A bit of horse and life advice please! Very sad at the moment

[ImmyS]

Basically I am a bit down in the dumps at the moment. I have had to give up my career and come home to live with my parents since my dad has become very ill. He will be in hospital for the foraeeble future - at least a few more months. I am also horseless. Although I have a couple I can ride it's just not the same and its getting me down. I am hoping to start university in either September or April to do nursing so quite a full on degree with placements etc but I will be living at home as uni is only 15 mins away.

My problem is I keep finding myself looking at horses and it's starting to drive me a little crazy. It seems like the worst time with my dad in hospital and the fact he might need quite a lot of help when he does come home, and I will have a part time job and a uni degree to focus on but I just feel like there is a hole in my life.

I am 19 and my own person, but I know I would be judged and advised against getting another horse by my mum, but I feel like I'm wasting too much time not doing the things that make me happy just to people please.

My question is - in my position would you get a horse? I want a horse of lifetime something young, maybe two that just needs some consistent handling but time to be a horse for a couple of years before needing more time and funds for backing and breaking. There is a yard a stones throw from my house so no matter what I could get to the yard at least once a day. I just don't know if it's selfish of me when my family is in a pretty terrible situation.

What would you all do? please help!

 

[pixie]

Honestly, I'd leave it a few years, at least until you have finished university and are working. Horses are expensive, both time and money wise. University life is very busy. You'll spend so much time in lectures, doing coursework, revising, doing placements etc, not to mention the social side of things.. And that is on top of the things that you have mentioned (having a part time job and helping with your father).
If I were you I would stick with the ones that you say that you can ride occasionally and maybe mix it up with some riding school lessons and maybe some trekking if there is somewhere nearby. That means that you can atleast enjoy the horsey side of things, without having the daily responsibility. You don't know how consuming everything else might be in your life, so you might find that sometimes you need to drop the horses occasionally while concentrating on everything else.
I know its difficult, but uni is only 3/4 years. Not long in the scheme of things. You are only very young still. Plenty of time left for horses once your life is a bit more settled.
x

 

[Pie's mum]

Why don't you see whether the Uni has a riding club? All those years ago when I was at Uni the riding club had weekly lessons and an opportunity to compete if you were that way inclined.
I wouldn't get a horse at the moment if I was in your shoes... You say you want your horse of a lifetime - it would be heartbreaking to find that horse only to be in a difficult situation of not having time for it with your other commitments.

 

[ImmyS]

I am sensible and not an irrational person. I would wait until I least start uni and my dad comes home and suss out how I am coping. I just feel like there is never a good time - just feel like I need another dimension to my life - something for myself. But my family always comes first and I wouldn't do anything to their detriment

 

[rowan666]

i can completely understand your desperation to fill the horsey void in your life, its sounds like now really isnt the time to take on a horse full time, a nursing degree is so full on and time consuming, how about looking for a part loan?

 

[LadyGascoyne]

duplicate lost

 

[LadyGascoyne]

Sounds a bit similar to where I am at the moment. In January I moved back to the UK- and back into my parents home- primarily to be here for my parents through my dads cancer treatment. There were other considerations too, but my dad was a huge factor. In doing so, I left my fiance and horse in another country. Horse is sadly no longer with us. Fiance (now hubby) should be joining soon but there is no fixed date or guarantee at this point.

I totally understand what you mean about not having anything that is yours. I haven't even really unpacked all my suitcases yet. And being horseless seemed to remove a huge part of my identity.

But life does seem to work in circles. My dad, thank goodness, is recovering amazingly. I have been given a young filly and I am married to the most amazing man. I don't feel like I'm living my "own life" yet, everything seems like I'm living someone else's a bit. But it's temporary and it will change.

I hope your dad is ok, and hang in there. Life isn't stagnant. I think horses have a way of working themselves back into our life when the time is right. I wouldn't rush it, to be honest it sounds like there is so much on your plate right now, added financial and time pressure sounds scary.

Good luck OP, and feel free to pm if you need to chat.

 

[scewal]

I would advise against getting a horse at the moment. I studied as an ODP, however had to drop out as being a single parent to my young son and working shifts was impossible. I have a friend who is a second year nurse student. Between placements, and uni work there really isn't much time to fully enjoy being a horse owner.

 

[horserider]

In your situation I wouldn't buy a horse. Partly because they are time consuming, expensive and need all of your attention (especially young horses). I understand that you want a horse- but maybe try part loaning or loaning. If it goes well after a year or two then consider getting horse. Hope it all goes well

 

[splashgirl45]

I would wait..i know when you are in your teens you will want everything straight away...however important horses are to you they are NEVER as important as your parents. it sounds like you should spend time with your dad until he has recovered rather than disappearing to do the horse...sorry if this sounds harsh but I lost my dad when I was 36 and my mum when I was 45...you never realise how important they are until you lose them!!!!!! so please cherish them while you are lucky enough to have them in your life....I didn't get my first horse till I was 21 as I didn't have the money till I had been at work for a while, so I understand how you must feel..hope your dad gets well soon...

 

[ImmyS]

I've already given up my entire life for my parents - I don't regret it and I wouldn't have it any other way. But at the same time I want a life too - with dads illness he may need constant help the rest of his life. I love my dad more than anything an will always help willingly but I want to live too. I'm not immature and can wait - I'm not a child and want it in the immediate future - but this situation isn't just temporary and I don't want to spend years just feeling empty.

 

[Micropony]

So for what it's worth, and in no particular order, my thoughts would be:
1. Parents are not here forever
2. Horse is an important component of mental health for many of us! And no, it's not selfish to want/need some time of your own doing your thing away from other pressures.
3. Horses are expensive, as is uni.
4. There's no fun in taking on so much that you constantly feel torn between lots of different priorities, not having time to really do anything 100% as you'd want.
5. Although youngsters don't need your time for ridden exercise, all the handling and groundwork takes more time than you might think. And even if you're really experienced with youngsters there are inevitably some bits that require help from a second person, which just magnifies the time management challenges when you have lots of other priorities to balance.
So maybe Rowan666's suggestion of a part loan/share is worth considering. When I have done it in the past I have found it a great way to have a relationship with a horse without all the pressures. If you could find the right horse and the right owner may be worth some thought?
Good luck with it all x

 

[Sugar_and_Spice]

I'll go against everyone else and say you should get a horse. I don't know the details of your life, but giving up a career to come and live with your parents because one is ill - it sounds a bit like you are planning to be a carer for them? Or some other form of support? My attitude i: life is too short, we never know what's arround the corner and you should have what you want, within reason. If you're going to be a carer or similar you're going to need a place to let off steam and some support for yourself. I know lots of people with busy stressful jobs who say their horse is their release from everything else, the one thing that is for them. With horses being such a commitment, they *have to* be seen to daily, it's harder for others (or even yourself!) to guilt trip you into not taking that time for yourself. If you don't have a horse you're going to need something that's just for you and most hobbies take time or cost a bit, horses don't have to be mega expensive or time consuming to keep. The one thing I will say is don't get a youngster. With a youngster the world is too new, you can't switch off and relax in the same way because nothing is familiar for them and everything you do with them is to some extent a schooling session. When you're in a hurry you need something you can rush around without it getting upset at the stress vibes, you need a horse where you can cut the occasional corner with regard to manners because you're hectic that day not a horse that needs absolute consistency because its still learning. Youngsters need too much training when you're busy and it's frustrating when you need to eg hack out and relax and all you've got to ride is a spooky PITA or a horse who doesn't canter yet or who is weak and unfit. Buy something minimum 6 that has been riding 2-3yrs already, with a fairly sensible nature. It can still be your horse of a lifetime and needn't have been out to lots of competitions already, but it will be an easier horse who can be left a few weeks whenever necessary with no detriment to the basic training, a horse you can school if you want but who will be established enough in the basics to be a once-a-week hacker if that's all you have time for for a few months.

 

[paddy555]

I've already given up my entire life for my parents - I don't regret it and I wouldn't have it any other way. But at the same time I want a life too - with dads illness he may need constant help the rest of his life. I love my dad more than anything an will always help willingly but I want to live too. I'm not immature and can wait - I'm not a child and want it in the immediate future - but this situation isn't just temporary and I don't want to spend years just feeling empty.

speaking with the benefit of age for heaven's sake get a horse, just make sure you have a backup system in place to look after it if you cannot get there for any reason. You are entitled to a life and you don't have to wait forever for it to start. If you are unselfish enough to help your parents so much you need something of your own to make you happy.

 

[flirtygerty]

Are you an only child?, if not when do your siblings help out, do you really think that if the position your dad is in was reversed and it was you needing long term care, he would hesitate to give up his lifestyle to help you.
You have horses you can ride, so also offer to care for them as and when you can, giving you carefree contact and chill out time with horses, you think you have a hole in your life now, wait till you lose your parents, now that's a hole.
Sorry, don't mean to cause offence, but you come across to me as being very immature, hope your dad gets better

 

[ImmyS]

Are you an only child?, if not when do your siblings help out, do you really think that if the position your dad is in was reversed and it was you needing long term care, he would hesitate to give up his lifestyle to help you.
You have horses you can ride, so also offer to care for them as and when you can, giving you carefree contact and chill out time with horses, you think you have a hole in your life now, wait till you lose your parents, now that's a hole.
Sorry, don't mean to cause offence, but you come across to me as being very immature, hope your dad gets better

I do take offence. I do everything for my family. I'm the one who my mum has broken down on and I've had to support her. I'm the one that holds my dads hand when he's going through a procedure. I'm the one who spends everyday juggling the household. We all have made sacrifices. Yes I have an older sister but she has a long term partner and a career. Please do not call me immature. I work hard and put money aside whilst being there for my family. I apologise for wanting a life too.

 

[horsebenny]

I would get a horse. I don't think you sound immature, you are clearly a very caring person going through some tough times. I've had some very rough times in my life - I won't go in to it all here, this is about you not me - and horses have been my salvation, my escape and exceptionally good for my sanity. A horse will give you some 'you' time. Just be sure you have support when you need it (ie if your caring responsibilities mean you can't get to the yard). I really hope it works out for you and I think you should be proud of what you are doing to support your parents.

 

[chancing]

Having been in your position-left uni halfway through my degree in order to care for my grandad so he could stay at home rather than a care home I can totally understand. Desperate to ride and watching all my mates having nights out and fun with horses sent me into a sad state of mind plus the added worry and heartache of the man that brought me up becoming so dependent.

My advice which you can ignore WAIT. I had to wait and although I've had ups and downs which is part and parcel of having horses I feel it would have been a silly stressful extra when I was 19 and in your position. I've waited until I can afford to pay for a horse properly who will foot costs of buying horse and livery shoeing insurance etc. what if you find yourself having days where you are struggling for time to get to yard and possibly compromising your horse and your father? As hard as it may sound and to understand I really don't think from your point of view your fathers your mums or the horse it wouldn't be a sensible thing to do right now.
How about looking for a share or a part time loan or even riding lessons where you can enjoy riding without extra unexpected costs and responsibility? Good luck I hope it works out for you.

 

[ImmyS]

I'm not choosing horses over my family. I would never get another horse unless I felt I could still give as much time as possible to my family. I'm not in any rush and I don't want a horse right now. It's just something I'm thinking about once everything is settled when dad is home.

 

[SO1]

I would wait until you start uni and have been there six months or so, by then you will have a better idea of how much work you are going to be doing, and much time you spend socializing and how much time is taken up with part time job.

Whilst you are waiting work out how much money per month you would be spending on the horse and put that money aside so you get used to having less to spend and that will give you a nice boost so if you do decide to buy a horse later then you have a bit of savings put aside for a rainy day which would also make life easier should you need to pay for assistance. Nursing is not a 9-5 career so you may find you might need a bit of assistance sometimes.

I had horses as child and teenager and then did not whilst I was at uni - I was a member of the uni riding club and had a very active social life and enjoyed being a student. I then did not have the funds to be able to have a horse until I was 35 and I do not feel i have missed out during the times I was horse less and hopefully will have plenty of more years to enjoy horse ownership in the future. Of course not everyone is the same and it maybe that your uni experience is different.

In the meantime perhaps you might find some volunteering with the RDA fulfilling and would give you chance to be with horses and learn about different conditions which might be useful for when you start your nursing degree.

 

[WelshD]

I would wait too

the time when you know 100% you can afford a horse, you can 100% have time to look after a horse and that your life is going in the right direction is epic and WILL come

 

[honetpot]

Not quite your situation but I know someone who's mum is in the end stages of MS, because they helped there dad with their care there life became totally stalled and based around the needs of their parents. They have now distanced themselves and although they still help out they have their own life.
I do not think you are being selfish, your are still their child and in a lot of families they should be looking after you, both my daughters are in their 20's and I am still looking after them, even though now it seems I am mainly just a source of emergency money and unwanted advice.
I think the horse is a symbol of wanting space and a way out, I am afraid if you were my daughter I would be wanting you to go to uni not only to get a an education but get involved in life and perspective. I am a nurse and have nursed many people with life ending illnesses including my mother at the end of her life and as an adult with all my knowledge it was hard.
Before you do anything go and talk to someone who understands the realities of looking after someone with a life limiting illness, there is often a carers support group, the hospital may have some contacts. Then decide what you need to help cope with the changes that are going on, yes your parents will not be with you forever but I am sure they would not, should not want you to be a basket case at the end of it all. That would be a terrible legacy but sometimes the long term unwell can become terribly self centred not seeing what their needs are doing to others.
Once you have tried to sort out in your head what your real needs are and how you can find space for your feeling then you can decide whether getting a horse is a good thing.
My daughter has just qualified as a nurse, she managed to work part time and do her course, I was amazed she had far more 'free' time than when I trained. Your own horse may be the escape you need, where you are in control of the situation and can be accepted and have your need satisfied or it could be an extra burden.
I wish you all the best, you are in a difficult position, do not feel pressured in to doing the right thing, it may work in the short term but in the long term may be bad for your wellbeing.

 

[ImmyS]

Thank you for the replies - I feel better just writing everything down on paper so to speak. I'm in no rush and in a huge period of change so I'm not going to jump into anything when things are so up in the air. again thank you for the kind comments and well wishes.

 

[Zipzop]

I'd had my own horses since I was 14, in my twenties I had an older mare who needed a slower pace of life so I sold her.
At that time a very wise person told me NOT to buy another horse for a good while and spend time doing other things.
As a headstrong horsey girl, I completely ignored this and bought two!
Now in my thirties, I still have one of the original two (and always will). BUT, I wish I had heeded that advice as although I love my boy, I have missed out on and sacrificed many things in life, just to have him. You won't realise it now but in ten years you may well look back and wish you'd made yourself wait just a bit longer. My advice? Go and live life before you get trapped with horses, kids, dogs and mortgages, once your in its hard to go back!

 

[Cortez]

You can have a horse at any time; your parents, and especially your father, will only be here for a certain time.

 

[debsflo]

My daughter is in her second year of a nursing degree and due to placements and workload can't even commit to riding club at uni due to shifts. She also misses horses but it would have been an extra stress financially and timewise. I understand horses can be therapeutic but personally would suggest you get your horse time through sharing or volunteering and throw yourself into the whole uni experience. Good luck.

 

[Luci07]

Try not to think of this as a "you can have/you can't have" situation. At some point you will have a horse again. Start looking at now much time you have and then look at your options..which you do have.

1. Find a really good stables for top lessons, I.e schoolmaster dressage horses etc
2. A share.
3. Involvement in (as suggested earlier something like the RDA) or maybe volunteer at an equine rescue.

If you stop thinking of it as an all or nothing option, you will find you really do have other avenues open to you.

And I would research I to what support/help you can get to help you deal with this situation as well. I wish you well..

 

[YorksG]

I hope that your parents understand the sacrifices that you are making. A nursing degree is going to be very hard work and I'm not sure that you will have the energy for a horse on top of all the other commitments you have. I would also say that you should not stop your life to care for your parents, if you do you will eventually resent them, which would be very sad, by all means take some of the caring duties, but not at the expense of everything else a 19 year old should be doing. Look after yourself.

 

[Ebenezer_Scrooge]

I managed my horse, part - time job (mortgage to pay etc) & a full on degree with placements with different shifts & assignments. It wasn't an easy course but my horse kept me sane & he was stabled at night on DIY. Coming up to exams etc I would ride him & repeat/regurgitate my revision out loud whilst doing so!

Time for you is important so look after yourself. Hope your Dad gets better soon.

 

[AshTay]

Try not to think of this as a "you can have/you can't have" situation. At some point you will have a horse again. Start looking at now much time you have and then look at your options..which you do have.

1. Find a really good stables for top lessons, I.e schoolmaster dressage horses etc
2. A share.
3. Involvement in (as suggested earlier something like the RDA) or maybe volunteer at an equine rescue.

If you stop thinking of it as an all or nothing option, you will find you really do have other avenues open to you.

And I would research I to what support/help you can get to help you deal with this situation as well. I wish you well..

This is good advice.

I think that, right now, you're needing some sort of goal to work towards to get you through some difficult months. I have been feeling similar recently - different situation but that everything was set in stone and my life would be like this for the foreseeable with no wiggle room to do what i wanted to do. The sudden death of a good friend made me give myself a kick up the bum and I now have a plan and something to aim for which makes everything seem so much better.

As the quote above suggests; scratch your horsey itch now and get out there either as a volunteer, a sharer or at a riding school. You'll develop your skills, get some horsey time and it could well lead to you finding your eventual horse. All of these things can be fitted around a degree and family responsibilities as the financial commitment can be controlled by you and your involvement can be flexible in terms of time, so when you need more time to devote to study or family, you can do that without the burden of 100% responsibilty for a horse.

I got my first pony through what started out as a share arrangement. I started off riding him and caring for him when I could and then when my life was reasonably settled I was able to do more with him and ultimately he was gifted to me.

Your family are so lucky to have you and you are right to want to make sure that you make YOU happy too.