A childs confidence

McNally

McNally

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My daughter is 11. She has had a few ponies, never the right pony. We have only been able to have ponies that are maybe at the yard already and for loan etc- one was 35 so only VERY light hack, one took off jumping and one will ill all summer!
We were given a 3.5yr old last summer which she has worked incredibly hard and maturely with. He's a bit too big and still very green but they have a great bond and she is doing very well. I cant afford lessons which would be the obvious solution but gradually they are progressing very well.

A lady we know is an eventer and offered to help by way of giving pointers in the school. I found though that in my opinion she is pushing them both too far too fast. The pony is getting strong and a bit much (at this point i would calm things back down to a slower pace) and i notice my daughter is white and shaky looking- she is also singing to herself quietly as they hurtle round over fences.I have stepped in and said enough but am told that i'm being over protective and holding her back. She has also fallen off several times during these sessions and always gets back on but i think she's falling because she's not ready to be doing what ever they might be attempting?

On one hand i am her mother and i know i am in danger of holding her back but, she is my baby and its like watching her dodge cars on the motorway!!
I have spoken to my daughter and told her its ok to say no etc but she said she's fine and it forces her to do the things she's scared of. (altho sometimes i have seen tears in her eyes)
Confidence is so easily broken and so hard to get back. Am i being over protective or is this just a disaster waiting to happen?
nb- my other concern is the horse, he's a baby and learning himself.
 
Another thing i should point out though is that she is always pleased with herself after and wants to do more so maybe i am not pushing her enough myself?
 
I don't think you're being over protective!

Saying do something you're scared of isn't right entirely - you should do things you're a little scared of, not going white as a sheet scared of!
 
I am a mother too and I would say that while its good for them to be pushed a little bit and to get over their fears if a GOOD instructor thinks they are capable and ready, 90 per cent of the time they should be having fun and grinning ear to ear. If a lesson is pure fear from start to finish, your friend will put her off for life. How much does she actually know about teaching and about teaching children?
 
Its so hard being a mum !

I have similar issues with my daughter, she's a confident wee rider and is fortunate to have a fantastic confidence giving willing pony, but I still find myself worrying that she's attempting too much.
I certainly wouldn't let anyone push her though, but then she's the kind of child that will just flatly refuse to do something if she's afraid or it doesn't feel right.
I think any rider whether they be adult or child has to push themselves to improve, but its hard as a mum to sit back and watch because we're far more aware of the dangers than our kids are.
How frequently is she falling off? If regular then whatever she's doing is too much for her.
Although when my daughter learnt to jump on her pony, she came off again and again, always rider error and never the ponies fault. It ended whereby my daughter is now not afraid to fall off, she just gets right back on and gets on with it, but I guess knowing her pony has never put her off once helps in her mind.

Often the fear we perceive our kids to be in is far greater in our heads than it is in reality, its actually us thats really scared. I'd go with what your daughter thinks and feels, she's the one on the pony and knows best how she feels x
 
This is something I don't envy you with - my little girl is too young for all this yet - But I would say that it sounds like they could spend a little more time perfecting to the level that they are at (both for the youngster and your daughters sake) - so you could talk to the eventing lady and say you'd like her to stick at the level that she is at and work on getting that right - rather than just forcing up the levels all the time and pushing them both too far. That way you aren't pushing your child backwards so she won't feel like you think she can't cope but are giving them both a chance to get mroe established in what they are doing before they are ready to move up another gear?
 
You can learn in many ways.

I came off a fair few times (learning as an adult) but I'm making sure that my OH doesn't. For me it was a combination of stressful/spooky environments (for the horses), inconsistent teaching (me and horses) and youngsters or otherwise unsuitable animals who the instructors didn't know well enough to make allowances for. But having said that I'm still riding and I love it. ;-)

If she goes a little too slowly she might feel momentarily behind other kids/this eventer's expectations but she could have a lifetime of enjoyment before her. If she goes too fast she risks getting sour with it or loosing her confidence.

Unless someone/some horse has specific career or competition aims in mind I don't think it ever hurts to progress slowly.

Could you find somethign she can do with other children (PC, riding club?)/even join the lessons on your horse so there is less pressure?

It can be hard as a child to know what other options are out there and if you'd like them.
 
I think it sound like the lady is being a bit ambitious with the rate of progression. The most important thing is for the child and the pony to have fun, who cares if it's not perfect as long as they are safe. There is a very fine line with children as to supporting their confidence wibbles (when you know they can do it) and then pushing them out of their comfort zone. Unfortunately I am old enough to have learned to ride with very little supervision and with big gangs of us all haring round jumping stuff that we hoped no-one else was brave enough to jump, but not many kids have that opportunity now.
I would diplomatically suggest that your daughter and the pony have a 'little rest' from the lessons, but perhaps ask this lady if she wouldn't mind teaching you to lunge or long rein the pony?
Don't make a big issue with your daughter, but remind her that it is ok to say when she doesn't want to/feel able to do something.
 
I think you are right to be concerned. It stops being fun when you are pushed too hrd, and your daughter may just stop enjoying riding.

Also, with a young horse and young rider it is easy to ask the horse to do something that your daughter does not have the confidence for, the horse may feel it and result may be a stop or fall, that is then repeated, because the next time your daughter has less confidence, or she gets hurt.

I can remember having some lessons where I was pushed, and yes sometimes you need to be to get over a hurdle,(mental block,) or where the instructor sees that you have the ability but not confidence. If your daughter is being pushed every lesson though, I would say it is probably likely she is being pushed too hard.

You have already tried to raise this with the lady involved, can your daughter have some rides where she rides on her own, so not a lesson every time, or can the lady take her out for a hack, (if horse and area safe), so that it is not all the same focus. Your daughter should have some time just to enjoy riding at her own
 
Pony club , is she a member ? If not , join!! Have a chat with a ponyclub senior instructor. They know about teaching kids.Get an unbiassed view. Personaly I think you are right to want to slow things down.
 
Thanks for all the opinions- I think you ll agree with me!
The hard bit has been that she comes away really pleased with herself and seemingly more confident (in her own words "i know now that i can jump that high so i'm never need to be nervous jumping the smaller ones" which is what she does alone or with me) This attitude confused me!

Not hope am i joining in on any lesson!!! I have a new horse who i have only ridden once and got thrown off so severely i have been unable to do anything the past 2 weeks so certainly not up for jumping lessons on him just yet! (yes i know i'm a wimp!)

Pony Club would be great- Unfortunately as i said money is a problem as is transport, we move yards soon to a new area and there is a qualified instructor i know who we may be ble to come to some arrangement with.

My daughter rides almost every day- again at the moment its hard as i am unable to walk far so its
been limited to in the field which gets a bit boring for them both- I am going to attempt to get on a quiet horse tomorrow so even if we can only walk at least its getting them out and about again.
This pony (actually 15hh) will last her forever which is why its so important they get it right now.
Thank you all!
 
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