WWYD - A bit stuck on best way

[Nayumi1]

So a couple of weeks ago I bought my own horse - Lunar. She's a 6yr old reschooled ex-race (that never raced). She is a very forgiving ride, really responsive to aids etc. I've been riding her most days to learn/get to know her and for her to get to know me. Every day we (mostly me) make more and more improvements.

I then have my partners daughter (15yr) who has done fortnightly lessons at a riding school for the last year and a half. She is wanting to ride her, compete her etc. My partner asked me last night to do a lesson with her tonight to show her how to ride her. I said that I didn't feel comfortable doing it as I am learning to ride myself, but he responded saying she's my horse and she wants to learn to ride her. I suggested more lessons with another instructor but he said I've already learnt those basics from that instructor (still learning, putting into practice etc)

I suppose my other concern is she is super keen to ride her as much as possible and compete her, jump her etc but I spoke to my partner about it and he ensures me that part is an over excited teenager.

I have a really good relationship with her so it's not about being sour eggs. How would you handle it?

 

[Auslander]

Ask him if he would allow her to take driving lessons from someone who hadn't yet passed their driving test!

 

[SEL]

Do you think your partner is trying to save money on riding lessons? If so, I'd go down the route of ex-racers can be unpredictable, horses need time to settle, perhaps in a few months etc etc.

If not, then suggest she has a freelance instructor to give her lessons on your horse? [unless you don't want her riding your horse at all, in which case go back to unpredictable ex-racers!]

 

[Widgeon]

Oh that's a difficult one...first off I think that your concern is totally valid - "fortnightly lessons at a riding school for the last year and a half" isn't much, almost certainly not enough to ride and compete a 6 yr old ex racer.

However like you say it would be a shame for your relationship to suffer over this. Would it be possible for you to get a good local instructor to give her a lesson on your horse, and get an independent opinion on her riding, as well as providing a more controlled environment? That way, if it is obvious that daughter is not up to your horse, then you can say "instructor said she doesn't think X is ready for this horse" and you can't take the flak for it. And if she's a sensible 15 year old, if she is over-horsed she may have the sense to realise it and dial down her ambitions (your partner is probably right that that will happen naturally anyway!). If she's actually ok on your horse, with no adverse effect on the horse, then maybe low level semi regular lessons on her would keep everyone happy? (assuming you're comfortable with this of course). It sounds like you just need to find a sensible way to get past this initial excitement and then things will probably settle down.

The one thing I think it would be worth really standing your ground on is that your instructor is teaching you to ride, not teaching you to teach. If you are not comfortable teaching a beginner then just don't do it, even if you feel pressured - that sounds like an accident waiting to happen.

P.S. Insurance for everyone! But you sound like the sort of person who would have thought of that already.

 

[Widgeon]

Do you think your partner is trying to save money on riding lessons? If so, I'd go down the route of ex-racers can be unpredictable, horses need time to settle, perhaps in a few months etc etc.

If not, then suggest she has a freelance instructor to give her lessons on your horse? [unless you don't want her riding your horse at all, in which case go back to unpredictable ex-racers!]

Oops, posted at the same time - yes, this!

 

[Nayumi1]

I think it is about money mostly, when i suggested a lesson with my instructor first he didn't see why he should when she can ride mine for free (not free to me really haha). The other problem is that he comes to the stables every day and sees this calm horse who does everything you ask. All I am doing though is walk/trot transitions, trotting poles and circle work. I have cantered her and yes she gets giddy so I went back to the walk/trot transitions. So his opinion is she is a really well behaved horse, though its early days!

However you have just raised a really good point which I completely forgot about, only I'm insured with BHS. She will need her own insurance before riding anyways, especially on the livery yard.

I don't have an issue with her learning to ride her every now and then as long as it doesn't effect my own progression.

I spoke to my instructor as she has seen the situation first hand and recommended perhaps just lunging her in walk for 10 or so mins?

 

[be positive]

I think you need to have an adult chat with her, probably after a frank talk with your partner, she sounds as if someone has put ideas into her head, the thought of riding and competing must have come from somewhere possibly just a throw away comment from dad one day, you need to help her understand that this is your horse and not one that she is going to share, that any riding will be on your terms and it is not likely to lead to competing any time soon, if your partner does not grasp this you are going to be constantly put under pressure for her to ride and if you give an inch, lunging in walk for example will not be enough for long, then you will struggle to remain in control.

You can remain on good terms if you don't allow it to escalate and offer to let her be involved in other ways, take her with you as often as you can to help with chores but make it fun, get her to watch your lessons, if she is really keen then start to allow her to cool her off or to do more responsible jobs, as a RS rider it is unlikely she has the basics of care so help her learn them and her reward can be some riding as and when you decide, make sure she keeps going to the RS and if you can go and watch a few lessons there she will probably appreciate you taking the time.

 

[Nayumi1]

Definitely think that is going to be the best way. I tried the conversation yesterday with a different approach and suggesting lessons with an instructor first but that didn't work and I've been debating in my head the best way now without them thinking I'm being selfish and stopping her from riding (they've not said I am, that's just my own concern).

She volunteers at the riding school on a Saturday which in return she gets a free lesson once a fortnight. Prior to that I was paying for both of us to have lessons twice a week but decided that I was not progressing and ended up with a share for the last year. I think the competing comes from the riding school, as she is doing jumping there and she wants to do show jumping/eventing in the future. She no longer wants to volunteer there though so I suggested she volunteers at my instructors yard instead.

I will definitely get her more involved in the horse chores, plenty of poo picking in the field to do, raking the arena, moving the electric fencing for strip grazing etc. She's turned out 24/7 at the moment.

Anyways I'm waffling now, I will definitely take your suggestions on board and have the discussion with my partner after work. Will be interesting to see how he will respond.

 

[TheMule]

It's your horse, not hers. I'd suggest to your partner that he should look to get her a horse to share or on loan

 

[MissTyc]

I would be firm about this. A horse is an investment, and I don't let kids play with my investments!
Now, if she could have a regular lesson with your instructor or other suitable freelance, this would be a nice solution to start with. Perhaps this could be proposed for the winter, with a view to her riding without the instructor once the instructor believes she is ready to do so.

 

[Fiona]

You've only had him a couple of weeks, horse is still settling in himself..... How would your partner feel if his daughter had a fall and injured herself??

I think he's being a typical non horsy person, and saying 'why can't x ride your horse, rather than paying for lessons' and doesn't understand that TBs can be scatty, horse is new and settling in, and you can ride but not necessarily teach......

Personally, I'd suggest booking a lesson for the teenager a couple of weeks in the future (giving horse further time to settle) with your regular instructor, and letting them assess the combination....

And then moving forward after that....

Do you actually want her riding your horse or are you just feeling under pressure from your partner and his daughter?

Good luck

Fiona

 

[MyBoyChe]

Your horse so your choice but I wouldnt think a young TB and a fairly novice owner/rider who is still learning herself would be an ideal combination to teach another beginner! Im sure I remember a case that hit the news a year or so ago where a teenager fell and hurt herself quite badly and then sued the owner of the horse, despite having begged the owner to let her have a ride on said horse Not saying this would happen but might be worth reminding him of the dangers and that as you are not insured to teach, its just not an option

 

[Goldenstar]

Time for a frank conversation that not a negotiation.
People are nuts a father wants to put his child a year and half into learning to ride in a riding school on the back of a young TB and have the child taught by an inexperianced person who does not know the horse well.
It’s also your horse , horses are not bikes there can be consequences in having them ridden by beginners and that could influence the horses future and your enjoyment of the horse.
You need to get ground rules in place and your partner need to wake up and smell the coffee there are few sports more risky that riding and learning to manage that risk is a vital part of having and being around horses .
You instincts are good ,good luck with your mare and with managing this issue .

 

[PapaverFollis]

I would not put a kid on a new to me horse full stop never mind an exracer no matter how sweet they seem. As they settle in new behaviours can just appear out of nowhere. I wouldn't want that to happen with a kid on top of the horse.

Your partner needs to back the f off.

No is a compete sentence, stop trying to explain. No, it's not safe. If you must.

When, and if, you feel comfortable then fine... but you don't yet. End of discussion.

 

[Nayumi1]

I'm glad that the advice is all the same and that I am not overreacting about it. I completely agree about not knowing her at the moment and anything could present itself. I made sure I had a good support network for that reason so I had the confidence even though I am novice myself.

I think I will have a conversation this afternoon with my partner (who is the typical non-horsey I'll just jump on any horse! I do admire his confidence lol) and explain that I am not going to give lessons on her however she can have a lesson on her with my instructor who is both qualified and insured to teach. If he is not happy with that then she doesn't ride her as I am not comfortable with being liable if anything happens.

 

[Fiona]

I think I will have a conversation this afternoon with my partner (who is the typical non-horsey I'll just jump on any horse! I do admire his confidence lol) and explain that I am not going to give lessons on her however she can have a lesson on her with my instructor who is both qualified and insured to teach. If he is not happy with that then she doesn't ride her as I am not comfortable with being liable if anything happens.

Good plan OP.....

Fiona

 

[pippixox]

As everyone else has said, stand your ground. You are completely right: it is too risky. Plus it won’t save any money if she gets hurt and your horse also responds badly (of course sounds like you have a nice horse- I have an ex-racer I got as an 8 year old-now 21- and he was my first horse. He is wonderful, but we did have a few issues in the first 6 months, that were not apparent straight away)

Also sounds like she just doesn’t want to do the work for lessons any more. I guess she figures she can get lots more riding on your horse without losing all her Saturday?! I’m sure once you get her doing just as many chores in order to earn her lessons she won’t be so keen (although I was a girl who would happily muck out all day just to hang out with horses before I was lucky enough to get my own)

 

[honetpot]

I do wonder what her mum would think and the repercussions if she got injured. I would say he had to be there and take full responsibility.
Someone wanted to borrow my pony for their child to ride. They soon dropped the idea when I said that they had to supervise.

 

[Nayumi1]

Her mum doesn’t like the idea of her riding anyways but let’s her. Her dad would have no problem being there as he is there every day anyways.

Well field cleaning up and raking the arena is what I do daily anyways. She said she wasn’t learning there and wanted to stop but I suspect it may have to do with wanting to ride my girl on a weekend.

 

[9tails]

The other problem is that he comes to the stables every day and sees this calm horse who does everything you ask.

Every day??!! Oh my.

 

[Nayumi1]

Yeah they’ve taken a big interest since I’ve gotten her....

 

[AmyMay]

Get some boundaries in place. Your horse, your time. I couldn't stand to be accompanied every time I went to the yard.

And of course, your partner could always buy his daughter her own horse.

I have absolutely no problem in saying 'no' to someone (or a suggestion) who wants to ride my horse.

 

[Nayumi1]

Just an update, I told my partner I was not comfortable with giving her lessons on my horse. His response was it’s not lessons just letting her ride with correcting things. Is that the same lol.

Anyways I’ve said no, he’s said fine my horse and refuses to talk about horses now.

 

[Gloi]

This sort of thing is the reason I'm glad to be single.

 

[Fred66]

Just an update, I told my partner I was not comfortable with giving her lessons on my horse. His response was it’s not lessons just letting her ride with correcting things. Is that the same lol.

Anyways I’ve said no, he’s said fine my horse and refuses to talk about horses now.

Sulking is not a good way for an adult to behave. Is this his normal reaction to not getting what he wants ? If so does he normally come out of it of his own accord or do you normally give in ?

I'm in agreement with the others who think this is a disaster waiting to happen and any initial riding of a horse is best done in a controlled environment.

Make sure you point out to your partner that you are not being mean about it you are just genuinely concerned for his daughters safety and also your own. At the moment you are getting on reasonably well with a new horse and are not pushing the mare out of her comfort zone and therefore the mare is behaving. Explain horses, especially thoroughbreds, are unpredictable and this could change at the drop of a hat and that you will be getting proper lessons yourself on her shortly.

Having said all that assuming that you are happy with your partner then some level of middle ground may need to be found.

How do you feel about lunging and does your horse lunge safely ? You could suggest a compromise of a lunge session followed by a series of lessons on her with an instructor if the lunge session goes OK. I don't know your financial circumstances but you could look at contributing one for her in exchange for doing chores at the stable, tack cleaning, poo picking etc.

Pony Club can be an economic way of getting insurance and also the rallies provide a controlled environment with qualified instructors also you could look longer term into her trying to loan a horse that might suit her better.

 

[Tiddlypom]

Every day??!! Oh my.

This. Are you happy that he does this?

 

[Nayumi1]

Sulking is not a good way for an adult to behave. Is this his normal reaction to not getting what he wants ? If so does he normally come out of it of his own accord or do you normally give in ?

I'm in agreement with the others who think this is a disaster waiting to happen and any initial riding of a horse is best done in a controlled environment.

Make sure you point out to your partner that you are not being mean about it you are just genuinely concerned for his daughters safety and also your own. At the moment you are getting on reasonably well with a new horse and are not pushing the mare out of her comfort zone and therefore the mare is behaving. Explain horses, especially thoroughbreds, are unpredictable and this could change at the drop of a hat and that you will be getting proper lessons yourself on her shortly.

Having said all that assuming that you are happy with your partner then some level of middle ground may need to be found.

How do you feel about lunging and does your horse lunge safely ? You could suggest a compromise of a lunge session followed by a series of lessons on her with an instructor if the lunge session goes OK. I don't know your financial circumstances but you could look at contributing one for her in exchange for doing chores at the stable, tack cleaning, poo picking etc.

Pony Club can be an economic way of getting insurance and also the rallies provide a controlled environment with qualified instructors also you could look longer term into her trying to loan a horse that might suit her better.

We generally agree on most things so it’s never been a problem but no he’s not one that likes not getting what he wants.

From the two weeks I’ve had her she lunges beautifully, rides beautifully. She spooked once and chucked a bunny hop in canter. Nothing that caused me any concern.

He’s refusing the extra money for lessons, there’s a long history to this so I understand this and wouldn’t want to push it (ex difficulties). I stay out of it for a peaceful life

Even if he gives me more time to get to know the horse better, get volunteering with my instructor and then from there it won’t be a problem.

 

[PapaverFollis]

So he's trying to emotionally manipulate you into removing your boundaries. What a delightful chap.

 

[Nayumi1]

So he's trying to emotionally manipulate you into removing your boundaries. What a delightful chap.

It won’t work, he’ll get over it. I’d rather her being safe than him being put out for a bit

 

[Red-1]

The childish part of me thinks it would be great for her to learn to drive a car, I am sure he could take his car to a field or track and allow her to have a wizz round? Most teenagers would like to drive.

In all seriousness, think I would look up the sad newspaper articles concerning the teenage girl who rode the racehorse belonging to her boyfriend's mum. I seem to remember the mum/owner took an awful lot of flack for allowing a teen onto the horse, despite her being a better rider than the owner. She took legal action against the mum/owner and won, the owner lost her house as the horse insurance was not for as much as the damages when the girl broke her back and is now confined t a wheelchair.

The moral of the tale is not so much about the insurance (as BHS would cover most eventualities) but about the amount of criticism the owner got for allowing the competent son's girlfriend on board in the first place.


ETA - https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/teen-paralysed-horse-riding-accident-9198137