Advice/suggestions needed, daughter and horse

Dizzykizzy

Dizzykizzy

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I think I am having a knee jerk reaction but I am really really fed up with the situation.
We have a fabulous mare, we have owned her for 6 and a bit of her 10 years and brought her from a baby to a good little competition horse who is almost always placed in jumping XC and SJ up to 110cm.
Just over 2 years ago my daughter decided she couldn't be bothered with the work involved anymore, she had a boyfriend, car and part time job so we found a loan home through a friend. They had her for 20 months and did very well with her but my daughter grieved and pined and missed her, she said she realised what she had lost and begged me to have her back.
This caused a lot of upset with the loaners but she came back in May this year and they have enjoyed a successful summer together and mostly daughter has kept up with chores and helping with all 4 of our horses (3 unridden) albeit a bit unwillingly at times. I pay for everything including competiton fees etc.
As the weather has turned the reluctance has begun again, today she bombed round for 20 minutes on the horse, brought her back steaming and was just going to shove her back in the field. I told her she had to cool her off first so she tied her up with a wicking rug on and went to poo pick (which I had done this morning). She half made the feeds, rugged up her mare and turned her out and disappeared. When I asked who was feeding she said I was. I am livid, she is so selfish and inconsiderate of both me and my hubby (not her Dad) and the animals. She did stomp down and feed them, dropped the sheeps nuts into troughs which had half an inch of water in them and flounced back in.

I am at a loss, knee jerk says it is time to let the horse go. I can't cope with 4, I am not willing to loan her again and I can't bear the upset. My hubby is very placid and won't say anything to her even though I asked him to tell her to go. She said she was going anyway so I don't know when she'll turn up...next time she wants something I suppose.

Thanks for reading through and please someone offer me some pearls of wisdom. I am so upset and feel used and abused. I wanted to keep this horse for ever but I just can't keep her a field ornament.
Daughter is nearly 19 BTW and planning to go to Uni next September anyway.
 
Take a deep breath, have a large cup of hot choccy, and, unless you're going to ride the mare or find a jockey for her, sell her
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. Daughter needs to learn the hard lessons in life, although it sounds like she won't miss the horse. Maybe, and this depends on so many variables, sell her for a nominal amount to the person who loaned her
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Hugs hun.
 
Thanks Mrs M, don't be nice to me, I'll cry!
The people who loaned her hate me for taking her back, I am not in touch with them and after the way they behaved there is no way I would let them have her for a nominal fee!
 
I have 5 children and know how stroppy and disinterested they can be if they have other things on the go! Maybe its time for your lovely mare to go to another home, what about contacting the 1st loaners, see if they would like to have her back!
Good luck
x
 
I would tell her straight how you feel (maybe write her a lettter as I think you can explain feelings better that way and kids read better than they listen) Explain that because of this she has 2 weeks so sort out not just how much work she does but the attitude that goes with it or you will sell the mare asap

Have a huge hug there is nothing worse than problems with kids!!! Its true what they say, 'when they are small they break you arms, when they grow they break your heart'
 
Sell the mare, I'd kill to be in the situation your daughter is in, and IMHO if she can't see what she's got she doesn't deserve it.

I waited 12 years to have my own, and was bought a horse at 18 and have paid every penny towards its keep since and done every chore that needed doing, happily.

Your mare sounds lovely and I'm sure you'll find her a great home
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[ QUOTE ]
Thanks Mrs M, don't be nice to me, I'll cry!
The people who loaned her hate me for taking her back, I am not in touch with them and after the way they behaved there is no way I would let them have her for a nominal fee!

[/ QUOTE ]

So cry, let it out hun
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...well, how about for a large fee
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But seriously, your daughter is about to set off into a world where you won't be there to pick up after every issue. She has to learn. We're a couple of years behind you, and already I plan and plot (and dread!) for when the time will come.
 
^^^^^ ditto, no offence but your daughter sounds like a spoilt little brat who needs a smack. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but as someone that had to work from the age of 13 in order to pay for riding lessons, and then was only allowed a horse when I could afford to pay for it myself (late nights at work and early mornings down the yard!)-don't get me wrong I wouldn't change any of it-it's taught me responsibility and how to manage my money-I think if she can't be arsed to do a few chores than she doesn't deserve to own the horse.
 
I am crying now...

You are all so right.

Vallin, like you I couldn't have my own horse until I could pay for it and look after it solo. I spent so many hours slogging at the local riding school for not even a free ride but I learnt so much and loved every minute.
My daughter IS a spoilt brat, I didn't mean to spoil her but I wanted her to have the things I couldn't. She has had a pony since she was 5 and never knew what it was to want one.

Soulful, we have had ultimatums so many times, she behaves for a while then it slips again. It wouldn't hurt so much if she wasn't so disrespectful of the animals but I can't bear them to be treated badly because she is too lazy to do it right.

I wish I could find her a rider, I would be prepared to still keep paying costs if I could find someone reliable to help but I fear it is nearly impossible. Perhaps I will try an ad in Rideaway.
 
I am in a similar situation, although not quite, and I would say wait a bit and don't do anything hasty.

Whose are the 3 unridden? They are taking up 3/4 of your time and energy, so could you sell/loan any of them? You probably wouldn't mind doing your daughter's horse quite so much if you only had two to do, and she probably wouldn't mind helping so much if there were only 2. She probably feels that as you're already doing 3, another one can't make much difference, surely? (in that selfish logical way teenagers have!).

I have had a huge amount of fun doing horse stuff with my daughter over the years, but if I am honest I don't think she really has ever been passionate about the whole horse thing like I am. I was only discussing with a horsey friend today, how it seems that kids of non horsey parents have to work so much harder to get and keep a horse, while kids with horsey parents have it handed to them virtually, and so really don't appreciate it.

You could sell the horse and stand there and say I told you so - but would that make either of you really happy? Why not wait until next week when you have calmed down, and maybe print this thread off, and sit her down with a cup of tea and talk to her woman to woman, not mother to daughter. Say you can't do it, and what would she suggest you both do?

Just my opinion, but I am way too soft and have been chastised on here before for doing too much for my daughter. But after all, they do choose your nursing home
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Its tricky as my nippers are little so i don't have the experience. She's old enough for the responsibility. Maybe she dosn't want it? I would try talking to her and go by the responce you get. If not sell her to someone that will love and care for her and has the time for her. I would ask your daughtere what she plans to do with her horse when at uni? If you don't want the responsilbility i would tell her straight. Good Luck, I will look forward to my children hitting teenage years Great!
 
Also just to say, as for the people who loaned her, if you haven't paid for something then it isn't yours.

If they had free loan of a super mare for 18 months, then how lucky were they? How dare they give you a hard time over having her back, and don't even consider letting them have the mare or feel guilty - it's your mare after all. Jumps a 1.10 you say? I'll have her please!
 
I have been in similar position. My daughter loved her pony and i had no trouble at all with her helping out and riding. However she moved onto horses and within months she had lost interest (she was 16). I was very upset but all aggravation wasn;t worth it. i decided to keep him for myself and 4 years on i still have him. She has ridden him about 3 times year!! I felt so much better once j had come to terms with the fact she was no longer interesed. Good luck with whatever you decide to do
 
Llewellyns idea seems good.
My parents sold my pony when I lost interest and it did teach me a rather radical lesson!
 
Thanks again, it all helps!

The 3 unridden are mine, my old retired arab mare who isn't going anywhere. Her 2 and a half year old son who also won't be going anywhere until I feel he is ready and someone will buy him to keep. Other is 18 month old filly from a mare we rescued, she is maybe the most saleable but not in the middle of winter and probably not until she is at least 3. I made the commitment to the babies that I will do my best for their futures and I will try to stand by this as long as I can.

I wish we did only have 2 or at a push 3, 4 is just too many. My hubby is fab, he goes out first thing and last thing to do their haylage (all out at the moment fingers crossed) and daughter and I mange poo picking/feeding the rest of the weekdays. We all muck in weekends depending on what else is happening.

I was badly hurt by the loaners at the time, I know they were disappointed and hoped they would have her for life but as you say, we didn't sell then as I thought we may have her back one day.
My original plan was to have a foal from her when daughter goes to Uni but no way am I going to bring more horses into our world. My back is shot with arthritis, I can't ride anymore anyway and it is going to be a struggle.

She really is a talented mare and will jump 110 courses though we haven't been doing much recently.

This is a photo of her loaner jumping her 4'9!

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Don't be too hard on yourself
I've just recently went through similiar in that 18 yr old daughter started working and didn't see why she had to pay own entry fees and contribute towards horses.She was the proverbial spoilt brat when it came to horses -nothing else mind you.Did wait a bit but she was adamant not paying for anything so her loan competition horse went back and I have her other one.TBH notmy usual type and too good for me but love her so keeping her.oh we are by no means rich/well off so her dad and I did sacrifice a lot so she could compete.
Daughter is sad but resigned now.And funnily enough we appear to get on so much better.
Give yourself a hug.
 
imo you should sell her, offer her to the loaners who had her 1st. i was never allowed a horse when i was wee i bought my 1st one myself when i was 17 when i started working at equestrian centre, quickly realised i could not afford her and had no time for her so found her a great home, i just bought my boy last yr now that i have a proper job. when i was 19 theres no way i would have acted like that towards my parents i had a job looking after 30 horses on a daily basis and realised what was needed to keep them happy and healthy i think its made me appreciate having my own horse now a whole lot more. its really not fair on you. chin up x
 
I feel for you, I really do. If she's going to Uni next summer anyway then what are your choices? I have a feeling you're looking at a fraught, long dark winter and will then come out the other side only to face a slightly stressful summer preparing to sell etc.

It would be one thing if she wasn't that interested in riding or competing any more, but the horse was being really well looked after... but this is the other way around.

It's hard when teenagers are beligerent and you feel like you can't have a grown up conversation because things end in a spat. And I can remember being the beligerent teenager and feeling the same difficulty, but being too stubborn to do anything about it while ever the relationship was even slightly tense. So I think you've got to be the bigger person here and to take the heat out of the situation. I think that means waiting til you feel calm, then gently and calmly telling her that you need HER to make this decision - that it's OK for her to feel weird that she's moving on in life and that sometimes moving on means leaving things behind for a while, but that both of you need to do what's best and she needs to make a choice now - either to give the horse everything it needs through the winter, or if she wants to start thinking of the next stage in her life - uni, chaps, etc - and to let the horse go now, then that's absolutely fine too.. but you need her to make a decision and to stick to it because both of you have a crap time when you're fighting. I know it sounds a bit soft, but you've just got to keep in mind what you really want out of this which is a resolution and for the stressful situation to be resolved. This way, she can't argue with you because you're giving her the choice and making it clear that it's up to her, but you have clear expectations if she chooses to keep the horse. PLus you're not giving her a chance to get uppity.

It sounds cheesey, but you know you won't solve it through arguing, and she's not mature enough to see that so you have to see it for her. You sound absolutely lovely - wanting her to have the things you had to work hard for, and wanting the best for your horses - so don't be so hard on yourself.
 
She is stunning, superb jump - I am changing my mind, you should definitely sell her - to me!

The reason I say I am in a similar situation is that I have for various reasons kept all my daughter's outgrown ponies so I have them plus our two horses. I get very cross and upset some days, in fact today was one. Daughter has a cold and is feeling v v sorry for herself, has barely stirred out of the house and I have done most of it.

But then again she didn't ask to keep the old ponies, we used to have friends that rode and helped. This winter it is just us, but every time I get cross, I do tend to think I have made a rod for my own back!

Also I bet, like me, you have a routine and my daughter has very little say in what goes on. I am always telling her do this, do that, get them in, feed this much, and in a way she has switched off and rarely thinks for herself. There is no easy option when you are the horsier one, but I bet if our daughters were on a yard with friends, they would be more responsible and do it because they would have to.

Go and have a look at your photo album and remember the good times you have with daughter and horse too - that always helps me calm down.
 
I forgot to say on my earlier post - the end result I think you might get if you have that conversation is that she'll see there's also a long dark winter followed by having to sell before going to uni, and she may well agree that it's best to sell now.

(On the other hand, if you do wait til next summer when I'll be looking for one, let me know! she looks lovely!) x
 
Thanks all, (edited cos I found more posts!)
I would dearly love to keep her but she is too good to be a pet and I can't ride her. I will look into finding someone to ride her in return for help but last time I did that the sharer ruined my horse!
Icedyumyum, I wish my daughter had your attitude but she doesn't and I don't think ever will now.
As I have said in previous posts, there is no way I will offer her back to the loaners.
 
She looks lovely. Have you thought of loan with view to buy then you can check whether the home is working for her? I would let people know whereabouts in the country you are as word spreads quickly on here if you were to look for a rider!
 
Excuse me philamena - I got in there first!

It is a pity the loaners behaved so stupidly - they have lost out the most as you would have probably offered them first choice. A loan is just that.

dizzykizzy - have you decided against kneejerk reaction yet?! I bet she does appreciate it all really, but boyfriends do tend to cloud their judgement
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My daughter is 16, and my plan was to buy her a fab horse, have a couple of years of fun before she goes to uni, then take over the horse myself. As long as I don't strangle said child before 18, that is the promise I have made myself. Keeps me sane during the long winter months
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We live in N Yorks (near Rideaway LOL)
My knees are still jerking but I haven't made any decisions. I am going to show her this thread though she has run off to Daddy's now and I don't know when I'll see her.
The BF has been on the scene nearly 3 years now and she made the decision to have her horse back whilst he was in the picture
If anyone is seriously interested let me know and we can discuss options.
 
I agree with philamena about getting her to reach her own descision because if you just sell her horse and then she realises that she really did want it then she will resent you. There is no reason for you to sell any of the others if push comes to shove then sell hers and not back to the loaner! She sounds amazing though, I definatley want her!!
 
TBH although I can see why you are upset, I think you have to consider what the difference would be if your daughter's horse wasn't in the picture. Who would be looking after the other 3 horses? Who would feed the sheep? Really there is far more work involved in looking after the rest of your animals than in caring for this one horse. When your daughter goes to uni all the others will still need caring for, jobs such as poo-picking will still have to be done. Perhaps you need to really think about whether you should be keeping any of them, if you find the work too much.
My guess is that you are very tired and in some pain from your arthritis which makes you less tolerant of her teenage tantrums. Incidentally if you really want her to leave, I think it is your job to tell her so, not your husband's. perhaps a few days with her Dad will give her time to think about things from your perspective.
 
its a difficult situation but I would say sell her as well, especailly as your d is off to uni anyway soon. Agree with what many have said already - sometimes the mothers passion for horses makes us keep hoping that daughters will be just as passionate but sometimes when it is handed on a plate to them they take it all for granted - I got it with my 5yr old daughter !!! She has grown up with the horses out the back door and her own pony and whilst I never really expected her to do all the chores she never really had the passion that I had even at that tender age. After one particularly horrible day when she showed no respect for horse, me, time nor money spent on 'her' pony I told her that we were selling her and didnt back down. I dont think she was actually that bothered at the time but she now talks about horses much more, loves going for riding lessons, tries harder and generally seems keener. All in all it toaught her a valuable lesson about deserving what she had and not taking things for granted and that she has to work at somethings - its not just taken as a given. At 19 I am sure your daughter will actually be able to see the sense in the situation
 
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