advice/tricks needed... how to fake confidence? (long...)

Bowen4Horses

Bowen4Horses

Well-Known Member
Joined
23 March 2009
Messages
4,970
Location
South Lincs/North Cambs
www.poppywebber.co.uk
so... i'm feeling a bit plop.

very quick background:

Rode A LOT as a child/teen. very brave. it was my life.
Aged 18 had a kid, stopped horses totally until 28 when i bought a 'project' (i know, madness) who proceeded to try to kill me. turned into a rearer who'd fall back on me (i probably rode her 10 times in all). broke ribs. but worse than that, she broke my confidence. this broke my heart, so i tried to carry on with the riding..
-i thought maybe i'd have some lessons. i had one, and hated it. with hindsight the instructor was sh!te.
-rode my friend's young, ex racer for her a few times. really loved it, and refound my love of riding, but was always very nervous. this didn't matter until the time she tried to bolt/ditch me into the river. i jumped off. and swore i'd never ride again. my heart was very sad.

-then, one day my OH decided we'd have one last crack at it. and he sold his car (that was his pride and joy) to buy me a safe horse. this coincided (badly) with the fact i fell pregnant. but i decided to do it anyway... spent a few months looking for a safe horse (took friend with me to do the riding...) and couldn't find anything that i wasn't petrified of. my fear had also spread to handling horses.
-after a long search, i found raff. i think i was hormonal at the time of buying him. but he was the only horse i was happy getting on (whilst pregnant) after i had seen my friend riding him.
-instantly i fell in love with him.
-bought him. got him home. rode him a few times, each time my confidence grew very very slightly. he NEVER put a foot wrong. i rode until 7 months pregnant. i absolutely loved him, and my husband said (when we'd had him for about 2 weeks) that even if i never rode him again, he'd be worth every penny because already i'd refound my spark. my OH said (he's NOT a sentimental person) that we'd give raff a home forever because of the difference in me, even if he went lame the next day. that's how brilliant he was.

now... fast forward to now. i stopped riding raff in about june because i was too fat. i made my whole family move to a different county in September (including changing schools etc) so that i could have Raff at home. My husband has built stables for me (no previous knowledge/experience) and has worked his butt off nonstop since we moved here. i've left all my friends behind (although am meeting new lovely people). i have spent ALL our money on having the horses at home. i have spent all my savings on a little lorry.... etc etc.

a few weeks ago, i got on raff, at a friends, after lunging him. he was fine. despite me being nervous. however, then all the crap weather happened.

i booked myself on horsecamp in august as a way to push me into doing something.

i got on raff today. we went for a walk down the road. my friend walked on foot with me.

and i'm ashamed to say, i was petrified. raff was (understandably) full of beans. and i was convinced he was going to bolt. i tried my hardest to relax and not shake. but i was so scared. i don't actually know what i was scared of... him bolting? bucking?
i think i'm scared of him knocking my confidence. because if he does, and he's not 100% safe, then i know he's my last chance.

i'm in floods of tears writing this. i'm such a twit.

so... i need help. how do i get confidence? how do i fake it? are there any tricks?
i have been recommended something called TFT... does that work?
or there is a equestrian centre quite close that runs confidence courses (more expense...
frown.gif
)
http://www.ashenec.co.uk/58123/index.html

i know i need to get on and just ride. but i get soooo worked up before hand. at what point do i just give up? and accept riding is no longer for me?
frown.gif


(p.s. i had a lesson on a riding school horse last week, and i loved it... so i think i can enjoy myself...)

sorry for the huge moan... it's been quite cathartic writing it all down
smile.gif
 
which camp are you booked on?
confidence is a difficult thing...i suffer badly (albeit its different for me- its competition nerves) but i looking into seeing a hypnotherapost about it...i think some sort of therapy is needed here- i wonder if you are so worried about the money you have ploughed into your horse that this is being reflected in your fear of riding soemhow? if you enjoyed the riding lesson then maybe go back for more...get your confidence there before getting back on your guy?
smile.gif
 
aw bless ya. i cant really offer any advice, but i know where ur coming from. i've never been a confident rider, having had a bad start on the wrong type of horses as a kid. and now i'm a parent and as i get older, i am more cautious.
i actually avoid going to certain places now, where my pony bolted last yr. i stick to where i know he will be under control. i hope that one day i can take him back to that place, but i'm in now rush to try atm.

maybe u cud find a rider for raff for now and go back to the school u had a lesson at on the same horse? or take raff there for lessons?

i wish u all the luck in the world with regaining ur confidence. i'm sure u'll get there, horses are obviously in ur heart. xx
 
[ QUOTE ]
which camp are you booked on?
confidence is a difficult thing...i suffer badly (albeit its different for me- its competition nerves) but i looking into seeing a hypnotherapost about it...i think some sort of therapy is needed here- i wonder if you are so worried about the money you have ploughed into your horse that this is being reflected in your fear of riding soemhow? if you enjoyed the riding lesson then maybe go back for more...get your confidence there before getting back on your guy?
smile.gif


[/ QUOTE ]

i'm going to the Active Rider camp in Milton Keynes.

i am going to keep having lessons at riding school, as i'm not nervous then... even though i don't know the horse... it's so random. why am i scared of riding my own, safe horse... but not a random one?
confused.gif


i don't think hypnotherapy would work for me... my background is psychology and i'm too 'scientific' in my reasoning i think... if that makes sense...
crazy.gif
 
What a lovely man you've got! I would suggest not trying to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but to try and slowly extend it so that you gain confidence without scaring yourself silly. So, lets look again at what you did -

[ QUOTE ]
a few weeks ago, i got on raff, at a friends, after lunging him. he was fine. despite me being nervous. however, then all the crap weather happened.

i booked myself on horsecamp in august as a way to push me into doing something.

i got on raff today. we went for a walk down the road. my friend walked on foot with me.

and i'm ashamed to say, i was petrified. raff was (understandably) full of beans. and i was convinced he was going to bolt. i tried my hardest to relax and not shake. but i was so scared. i don't actually know what i was scared of... him bolting? bucking?

[/ QUOTE ]

Try rephrasing what happened into positive, instead of negative, language - my interpretation would be: you got on your safe horse who looks after you, you went for a nice short hack with your friend who is supporting you get back in the saddle for company, Raff had a lovely time thinking "where to Mummy!" and then you went home again and had a nice time brushing him off, telling him what a good boy he was and putting him to bed. How would you rewrite what happened?

Would you have felt better if you hadn't actually gone for the ride just yet? Would just getting on him and getting off again be enough for you just now? I would focus on feeling that you stay in control if you can, work with what you are happy doing and repeat as often as you can, several times a day if you can, until you are utterly bored with it and actually want to move on. Then just stretch your limits a little bit further, if that means walking round your yard then that is fine! And repeat again until you are bored.

I have found NLP helps me, and it might help you too if you want to look into it. Even if you don't, look up "anchoring" which is a technique where you "bank" every good experience that happens and actively remember it so that you can bring back those good feelings when you are having a wobble.
 
I have had serious confidence issues recently - so know exactly how you feel - nowone could understand me or could possible know how I felt. I used to take my horse anywhere and everywhere and I trusted him completely. Moved yard last year and had for some reason lost it completely. I was terrifed to go out on my own - I jumped at things before he did and was constantly looking for a problems - my OH even started coming out with me to give me some moral support - I would just freeze - and my horse started to act stupid - trying to spin and run back in the opposite direction and it gradally got worse. OH even kept saying it was my fault and not my horse and that even though I thought he was going to do something he never actually did - OH was right . Christmas was the final straw - went on a ride and felt so useless and scared I just wanted to get off and go home and when I got back I broke down in tears. I was ready to give up. So I made a new Years resolution that 2010 was gonna be different, I had serious words with myself and told myself it was my fault and just get on and go for it - well I am sure the positive thinking works - so far so good - touch wood no problems so far - horse still feels very nappy occasionally but am sure it was all in my mind - until the next time something happens. Am really trying to be confident and just get on with things. I even took him to somewhere I have never been on my own before last weekend - I took it easy and got there slowly then cantered all round the permissive bridleways - I felt ecstatic when I got back to the yard. The best high ever.

I know how hard it is but keep going - keep calm when tacking up and think about enjoying it like you used to - thats what I have done and I feel so much better - instead of dreading riding I am now looking to every weekend so I can get out - only takes a couple of good days to start to turn things round.

So on be positive - smile when you get to the yard instead of dreading things and go and get your mojo back - if I can I am sure you can. xx
 
ditto bethie, i suffer nerves alot recently with my new horse and in turn have made him feel nervous which worsens the situation even more.
i read an article recently which suggests before your irde/handle etc, put a postive spin on it and envisage what you want to happen. so for me, before i get on, i imagine a lovely quiet hack, with lovely weather, birds sininging etc etc. not ' oh my god, i;ll get on and he mite spook, then i'll tense, then he'll jog etc etc. another good thing is some exercise before you get on. i sometimes give a punch bag a good going over for 5 mins, then get on. kinda releases all that nervous energy!!!
 
You are not alone!! I bought my pony Poppy three weeks ago and she is an absolute star! But the first time I rode her I vowed to send her back - I was shaking, feeling sick absolutely terrified. I've been having lessons for over 12 months at a riding school and felt totally secure in my "lesson bubble". On reflection realised I thought I knew it all, I just want to hack and see how we progress, but once away from the security of the riding school everything has crumbled. Over the past two weeks since my wobble I have just enjoyed looking after Poppy and getting to know her, grooming daily, just talking to her, but whilst I want to get back on, I can't yet. I have contacted my instructor and suspect I shall just have to go back to the beginning again. I am lucky to have the support of my family who think I couldn't find a better pony to start on, but need the security of someone who knows just to say, yes you are doing it right. "Chumsmum" has been brilliant offering superb words of wisdom. You are not on your own so don't beat yourself up.
 
[ QUOTE ]
What a lovely man you've got! I would suggest not trying to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but to try and slowly extend it so that you gain confidence without scaring yourself silly. So, lets look again at what you did -

[ QUOTE ]
a few weeks ago, i got on raff, at a friends, after lunging him. he was fine. despite me being nervous. however, then all the crap weather happened.

i booked myself on horsecamp in august as a way to push me into doing something.

i got on raff today. we went for a walk down the road. my friend walked on foot with me.

and i'm ashamed to say, i was petrified. raff was (understandably) full of beans. and i was convinced he was going to bolt. i tried my hardest to relax and not shake. but i was so scared. i don't actually know what i was scared of... him bolting? bucking?

[/ QUOTE ]

Try rephrasing what happened into positive, instead of negative, language - my interpretation would be: you got on your safe horse who looks after you, you went for a nice short hack with your friend who is supporting you get back in the saddle for company, Raff had a lovely time thinking "where to Mummy!" and then you went home again and had a nice time brushing him off, telling him what a good boy he was and putting him to bed. How would you rewrite what happened?

Would you have felt better if you hadn't actually gone for the ride just yet? Would just getting on him and getting off again be enough for you just now? I would focus on feeling that you stay in control if you can, work with what you are happy doing and repeat as often as you can, several times a day if you can, until you are utterly bored with it and actually want to move on. Then just stretch your limits a little bit further, if that means walking round your yard then that is fine! And repeat again until you are bored.

I have found NLP helps me, and it might help you too if you want to look into it. Even if you don't, look up "anchoring" which is a technique where you "bank" every good experience that happens and actively remember it so that you can bring back those good feelings when you are having a wobble.

[/ QUOTE ]

you're right. i've got an amazing husband (who is now covered in my snot...) who would do anything for me. and i've got such lovely new friends (one who lets me use her school/saddle etc and one who walks along next to me, and doesn't laugh when i crap myself)... and i've got a lovely lovely horse. who is a brilliant combination of beautiful/shiny and safe.

*slaps herself*

i need to be more positive. hilariously/ironically i am trained in NLP stuff. and can coach anyone else, other than myself.
i can motivate the most unmotivationable... i can give confidence to a quivering wreck... i just can't get over my own (unjustified) fear. x
 

Yes Clipclop!! You definitely shouldn't be beating yourself up!!

You have done loads of positive stuff this week, and horsecamp is months away, we've got ages to learn to kick ass again, and as much as it is probably a smaller victory than tuesday, you did tack raff up, and have little wander up the road without any problems at all!

I think Raff would have written exactly the same as Bethie has above about having a nice little hack up the road!! Like you said last time your confidence grew gradually, and I am sure it will start to come back again as long as you just take it steadily, and don't rush!!

You've done more riding this week than you have done in months, and after another couple of weeks of the same, I'm sure you'll feel 100% better!!!
 
Ohhh how I can relate to this my horse is fab and I looked at loads before I bought him after nearly being killed by my previous horse, I've had my boy 3 years and I can say is thank goodness my OH rides him
 
My confidence seems to change quicker than the weather. When didyou last fall off. You are now riding in a new environment. You have lost the security of your old hacking routes. The snow and a fresh horse doesnt help. None of this means"you have lost your nerve". All it means is that your confidence bank account is heavily overdrawn. lessons can be a great confidence builder. When he is fresh,get someone else to ride him. Dont dwell on falls or scares. Ride with friends. Your confidence will come back,but give it time. ....As for why are you not scared by a random horse on a lesson. You have outsmarted your scientific self. The answer is obvious. Your not realy scared of what might happen,but of failing with your own horse. Random horses dont matter, yours does. I can ride other horses far more confidently than my own.
 
[ QUOTE ]
Your not realy scared of what might happen,but of failing with your own horse. Random horses dont matter, yours does.

[/ QUOTE ]

bang-nail-head

this is it i think. i don't want to let my husband down. i don't want to let raff down. and i don't want to fail.
frown.gif


but, with a positive spin.. i DO want to enjoy it, and i know i've got the best support system possible to give me the best chance at succeeding...
smile.gif
 
You should gain a certain amount of courage from knowing that we ALL get nervous about various bits and bobs to do with riding ALL the time!! (hence so many replies already, you see?!) Next time you're on top just remember to breathe and smile (or laugh out loud/sing a nursery rhyme)- it will help you relax (honest) and then you will realise it is okay and begin to genuinely relax too
grin.gif
 
Now your thinking.Immagine your training someone else. Think about realistic goals and objectives and a plan to bring this about. And like all good plans ,make it flexible. Write it down, draw a chart. I am here,by the middle of spring I want to be there. Personaly,I am a great one for lists,once I have written my "things to do "list,I find it takes all the worry away.
 
This might not be your kind of thing but someone I knew having confidence with jumping found her very helpful. May be a bit close to what you know already (NLP) but she does TFT too.

http://www.equestrianconfidence.com/

Sorry to hear you're so down about it all, confidence is a funny thing but I think it can come back, just may take a wee while and small steps
 
Rescue Remedy really helps me...... I am a nervous rider, fairly novice and have a green fizzy TB, but I find this helps me (or it might be mental thing that I THINK is working), my mum finds listening her an ipod in one ear good, and I sometimes forget everyone else is around and sing... keeps my mind occupied and make me BREATH which I forget sometimes :-s . Just remember that you CAN DO IT! x
 
Clipcloppop I really feel for you. BUT one thing I take from your posts - you beat yourself up a bit, you must not do that!

What always chuffs me off, is the people who have no fear and do allsorts being called brave - they're not. It's those of us who get so scared we have an almost out of body experience in the run up to something we perceive as huge (can even be, going on a hack, or just getting on!) because the terror is just too much to bear.

But you keep doing it, you keep getting on. That is BRAVE!

I'm not the bravest. Mine scared the bejesus out of me countless times when I first had him. He still can. With loads of lessons with a terrific instructor, I have learned to "fake" confidence - i.e. I can be going along with my heart in my mouth, but my body will not let it show, and I keep riding.

You are very brave - coming on here and making this post is hugely brave. Look around you, I bet you know a hundred riders who are talking the talk, but not walking the walk. Fear is everywhere around horses, and rightly so. They're dangerous creatures, end of. But it's how you mitigate the risks and handle those fears that count.

You ARE brave. Start believing it and giving yourself a break. Have you got something else going on in your life that could be coming out in your riding? I know this can happen to me.

Best of luck chick, we've all been there, and some of us still are on a far too regular basis!!! xxx
 
[ QUOTE ]
Clipcloppop I really feel for you. BUT one thing I take from your posts - you beat yourself up a bit, you must not do that!

What always chuffs me off, is the people who have no fear and do allsorts being called brave - they're not. It's those of us who get so scared we have an almost out of body experience in the run up to something we perceive as huge (can even be, going on a hack, or just getting on!) because the terror is just too much to bear.

But you keep doing it, you keep getting on. That is BRAVE!

I'm not the bravest. Mine scared the bejesus out of me countless times when I first had him. He still can. With loads of lessons with a terrific instructor, I have learned to "fake" confidence - i.e. I can be going along with my heart in my mouth, but my body will not let it show, and I keep riding.

You are very brave - coming on here and making this post is hugely brave. Look around you, I bet you know a hundred riders who are talking the talk, but not walking the walk. Fear is everywhere around horses, and rightly so. They're dangerous creatures, end of. But it's how you mitigate the risks and handle those fears that count.

You ARE brave. Start believing it and giving yourself a break. Have you got something else going on in your life that could be coming out in your riding? I know this can happen to me.

Best of luck chick, we've all been there, and some of us still are on a far too regular basis!!! xxx

[/ QUOTE ]

*tears and snot drip off chin*

thank you. xxxx
 
Baby steps!

I have very little confidence but find that by taking very small steps I have come on more than I could ever have imagined.

Your experiences reminded me of the first time I rode Chad, who can be a bit spooky. I set off and he heard a loud bang, someone slamming a door behind a wall that I could see over and he couldn't. Cue Chad doing his rocking horse impression and shooting backwards accross the road. I lost my stirrups but was sat there laughing - I had stayed on! I don't mind riding him out now, I know I can sit him spinning, shooting sideways/backwards and being a bit of an arse.

However, hacking out alone is another matter, and I have yet to canter on him as my biggest fear is him taking off. Next weekend I aim to go out by myself instead of making OH walk with me. I will just do a short circuit and take it from there.

As someone else said, put a positive spin on your rides - you went out, Raff was a bit fresh but you were fine. He was full of the joys of spring, it was a lovely day, you had a great time! So what if your friend was walking with you?

Keep thinking positive thoughts, and let me know how you get on - we wimps should stick together!!!

x
 
Hi!
I agree with MrsElle, Baby steps take you a long way... even if so slowly.

You seem to really love your horse and have a very supportive husband so why put so much pressure on you? If you only groom your horse and graze him in hand one day, sit on him for 2 minutes the other and finish the week by just riding to the gate and back, but you felt happy and calm, so what?

I know it is easier said than done. I am always considering what others at the yard are going to think if I just ride in walk, or if I still cannot ride my horse in an outline or do not hack out on my own even though my horse is a star... But you seem to have your horse at home and friends ready to come and walk with you, so just do it one step at a time and enjoy... I do not have any horsey friends and my husband doesn't understand why I am so nervous, so really use all the help you have.

I think the horsecamp is going to be great for your confidence and the bond with your horse.
Good luck and yes, keep in touch as it is so helpful to know you are not alone!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top