Advice please? Ever think your horse isn’t the “one”?

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LadyLexicon

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This is hard to write.
I have two horses and my own place, but not a lot of land and look after them with my partner, on a semi surfaced track.

I have an older (18) semi retired draught, who we adore and bought for my partner, and a 15.2 cob, that I bought for me.

I’ve had my cob for 3 years and love her dearly. She’s mostly a good girl (but she is a cob!) but I can’t stop thinking that we’re not right for each other. In fact I know we’re not. I just haven’t clicked with her like some of my horses previously.

I know hundreds of people would just say sell her, but I’m struggling with it. I’ve never had to sell my horses before, and particularly with my own place, it feels wrong.

But by keeping her (she’s only 8), I’m doing myself out of a potential better match. I don’t really want 3, I keep them on a track and this would be 50% more work.

But I know I can’t have it all. So ideas on a postcard please. Have you ever sold a horse and regretted it? Should I loan her out? Sell her? Keep her?

Open to all ideas and options, just looking for personal experiences, good and bad, and maybe others that have been in a similar position.

My favourite option currently is keep her, get a third, suck up the work and maybe get a part loaner for her.
 
What is it that isn’t working? Could it be fixed? I bought my last pony convinced he was perfect but he really wasn’t so I do understand. A sharer to take the pressure off is an idea. Loaning them out is tricky unless you know the person well.
 
I have seven horses at the moment. I click with about three out of those, one of which I would never sell. The others are all nice and fun horses, but I wouldn't keep either of them as a lifetime pet (exception is the Shetland who due to age and history will stay here). I've had horses like that previously, fun to work with but I've sold them eventually and they have great homes. Their new owners can appreciate them even more, as they fit better together. It has been sad to sell most of them, but I haven't regretted it. Just because it is unpleasant doesn't automatically mean it is wrong. The horses I haven't kept, I've educated and prepared for their new homes (with owners who are less experienced with me). Had I not had them, it is unlikely they would've ended up in such good homes.

If you can have three horses for some time, maybe look for 'your' horse, and buy it if you find it. Then you can sell the cob calmly. Of course you can also have a sharer on her and keep her, I personally just don't like that but it's not wrong.
 
If you have the space for 3 but don’t really fancy the increased workload could you seek a full loaner or sharer for her with them doing a set amount of yard jobs in return for the loan being at a reduced cost to them to reflect this? (Potentially with view to buy if you feel you may want to sell her if you liked the person enough?)

Obviously the above would only work if you had the space for another and the funds to get another horse without needing the money from selling her.

At the end of the day she does sound like a type and age likely to be very desirable if good to hack, good in traffic, knows some basic schooling, been out competing without drama etc and so should be very saleable should you go down that road.
 
Realistically if you’ve had her for 3 years and still don’t feel like you’ve clicked then it’s unlikely that you’re going to if that’s related to the basic temperament of her or what she’s able to / enjoys doing being different to what you’d like to be doing. There’s things you might be able to tweak with training (eg a lot of horses will feel more forward as they get stronger, move in a more bio mechanically correct way or get fitter) but you’re not going to change who she is.

Not every horse is going to make your heart sing, feel like they can read your mind etc. You need to work out if you still enjoy her in spite of that or if not feeling that connection is affecting your enjoyment of her.

If you’re able maybe ride a few other horses and see how that makes you feel? (You’re hopefully either going to think “I wish I felt like this riding my own horse” or develop a new found appreciation of her better qualities!)

I took a while (about 2 years?) to feel I’d “clicked” with my heart horse but I still enjoyed him a lot (well maybe not so much the spending 2 hours chasing him around a field when he didn’t want to be caught!) and had a lot of fun with him in the meantime.

I sent the ginger welshie to Rockley for rehab not quite knowing what my long term plan for him was (there was roughly zero trust between us from a ridden POV at that point, especially outside the arena!) / with it being in the back of my mind that if rehab was successful and I still didn’t gel with him I might be able to sell him with full disclosure… Had a bit of an epiphany sat back on him alone in the arena at Rockley at the end of a crazy long weekend spent visiting various different friends across Devon & Cornwall and riding 5 different horses including himself. Better the devil you know & all that!

I will admit I never quite clicked with the Fuzzball from a ridden POV (did very much so from a groundwork/ liberty POV although I didn’t enjoy hand walking him anywhere there was anything to eat as he ALWAYS had to ask the question and it hurt when he tried to pull to food) and had he not fallen to pieces in spectacular fashion I probably would have either shared or loaned him eventually or sold him to someone who’d been vetted to within an inch of their life. (Although I think the reasons why I didn’t really fully click with him in the saddle likely stemmed from the things going on in his body as they were related to it never feeling like I had much petrol in the tank / much power available compared to what there should have been, him just never feeling as balanced as he should be / lots of random little “wrong” feelings)

Current pony may or may not be a joke being played on me by the universe. I really like him as a person and personality wise he’s (I hope) a good fit but I really do need him to grow a bit / also go out a bit (was slightly more optimistic of this when I bought him at the end of Summer but now the paranoia has set in!). If he doesn’t I think I’m going to have to lose at least a stone to feel happy sitting on him. (I could probably stand to lose some of this anyway tbf but without the horse related motivation probably wouldn’t bother)
 
She’s a great horse and I’m sure she’d be snatched up. She’s Clydesdale x cob and has a lovely brain, she’s calm, but still fun. I very much enjoy schooling her. I’ve just had horses previously where we’ve “clicked”. I know how that feels, and I don’t have that with her. Previous horse was my heart horse, so she had big shoes to fill. If I’m honest I bought her thinking she was what I needed, but was never what I really wanted (I couldn’t afford the 16.2 with a bit of substance that everyone wants). My other half loves riding her too, which makes it slightly more complex. She can really step it up for me, or down for him. Essentially, I know what we have with her. She isn’t perfect, but shes a sort hard to find. I can’t sell our old boy. Due to his age and arthritis he’s here till it’s time for the bridge.

Argh. If only I could afford a groom! 😆 we do have space for 3, we’ve had 3 here before. It’s just a lot of work on a track.

I think maybe get third horse and reassess…I might try a loaner first and selling be the last option. I’ve never sold a horse before. It’d be easier if she was a nob!
 
i’d try to find her a loaner whilst keeping her at home, ideally a full loan to ease the workload, and then look for “the one”.

but i also don’t think there’s any shame in selling her one, you haven’t clicked and that’s okay, but she could be “the one” to someone else!
 
Would your partner be able to ride what you're looking for or are they more suited to the cob? If you could find a sharer then it would mean you could ride out together and you'd have a steady cob to fall back on if the new one takes time to settle.

If you did sell, I'm sure she'd be snapped up, but sounds like keeping her could work too if you had someone to share the workload?
 
Thinking from a different angle (because I'm going to be facing this dilemma for different reasons in the next few years) at the age she is now she has optimum chance of getting a good home with someone who can go out and have fun with her and adore her. If you are going to sell/loan I think now would be a good time. I know its really hard though.
 
Yup, I had a superstar of a pony. Ride and drive. Would go to the gallops and pull up to a walk and let others go off. Jumped, moved nicely, very sweet and affectionate. But it just didnt work. I sold her. I deeply regret it. She had PSSM, and went to a dodgy home despite me selling her cheaply and loaning her first, declaring it and even sending her supplements etc with her. She then went to a better home, got sold on again and rocked up at my friends yard not so long ago, looking rough and without her history declared, somehwere along the way her passport went AWOL. I couldnt afford to get her back and I feel awful about it. I should never have sold her.

But if yours has no health issues then I dont think you will have the same issues. I refused to sell her for a long time, and should have just stuck to that. Intially I just felt relief when I sold her and my next horse was perfect, even though on paper he was a silly choice.
 
I’m totally with you OP regarding: ‘should my cob find someone she gels with more than me’. Mine is just completely underwhelmed by fuss, not at all affectionate or possessive or anything like that. She feels safe with me and enjoys being ridden (she’ll ask to go out) but I do kind of wonder if keeping her long term is depriving her of that closer horse:human relationship that the others enjoy.

My current plan is to put in the schooling to get somewhere with her competitively (dressage) this coming spring/summer then see where we are at that point. I wouldn’t sell her without first finding a replacement though - which is what others have said on this thread.

Much like you, I do enjoy riding mine - she is solid, reliable and safe while also being forward going and fun.
 
I would sell. Life is too short.

I’m in a similar position having bought one I haven’t bonded with at all. I probably could have said very quickly that he wouldn’t be for me, not that he’s done anything wrong. He’ll be going up for sale in spring.
 
If it's just the workload that's a concern I would get a part-loaner for her and get a third. It might give you some perspective if nothing else. It's hard to move on from a 'heart horse' and you might get a third and also struggle to click, or you might get a third and realise she just wasn't the one for you, or you might see your mare doing well with someone else and realise how wonderful she is. I had one I didn't really click with for about 3 years - I bought him unseen as a 3yo and he was a darling but I got going with him and he just wasn't the horse for me. I put him up for sale but everyone who showed a serious interest in him I realised I couldn't bear to let him go, so I kept him. And I think it was the push I needed to really invest in him emotionally and he tuned out to be my horse of a lifetime. One the other hand, you might get a part-loaner who adores her and ends up wanting to have her on full-loan or buy her and you can feel happy in letting her go to the best home.

I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer. Previous horse I didn't click with for a long time but in the end he was the best horse I ever owned. Current horse I fell head over heels for the day I went to view him and is wholly unsuitable really, but through all our struggles I have never doubted him being the horse I wanted and needed and keeping him. But I don't regret either decision, they were just both very different journeys.
 
KikiDee said:
If it's just the workload that's a concern I would get a part-loaner for her and get a third. It might give you some perspective if nothing else. It's hard to move on from a 'heart horse' and you might get a third and also struggle to click, or you might get a third and realise she just wasn't the one for you, or you might see your mare doing well with someone else and realise how wonderful she is. I had one I didn't really click with for about 3 years - I bought him unseen as a 3yo and he was a darling but I got going with him and he just wasn't the horse for me. I put him up for sale but everyone who showed a serious interest in him I realised I couldn't bear to let him go, so I kept him. And I think it was the push I needed to really invest in him emotionally and he tuned out to be my horse of a lifetime. One the other hand, you might get a part-loaner who adores her and ends up wanting to have her on full-loan or buy her and you can feel happy in letting her go to the best home.

I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer. Previous horse I didn't click with for a long time but in the end he was the best horse I ever owned. Current horse I fell head over heels for the day I went to view him and is wholly unsuitable really, but through all our struggles I have never doubted him being the horse I wanted and needed and keeping him. But I don't regret either decision, they were just both very different journeys.
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This is really helpful. Thank you.
 
Amber is the best horse I've ever owned and in horse terms I do love her and she's going nowhere. But we also haven't clicked, I still have a little pause every time I think bout riding her, and it's been 5 years so I'm don't think it will happen. If she didn't have a few health niggles I might have looked at another home for her, but I know the horse world so she's going nowhere. I have 2 youngsters coming along and I suspect that once I can ride them, I might appreciate Amber all the more.
 
Ooh it’s a tricky one. I have the opposite problem, I have one who I bought and she does feel like she could be ‘the one’. And yet she makes herself very hard to love! She’s ulcer prone (and extremely aggressive when she has them), a liability to herself (already got her legs stuck in a gate and this week jumped out of my hard standing, destroying the fence and nearly herself in the process!🤦🏼‍♀️) and I can feel the other horses rolling their eyes at her high energy. I often wonder if she would be happier elsewhere, but despite all her suicidal and homicidal tendencies I love her. I genuinely feel like she is meant to be my horse. And I haven’t even sat on her yet despite having her for 18 months, due to all her medical issues!
 
I know we like to idolize the idea of 'the one' or 'the horse of a lifetime', but do they really have to be? Is it not setting ourselves up for disappointment get stuck on the idea?
She's a good size, good age, if she's not a constantly sick note/vet bill and she's doing everything you're asking of her, then is it sensible to sell on the slim chance the next one is 'the one', when it could just as well be a lot worse.

Perhaps try loaning first, and see how you feel about it and what's around on the market.
 
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