Why is this so hard?

[EternalVetBills]

My lovely old mare has started to struggle already this winter. She has a whole host of issues and is already on pain relief daily.
I have been having a chat with my vet this week and we do both feel it's getting close to being time to let her go.
I am finding it so hard to make the decision, in a way that I haven't before. Not that it's ever easy, but I just do not want to see her go. Everytime I think about it I just want to scream or hit something. I'm not an angry person, and this is sadly my 7th that I will have had PTS, so not even something new to me. Even when I had my childhood pony put down, whom I'd had since he was 8 and he was 35 when he went, as sad as it was, I was so grateful to give him that relief.
I honestly don't know why I'm struggling so much, I just can't imagine her not being here anymore. Vet has suggested we start tracking her days with a colour system for a week or so, I think in the hopes it will be easier for me if I can see it written down. In the last week she has had two days that we have marked as good, the rest have been in the red.
Vet has sent me a lovely message tonight that without her actually saying it says, she has a lot of issues why are we putting her through another winter? And I know she is right.
I honestly don't know what the point of this post is, I think I just needed a vent. I am obviously not going to let her suffer, I can't do that to her. I don't think it helps that I have no one really to talk to about it as at the yard I am on people fall into two categories of either 'well if it were mine it would've been gone a long time ago with the amount of money it costs' or 'well she's sounder than mine, and I ride him'. Which obviously neither are helpful! When I mentioned that I was thinking of saying goodbye to the YO she said 'oh well at least you can get one to ride'. Just no understanding from anyone as to what she actually means to me.
It sounds pathetic, but I revolve my entire life around her, and as weird as it sounds I do enjoy it. It's not a chore. And what is so hard is that she isn't horrifically lame or stiff, she's just not quite right. But she looks unhappy with it, and that's what's important really. If she were the most dog lame thing on the planet, but happy as a pig in that's absolutely fine. But she isn't, she just looks tired and miserable always at the moment.

Sorry for the long post, I think I just had to get it off my chest

 

[SEL]

There's nothing I can say to make you feel better - knowing it's time doesn't make it easy. Xxx

 

[TPO]

It's hard because you love her. As Pooh said "how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard".

Nows the time to grant her one final kindness. A horse that is only having 2 good days a week and where the vet is texting to ask why she would be put through another winter is very telling.

I'm sorry that you are facing this. Most of us on here have been in similar positions several times. Perhaps calling the Friends at the end BHS or Blue Cross helplines might help you? It sounds like you have a very supportive vet too.

Best wishes at this difficult time

 

[Jambarissa]

The BHS has a 'Friends at the end' support line, they have trained people to help you process your thoughts and decide what is best.

I kept my childhood pony going far too long, under guidance from the vet. Once I could look back at it objectively I regretted it even though I acted under vet advice. I have made sure I have never made that mistake again and have been 'lucky' in that my others haven't really been too hard a decision.

I'm sure you will do what is best x

 

[Burnerbee]

Just the fact this is the 7th you’ve had to go through this with says a huge amount - every one is tough, cumulatively you’ve been through a great deal - you’re being much too hard on yourself. And your yard ‘mates’ are not terribly empathic by the sounds of things. I’ve only had dogs and cats put down and that’s awful - they’re your friends firstly - if a human friend died no one would say such silly things. Allow yourself to cry and be upset - whilst acknowledging you’re doing the best thing by your friend. Some horse people (not all) with all their stuff upper lip stuff can be very antiquated.

 

[Squeak]

Everyone copes differently but would it help or make it worse if you had a plan for getting another horse once she goes? Some times it can really help to have something positive to focus on, especially as like you say your life revolves around her so if you suddenly have no horse then it's not just the pain of losing your beloved horse but the trauma of losing your norm and way of life.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

You have recognised that she has more bad days than good and don't want her to suffer, so you know what has to be done in your horse's best interests. Its never an easy decision but sometimes once the decision has been made it gets easier. I don't think the mild weather will be helping you, if she was standing in the mud, wet and miserable, it would be easier to say 'this can't go on'.

Thinking of you.

 

[Lauraback]

I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish you strength this poem came to mind, sending hugs x

If the day should come when I'm in pain,
And you know I won't be well again,
Promise you'll do what must be done,
If this is the battle that can't be won.

It'll break your heart, but please be kind,
Don't let your grieving sway your mind.
For this is when you'll let me see
Just how much you do love me.

Together we've had happy years
The future now can hold no fears.
Please don't let me suffer so
When that days comes, please let me go.

For my usual vet please will you send?
But stay with me until the end.
Hold me steady, speak to me
Till my once bright eyes no longer see.

In time I hope you'll come to see
It's the last kindness you'll do for me
One more time please stroke my mane
And know that I'll have no more pain.

And don't be sad that it was you
Who decided this was what to do.
We've been such buddies through the years
Don't let me be the cause of tears.

You'll always see me graze now,
with the sun upon my back
Painful limbs won't tire me now,
however long the hack.

I live now in your heart and mind,
a lovely place to stay.
And what you have in memories,
no one can take away.

 

[irishdraft]

So sorry your in this position OP it is awful especially when you have no one who understands. A previous mare of mine was retired but only had a slight lameness, it wasn't until I hadn't seen her for about a week having broken my arm, that I realized how miserable she was, it was not easy but I decided then & there I had to let her go. It's so hard but had to be done. Hope you can see a way forward xx

 

[AutumnDays]

I'm sorry you are facing this. It never really gets any easier does it? But by causing yourself unimaginable pain, you will be sparing her from hers, and that is the most caring and loving thing anyone can do for one as loved as your mare is. Thinking of you, and wishing you strength and comfort

 

[eahotson]

My lovely old mare has started to struggle already this winter. She has a whole host of issues and is already on pain relief daily.
I have been having a chat with my vet this week and we do both feel it's getting close to being time to let her go.
I am finding it so hard to make the decision, in a way that I haven't before. Not that it's ever easy, but I just do not want to see her go. Everytime I think about it I just want to scream or hit something. I'm not an angry person, and this is sadly my 7th that I will have had PTS, so not even something new to me. Even when I had my childhood pony put down, whom I'd had since he was 8 and he was 35 when he went, as sad as it was, I was so grateful to give him that relief.
I honestly don't know why I'm struggling so much, I just can't imagine her not being here anymore. Vet has suggested we start tracking her days with a colour system for a week or so, I think in the hopes it will be easier for me if I can see it written down. In the last week she has had two days that we have marked as good, the rest have been in the red.
Vet has sent me a lovely message tonight that without her actually saying it says, she has a lot of issues why are we putting her through another winter? And I know she is right.
I honestly don't know what the point of this post is, I think I just needed a vent. I am obviously not going to let her suffer, I can't do that to her. I don't think it helps that I have no one really to talk to about it as at the yard I am on people fall into two categories of either 'well if it were mine it would've been gone a long time ago with the amount of money it costs' or 'well she's sounder than mine, and I ride him'. Which obviously neither are helpful! When I mentioned that I was thinking of saying goodbye to the YO she said 'oh well at least you can get one to ride'. Just no understanding from anyone as to what she actually means to me.
It sounds pathetic, but I revolve my entire life around her, and as weird as it sounds I do enjoy it. It's not a chore. And what is so hard is that she isn't horrifically lame or stiff, she's just not quite right. But she looks unhappy with it, and that's what's important really. If she were the most dog lame thing on the planet, but happy as a pig in that's absolutely fine. But she isn't, she just looks tired and miserable always at the moment.

Sorry for the long post, I think I just had to get it off my chest

I am so sorry for what you are going through.It is very hard.I felt like that about my old dog and my husband and I were devastated when she died but in retrospect I wish I had her put to sleep just a little earlier.My husband died this year.We had been together for a long time.At his funeral at the end the minister said that we must now turn once again to life.I remember that.You must find another horse when you can.It won't be the same but it will fill a gap.Your old horse is lucky to have you and the best compliment you can give her is to get another one.It means she made you so happy. Turn again to life.It is hard but it is all you can do.

 

[Sandstone1]

Blue cross have a animal loss line that might help you.

 

[meleeka]

If you know she's not happy, then I think you just have to find the courage somewhere. You don't have to plan it, you can just phone and request a vet, that's what I've done before. I have full respect for those that can give them a lovely last few days, but I can't do it, so I've made the decision and they've been gone the same day. I'm sure it doesn't matter one bit to the horse. Ask yourself what you are waiting for? There's probably no better times ahead, sadly.

 

[AdorableAlice]

OP, I know and understand your thought pattern and feelings. I have just been there, 22nd October mid afternoon, my world ended, or so it seemed and I'm not in a good place now to say the very least. I did have support, my husband and close friends and my amazing vet who is a dear friend. Nothing anyone could say eased how I felt, if anything, the kindness made my pain worse.

I also knew it was coming, 30 years and 6 months of age. An age you might expect a tiny pony to reach, but Leo was a massive 17.2 quality horse who took me to places most people only dream of. A true gentleman, the kindest horse I've ever known. He was my mate and with me a very long time. Like your cherished mare, he had a number of health issues as age advanced, but I managed him, I lavished an enormous amount of money, time and effort on him. The veterinary care he had was outstanding and his vet knew him very very well. He had many years of retirement but this year his teeth failed him, his PPID started to affect him despite being well managed and medicated. The change from dry ground to wet ground ravaged his feet with a nasty abscess which I dealt with but another followed a few days later. His pain level was unjustifiable. The vets had been with him for a number of days before I had to let him go. Just 4 weeks before he was cantering around doing his flying changes and chasing rabbits out of his paddock, he looked grand, but it was only the grazing keeping him well. He could not eat hay at all. I got him every mash known to man but I was kidding myself that he could get through winter. Quite frankly I've no idea how I got him through the wet 23/24 winter, but he was eating hay and the pain relief for his stiff hocks did work. Throughout last winter I only slept a few hours at a time before I needed to check the camera. I feared he might not be able to get up and I had promised him he would never end his days in a tragic way.

Over the last 2 weeks he deteriorated rapidly, he looked tired, he spent a lot of time standing dozing. I was glued to the camera. I prepared to let him go over and over in my head. I have lost horses in old age before and one in theatre who was only young. I've owned horses for 47 years, I thought I was in control, I told everyone I was totally in control and organised, but when the day came due to his pain level, I fell apart. Two weeks have passed now but I'm still doubting myself despite knowing full well he could not be allowed to go on and suffer.

Everything hurts, I still wake up and reach for the phone to check the camera but not quite at the level I was doing when he was still in his barn. I have tidied up so I don't see his belongings every day but I am so pre programmed to care for him I still reach to make his feeds in the feed room, my routine of doing 4 is down to 3 but I still automatically think 'Leo next'. The yard does not take as long now and I find myself thinking I've forgotten to do something. I fuelled the car yesterday and always bought polo's for him in the garage, they were the only treats his teeth could cope with. I paid for the fuel and then sobbed in my car on the way home.

All of us have a duty to make the right decision, hopefully at the right time. It is the final kindness, our opportunity to stop suffering. I'm not ashamed to admit how much it hurts and how I feel and neither should anyone else be. Our beloved horses are very lucky to have us to care for them at the end. So many horses across the world know no kindness. The only thing that will help me is time. I know things will happen that will make me say I am relieved Leo is not here to have to deal with problem days. He hated rain and refused to go out of his barn, he struggled in hot weather with LV and burnt very easily, frozen ground was a huge problem too.

So, OP, cherish your last few days or weeks with your mare and take comfort she has had you to provide a wonderful life for her and to ensure a comfortable end. Words I need to heed those words myself as many people are telling me, but its so hard to actually do.

 

[KatieDM]

My lovely old mare has started to struggle already this winter. She has a whole host of issues and is already on pain relief daily.
I have been having a chat with my vet this week and we do both feel it's getting close to being time to let her go.
I am finding it so hard to make the decision, in a way that I haven't before. Not that it's ever easy, but I just do not want to see her go. Everytime I think about it I just want to scream or hit something. I'm not an angry person, and this is sadly my 7th that I will have had PTS, so not even something new to me. Even when I had my childhood pony put down, whom I'd had since he was 8 and he was 35 when he went, as sad as it was, I was so grateful to give him that relief.
I honestly don't know why I'm struggling so much, I just can't imagine her not being here anymore. Vet has suggested we start tracking her days with a colour system for a week or so, I think in the hopes it will be easier for me if I can see it written down. In the last week she has had two days that we have marked as good, the rest have been in the red.
Vet has sent me a lovely message tonight that without her actually saying it says, she has a lot of issues why are we putting her through another winter? And I know she is right.
I honestly don't know what the point of this post is, I think I just needed a vent. I am obviously not going to let her suffer, I can't do that to her. I don't think it helps that I have no one really to talk to about it as at the yard I am on people fall into two categories of either 'well if it were mine it would've been gone a long time ago with the amount of money it costs' or 'well she's sounder than mine, and I ride him'. Which obviously neither are helpful! When I mentioned that I was thinking of saying goodbye to the YO she said 'oh well at least you can get one to ride'. Just no understanding from anyone as to what she actually means to me.
It sounds pathetic, but I revolve my entire life around her, and as weird as it sounds I do enjoy it. It's not a chore. And what is so hard is that she isn't horrifically lame or stiff, she's just not quite right. But she looks unhappy with it, and that's what's important really. If she were the most dog lame thing on the planet, but happy as a pig in that's absolutely fine. But she isn't, she just looks tired and miserable always at the moment.

Sorry for the long post, I think I just had to get it off my chest

I’m so sorry. It’s good to get it off your chest

 

[ester]

I think if you’re thinking it it’s usually time, it doesn’t make it any easier though and they take such a big space in your life that they leave a massive hole behind x

 

[Peglo]

So sorry you’re in this position and you’re finding this one especially difficult. It’s so hard even when there really is no other option.

I hope you find peace in your decision and you can cherish lovely memories of her. I’m glad your vet is being so supportive and hope you get to enjoy your remaining time with your lovely mare, as best you can.

 

[Above the snowline]

You love her and she is so lucky to have you. You are NOT pathetic. You are kind, loving and brave. This is what a friend said to me as I sobbed my heart out.

It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all but the price of love is grief.

You know what you have to do and that hurts so much but sadly you have no choice. It’s heartbreaking but the alternatives are far worse. The point of your post is that you need reassurance, love and sympathy and I’m sending you lots. If I come back as a horse I would love you to be my owner.

 

[Squeak]

OP, I know and understand your thought pattern and feelings. I have just been there, 22nd October mid afternoon, my world ended, or so it seemed and I'm not in a good place now to say the very least. I did have support, my husband and close friends and my amazing vet who is a dear friend. Nothing anyone could say eased how I felt, if anything, the kindness made my pain worse.

I also knew it was coming, 30 years and 6 months of age. An age you might expect a tiny pony to reach, but Leo was a massive 17.2 quality horse who took me to places most people only dream of. A true gentleman, the kindest horse I've ever known. He was my mate and with me a very long time. Like your cherished mare, he had a number of health issues as age advanced, but I managed him, I lavished an enormous amount of money, time and effort on him. The veterinary care he had was outstanding and his vet knew him very very well. He had many years of retirement but this year his teeth failed him, his PPID started to affect him despite being well managed and medicated. The change from dry ground to wet ground ravaged his feet with a nasty abscess which I dealt with but another followed a few days later. His pain level was unjustifiable. The vets had been with him for a number of days before I had to let him go. Just 4 weeks before he was cantering around doing his flying changes and chasing rabbits out of his paddock, he looked grand, but it was only the grazing keeping him well. He could not eat hay at all. I got him every mash known to man but I was kidding myself that he could get through winter. Quite frankly I've no idea how I got him through the wet 23/24 winter, but he was eating hay and the pain relief for his stiff hocks did work. Throughout last winter I only slept a few hours at a time before I needed to check the camera. I feared he might not be able to get up and I had promised him he would never end his days in a tragic way.

Over the last 2 weeks he deteriorated rapidly, he looked tired, he spent a lot of time standing dozing. I was glued to the camera. I prepared to let him go over and over in my head. I have lost horses in old age before and one in theatre who was only young. I've owned horses for 47 years, I thought I was in control, I told everyone I was totally in control and organised, but when the day came due to his pain level, I fell apart. Two weeks have passed now but I'm still doubting myself despite knowing full well he could not be allowed to go on and suffer.

Everything hurts, I still wake up and reach for the phone to check the camera but not quite at the level I was doing when he was still in his barn. I have tidied up so I don't see his belongings every day but I am so pre programmed to care for him I still reach to make his feeds in the feed room, my routine of doing 4 is down to 3 but I still automatically think 'Leo next'. The yard does not take as long now and I find myself thinking I've forgotten to do something. I fuelled the car yesterday and always bought polo's for him in the garage, they were the only treats his teeth could cope with. I paid for the fuel and then sobbed in my car on the way home.

All of us have a duty to make the right decision, hopefully at the right time. It is the final kindness, our opportunity to stop suffering. I'm not ashamed to admit how much it hurts and how I feel and neither should anyone else be. Our beloved horses are very lucky to have us to care for them at the end. So many horses across the world know no kindness. The only thing that will help me is time. I know things will happen that will make me say I am relieved Leo is not here to have to deal with problem days. He hated rain and refused to go out of his barn, he struggled in hot weather with LV and burnt very easily, frozen ground was a huge problem too.

So, OP, cherish your last few days or weeks with your mare and take comfort she has had you to provide a wonderful life for her and to ensure a comfortable end. Words I need to heed those words myself as many people are telling me, but its so hard to actually do.

AA I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely horse. From what you posted on here about him, he was a wonderful horse and you gave him a great life. I hope time helps to make it easier.

 

[Above the snowline]

OP, I know and understand your thought pattern and feelings. I have just been there, 22nd October mid afternoon, my world ended, or so it seemed and I'm not in a good place now to say the very least. I did have support, my husband and close friends and my amazing vet who is a dear friend. Nothing anyone could say eased how I felt, if anything, the kindness made my pain worse.

I also knew it was coming, 30 years and 6 months of age. An age you might expect a tiny pony to reach, but Leo was a massive 17.2 quality horse who took me to places most people only dream of. A true gentleman, the kindest horse I've ever known. He was my mate and with me a very long time. Like your cherished mare, he had a number of health issues as age advanced, but I managed him, I lavished an enormous amount of money, time and effort on him. The veterinary care he had was outstanding and his vet knew him very very well. He had many years of retirement but this year his teeth failed him, his PPID started to affect him despite being well managed and medicated. The change from dry ground to wet ground ravaged his feet with a nasty abscess which I dealt with but another followed a few days later. His pain level was unjustifiable. The vets had been with him for a number of days before I had to let him go. Just 4 weeks before he was cantering around doing his flying changes and chasing rabbits out of his paddock, he looked grand, but it was only the grazing keeping him well. He could not eat hay at all. I got him every mash known to man but I was kidding myself that he could get through winter. Quite frankly I've no idea how I got him through the wet 23/24 winter, but he was eating hay and the pain relief for his stiff hocks did work. Throughout last winter I only slept a few hours at a time before I needed to check the camera. I feared he might not be able to get up and I had promised him he would never end his days in a tragic way.

Over the last 2 weeks he deteriorated rapidly, he looked tired, he spent a lot of time standing dozing. I was glued to the camera. I prepared to let him go over and over in my head. I have lost horses in old age before and one in theatre who was only young. I've owned horses for 47 years, I thought I was in control, I told everyone I was totally in control and organised, but when the day came due to his pain level, I fell apart. Two weeks have passed now but I'm still doubting myself despite knowing full well he could not be allowed to go on and suffer.

Everything hurts, I still wake up and reach for the phone to check the camera but not quite at the level I was doing when he was still in his barn. I have tidied up so I don't see his belongings every day but I am so pre programmed to care for him I still reach to make his feeds in the feed room, my routine of doing 4 is down to 3 but I still automatically think 'Leo next'. The yard does not take as long now and I find myself thinking I've forgotten to do something. I fuelled the car yesterday and always bought polo's for him in the garage, they were the only treats his teeth could cope with. I paid for the fuel and then sobbed in my car on the way home.

All of us have a duty to make the right decision, hopefully at the right time. It is the final kindness, our opportunity to stop suffering. I'm not ashamed to admit how much it hurts and how I feel and neither should anyone else be. Our beloved horses are very lucky to have us to care for them at the end. So many horses across the world know no kindness. The only thing that will help me is time. I know things will happen that will make me say I am relieved Leo is not here to have to deal with problem days. He hated rain and refused to go out of his barn, he struggled in hot weather with LV and burnt very easily, frozen ground was a huge problem too.

So, OP, cherish your last few days or weeks with your mare and take comfort she has had you to provide a wonderful life for her and to ensure a comfortable end. Words I need to heed those words myself as many people are telling me, but its so hard to actually do.

Beautifully written.

 

[Lucky Snowball]

My heart goes out to everyone in this position. You’re not alone.

 

[Fransurrey]

I'm in a very similar situation. I have even got in place the donor form to send her to the vet school. The only difference is that I'll be left with a horse by himself in the field and I just can't make a decision about that - do I get another, stick with one horse and move him, get a ridden horse or companion...I put things on hold due to the cat's accident, but really that's an excuse. Like you, she's 'not right', rather than gasping her last breath and my vet also agreed there would be no reason to put her through another winter, really. Guess I'm trying to say you're not alone in this awful limbo.

@AdorableAlice that was such a beautiful post. Massive hugs.