Yard bullies, can someone pls explain to me the need?? grrrr

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showley1

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I will firstly apologise as this will turn into a rant as so annoyed! , over the last few months on our yard there has been lots of bitching and back biting going on woth people being reported to yo for things they either haven't said ( at least in the context implied) or vastly exaggerated/ altered, this has lead to some liveries moving on and others changing the time they attend, I always try to keep my head down when I am there and don't get involved in the bitching and am also old enough to not care either so whilst it can make things uncomfortable such is life, my problem being today I have gone this morning to see the lady who stables 2 of hers next to mine ,and sometimes throws my nets in for me on a morning if I can't make it, to find that this 'bitching' has now moved onto the kids, and 1 of my 14 year old twins was reduced to tears last week at being called a ' slut' by the liveries daughter, I am absolutely fuming I work extremly hard to provide this for my girls how dare they think this behaviour is unacceptable? and whats worse the yo seems to be turning a blind eye, but thinks nothing of using the girls helpful nature to utilise them as free labour when it suits!!!! Grrrrrrr rant over, I think lol :-)
 
I would certainly be having words with the yard owner, I have been on yards like this and it is an awful atmosphere for everyone! But for your daughter to be reduced to tears is awful and not the enjoyable atmosphere you want at a yard.
 
Leave! Yards are renowned for being bitchy places and its such a shame as at the end of the day we all have a common interest and could be great friends.
I left my yard, I wasn't directly involved in a lot of the bitching but know I had a bit aimed at me and I just disliked hearing people sl**** off constantly... until they arrived of course!
I now admit I miss the companionship and stream of people to hack with but all in all I love my own little patch and never feel the need to get done asap and gone because of the atmosphere.
Its also incredibly unfair to pick on a 14 year old- My daughters 13 and that sort of thing would really upset her for a long time. I hope she's ok and was able to see through it all xxx
 
Thanks was starting to think it was just me, it's as if they are trying to arrange a ' pecking order' with themselves at the top, even liveries that have been there years have left, but poor kid has been left feeling she can't say anything as it will cause trouble? fuming but want to calm down before I speak to yo as there are no vacancies nearby by!
 
I haven't spoke to her yet, luckily the girl who told me this morning was there with her had a good chat and reported it as bullying thankfully, as she is part if a pair she is the quiter more vulnerable and will help anyone, including themselves, just can't believe anyone could be so cruel, they are the type who stand and bitch about everyone on the yard, and report even what is put on facebook back to yo, a livery posted looking for a property with land who was tackled day after posting by owner, used to be a lovely place but looking like maybe time to seriously search around xxx
 
I feel very sorry for your daughter and appalled that someone would speak to her that way!

Honestly? Keep your head down, and start looking for somewhere else. It sounds as though there is no point talking to YO and doing so may only cause repercussions. IME, behaviour on livery yards trickles down from the top . . . from the YO him/herself and from the inevitable Queen Bees (there's always at least one on a big yard) . . . if the YO isn't willing (or able) to be objective, fair and impartial and show leadership and good management by not tolerating bitchiness, the yard will not be a pleasant place.

I am very sorry that you are in this position - it's not pleasant :(.

P
 
Bullying of anyone but especially children is totally unacceptable.

Can I just clarify who is doing the bullying, is it the daughter of the livery person that keeps her horses next to you ? Or was it this livery that informed you that your daughter was being bullied ?
 
What a shame. Livery yards don't have to be places where bullies can make life unpleasant. Good YO's try to prevent a bad atmosphere and are careful about taking liveries who cause trouble.
Your YO doesn't seem to be cracking down on this and consequently, good clients go elsewhere because they are welcome on any yard.
Have a word with the YO and with the person who was rude to your daughter. If you can handle this in a proactive but calm way, you'll not only show your daughter how to handle bullying and show your daughter that you understand how unfair it was.
 
Such a shame, sorry for you and your daughter op. Tbh, if I was you I would seriously start looking elsewhere. Horses are an expensive hobby and it's horrible to feel that the enjoyment us being taken out of it because of a few horrid people. The yo should be taking responsibility for nipping these issues in the bud. The yard I've been riding at has a great owner who promotes a friendly and supportive atmosphere. She won't stand for any nonsense - and therefore nonsense is very minimal! Hope your daughter doesn't take the name calling too much to heart, bless her.
 
There is a grandmother, mother daughter trio ( daughter 14 mum late 30s grandma in her 60s) grandma and mum are doing the main bitching towards everyone on the yard, they seem to be seen to be yo number 2 and that includes calling the girls amount they ride what they do, what they don't etc which also has only come to light today also, but it was the 14 year old daughter who reduced my daughter to tears calling her a slut, with mum and grandma laughing, am starting to think approaching yo not the way forward as like said example do set from the top and she has not tried to stop this and actively engages in bitching as I have heard her, think best way is going to be head down and seek pastures new, hopefully will find somewhere we are all happy :-) xxx
 
If the YO does some of the bitching, you'll never be happy there. I adopt the same approach as you, keep my head down and concentrate on my horses but say hi to everyone etc.
Sometimes, you can't help but get in the firing line with people like these women. Find somewhere else for livery and let your current yard find new clients for cannon fodder.
 
How horrible. I came to horse riding late in life and what you describe is what I was expecting. So far, I must have been extremely lucky as I've only been on yards with a lovely atmosphere (only 3 yards). Nice yards do exist and I really hope you can find one.

For the time being you're stuck there though and this issue of bullying is clearly upsetting for your daughter - unsurprisingly, as it can be very damaging. I have a couple of suggestions for her in case the bully won't stop in the time it takes you to find another yard. These suggestions won't come easily in the beginning, but if she can master them, she'll be able to use them for life.

What a bully wants to do, is make the 'victim' small and broken. So, for every insult the bully hurls at your daughter, she should do 2 things, the first is to dismiss the bully (e.g. take a little breath, give a little 'oh-how-boring' sigh to herself while turning/walking away - it doesn't have to be obvious but your daughter will feel the benefits of it), the second is to immediately think of 2 good/positive things about herself (what she's achieved, that she's kind to her horse, that she's a good friend, etc. etc.). She should think of 2 different things for every insult and do it straight away before she bothers to answer the bully. That will help to stop the insult shredding her confidence in the first place because she's not bothered to give it air time and also build up her confidence because she's thinking positively about herself. She won't be able to do it every time at first but the more she tries, the better she'll get at it and the easier it will become.

The other thing is - this bully is someone your daughter doesn't like. So why should some stupid word that comes out of the mouth of someone she doesn't like (a word that's only applied to girls, btw) be given any of your daughter's time and thought (I'd like to do a bit of hoof stamping on double standards here. Staggering to realise they're still around!). It's a tough one at 14 years old but if she can think to herself, 'big deal, why should I give a monkey's about your opinion - my opinion is worth more to me than yours and I know I'm a good friend and kind to my horse' etc. Do you get a picture of how it works?

I do it if I come across ridiculous people so I know it isn't always easy but I come out of it feeling better than the person who now feels like a **** because they've failed at damaging me. ...and for bonus points, she'll also find out all sorts of good things about herself that she didn't realise :) .

I do hope the bully can be reigned in, you can find a better yard to be on and that your daughter can come out of it, not only unscarred, but actually feeling better about herself.
 
"I always feel sad for people who can only feel good by being mean - they're so empty."

In big letters, on a t-shirt. As a leaving present for your fellow liveries when you go.
 
Instead of speaking to the YO, go and speak to the Liveries mother as you would if you were anywhere else, and her daughter who called yours names and get to the bottom of what happened and an apology.
Then move on.
I never understand why grown ups want other people to sort out something socially in a 'sports' ground, unless it is very aggressive or physcially intimidating in which case the aggressor should be banned.
 
Thanks lunchbox legend I will try yhat with her, the worst thing being she did like her but appears the teenager in question likes to feel superior ? I guess not being set a good example anyway as I can't believe an adult would stand by and let a child speak that way, I would have been horrified if had been 1 of mine! Have calmed down a little now and more upset than angry, but will definitely start yard hunting tonight, just a ' shame' I have 3 which makes movingmore didifficult, but at least we can then go back to enjoying ourselves xxx
 
Lol Arizhan not a bad idea, I don't need others to sort problems out, but as mother stood by and laughed as a 14 year old walked off crying she obviously didn't see a problem? apologise for bad spelling, predictive text xx
 
SusieT said:
Instead of speaking to the YO, go and speak to the Liveries mother as you would if you were anywhere else, and her daughter who called yours names and get to the bottom of what happened and an apology.
Then move on.
I never understand why grown ups want other people to sort out something socially in a 'sports' ground, unless it is very aggressive or physcially intimidating in which case the aggressor should be banned.
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This ^^ I don't understand it either *sigh* If I had a 14 year old daughter who was being bullied by anyone, I'd approach them and ask what they thought they were playing at. The YO is there to sort out problems with the yard infrastructure and to sort out any problems in horsemanship, she's not really there to be a counsellor to sort out personal issues.
 
Definitely speak to yo, why should you be pushed into leaving when you haven't done anything wrong!! Unfortunately yards can be bitchy places and sometimes you have to grow a thick skin! Good luck, insults at children are a big no no!
 
Yard bullies are such a shame. They make what should be a hobby a trial. If you can I would move, though I know that finding a good yard can be very hard. All I can say is that having been on many yards, some worse than others, I am now at a lovely yard, which my horse loves and there is no backstabbing and bitching. What a pleasant change. I must admit there are downsides, the school floods, the fencing could be better, the roof of the stables blew off in the winds over Christmas etc. but personally they are worth it for the fact that I actually enjoy being with my horse rather than feeling like I have to keep my head down. I hope that you manage to find somewhere for you and your daughter where you can enjoy your hobby :)
 
Personally is just go up to the trio tell them to get a grip and stop the scho yard bitching and that if her daughter ever calls your that again you will get involved in the matter so it had better stop.

I can't stand this side of livery yards, yes YO should take a hand I. That this 2nd in command nonsense shouldn't be allowed and to keep the peace by treating everyone fairly.

I don't believe a livery should be second to the YO it just give out airs and graces and allows this sort of behaviour to run rampant. If you don't have the social skills or balls to be a YO then don't run a yard. I was head girl/YM on a yard years ago and there was no bitching as YO wouldn't tolerate it and people who came to me moaning about people got told to get a grip. It was full livery or diy and I did the chores.

God help anyone who tried it with me if I ever wbd up on a livery yard again as they would have caught a tiger by the tail that's for sure, don't do bullying and school yard crap from adults.
 
I have been the victim of a certain yard bully, and believe me, it was awful for me as an adult. As a child, I would have been devastated. I would move asap. The huge *SIGH* when you are out of a yard like that makes the stress of moving worthwhile.

If anyone called my daughter names like that, I would be telling the YO that i would be speaking to the police as it's verbal abuse. maybe that would buck her ideas up. But whatever, you have to find another yard. Horses are supposed to be fun ! x
 
showley1 said:
... but it was the 14 year old daughter who reduced my daughter to tears calling her a slut, with mum and grandma laughing, ...
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OMG! Absolutely outrageous!! We must have cross posted this afternoon. I hadn't realised the adults were a part of it too. So unbelievably cruel. This throws a whole new slant on it.

julie111 said:
... insults at children are a big no no!
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^^ This!!
 
I haven't read this thread in it's entirety but just wanted to say that having been a livery for very many years and now a yard owner, I was determined to have a friendly, non-bitchy yard and have finally truly achieved it! What is wrong with women and horses??? Why are yards so bitchy??? All my liveries are lovely! We all get along, no-one slags off anyone else, it's great! I've managed to weed out a couple of troublesome people along the way and now we're all a happy bunch of horse owners! Long may it last!
 
I've just left my yard in a hurry because of attempted bullying. It even became dangerous! Funnily enough I ride almost every day and take my girl on trips, whereas their horses go from the stable to the field then back again period! I genuinely blame the green eyed monster and if that is the case, we are better off out of it.

Hope you get things sorted OP and stop it before it gets out of hand.
 
That's really disgusting behaviour on the girls mothers part. OP I would definitely speak to the YO and ask if you can call a meeting with yourself, daughter , the mother and he daughter & YO. I don't think it's a good idea for kids to move yards/schools etc due to bullies (unless it's a last resort) Tell her to keep her head high, there are nasty folk everywhere, every school, workplace, yard etc etc. encourage your daughters confidence & self esteem so she will be well equipped to deal with these sort of people. It's normally on some level jealousy that causes people to behave like that. I can bet your daughter is a pretty girl and they are jealous......!
 
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