A sad wwyd :(

[Adoni123]

I've had a loan horse for around 3-4 months now and I love him.

Sadly my mental health is in crisis, I've made an attempt on my life last week. I can hardly get out of bed. Friends have had to feed a lot for me and when I do go up and attempt to ride it's awful and he's probably picking up on me. Then I feel 100 x worse.

Also, disagreements with the owner is really affecting me as our standards of care are just not very compatible. Everything I seem to do is wrong or I am having to over-explain myself and it's really just adding undue stress on me which is completely not needed at the moment.

He also seems to be going through his own problems right now, not sure if it's the change in weather etc but he's a different horse this month than when he arrived. Again, it's probably my own fault which makes me feel absolutely awful.

I was just really hoping that another horse would make me happy after my last one got PTS this time last year. I've had a lot of failure this year including buying a missold horse and a lot of stress to do with that.

Starting to think me having a horse is cruel to the horse as I'm just not mentally fit enough for one

 

[doodle]

Take pressure off and don’t ride. Go up and give him a groom and a cuddle.

I really do know how you feel having been there. Just now I am with crisis team and there are no beds to admit me. I have to be hard on myself in the morning and make myself go up. He is in overnight and therefore I simply have to go up. Currently i am lying in bed. I will get up to bring him in. My horse is currently lame and so I can’t ride. Spending an hour with him just grooming is helping.

However if owner of the horse is causing more stress than good there is no harm in giving him back.

Please feel free to pm me. I have been there with the attempts and I get it.

 

[Trouper]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Fortunately I have not suffered with mental health issues (and I can't imagine how I would cope) but from your post it does not seem as if having this horse at this time is really helping you. He may just be testing you as they do sometimes when they have settled in to somewhere or someone new but he may be picking up on your uncertainty/unhappiness. Either way I think you need to stop blaming yourself - ill health is ill health whatever form it takes and his owner also needs to recognise that and cut you some slack.
I realise there is a balancing act to know how much having a horse to care for is helping you - or hindering you. But you also need to really think hard if you are doing the best thing for the horse just now. What do your friends who are helping you look after him think - they know you and the horse and their input might be useful in helping you to come to a decision?
With my practical head on I would want you to concentrate on yourself just now and get the help you need but I realise that dealing with mental illness is not the same as waiting to just heal a broken leg. As well as talking to friends, get some professional advice before you make any final decisions so that you don't have any regrets later about the decision you make.
Good luck.

 

[Not_so_brave_anymore]

Firstly, the horse is fine. He's fed, watered, looked after, that's enough.

I'm very sorry that you're so unwell. You don't need this extra stress hanging over you. I would send him back. If he's a nice sort then the owner will easily find another home for him. Any decent horse can have a couple of months off riding and be brought back into work with no drama. If she struggles to find someone else who wants him, then that shows that the horse is the problem, not you.

 

[Baywonder]

I'm so sorry you are having a tough time.

@Kamikaze has given you some good advice, and I totally agree. Step back from the riding, take the pressure off, and just do the basics. If, after a little while, the situation has not improved with the horse and / or owner, then I would have a think about what would be the best route to take, and this may well be handing him back to his owner.

Sending you virtual hugs.

 

[oldie48]

It can be a real balancing act coping with mental illness but you do need to take the pressure off yourself. I think you know in your heart that when your mental health is poor you probably lose all confidence in your ability and become over critical of yourself. Sometimes it really helps to have something to focus on, something that puts some structure into your life, so don't give up your horse unless you are sure you can't cope. You don't have to ride but if you can get out of bed to do the care, you might find it helps long term. I hope you are getting the help you need and have some support round you.

 

[meleeka]

It’s probably not helping that the owner is unsympathetic and causing you more stress, so I’d probably send him back. You say you have friends that have been picking up the slack, can you visit them for some horse time occasionally while you aren’t up to looking after one full time? I don’t think the horse behaviour is your fault at all. They are all a bit odd at this time of year I find.
Concentrate on your well-being for now and when you are ready, think again about loaning/ownership. It should be enjoyable and if it’s not there’s no point, especially if you are loaning.

 

[Equine_Dream]

It’s probably not helping that the owner is unsympathetic and causing you more stress, so I’d probably send him back. You say you have friends that have been picking up the slack, can you visit them for some horse time occasionally while you aren’t up to looking after one full time? I don’t think the horse behaviour is your fault at all. They are all a bit odd at this time of year I find.
Concentrate on your well-being for now and when you are ready, think again about loaning/ownership. It should be enjoyable and if it’s not there’s no point, especially if you are loaning.

I agree. It sounds as if you and the owner have different views on horse management, and its clearly causing you further stress. I think you need to concentrate on yourself right now and take the pressure off. I would send your loan horse back and discuss some horsey time with your friends when you feel up to it.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. A lot of horses are a bit off this time of year. Be kind to yourself and please surround yourself with positive people who understand your situation. Don't shut yourself off. Please look after yourself.
If you haven't done so already please get help for your mental health. You are not alone xx

 

[FFAQ]

Oh you poor thing! I have no advice, but lots of sympathy. Xx

 

[ForeverBroke_]

Didn't want to read and run, but so sorry you're feeling this way. I really hope you're getting the support and help you need. This forum is full of wonderful people who are happy to be an ear, shoulder or otherwise - so please do use this as a safe place.

As for the horse - for me, they are an escape and keep my head semi on straight. I must admit, on bad days I wont ride. I'll just give them a fuss so as to not set myself up for a fail. That said, if the owner is causing you more stress than good it may be worth a re-think. For me personally the horses give me a sense of purpose, but we are all different.

Huge hugs though. If I can help in any way, please do not hesitate to message. We are all right behind you xox

 

[Suechoccy]

First - YOU! Please please get some good support in place for yourself - see your GP, take what they offer (medication, referral, etc). Phone the Samaritans, they are brilliant listeners and know what to say to get you talking out loud about your feelings in an extremely safe space.

Second - this horse. You can take the pressure completely off yourself by leaving this loan/share arrangement especially as both the owner and horse are causing you stress. So detox, say goodbye to it.

Third - horses as a passion and interest. Re-invest yourself in reading some horsey novels, even the escapism of children's pony novels from your childhood, walk, cycle or drive out to a place where you know there are horses (but not people you know) and spend half hour just watching and being with them, watch how they interact with each other while listening to the birdsong, the wind in the trees. Book yourself a short hack when pandemic conditions allow. No pressure, just pleasure.

ie give yourself permission to give yourself space in your mind, and put in place all the support you truly deserve.

Gentle hugs from me. Your first post in this thread is a massive big step in the right direction - letting us know where you've been by saying it out loud.
xxxx

 

[TotalMadgeness]

Oh my word what a sad and difficult year you've had - losing your last horse then having the unpleasant experience of a missold one! I am so so sorry to hear what you have been through and it is no wonder you're in crisis. Please, as Suechoccy advised, contact the Samaritans. Then let go of the horse. There are other horses out there, other owners, and a myriad of ways you can have horsey interaction without the pressure. This horse will be fine. Totally fine. You on the other hand won't be if you continue to feel so trapped. Take care and I hope you know you are not alone x

 

[limestonelil]

Sending a virtual hug OP. I can't add anything to the wonderful advice other posters have already put. What a difficult situation it is for you, be kind to yourself.

 

[babymare]

I can not add to the good advice already given but you have made a step by opening up on here. I have been where you are and the start to understanding how I felt was talking to my doctor. Please speak to them. Sending you a gentle hug. Xx

 

[fredflop]

For a start, give the loan horse back. The owner will not help your mental health.

do any of your friends have a nice horse you could just go and brush/feed treats to?

 

[maya2008]

I think for the horse to make a difference, it has to be the right horse, in the right situation for you.

Perhaps one who needs you so much you get out of bed (and ultimately get better) for them, because no one else will do? Could be a little rescue that bonds with you or a horse that needs riding for physical reasons (e.g. locking stifles, arthritis, pssm). My main girlie had locking stifles and would literally fall over in the stable if her muscle tone started to reduce. I rode that horse unless I was physically too sick to stand because she was my world and the thought of her being in discomfort when I knew I could have prevented it was far worse than anything. At one point I had a horrific amount of pressure on me due to work and personal crises occurring at the same time. I got very ill with it all and she was the only thing that kept me here and got me out of bed each day. Even now that she is retired in a field, just touching her brings so much peace.

It isn’t always the most suitable horse either - my 6 year old daughter’s crippling anxiety is only soothed by a 14hh mare that is a handful at the best of times - for anyone other than my little girl, for whom she turns into a safe, reliable angel.

I hope you feel better soon, it doesn’t sound as if the loan horse situation is right for you, but only you know how you would feel if there was no horse waiting for you at all...until you found a new one of course.

 

[SO1]

I hope you feel better soon.

What struck me about your post was that one of the first things you said was that you loved the horse. He is being fed and cared for. Riding is not everything -shame owner is not on the same wavelength about horse care but maybe explain the situation and see if the owner is ok with you giving the horse a break from ridden work for a while to allow you to get back on your feet again and rebuild your confidence in yourself.

It is winter it may not be that easy for the owner to find another loan home that quickly and she may be more amenable if she needs to keep the horse out on loan but knows there is a risk of you sending it back.

Lots of people with mental health issues have horses, it is about getting the right set up so you can have time off if you need it, and a supportive yard.

If you are not going outside much make sure you take a good Vitamin D supplement. I know someone who had depression and taking high strength Vitamin D did make a difference esp in the winter as well as having talking therapy.

 

[Adoni123]

Thank you everyone for the kind words it has really warmed my heart.
Have collided all the advice and advice of a friend today. Contacted the owner and told her he’s a stress head and she’s coming to ride him this weekend. I have an emergency lesson booked with my favourite instructor. Prior to this I will just spend time and groom him.
Fortnight plan, assess in 2 weeks and will return him if nothing has settled. Also going to buy him a light calmer, we have forestry work in the area at the moment and he is a sensitive soul so thought that might help short term. Thank you all for advising doctors, I’m under the care of some and have been referred for more support too. Just hope things start looking up.
thanks all again I really appreciate it xxx