Advice needed!

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nikki-lynne

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I am thinking that I am going to have to put my 18yr old mare out on permanent loan. I've had her 3 years and in that time I have been thrown off 3 times. It's come to the point that I have no confidence to ride her and actually no want to get on her.

I want something to ride as I have a stressful job and it's a release at the end of the day.

My problem is I really love my mare and she is being ridden by a 14 ur old girl who also loves my mare and is doing really well with her. Unfortunately she would not be able to afford to loan her.

All I do now if feed my mare and poo pick my horse and feel I'm getting nothing out of it but we have a really strong bond!

I want someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing by loaning her out and getting something that will bring my confidence back!
 
3 falls in 3 years isn't much.......

I think I'd suggest getting a good instructor and having some confidence boosting lessons. Maybe consider some help with your confidence too like NLP, google Jo Cooper, she is often in your horse magazine advising on confidence issues.
 
They were bad falls! I can't afford all the other stuff and like I said I have no want to get on her so I don't think that lessons would help!
 
Three times in three years to come off a horse is not a bad average in many people's eyes. Of course it does depend on what you mean by "thrown off". But then if she's putting in violent moves to get you off I'm sure you wouldn't want to be responsible for a 14 yo on her!

I'm afraid that I suspect your confidence issues would transfer to another horse and that you be better off with the devil you know and getting some instruction from someone who gives you the confidence to deal with her and understand what is likely to have caused your unplanned dismounts so far. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.
 
What a shame the 14 y/o can't keep her on. Yes, riding should be fun and there's no point keeping something you are scared to ride. Good luck finding a new home for her and something more suitable for yourself to enjoy :)
 
nikki-lynne said:
They were bad falls! I can't afford all the other stuff and like I said I have no want to get on her so I don't think that lessons would help!
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If you can't afford "all the other stuff" how are you going to manage if (when!) she comes back off "permanent" loan and you suddenly have two to pay for. Believe me it happens.
 
Well if you just want to sell her go for it, you don't need us to approve it. But I suspect you would have more trouble trying to find a horse you feel safe on and continuing to feel safe while it settles in.

A few lessons aren't expensive and may really help you out.
 
There's so much scope to jump from frying pan to fire! Three falls in 3 yrs isn't bad - ok I didn't see the falls but to find something to replace your mare might not be that easy.

I accept at face value that you love the mare who's currently going well with a 14yr old jockey so I can't help but wonder what the effect would be on you or the horse if a loan did not go well - especially if the horse has some spice currently being handled well.

It's a really horrible reality that in some situations there isn't an easy answer. If you can't afford lessons or help to improve could you trade in some help for rides on said mare?

It's not that I'm saying what you have now is ideal, just that there's a bucket load of scope for it to be worse.
 
What at £40 for a half hour lesson not expensive! The 14yr old has no problems with her and has cantered and jumped her no problem. She kicked me off in a bucking bronco movement when I took my first step with her. I can sit on her perfectly fine but I fear taking my first step!
 
Hi OP

horses are an expensive hobby i'm afraid. It might be that 4 or 5 lesson might be enough for you to start enjoying your horse again, i personally would think that was £200 very well spent.

The mare obviously likes the 14 yr old who you say is riding her well, would you feel happy if she were to lead the horse while you were on her? It might be a start.

Getting a new horse can be fraught with problems & expense, i would really try & have a few lessons first before you make a final decision.

Good luck :-)
 
Nillkilynne, I replied a bit prematurely, didn't realise you'd not had any lessons with her... This would be a very good idea. Also, ask yourself what the 14 y/o does/ doesn't do compared to you. Possibly, being younger, she is a lighter jockey and not exacerbating back/ saddle fitting issues? Presumably you've checked all this?
 
Yes already had everything checked and everything is fine! I have had lessons on her in the past year and spent out a lot of money to have her nearly break my back in one lesson!

The 14 yr old is a similar build to me and weight!

I have had lessons on other horses and have no problems with my confidence
 
£40 for a half hour seems on the steep side. Look around and get some recommendations for instructors, you should find one about half that price.

If she's bucking you off there may well be an obvious cause, horses don't normally bronc for no reason.

If you can't afford lessons, how will you afford a new horse? Safe confidence givers don't come cheap.
 
Nikki, you have asked for advice and then are shouting at people who suggest things. I suggest you do as you please though as someone else has said f you can't afford more lessons you certainly won't be able to afford a second horse. Loan horses come back with little notice sometimes and big bills.

If it were me I would sell her and buy or loan something more suitable. Again 3 falls in 3 years is not a lot, even if they have been serious.

Please don't shout at me either.
 
nikki-lynne said:
What at £40 for a half hour lesson not expensive! The 14yr old has no problems with her and has cantered and jumped her no problem. She kicked me off in a bucking bronco movement when I took my first step with her. I can sit on her perfectly fine but I fear taking my first step!
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I know from personal experience after losing my confidence jumping after I had a succession of injuries that I avoided/made up excuses etc... for not jumping.... all due to me and my own psychological issues. I really feel for you as confidence is easily lost and slow to build up again.

I think you need to work on your confidence and how your negative experiences are affecting you physically when you ride and your thought processes rather than getting riding lessons as such. If your mare is perfectly behaved with the girl but broncs you off on the first step, then there is something that you are unconsciously doing with your body especially if your mare is very sensitive to tension etc... this can all come from what you are thinking/expecting to happen being reflected in your body

I am sure NLP could help you and not be that expensive as above. Our RC did a talk with NLP which was very interesting and the lady in question helped quite a number of our members afterwards. Maybe you could see if there was something similar in your area? Self help books are an alternative, not as specific to you as a 1to1 session but you may pick up some useful techniques to help you.

However, I feel unless you feel a lot more relaxed on other horses and sit/react differently, this issue may follow on to other horses so putting your mare on loan and getting another horse may not be the most helpful. However, if this issue is specific to your mare, then maybe you need to rethink as you orginally stated.

£40 for 30 minutes is expensive in anyone's books.... shop around if you can.

Best wishes and hope things look up - having all the 'chores' of horse ownership and missing out on one of the joys of having a horse (i.e being able to ride) makes them an awfully expensive pet!
 
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Well we all tried to help but ATEOTD what the OP wants to hear is:

Wow, that's a brilliant idea, yes you will find a permanent loan home where she's looked after perfectly till the end of her days and you will be able to get a fantastic new confidence giving horse for peanuts.

The reality is that loaned out horses, even on permanent loan, come back suddenly and unexpectedly, often when they are about to incur large vet bills and that safe confidence giving horses are a) like hens teeth and b) expensive if you find one.

Or you could tackle the actual problem head on, get everything rechecked, have a very good look at what you're feeding her, her exercise regime etc and get a decent instructor to help you find out how to deal with her.
 
Sorry of it seems I'm shouting but I just feel at a loss as what to do! Lessons might be an option but I literally have no want to get on her as in I look at my saddle and think about putting it on but literally physically shake when I pick it up!

My instructor was very good and very patient with me and got me to actually sit on her for the first time since my last fall and I was fine but then she wanted to take a step and I fell to pieces! It's not that I haven't tried with her!

My instructor asked to ride her horse and I got on and rode her fine yes was a little shaky at start but not a scared as with my own
 
Get on her every single time AFTER 14 year old has ridden her. With 14 year old holding her. Just for a sit and a pat..then get off and give a treat. after a while of doing this you will find you will be ready for a step forwards, perhaps two..and build it from there.
 
It must be very difficult & frustrating for you.

Why do you think that the 14 yr old gets on so well with her? Do you worry about the teenager getting hurt or are you very happy that the mare is safe for her to ride?

Is there an older steady horse or pony that you could borrow so that you could have a few lessons on? Also maybe if you were happy on said horse, could you go for some short hacks with teen on your horse so you can see how she behaves & if she is fine, perhaps you can start to trust her again.

If she is honestly fine with the teen, i think that you have to accept that it is something that you are doing & there is a real possibility that whatever it is, it will also upset another horse in time.

I'm sure with time & hard work you will be able to sort it out.
 
The 14 yr old girl rides her for me when I'm working my double shifts and lates so this isn't really possible but I will see of once a week when I'm off she wants to help.

I did try the whole lunging 20 mins for 2 weeks, then lunging and just sitting on for 2 weeks, then lunge, sit take a step for 2 weeks. And we got to doing a whole 20m circle all led and then she bucked me off! Back to square one.

I know the market isn't great at the moment and I know the problems that could ensue but I just don't know what to do anymore. The NLP course sounds good and I will see if one is happening nearby
 
I made it very clear to my sharer how she had behaved with me and that it was her choice as to whether she came and tried her. I was very honest with her dad as well! I feel I have taken all necessary precautions by both warning her and her family!
 
I think really the cost of regaining your confidence is likely to be cheaper than just vetting & petrol for a new horse, let alone purchase price. At the worst, loan the mare out & go to a rs, rather than buying another.
And in defence of the op, whether the 14 yr old is fine on the horse is no reflection on its behavior, I can think of quite a few teens who ride at a higher level, & more confidently than the average adult does.
 
Hi Nikki,

I had a very similar melt down with my first horse, he kept napping + bolting with me when I first got him and I've lost count of the amount of times I've fallen off in the past year (20+ by now).

There really isn't any quick fix and to be very honest (this isn't a criticism) it sounds like your nerves are passing to your mare and she's thinking 'holy moly what's going on why's she so tense I don't like this I'm scared *buck* very much in the same way my horse would then nap + bolt as he knew I wasn't sure.

It took a while to overcome, a lot of patience, tears and heartache but we're they're now. Quite simply, I just persevered. I had a few rides on my instructors confidence giving horse (can't stress how vital a once a week riding lesson is, my confidence soared the more lessons I took) and kept working hard in my riding lessons and I feel much better now.

Bailey still tries to nap and will attempt to go in open spaces but I now feel that I can deal with this and have no confidence issues in this respect.

You have to face the idea that as your confidence is shot, you will be passing these nerves onto any horse that you ride and will probably create the same problems and you'll be back at the beginning with TWO horses ;(

So my advice is not to give up on your mare. Have regular lessons, watch your 14yo ride and see what she does differently to you. Start tacking up for your 14yo so tacking up doesn't become something to be nervous about. When she's finished riding and your mare's gone well, sit on the mare, give her a rub and get off. Then as another poster said, build up your steps slowly. Don't get on and grip like a vice and shake, practice breathing techniques and force yourself to yawn as these will help to relax your muscles and send a positive, chilled message to your mare.

Remember that rome wasn't built in a day, these things take a while to overcome and don't have a quick fix option. As your mare is 18yr's old you need to also keep in mind where she may end up if she's sold. Good luck x
 
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