AIBAAK (an absolute knob)

[Mongoose11]

Bear with me. I'll try to keep it short and you were all so helpful in making me see that I should try for the IVF treatment sooner rather than later when I asked earlier in the year.

Cob is my heart horse and baby is due in 3 weeks. Sharers aren't great and only show up 50% of the time - these were people invited to take on the share after I had seen about 8 others who weren't suitable as they were really quite wobbly and still in the riding school.

Anyway, I could loan her out and I have a couple of great options presenting themselves. This would mean that there will be less of a battle between my head/heart/time/finances over the next year or more.

Loaning her would mean that she becomes someone's priority and that I wouldn't constantly feel like I wasn't spending enough time with her. It was also mean that I didn't have to worry about 4am texts from sharers telling me that they wouldn't make it up that morning.

Or I could keep her, she could be ridden a couple of times a week (when they turn up) and I could go to see her whenever possible to fuss, scratch, finish off jobs and tell her I love her.

Here's the stupid bit. I had an animal communicator come out to me and among other things she told me that the cob was incredibly bonded with me and that she never wanted to go anywhere else; now I feel bad for considering loaning her! I know, I know. Feel free to completely disregard this information!

What I'm thinking is, if she does go on loan it would mean that I could potentially go down to four days a week at work for six months. It would also mean that I could focus on the baby (she's likely to be the only one I get, but then so is the horse - is it bad that I've even typed that as it sounds ridiculous now I've said it.)

So, would loaning be best for both of us? In my head I can really picture her going to one of the homes that is a wonderful option but she would be nearly two hours away. Am I being selfish in keeping her when I know for a fact I will struggle to give her my time once my short maternity is over and I go back to work? Am I being selfish thinking about how the money would pay for double glazing? Will she even give two hoots if I barely see her or not?

Am I being an absolute knob?

 

[Red-1]

I think that the baby will be your focus in 3 weeks, and it sounds like you would be happier if the horse were on loan.

Why not make it a 6 month loan, so the loaner gets some summer too, but you have the option to re-think then?

The only thing I would say is to make sure you can have her back, at short notice if necessary.

It sounds like you trust the loan home.

 

[ester]

No brainer if there is the possibility of a good loan option on the table.

 

[meleeka]

Agree with 6 month loan, providing you trust the home. It'll go very quickly and you can then decide what to do.

 

[Mongoose11]

I should say that I wouldn't risk losing my spot at my yard for a six month loan as financially it just wouldn't be worth the hassle of then having to put her somewhere else after six months. I'd be looking to loan her for at least a year or potentially more - I would offer a trial period and continue to pay for my stable during it though.

I understand that I would have to take her back if necessary though and of course I would.

My head says it's the right thing to do but then I'll go up there tonight, trade carrots for kisses and tell myself I couldn't bear to do it!

 

[abbijay]

Totally agree - sharers sound pants but if either of these loan homes are as good as you think then it would be a perfect medium term solution. Get a good contract with an appropriate break clause in it.
And I am sure your animal communicator was well meaning but I am at best cynical of these people who are very busy telling you what they think you want to hear about your animal.

 

[Clodagh]

Horses do not communicate in ways that we can put words to, so please ignore that nutter that no doubt cost you good money to have a fntasy moment.

There...moving on... I think when your baby hormones kick in you will not want to worry about the horse, you will want to be with your baby. I had both but only with a lot of stress and a fairly obliging m-in-law. If you could spend more time with your baby if you weren't paying out for a horse, that is a life long investment.

 

[madlady]

I would agree with loaning but would you be able to get grass livery or a place at a retirement livery type place where you could basically turn her away for a year - or shorter if you want to get back to riding earlier.

That way you are still in control, you haven't got the worry of the loan going wrong and you can still go see her for your horse time if you can find somewhere nearby.

 

[Mongoose11]

Certainly wish I'd never had the woman 'talk' to her as it's backfiring now

I will have a very obliging mother in law but I do think that the hour and a bit each day that I currently have to see the horse, after long hours at work, will soon be the short time that I spend with a baby before she goes to bed and the whole routine begins again.

Why is it so hard? I guess the issue is that I am faced with a potential loan home that is perfect and so I really need to make a decision.

 

[Mongoose11]

I would agree with loaning but would you be able to get grass livery or a place at a retirement livery type place where you could basically turn her away for a year - or shorter if you want to get back to riding earlier.

That way you are still in control, you haven't got the worry of the loan going wrong and you can still go see her for your horse time if you can find somewhere nearby.

I have looked in to this and found a wonderful option just ten miles away. Sadly, it just wouldn't suit her as there is way too much grass, no possibility to restrict and I would seriously worry about her weight/lami with no work.

 

[Clodagh]

My sister-in-law was given a AC visit for her birthday, apparently her horse was one sided as he had been hit in the side during the Charge of the Light Brigade in a former life.
He also didn't like wearing a double bridle, she didn't even own one.

Can I gently bully you? Put the horse out on loan, babies are exhausting and precious.

 

[Nativelover]

I've just had my ivf baby in November. I made the decision not to loan my perfect (to me he is and I worked so hard to buy him) pony as loaning is so precarious. So I found grass livery whereby I wouldn't have the responsibility of going once or even twice a day but I can go whenever I can to give him a pat and see he is fine.
I'm incredibly glad that I did this as the pressure was off me and I could/can concentrate on my baby. I know you've only got 3 weeks left but if you can arrange something like this whilst you have your baby and decide how much time you can afford your horse, you may well feel better about things. Don't forget you'll be full to the brim with hormones and will be for a while yet !
Congratulations and enjoy every minute with your baby.

 

[stencilface]

Sounds like logistically, and financially it would be easier to put your horse on loan. Babies are enough stress (also lovely!) as it is so anything to reduce that is good. How long are you having off for mat leave?

One thing I will say is babies are easy in some respects in the first year as are relatively low demand and they don't move! So it can be nice to Potter at the stables without worrying about them getting kicked or falling in the trough.

Winter babies are hard enough as it is imho without having a horse to do on top. I would loan with a review at 6 months and maybe 2 years? 2 hours away means you could treat yourself to a visit every few months and have some horse time, best saved for summer imho!

 

[pippixox]

I am writing this as my 4 month old baby boy breast feeds! I have 4 horses and could not bare to part with any of them (plus 2 are very green barely backed, 1 is very much a 1 person horse and plays up with anyone else and 1 is my old boy who is semi-retired) but I have managed to keep them out nearly all of the winter so far- I go up twice a day with my baby but if we have had a bad night I can literally drive feeds to the field and chuck them in! I have a trailer to drive hay to the field as well!

Don't get me wrong, babies are precious and cost money, but I need my horses. I barely get time to ride with baby and winter- but my mare had 7 months off and then when I got on her acted like she was ridden yesterday! Once a week is my aim and a bit of work with the green ponies. I would go insane without a reason to leave the house every day. I even muck out other people's horses with baby with me and that covers my horses costs.

Although you do need to be careful about grass- I often find when living out they are much better at regulating and use energy walking around. My herd were slimmer this summer staying out the last summer when I was riding them and bringing them in!

 

[sky1000]

Even if you take the animal communicator into account you could bear in mind that the horse might love the loan home - hasn't tried it yet. You could even explain why and that you would immediately take back if necessary! In case that helps your predicament.

 

[stencilface]

Yes, needing a reason to leave the house twice a day definitely helps your sanity, and fresh air is great for babies.

 

[be positive]

My sister-in-law was given a AC visit for her birthday, apparently her horse was one sided as he had been hit in the side during the Charge of the Light Brigade in a former life.
He also didn't like wearing a double bridle, she didn't even own one.

Can I gently bully you? Put the horse out on loan, babies are exhausting and precious.

I think the AC has made you doubt what is a sensible option, it is not healthy for a horse to be bonded with a human, however appealing it seems, it will do her good to move and become more independent which will be far better for her if for some reason you did have to part with her.

This is going to be a busy time, you need your energy for the baby not worrying about the horse and the finances involved with keeping her could be put to better use from the sound of things.
One of my liveries is expecting, 2 months or so to go, she has kept her pony here but has a loaner who has taken on some of the costs and nearly 100% of the care, it was the perfect scenario as he didn't move yards but moving was being considered before this loaner turned up.

 

[Leo Walker]

Loan her. If she has to come back at short notice there will be somewhere suitable honestly, I promise. I found 3 yards to view that I didn't even know existed in the space of a couple of hours last week.

The other option is to loan her to stay at the yard. Its a nice yard so it wouldnt be a hardship for a loaner. It cuts down your pool of potentials, but I bet you could find someone.

 

[FfionWinnie]

Really wouldn't worry about it too much this week. It will be an easy decision when the baby is here, promise.

 

[Mongoose11]

Loan her. If she has to come back at short notice there will be somewhere suitable honestly, I promise. I found 3 yards to view that I didn't even know existed in the space of a couple of hours last week.

The other option is to loan her to stay at the yard. Its a nice yard so it wouldnt be a hardship for a loaner. It cuts down your pool of potentials, but I bet you could find someone.

Honestly, I feel like I have exhausted the pool!

 

[Mongoose11]

You are all really helping - especially the idea that she may well love it. The good thing is that I could really imagine her being very happy with this particular person.

 

[EventingMum]

You are all really helping - especially the idea that she may well love it. The good thing is that I could really imagine her being very happy with this particular person.

Particularly in view of your last comment I really would try loaning her. You say you only have a short maternity leave so I would want every second to count with my baby. You won't gain that time back again. I was lucky my dad and OH helped out with my horse when I had my son and he was on full livery, weeks later we had our own yard and had staff that did the majority of the yard work so I had no necessity to get to the yard too early or do evening stables. I also made the conscious decision to give up competing seriously, I had seen babies being almost brought up in the back of a lorry and it wasn't what I wanted to do, although I did still want to ride and do a little. It's obviously your choice but once the hormones kick in don't be surprised if the loan option looks very appealing, you'll still own your horse and can look forward to having her back in the future plus new windows will last for years and make life more comfortable as well as presumably reducing heating costs!

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

Having had my 1st child and ponies scattered all over the place, I reached a point where something had to give. Unfortunately it was me!!! You'll have enough on your plate as a first time mum. If you have a good loanee in mind and think your mare would be happy then I'd go for it. Enjoy the precious moments with baby as they grow so fast you don't want to miss out. Good luck with everything.

 

[Sukistokes2]

I am the last person who should comment, I have no children and have never wanted any. However, if I were in your shoes,with a IVF baby on the way, that would no doubt be my only baby, then for a short period my horse would take a back seat. Still loved of course. You have two options I think, either out on a retirement type livery , fingers crossed over lami fears, or an Appropriate loan home. Yes two hours away but still drivable. I have a pony on loan, the first home was a horror and I got him back, should have gone with my gut instinct. Second home is working out, so fingers crossed. I went to see him and the little girl was riding in the paddock , with her friends, bareback. He was enjoying himself. I miss him so much but I can not afford to keep him at home, not with a blinking Clydesdale to feed. Also I was not happy riding him and so as much as I love him and miss him, I had to put him first. He is better off where he is. Taking your feelings out of the equation and that of the AC, where do you think, for the next year, will be the best place for your mare? Go from there. Good luck with your baby.

 

[splashgirl45]

i have never had children but feel that you need to concentrate on your baby(and partner) at this wonderful time...your baby will be the most important thing in your life and you will need to give him/her your full attention. there are good loaners out there so just make sure you have a contract and have seen id for the person if you dont already know them, and go to see where your horse will be kept... i have recently taken a horse on loan who is 18 and was home bred and had never been anywhere else, i have an annual contract but the loan is permanent as long as all parties are happy.... the owner was very worried about letting her go ...... she only took a couple of weeks to settle and now 2 months on everything is great. im happy, horse seems happy and owner is happy...so win, win all round..

 

[AmyMay]

None of my friends have given up/loaned their horses due to pregnancy and subsequent kids - they've never felt the need. If your yard offers assistance use it for the first week or so, and then as and when it's needed.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

Given I know what your job is and being the person who rarely has time to see my horse properly despite not having kids, I'm saying loan.

I don't think the baby being IVF is part of the equation. I think babies being exhausting and (sorry) more important than horses, loan. Stop feeling guilty, do a loan, put in place a really good contract covering every issue you can think of and do it soon. The baby could arrive at any time.

 

[Clodagh]

None of my friends have given up/loaned their horses due to pregnancy and subsequent kids - they've never felt the need. If your yard offers assistance use it for the first week or so, and then as and when it's needed.

It is ok if you have unlimited finances, but babies are for life. Horses are happy anywhere they are well treated.

 

[AmyMay]

I'm not sure finances came on to it, they simply carried on as normal with child in tow.

 

[ester]

If there wasn't what you considered an excellent option on the table I would suggest a bit more caution, having someone you think you can trust, who will enjoy your mare and a situation you think your mare will thrive in makes it a very attractive option IMO.
I've had friends do both and both been happy .

I thought Clodagh meant that kids cost money, therefore automatically you are likely to have less knocking around not that they were paying for more livery?