rosiesowner
Well-Known Member
Most of my brain is telling me not to post this, because it's attention seeking, self indulgent, uninteresting, unnecessary etc. But I'm going to! I don't care if not one person reads or replies, as I just want to take this chance to reflect on some progress. 
I'm 18 in a couple of weeks, which is a birthday I never thought I would or planned to reach. Having felt depressed due to family circumstances since the age of 11 and really falling into the pits when I started secondary school and became a target for bullies I didn't have much left in me. When I was 15, I ended up in hospital due to my ill health. For the three years it has been since, I've been under the care of the NHS, my life has been plagued by depression, guilt, anxiety, self harm and yet more guilt! I've lost friends and flunked my GCSEs and first year of A Levels due to never attending. Ultimately, I feel as though I didn't get to live my teenage life. I couldn't leave the house to go to see friends. I couldn't go out without the fear and paranoia that someone would kidnap/murder me!
One thing has stayed constant throughout my life, though, and I suppose you can probably guess what it is Ponies! Ponies have kept me level and sane, ponies have been big warm cuddly chunks whose manes I could hold on to when I wasn't sure if the hands I could see in front of my face were real or not. Ponies have taught me a lot of lessons in cooperation and arguments and loyalty that I didn't get to learn from friends because I pushed them away...
Here was my first pony, Twirl...
A 14.1hh Welshie X. Mr Twirly taught me a lot, and I'll never be able to thank him enough for everything he did for me in terms of my emotional wellbeing... I was too big for him by the end, but could have kept riding him as I wasn't overly heavy. I made the decision to sell him quite quickly. Within one evening! We had enjoyed our time together, but now we had different aspirations. He was happy to hack for miles and pop a 70cm course, which he was brilliant at, but unfortunately I had my heart set on bigger things and it wouldn't be fair to drag him along for the ride when he had his limits to what he enjoyed. He sold to the first person who viewed him and I was left horseless.
For over a year I was left without a horse, something that has been integral to my routine and life since I was six years old. Through the kindness and compassion of one of the most lovely women I know I was able to keep ticking over riding wise, hacking her veteran for her a couple of times every week. The arrangement worked for both of us because his farrier recommended he kept moving to keep a bit of weight off and I was getting to ride. This is the lovely boy himself, who I still have a special place for in my heart!
I was itching for more though, which made me feel awful and ungrateful. My health was already slipping back to its lowest point because I had dropped out of my first year of college, leaving me with no routine or purpose. I had nothing to do all day; or, rather I didn't seek anything. If it wasn't horses, there was no point. Wasn't interested.
I started an equine course at college in September which I have almost completed, and started making new friends again. We're so close now and they know I adore them. I started feeling a little better.
Then this April my life took almost a 180 turnaround. I found my next horse! I had searched and searched for a horse on full loan rather than buying due to being unsure of my future. I'd arranged viewings, been let down, or advertised searching for a 16hh+ allrounder and then been offered unbroken 13hh cobs.
I'd just about given up, but the same gorgeously and beautifully generous friend who had given me the ride of her horse encouraged me to post another ad. Why not? I thought. I'll do it to appease her. And boy am I glad I did!
Within the day Chilli's owner messaged me, explaining all about her and that she was unfit, fluffy, a little well padded and had been on an extended holiday... A TB mare who only just made 16hh with shoes on. Exactly what I wasn't looking for! And so, naturally, we went to view her. Love at first ride. It turned out she was everything I was looking for. Two days later, she was in her new home with me!
She has been with me for almost two months now and she has challenged me, pushed me and made me cry. Wouldn't change it though!! This is going to sound really rather sad, but once again my life has real purpose. It has routine, I have a project which is keeping her fit and in as good condition as possible. Getting her back into work, refreshing her memory on all the things she's brilliant at but hadn't done for a while.
Here are a few photos, in chronological order:
Before one of our first rides together.
First bath at her new home!
First jump school together.
First show together! 4 faults...
Being beautiful...
A school over a couple of rustics...
Winner winner chicken dinners
Enthusiastic!!
Showcross, after she broke my toe and nose, dumping me in the collecting ring in the process
Enjoying her birthday likit bar, not looking bad for 16
And looking a bit smart in her birthday LeMieux!!
Chilli has given my life a purpose once again, I work hard to make sure she maintains her life of luxury and is as well cared for as she possibly can be. I haven't had a sleep in since the start of April and my hands are covered in blisters from constant yard work. I'm working up a cracking pair of biceps from the hours of grooming, currying, washing and mane pulling and tail trimming. My body is exhausted but happy. I still feel low, I still suffer from and am medicated for depression and anxiety. But here I am, still going and kicking. I am living a life of living and breathing horses, I have the type of work ready, fit, healthy, talented and enthusiastic schoolmistress I've always wanted.
So for anyone who feels like their life is going nowhere, it will work out in the end. It has taken me seven years of the worst physical and emotional pain I have ever felt to come out, almost, of the other side able to handle the problems I have that probably won't ever fully go away but that I now know how to handle.
Oh wow, wasn't this a monster post and a half? If you read it all then God bless you, I appreciate you taking the time!
Has anybody else had experience of horses helping them through illness, whether it be mental or physical? I would love to hear other peoples' stories. There's a reason horses are used for emotional and physical therapy. They're just the most gorgeous and helpful creatures, without whom I probably wouldn't be here. I still remember the day I skipped school and took Mr Twirl on what I genuinely believed and intended to be our last ride together, the only part of this story that really makes me feel like I could cry! Never again. I refuse and vow not to be in that place again. I didn't choose to be here, but I can choose what I make of it.
Please, if you're suffering, reach out for some help. It could even be online, there's no need at first to go straight to a doctor.
Again, thanks for reading such a long essay of a post. It may not have been that coherent or sensical but it's straight from my mind to the page...
Thank you for reading, dare I say I'm a little proud of myself for being where I am and being 'brave' enough to make myself vulnerable online??
Keep on kicking
H and Chilli xxxx
I'm 18 in a couple of weeks, which is a birthday I never thought I would or planned to reach. Having felt depressed due to family circumstances since the age of 11 and really falling into the pits when I started secondary school and became a target for bullies I didn't have much left in me. When I was 15, I ended up in hospital due to my ill health. For the three years it has been since, I've been under the care of the NHS, my life has been plagued by depression, guilt, anxiety, self harm and yet more guilt! I've lost friends and flunked my GCSEs and first year of A Levels due to never attending. Ultimately, I feel as though I didn't get to live my teenage life. I couldn't leave the house to go to see friends. I couldn't go out without the fear and paranoia that someone would kidnap/murder me!
One thing has stayed constant throughout my life, though, and I suppose you can probably guess what it is
Ponies! Ponies have kept me level and sane, ponies have been big warm cuddly chunks whose manes I could hold on to when I wasn't sure if the hands I could see in front of my face were real or not. Ponies have taught me a lot of lessons in cooperation and arguments and loyalty that I didn't get to learn from friends because I pushed them away...Here was my first pony, Twirl...
A 14.1hh Welshie X. Mr Twirly taught me a lot, and I'll never be able to thank him enough for everything he did for me in terms of my emotional wellbeing... I was too big for him by the end, but could have kept riding him as I wasn't overly heavy. I made the decision to sell him quite quickly. Within one evening! We had enjoyed our time together, but now we had different aspirations. He was happy to hack for miles and pop a 70cm course, which he was brilliant at, but unfortunately I had my heart set on bigger things and it wouldn't be fair to drag him along for the ride when he had his limits to what he enjoyed. He sold to the first person who viewed him and I was left horseless.
For over a year I was left without a horse, something that has been integral to my routine and life since I was six years old. Through the kindness and compassion of one of the most lovely women I know I was able to keep ticking over riding wise, hacking her veteran for her a couple of times every week. The arrangement worked for both of us because his farrier recommended he kept moving to keep a bit of weight off and I was getting to ride. This is the lovely boy himself, who I still have a special place for in my heart!
I was itching for more though, which made me feel awful and ungrateful. My health was already slipping back to its lowest point because I had dropped out of my first year of college, leaving me with no routine or purpose. I had nothing to do all day; or, rather I didn't seek anything. If it wasn't horses, there was no point. Wasn't interested.
I started an equine course at college in September which I have almost completed, and started making new friends again. We're so close now and they know I adore them. I started feeling a little better.
Then this April my life took almost a 180 turnaround. I found my next horse! I had searched and searched for a horse on full loan rather than buying due to being unsure of my future. I'd arranged viewings, been let down, or advertised searching for a 16hh+ allrounder and then been offered unbroken 13hh cobs.
I'd just about given up, but the same gorgeously and beautifully generous friend who had given me the ride of her horse encouraged me to post another ad. Why not? I thought. I'll do it to appease her. And boy am I glad I did!
Within the day Chilli's owner messaged me, explaining all about her and that she was unfit, fluffy, a little well padded and had been on an extended holiday... A TB mare who only just made 16hh with shoes on. Exactly what I wasn't looking for! And so, naturally, we went to view her. Love at first ride. It turned out she was everything I was looking for. Two days later, she was in her new home with me!
She has been with me for almost two months now and she has challenged me, pushed me and made me cry. Wouldn't change it though!! This is going to sound really rather sad, but once again my life has real purpose. It has routine, I have a project which is keeping her fit and in as good condition as possible. Getting her back into work, refreshing her memory on all the things she's brilliant at but hadn't done for a while.
Here are a few photos, in chronological order:
Before one of our first rides together.
First bath at her new home!
First jump school together.
First show together! 4 faults...
Being beautiful...
A school over a couple of rustics...
Winner winner chicken dinners
Enthusiastic!!
Showcross, after she broke my toe and nose, dumping me in the collecting ring in the process
Enjoying her birthday likit bar, not looking bad for 16
And looking a bit smart in her birthday LeMieux!!
Chilli has given my life a purpose once again, I work hard to make sure she maintains her life of luxury and is as well cared for as she possibly can be. I haven't had a sleep in since the start of April and my hands are covered in blisters from constant yard work. I'm working up a cracking pair of biceps from the hours of grooming, currying, washing and mane pulling and tail trimming. My body is exhausted but happy. I still feel low, I still suffer from and am medicated for depression and anxiety. But here I am, still going and kicking. I am living a life of living and breathing horses, I have the type of work ready, fit, healthy, talented and enthusiastic schoolmistress I've always wanted.
So for anyone who feels like their life is going nowhere, it will work out in the end. It has taken me seven years of the worst physical and emotional pain I have ever felt to come out, almost, of the other side able to handle the problems I have that probably won't ever fully go away but that I now know how to handle.
Oh wow, wasn't this a monster post and a half? If you read it all then God bless you, I appreciate you taking the time!
Has anybody else had experience of horses helping them through illness, whether it be mental or physical? I would love to hear other peoples' stories. There's a reason horses are used for emotional and physical therapy. They're just the most gorgeous and helpful creatures, without whom I probably wouldn't be here. I still remember the day I skipped school and took Mr Twirl on what I genuinely believed and intended to be our last ride together, the only part of this story that really makes me feel like I could cry! Never again. I refuse and vow not to be in that place again. I didn't choose to be here, but I can choose what I make of it.
Please, if you're suffering, reach out for some help. It could even be online, there's no need at first to go straight to a doctor.
Again, thanks for reading such a long essay of a post. It may not have been that coherent or sensical but it's straight from my mind to the page...
Thank you for reading, dare I say I'm a little proud of myself for being where I am and being 'brave' enough to make myself vulnerable online??
Keep on kicking
H and Chilli xxxx
