Would you consider this a bit mean?

[Fransurrey]

I have my first lesson in over 20 years this weekend, on a young horse that has only just started schooling - I want to make sure I'm giving him the best start and do it right! People have joked about ring side seats, but I've just found out a 'friend' from another yard is coming to 'say hello' at the exact time of my lesson. We have a mutual friend (who has just told me) who has the paddock and shelters right next to the school, so clearly she's coming to watch my lesson, which I think is a bit shitty of her. Not sure whether to say something, as I wouldn't do that to a friend that I knew was anxious about not showing herself up/looking a tit.

 

[Wheels]

Have you thought she might be there to support you?

Why not talk to her instead of posting online when you dont even know her reasoning

 

[vhf]

I think if it was me, I'd straight up say I didn't want anyone watching. I'm in a similar position (except waiting for both horse and me to be sick-note free at the same time) and I'm dreading having to be anywhere anyone can watch - including the lesson-giver if I'm honest!
Younger more confident me would say stuff it who cares what they see.
Sensible me says I love watching other people have lessons, because I love to learn, I love to see what tricks and tactics the trainer uses, and I really enjoy seeing people "get it", so I get a lot from the experience on all levels. It would never occur to me to judge, so maybe just maybe, these people are the same?

 

[Fruitcake]

Have you mentioned that you’re a bit anxious about being watched?

I don’t like being watched at all. At the place I go for my lessons, they have a policy that people are not allowed to watch private lessons (unless, of course the ‘audience’ is someone with the client). Obviously, if a lesson is outside, this isn’t as easy to control but I do think a good instructor should politely ask people to move on if the set-up allows.

Is the lesson at your yard or the instructor’s?
If it were me, I think I’d mention to the friends that I’d rather not be watched. Surely, most people would respect that if they knew.

 

[hopscotch bandit]

Have you thought she might be there to support you?

Why not talk to her instead of posting online when you dont even know her reasoning

Surely if she was any friend at all then she would know that the OP would be anxious? I would have thought the courtesy of a phone call to ask "I've heard you are having a lesson, do you mind if I come and watch?" wouldn't go amiss.

 

[Rumtytum]

I’d feel the same as you OP, I wouldn’t want anyone watching.

 

[Lintel]

Lifes motto.

Just dont care what people think. Be a hermit- it works out alright for me!

But I would agree it is abit mean.

 

[hopscotch bandit]

I went to try out a horse once and asked the dealer, the yard owner (who was a well known event rider) and everyone stood in the ménage watching the YO ride. if they would mind leaving me to it. It was obvious the yard owners session was over as he was walking his horse off but he was deep in chat with the others as he rode around and I go the feeling he wanted to see what transpired with the nervous woman and the new horse that had been imported from abroad only two days before. I just wanted peace and quiet so I didn't look a complete pratt on a horse I didn't know.

They must have thought I was a very rude person but my nerves made me blind to that at the time and I did ask in a very nice way. As it happened they were incredibly understanding and did what I asked without a word, bless them.

 

[milliepops]

I get watched all the time, by people I know and people I don't. where i train there are regularly other people sitting in. You get used to it, i barely register they are there tbh when I'm concentrating. I think most people watch out of interest rather than thinking snotty thoughts about you.
but anyway....

if it's people you know and you don't feel comfortable I would just say you'd prefer if they didn't, and perhaps you might feel different when you and the horse are more established (only mentioning this so you don't burn your bridges, if you might want some video or photos taken in future lessons.... always handy to have a camera-person then! )

 

[stormox]

Its never really bothered me, if someone at our yard was backing a youngster, got a new horse to try or sometimes just riding people would often come and watch. Ive watched and been watched.
I would be quite pleased if a friend I hadnt seen in ages wanted to come and see me, ride. I would be honoured someone wanted to watch me.
I think people need to realise not everyone wants to criticise, or smirk at you. Some people are genuinely interested and often its lovely if theres someone around to put up jumps, open the gate, act as a distraction or take a picture.

 

[Evie91]

If a friend popped over to surprise me I’d think it a kind and supportive gesture.
As previously posted I don’t get people who have ‘friends’ they think badly about. Why is it mean?!

 

[Wheels]

Surely if she was any friend at all then she would know that the OP would be anxious? I would have thought the courtesy of a phone call to ask "I've heard you are having a lesson, do you mind if I come and watch?" wouldn't go amiss.

And maybe the OP is, in her anxious state, reading something into it that isn't there. A friend popping in to see another friend whose horses are kept in a paddock next to the arena. Maybe she is popping in at that specific moment because she knows OP will be there at that time and not to be 'shitty' at all.

 

[Fransurrey]

Have you thought she might be there to support you?

Why not talk to her instead of posting online when you dont even know her reasoning

She messaged me to ask how my lesson went, at which point I said it was this weekend. She then arranged with the mutual friend to come to yard, even though I'd already said I don't like being watched. She may well be there to support me, but she does know I'm anxious in general and personally I would have asked. She does have form about judging people and I did have a word about it a while ago.

Once I'm having regular lessons, it won't bother me at all, but the first lesson on a young horse?

 

[Fransurrey]

And maybe the OP is, in her anxious state, reading something into it that isn't there. A friend popping in to see another friend whose horses are kept in a paddock next to the arena. Maybe she is popping in at that specific moment because she knows OP will be there at that time and not to be 'shitty' at all.

Quite true, but I'll be in the lesson from the time she says she'll be there and yes, I might be reading something that isn't there!! ;-)

 

[Wheels]

Well if you've already had a word with her I understand that but your original post didnt say that and my crystal ball is being mended right now lol

 

[milliepops]

She messaged me to ask how my lesson went, at which point I said it was this weekend. She then arranged with the mutual friend to come to yard, even though I'd already said I don't like being watched. She may well be there to support me, but she does know I'm anxious in general and personally I would have asked. She does have form about judging people and I did have a word about it a while ago.

Once I'm having regular lessons, it won't bother me at all, but the first lesson on a young horse?

I think this could be just how different people view things.
I'm taking my latest project for his first lesson in a fortnight, if someone wanted to come and watch I'd jump at the chance because it would be nice to have some video clips and have someone to chat to about it afterwards.

I think you will need to be direct and say you don't want any spectators this time .

 

[indie1282]

Can you just rebook the lesson and not tell anyone when it is?

 

[dogatemysalad]

I sympathise. There a a lady on my yard who loves a bit of drama. Although she doesn't ride her own horse, she'll always watch someone who is new, nervous or riding a new horse, ready to critic or offer advice based on no experience. Shes also been known to take time off work to watch a horse bring euthanized or hang around whenever a vet arrives.
Livery yards are full of all types of characters, some lovely and supportive, some nosey and gossipy. That's life, you can't stop the difficult people without making it an issue. Hopefully, you'll be so focused on the lesson, that you'll be blind to the viewing gallery. It's always the people who can't do, who have an opinion.

 

[Fransurrey]

Well if you've already had a word with her I understand that but your original post didnt say that and my crystal ball is being mended right now lol

Sorry! 😘
Milliepops, you're probably right and I'm just being a big baby!!
Indie, can't rebook the lesson (she's in high demand and we've already rescheduled, which is why this lady asked how it went, as I hadn't seen her this week) and don't want to! I need to know how crap I am. ;-)

 

[milliepops]

I think rebooking the lesson could end up with the same problem

It's your choice, if you don't want to be watched then that's your decision I just meant that others might not feel the same, for me a 1st lesson is a milestone with a horse so it would be easy to assume that others felt that way too. so it doesn't have to be malicious, it can just be an assumption that you'd be OK with it.

 

[nikkimariet]

I get watched all the time, by people I know and people I don't. where i train there are regularly other people sitting in. You get used to it, i barely register they are there tbh when I'm concentrating. I think most people watch out of interest rather than thinking snotty thoughts about you.
but anyway....

if it's people you know and you don't feel comfortable I would just say you'd prefer if they didn't, and perhaps you might feel different when you and the horse are more established (only mentioning this so you don't burn your bridges, if you might want some video or photos taken in future lessons.... always handy to have a camera-person then! )

This. You really do get used to it and also to not caring who is there and who is not!

 

[HazuraJane]

It's all well and good to say, "I'm the type of person who's so accustomed to being watched that it doesn't bother me," but not everybody is you. If the OP gets nerves being watched it's simply where they are at this time in their riding. To show up to watch someone ride a young horse for the first time is insensitive unless the rider has given the all clear for it. Sounds as though OP needs to be as blunt as the back side of an axe in order to get the 'friend' to back off.

 

[Michen]

I have asked people to not watch my lessons before. Quite firmly to someone who just couldn’t get the hint. I hate being watched during training and get distracted, tense and it all then falls apart. I figure that if I’m paying for the lesson and someone wants to watch then they should have the courtesy to ask.

 

[catkin]

Would it be worth discussing your worries with your trainer?
most trainers like their pupils to be as comfortable as possible as that's the best way to have a good lesson. A word or two from trainer to an 'audience' before you get going may well diffuse any situation.

 

[BBP]

I get it, I hate people watching, I’m just really self conscious. If it was me and they insisted on watching when i didn’t really want them to, I would put my phone in their hand and ask if they would mind videoing the whole lesson for me if they are watching anyway. I know just from videoing my sister that it’s pretty hard to be a critic when I’m focusing on videoing her! Plus you’ll get a good video to watch back to learn from!

 

[Fransurrey]

I get it, I hate people watching, I’m just really self conscious. If it was me and they insisted on watching when i didn’t really want them to, I would put my phone in their hand and ask if they would mind videoing the whole lesson for me if they are watching anyway. I know just from videoing my sister that it’s pretty hard to be a critic when I’m focusing on videoing her! Plus you’ll get a good video to watch back to learn from!

I do have a trusted friend (the mutual one!) who is bringing up her posh camera, but she did ask if I would like that and said she would leave if I asked. Good idea about giving the other one my phone. I'll have a proper album, lol!

I actually now think the other friend has misunderstood a message I sent about selling ring side tickets - lesson learnt there, ho hum!! I'll see how it goes. Yes, I am very self conscious as a rule, but will suck it up and tell them to bugger off if I need to.

 

[milliepops]

maybe think about it as helping you to learn to feel less self conscious
I know lots of people get nervous about being watched at shows etc so getting used to it at home is one way to deal with that. I think if you actually come out and say you'd rather they weren't watching would do the trick though, can't really object to that can they?

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

'Hi xx, I understand that you're coming to the yard at the same time as my lesson to see xx, I would be grateful if on this occasion you wouldn't mind not watching the lesson as it's happening? Happy to chat about it afterwards but my nerves are getting the best of me, and I'd like to make the most of it without feeling too anxious.'

A text like that should solve your issue pretty quickly. I agree that you need to be fine with people being there eventually, but that isn't something you need to solve now. I can't see how, in any way that message could be taken the wrong way either, so would hopefully avoid any potential dramas.

 

[milliepops]

'I can't see how, in any way that message could be taken the wrong way either

I can't either, it seems pretty good to me... but you just never know sometimes
seriously it sounds like a good non confrontational way to put her off.

 

[stormox]

We expect our horses to ignore outside distractions. I used to be paranoid about being watched but I told myself that if I expect my horse to do something I should expect the same of myself. So I got over it that way - especially as at the yard i was at everyone watched anything interesting going on anyway!