Elf On A Shelf
...
When I went to bed last night the rain was hammering down on the skylights and ok we have desperately needed rain but riding out on a Monday morning in the rain really is no fun! Luckily for me the rain had abated by the time my 6am alarm went off - happy days! So I tootle off to do my own horses. God knows what had gotten into them as they went out of their stables to the field for breakfast like bats out of hell! Idiots!
My first lot was The Reprobate. Now normally I love riding Sky and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Except for today. He ran on Thursday, ran well enough for him, had Friday in the field and on the water treadmill (he LOVES the treadmill and it really does benefit him) Saturday he just went for a quiet trot, Sunday field. And that leads us onto Monday morning ... Sky is down to trot 2x up the gallop then lob once up. I knew he would be an arse on the 2nd trot regardless when he sees horses cantering away from him. Tacking up was a total pita! Sky loves his food and tacking him up in the alleyway is just a nightmare! He keeps diving for feed buckets and hay and no matter how many times you tell him off he gives you the 'Im so sweet and innocent I would never dream of doing what you are accusing me of!' Look. Yeah by the 5th time of asking and a proper belt to the shoulder he cops a strop and turns over the wheelbarrow one of the girls has just filled up! Twat! So off we go, trot up the drive "Eh Sky! What are you doing?!?!" I say as he puts on a big lick trot. We get to the top of the drive and set off trotting across the top field heading to the gallop. Well I say we trotted. We did set off in trot then ... "Oi you little prick! No! Don't do that! Oi! Twat features!" Yeah I got ignored again as we set off in a sideways canter down the wee hill with Sky shaking his head all over the place between his knees ... Dick. Trotting down the gallops like a giant rubber ball, pulling my arms out. Trotting up like a giant rubber ball pulling my arms out! Giving it one of those big lick trots that you just can't rise to! Head back down, round the bottom bend, horses canter off in front of us and apparently we are joining them! "SKY KHAN!!!! You absolute knobhead! Come back here!" I growl at him as we fly leap sideways for 10-12 yards! Then we get a trot. This trot was even worse than the last one! Knees up, massive moment of suspension, proper big flick out, back end coming right up under him, hocks fully engaged! I couldn't even contemplate rising to it. But then every time I stood up in my stirrups the little twat would canter. So a very higgaldy piggaldy ridiculous trot we did back up the way and half way back down when we blissfully got to canter! This was the only part of canter that was nice and only taking a normal hold. Round the bottom bend - half way then we are fly leaping sideways again before setting off in something that resembled the speed of a lob but again with the legs coming up, out and under with phenominal power, mouth wide open pulling for his life. His we ears are pricked, theres a glint in his eye and we are getting pummeled by kickback... twat. Trot back down - Thank god that was over! He is not what you need when you are still half asleep first thing on a Monday morning! Sky on the other hand is absolutely LOVING life!
My next horse was Elmo, doing the same as Sky. He ran on Thursday too, and won, so has done the same work since as the Reprobate! Jesus! He spooked at this that and everything, pulled my arms out, flung himself about - and again all before we had actually got onto the gallops proper! Feck sake. I was not amused! Trotting he pulled my arms out and then 3/4 up the gallop a ruddy sheep had the audacity to get stuck in the fence! So that sent us flying sideways! So we trundle back down and again turn to trot back up and Elmo goes fly leaping sideways snatching like a bar steward trying to canter off with the others! "Right! That's it! I've had enough of dickheads today! Come back here and trot properly!" Yeah. That didnt work! We did get trotting but then we had to come off the side of the gallops to let other canter past us. Well then sent us flying sideways again! By this point my hips cant take any more nonsense, my back is on it's way out and my knees have given up the ghost and had long since fled the scene! By the time we actually set off cantering Elmo was a total sweety pie again - until half way up when he decided to try and headbutt me in the nose ... arse. I also cant say this horses name without saying it like the Sesame Street characters would!
My 3rd lot was Bee who ran and won on Saturday so he was having his first day back just trotting. Well he plunged his head to floor and trotted off with me! He kept his head on the floor towing me every stride of the way! That was not fun! Neither was the saddle I had to ride him in! It felt like someone had filled it with bricks! Blergh!
Bee (the grey) schooling upsides Big Fatty last week.
My final lot at yard 1 was Big Bad Boris. I am not happy with Big Bad Boris. Big Bad Boris ran on Saturday too. He had been in flying form at home. He was broncing round the paddock at the races. And did he race? Pft! He put in less than 0% of effort! Thats not normal for him though so he is going to be fully checked out before he goes anywhere else. He is sound as a pound though. And he didn't even win Turnout at the races! Can't even get that right the stupid big lummox! (Ok I know I sound really mean but you know yourself how frustrating it is when you think/know you have everything absolutely spot on and then they do absolutely jack all when you need them to do their job!) He did behave himself whilst being ridden, the only 1 of the 4 that did!
Onto the next yard and Mondays are a trot round the old railway line then trotting over poles in the school (an exercise I dont really see the point in but hay ho! Im not the boss!) So the first horse there was Big B who is a spooky little toad at times round the railway. But we survived with little drama. Into the school and there was no one there to do the gate nor reset the poles when horses inevitably kick them about. So Big B turned into a pole picker. The annoying thing though is he wouldnt jog with me between the 2 sides of the school to realign the poles! I had to drag him in walk! Not thay he minded horses trotting round him or when I accidentally went to move a pole with my foot, forgot how light it was and kicked it up into his chest. He just stood there looking at me as though I was a muppet! Bless him he will make someone a great horse when his racing days are over!
My last lot was Doc. He is a horse that lives on his nerves but has the attention span of a gnat! Trotting over poles he is great and doesn't touch a single one. Then he spots something in the garden, loses his concentration for the job at hand then falls flat on his face sending poles flying everywhere!
Monday wasn't over yet ... the lads had turned the wrong horses out with each other so I had to go fetch one of them in. The field they were in has a lovely... great ... big ... super... massive ... muddy ... water ... filled ... hole ... in it! And guess where Missy was?!?! Having a whale of a time making the hole deeper and sending water flying everywhere! I went to hop past her to grab her headcollar ... SPLOOSH!!!! That would be me covered in soggy muddy water then! Its a good job I had my waterproofs on! It took another 5 mins to catch her as she was having way too much fun in the field she doesnt normally go in! So I have provided everyone's entertainment by coming back in head to toe in mud leading a horse that was dancing sideways! ... cow!
If you made it to the end - gold star for you! I will go and find some pictures to break up the text with!
Look at the muscle definition on this big lad! This is Big Fatty (who isnt fat he is just big boned with well sprung ribs!)
My first lot was The Reprobate. Now normally I love riding Sky and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Except for today. He ran on Thursday, ran well enough for him, had Friday in the field and on the water treadmill (he LOVES the treadmill and it really does benefit him) Saturday he just went for a quiet trot, Sunday field. And that leads us onto Monday morning ... Sky is down to trot 2x up the gallop then lob once up. I knew he would be an arse on the 2nd trot regardless when he sees horses cantering away from him. Tacking up was a total pita! Sky loves his food and tacking him up in the alleyway is just a nightmare! He keeps diving for feed buckets and hay and no matter how many times you tell him off he gives you the 'Im so sweet and innocent I would never dream of doing what you are accusing me of!' Look. Yeah by the 5th time of asking and a proper belt to the shoulder he cops a strop and turns over the wheelbarrow one of the girls has just filled up! Twat! So off we go, trot up the drive "Eh Sky! What are you doing?!?!" I say as he puts on a big lick trot. We get to the top of the drive and set off trotting across the top field heading to the gallop. Well I say we trotted. We did set off in trot then ... "Oi you little prick! No! Don't do that! Oi! Twat features!" Yeah I got ignored again as we set off in a sideways canter down the wee hill with Sky shaking his head all over the place between his knees ... Dick. Trotting down the gallops like a giant rubber ball, pulling my arms out. Trotting up like a giant rubber ball pulling my arms out! Giving it one of those big lick trots that you just can't rise to! Head back down, round the bottom bend, horses canter off in front of us and apparently we are joining them! "SKY KHAN!!!! You absolute knobhead! Come back here!" I growl at him as we fly leap sideways for 10-12 yards! Then we get a trot. This trot was even worse than the last one! Knees up, massive moment of suspension, proper big flick out, back end coming right up under him, hocks fully engaged! I couldn't even contemplate rising to it. But then every time I stood up in my stirrups the little twat would canter. So a very higgaldy piggaldy ridiculous trot we did back up the way and half way back down when we blissfully got to canter! This was the only part of canter that was nice and only taking a normal hold. Round the bottom bend - half way then we are fly leaping sideways again before setting off in something that resembled the speed of a lob but again with the legs coming up, out and under with phenominal power, mouth wide open pulling for his life. His we ears are pricked, theres a glint in his eye and we are getting pummeled by kickback... twat. Trot back down - Thank god that was over! He is not what you need when you are still half asleep first thing on a Monday morning! Sky on the other hand is absolutely LOVING life!
My next horse was Elmo, doing the same as Sky. He ran on Thursday too, and won, so has done the same work since as the Reprobate! Jesus! He spooked at this that and everything, pulled my arms out, flung himself about - and again all before we had actually got onto the gallops proper! Feck sake. I was not amused! Trotting he pulled my arms out and then 3/4 up the gallop a ruddy sheep had the audacity to get stuck in the fence! So that sent us flying sideways! So we trundle back down and again turn to trot back up and Elmo goes fly leaping sideways snatching like a bar steward trying to canter off with the others! "Right! That's it! I've had enough of dickheads today! Come back here and trot properly!" Yeah. That didnt work! We did get trotting but then we had to come off the side of the gallops to let other canter past us. Well then sent us flying sideways again! By this point my hips cant take any more nonsense, my back is on it's way out and my knees have given up the ghost and had long since fled the scene! By the time we actually set off cantering Elmo was a total sweety pie again - until half way up when he decided to try and headbutt me in the nose ... arse. I also cant say this horses name without saying it like the Sesame Street characters would!
My 3rd lot was Bee who ran and won on Saturday so he was having his first day back just trotting. Well he plunged his head to floor and trotted off with me! He kept his head on the floor towing me every stride of the way! That was not fun! Neither was the saddle I had to ride him in! It felt like someone had filled it with bricks! Blergh!
Bee (the grey) schooling upsides Big Fatty last week.
My final lot at yard 1 was Big Bad Boris. I am not happy with Big Bad Boris. Big Bad Boris ran on Saturday too. He had been in flying form at home. He was broncing round the paddock at the races. And did he race? Pft! He put in less than 0% of effort! Thats not normal for him though so he is going to be fully checked out before he goes anywhere else. He is sound as a pound though. And he didn't even win Turnout at the races! Can't even get that right the stupid big lummox! (Ok I know I sound really mean but you know yourself how frustrating it is when you think/know you have everything absolutely spot on and then they do absolutely jack all when you need them to do their job!) He did behave himself whilst being ridden, the only 1 of the 4 that did!
Onto the next yard and Mondays are a trot round the old railway line then trotting over poles in the school (an exercise I dont really see the point in but hay ho! Im not the boss!) So the first horse there was Big B who is a spooky little toad at times round the railway. But we survived with little drama. Into the school and there was no one there to do the gate nor reset the poles when horses inevitably kick them about. So Big B turned into a pole picker. The annoying thing though is he wouldnt jog with me between the 2 sides of the school to realign the poles! I had to drag him in walk! Not thay he minded horses trotting round him or when I accidentally went to move a pole with my foot, forgot how light it was and kicked it up into his chest. He just stood there looking at me as though I was a muppet! Bless him he will make someone a great horse when his racing days are over!
My last lot was Doc. He is a horse that lives on his nerves but has the attention span of a gnat! Trotting over poles he is great and doesn't touch a single one. Then he spots something in the garden, loses his concentration for the job at hand then falls flat on his face sending poles flying everywhere!
Monday wasn't over yet ... the lads had turned the wrong horses out with each other so I had to go fetch one of them in. The field they were in has a lovely... great ... big ... super... massive ... muddy ... water ... filled ... hole ... in it! And guess where Missy was?!?! Having a whale of a time making the hole deeper and sending water flying everywhere! I went to hop past her to grab her headcollar ... SPLOOSH!!!! That would be me covered in soggy muddy water then! Its a good job I had my waterproofs on! It took another 5 mins to catch her as she was having way too much fun in the field she doesnt normally go in! So I have provided everyone's entertainment by coming back in head to toe in mud leading a horse that was dancing sideways! ... cow!
If you made it to the end - gold star for you! I will go and find some pictures to break up the text with!
Look at the muscle definition on this big lad! This is Big Fatty (who isnt fat he is just big boned with well sprung ribs!)
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