site
was he suggesting that you move back with your parents on your own or as a couple?? makes quite a difference as if it is alone then for me that would spell out rather clearly how much (or little) he values your relationship!

with regards to his other options, yes they are 'correct' in a way but his approach is all wrong, he should be sitting down with you and discussing options .
 

Tnavas

Well-Known Member
Joined
1 October 2005
Messages
8,480
Location
New Zealand but from UK
Visit site
Keep the horse, cats and dogs and trade in the husband!

TBH he's not being very understanding - you didn't expect the horse to be coming home so soon. You've done your best to reduce expenses - I've just been in this situation but mine came home with an injury. I've been lucky and managed to sell the horse and the new owners were fine about th eongoing treatment to the injury.

I think you have to talk to him and find out why he went from being understanding to issuing with such strong ultimatums. Maybe a big bill came in or something has changed at work.

Would the college not have your horse back or maybe another one. She could be a working livery at a riding school or maybe you could get a sharer.

As far as Dogs and cats go - these are home for life animals - part of the family. The horse has to be expendable purely because of its demands on time and money.

Hope you get things srted, cook his favourite meal, add some wine/beer and talk it all over.
 

Grumpy Jewel

Well-Known Member
Joined
10 September 2010
Messages
447
Location
Very dry West Sussex!
Visit site
I totally see the argument from his point of view and I have always been the first to yell if you can't afford a horse don't have one, but with the college option yes I can, without college it would be a struggle. It's not like we are seriously struggling, we are a few thousand in debt, which is the smallest out of all of our friends. We spent yet another evening talking/ shouting at each other yesterday and he refuses to budge although says he is open to other options. I'm seriously swaying towards going back to mums.
 

MrsMozart

Just passing through...
Joined
27 June 2008
Messages
41,222
Location
Not where I should be...
Visit site
Agree with the others to an extent, but here's another slant...

We don't know how so many pets were accumulated (was OH in agreement?). We don't know what conversations went on, what agreements reached and maybe breached, what the true financial situation is. Just maybe IH has come down hard because he's at the end of his tether.

Just a thought :cool:
 

wallykissmas

Well-Known Member
Joined
22 February 2011
Messages
945
Visit site
I wouldn't walk away from my marriage over some pets. Contact the college today, do something else about the dog, can i ask why does it need day care and how much do you pay.

Recheck all their insurances and make sure you are getting the best deals. check other household bills and insurance to see if you can save money.

If you weren't paying this each month and out it towards your debt how much would you clear in a year..... I would work this out, get some plans and go back to your husband with these.
 

Tinypony

Well-Known Member
Joined
31 December 2006
Messages
5,211
Visit site
Agree with the others to an extent, but here's another slant...

We don't know how so many pets were accumulated (was OH in agreement?). We don't know what conversations went on, what agreements reached and maybe breached, what the true financial situation is. Just maybe IH has come down hard because he's at the end of his tether.

Just a thought :cool:

Agreed. That's why I think this is a symptom of wider issues that they need to address as a couple. Need to stop focusing on the animals and look at the relationship as a whole. Also Op - I think you need a plan to systematically reduce that debt. If it's built up as a result of your animals then you may need to think harder about that than he does, if not then it's a joint concern. Maybe have a read on Moneysavingexpert.

I know one thing, if someone thought that they could ultimately decide that one of my animals had to be put to sleep, we'd probably have some fundamental issues that couldn't be resolved.
 

touchstone

Well-Known Member
Joined
26 April 2007
Messages
4,873
Visit site
I totally see the argument from his point of view and I have always been the first to yell if you can't afford a horse don't have one, but with the college option yes I can, without college it would be a struggle. It's not like we are seriously struggling, we are a few thousand in debt, which is the smallest out of all of our friends. We spent yet another evening talking/ shouting at each other yesterday and he refuses to budge although says he is open to other options. I'm seriously swaying towards going back to mums.

Okay, I'm going to be the voice of doom I'm afraid. You can afford your horse if somebody else is paying for its care, but what happens if another big vets bill comes in? A few thousand in debt can easily escalate (and you need to ignore the financial situation of friends.) If you can afford to pay for the horses care without getting into debt and relying on the college I would say he was in the wrong, but as that isn't the case I tend to agree with your hubby.

I think it is a time for sorting your priorities, either keep the horse and lose the husband and risk getting into further financial difficulties or sell/loan the horse until you are more financially secure and can cover all eventualities and work on your relationship, there are always compromises to be made, but you need to be sure you aren't expecting too many compromises on his side.
 

Tinypony

Well-Known Member
Joined
31 December 2006
Messages
5,211
Visit site
Okay, I'm going to be the voice of doom I'm afraid. You can afford your horse if somebody else is paying for its care, but what happens if another big vets bill comes in? A few thousand in debt can easily escalate (and you need to ignore the financial situation of friends.) If you can afford to pay for the horses care without getting into debt and relying on the college I would say he was in the wrong, but as that isn't the case I tend to agree with your hubby.

I think it is a time for sorting your priorities, either keep the horse and lose the husband and risk getting into further financial difficulties or sell/loan the horse until you are more financially secure and can cover all eventualities and work on your relationship, there are always compromises to be made, but you need to be sure you aren't expecting too many compromises on his side.

We don't know if they ran up the debt on animal care and vets bills, or if he contributed his share of spending on credit. People are assuming that he is "paying for" the horse's care, but we don't know what the balance of their income vs individual expenditure is. He could be throwing his money at expensive motorbikes for all we know. That's why they need to sit down and look at their partnership I guess. We don't know if he's a financial drain in Op's life and she could sustain herself and her animals fine without him, or some sort of vice versa.
 

jeeve

Well-Known Member
Joined
11 July 2010
Messages
3,871
Location
Hawkesbury/Blue Mountains NSW Australia
Visit site
Your OH is not being reasonable, as he has not given you av reasonable time frame to work in, and you had done what you could re organising a share. Now you could organise another share/loan with a view to buy and that would be more reasonable.

He should not be bully you, but be able to discuss and sort with you. obviously if you cannot afford and do not have the time for a horse you may decide to sell, but the way he is going about it is not fair on you.

My OH is pushing for me to sell a horse, or give away, and I am thinking about the options I have. 2 weeks is not enough time to get an ad organised, it can take time to find the right option.
 

Twinkley Lights

Well-Known Member
Joined
3 August 2012
Messages
1,944
Location
Up to no good
Visit site
I feel for you grumpy jewel . Yes the situation could have evolved as Mrs Mozart says and equally may not have done - we simply don't know .
What is clear is that he is backing you into a corner with the extreme options and the bullying tactics are incompatible with a respectful and loving relationship.
Op only you know the background and can evaluate this behaviour in context.
I would not be cooking him a nice meal and would probably go to your parents ASAP before any deadline to provide the time and space to consider if he is still the one for you.
I wish you all the best op but in horses and in men there are some vices I just wouldn't tolerate.
 

Tinypony

Well-Known Member
Joined
31 December 2006
Messages
5,211
Visit site
Whatever the rights and wrongs of their finances, they got into this situation together. There's no justification for bullying in a relationship.
 

leannesanx

Member
Joined
19 November 2012
Messages
21
Visit site
My husband and me had several fallouts over what I spend on the horses. In the end I switched from shavings to straw (saved £40 a month), changed my lessons from weekly to fortnightly (£30 a month) and switched from light chaff and lite mix to happy hoof which is probably better for him anyway (£10 month). Just based on what I saved with a few cutbacks made me realise exactly how much I had been spending and I really saw his point of view. I know this is a more final situation with you as you would have to send your horse away but I think, if you have always had horses and animals, you stop realising what an insane amount gets spent on them. As in regular day to day costs, not just vet bills.

My husband has had big fallouts and tried ultimatums before and has normally apologised a few days later and said he was just stressing over money etc.
 

claribella

Well-Known Member
Joined
24 January 2012
Messages
904
Visit site
I agree with the few that have said there might be an underlying issue in the marraige but for those posters who say 'get rid of the husband', how can you say that? She (hopefully) didnt marry him on a whim so you telling her to ditch him on a whim, IMO isnt very helpful at all. Marraige is a suppose to be a life long convenant made between two people who really love each other and if you'd rather ditch your husband then work on the issues that are there in the first place then why bother getting married.

IMO and through my own experience with my husband, it is almost inbred in a man to be a provider. My hubby gets quite stressed about money and I know underneath there is the worry that he will get us into debt and not be able to provide for us as a family and I do wonder if this is the same in your case. Your hubby prob doesnt want to put you in this awlful position of giving up your pride and joy but hes trying to work it out logically and hes looking further down the road so the only thing he can think to do is what he has suggested. There is no easy answer to your dilemma and I do feel for you but if it was me, Id stand with my husband and sell your horse or send him to the college so you have time to breath. Maybe suggest you guys get some marraige councelling. If you been through a prolonged tough time then that can really take its toll on the two of you and it might help just getting things out in the open with someone there to guide you through so you don't get vile with each other.

I really hope it all works out for you guys:(
 

Roasted Chestnuts

Well-Known Member
Joined
7 July 2008
Messages
7,940
Location
Scotland
Visit site
If my OH gave me those options he would be getting some back! Mostly along the lines of man up or get out!

We have pets other than the horse and if I put that ultimatum to him about his parrots I'd be out on my ear faster than they can shell a peanut!

I think that you need to do what's right for you and leave him to steam for a bit. If you can't do that in the house with him then I'd leave him there and go see your mum for a week and let him simmer down. Do be sure to make sure any joint funds are accounted for incase he gets irrational (or more depending on your real situation) and have a really good think as I've been in a very long term relationship and its only after ten years the massive papered over cracks have begun to appear, I never even knew they were there :(
 
Top