AIBU Shetland Companion

[smolmaus]

My mum has a friend that she messages me about occasionally. I will outline the info I got in vaguely the order I received it and then you can tell me if I'm being unreasonable in not being go between this friend and the rescue I have a relationship with.

* Daisy the shetland was purchased for his 6yo granddaughter as a pet in 2021. No other ponies on site. Impulse purchase as far as I can tell.
* I get a message from mum "X is asking about laminitis" a few months later. I explain the basics, ask is Daisy over weight. "X says Daisy is pure muscle, not fat at all" and for a shetland out on a grass field alone with zero work beyond being petted I find this unlikely. Provide Bluecross info on lami and explain in great detail what a risk this is.
*X comes to a rescue open day a few months ago and I am told specifically not to lecture him on company for Daisy. I say hello and hope he picks up something from the demonstrations.
* Today I'm passed on a message "X says Daisy is lonely, but they don't want to buy another. Would the rescue you work for have any ponies for foster"
* I ask if X would be capable of handling a pony that may or may not be child safe, particularly if they are not good for farrier/ vet and "Daisy got her feet done today, done every 3-4 months and is good"
*My alarm bells dismissed, X is taking his farriers advice. Daisy is now strip grazed. Rescue would be fortunate to have "a good home" and X wouldn't be long "telling rescue where to go" if they raised concerns.

At this point I say there are a lot of red flags. My mum knows f all about horses, beyond having a daughter who knows a little, so she doesn't know any better. I am not sure who X is getting advice from that they need to message HER for advice through me but its very worrying. Mum says her friend is an animal lover and "His grand daughter is with Daisy every day - she's in a field beside the house and is spoilt rotten" She is taking so much offense for her friend that I doubt any of my very basic advice is making it to him.

Am I being a sanctimonious brat or is this a ridiculous situation to put my own reputation on the line for? I wouldn’t approve a home like this as is knowing what I know, and I don't want to put him in contact directly with any rescue with my name attached. I do homechecks for horses and it's taken a long time for me to be trusted to do so. If I had direct contact with X it might be different.

Anyone who says "not my circus not my monkeys" gets a point worth nothing because they are correct but i will put a post on any of their future threads with a random hamster fact.

 

[cauda equina]

YANB a sanctinomious brat
It sounds like a situuation which could go wrong so easily

 

[planete]

My mum has a friend that she messages me about occasionally. I will outline the info I got in vaguely the order I received it and then you can tell me if I'm being unreasonable in not being go between this friend and the rescue I have a relationship with.

"Rescue would be fortunate to have "a good home" and X wouldn't be long "telling rescue where to go" if they raised concerns." !!!!

Sea of red flags waving!

Can you find a way to tell your mother any rehoming needs to be done following the chosen rescue's official channels but cannot involve you in any way because of her friendship with the applicant which could give rise to suspicions of favouritism on your part? Honestly I would find a way of running a mile from the whole thing.

 

[SEL]

Sounds like poor Daisy needs to be at the rescue ? I'd steer well clear

I like planete's idea of saying you can't pull strings for people you know so they need to use the proper channels.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

Not unreasonable, steer well clear saying all applicants have to fo through official channels and home checks to foster. But to avoid any tension you could just provide the info he needs to apply. Which he could get on his own anyway but is a friendly gesture.

But I'd also have an informal private word with the rescue as people are incredibly pushy and assuming he knows your name, he may not hesitate in name dropping you anyway if he applies. You could say 'just to let you know a friend of my mother's may apply. I don't know the person and am not in a position to recommend him so just treat his application like any others'.

I run camps and occasionally do one for friends/family/friends of friends at cost. Invitation only. Someone once contacted the page (which is run by me) asking for a place saying they knew me and I had said to get in touch!

 

[meleeka]

Steer clear. Just say there isn’t anything suitable and the rescues usually only take it ponies with issues anyway, which would be a lot of work, with little gain.

Point him to Dragon Driving. He might pick up a little lost soul for not much money and give it a better home than it had before.

 

[Bikerchickone]

As everyone else has said, steer clear. Tell the rescue you don’t know the person but they may name drop you and that the application shouldn’t be given any special treatment because you only know of them through your mum. That’s not a situation you want to get involved with.

 

[smolmaus]

"Rescue would be fortunate to have "a good home" and X wouldn't be long "telling rescue where to go" if they raised concerns." !!!!

I know. This bit here made me so furious even typing it out again. Rescue ponies do not deserve second best or just any home at all. Especially the ones I know at this rescue, they've been through enough.

Sounds like poor Daisy needs to be at the rescue ? I'd steer well clear

I like planete's idea of saying you can't pull strings for people you know so they need to use the proper channels.

Thats what I am feeling slightly sanctimonious about, that poor wee pony is obviously a Saint to be so good under those circumstances. I have tried to give advice diplomatically for her benefit so it has a chance of actually making it to him but I'm not hugely hopeful that it will!

You're all very right, a quiet word that the home is DEFINITELY not coming pre-approved from me is a good idea. Personal references can be so helpful in these situations, the good and the less good, but I have no doubt at all that the person who runs this rescue could spot the same red flags a mile off.

 

[Fransurrey]

I think you're right to have alarm bells. I was in almost the exact situation about 20 years ago and it did not end well. The 'adopted' pony was taken back without notice and the original shetland was found dead with suspected tetanus. Again a family who knew nothing but thought they knew everything. In my case I was blamed for the adopted pony going back (they'd made a spot check based on earlier concerns that I'd raised about both ponies being shut into a stable without water on the hottest night of the year - fyi I didn't give a reference, I'd just told them about the rescue place as I was loosely involved and the rescue screwed up an adoption, sending pony to these guys!!). Family turned nasty, including targeting my own horses (stealing my things and overturning water trough) and threatening me. I moved to a livery yard the same day, they were so nasty. It was only through the field owner I found out about the shetland (he was a vet and was the one suspecting tetanus having been called by another field neighbour). In your case I would give your rescue a heads up and tell X through your mum that you cannot act as reference for personal contacts. Would strongly advise you not to pass on your phone number too and instruct your mum not to, if you haven't already.

 

[Highmileagecob]

Is there any way you can step back from the situation, and maybe put them in touch with a local riding school?

 

[SusieT]

So these are really tricky and I entirely understand your frustration. Family members want to help friends. Friends often want help but don't want the real truth.
So - My way of managing it:
Send them links - bombard them with information without hand writing it all
e.g.- oh thats a shame, I know a really good link ref laminitis - send laminitis site - and xx vet is v good if they are worried
If keep asking - if you have a look here 'laminitis site link' it should help them out. sorry they are worried about xx.

or ref charity : Don't give personal recommendation - simply go
' The rehoming officer is xx or number is xx - all rehoming has to go through there so they can home check etc so best to contact them'

Then you dont have to do any work, and the idea of actually contacting an organisation is likely to put them off and its on the charity to home check

 

[Glitter's fun]

My mum has a friend that she messages me about occasionally.......
I am not sure who X is getting advice from that they need to message HER for advice through me

Are you sure that x is the one driving this? I just ask because my mum got very bored in her retirement & used to "take on people who needed help" rather like getting interested in a soap opera for something to do and to have something to talk to me about . The people concerned mostly hadn't asked for help.

I'd also have an informal private word with the rescue as people are incredibly pushy and assuming he knows your name, he may not hesitate in name dropping you anyway if he applies. You could say 'just to let you know a friend of my mother's may apply. I don't know the person and am not in a position to recommend him so just treat his application like any others'.

This is very wise advice.

 

[ArklePig]

I came to write exactly what Amber wrote, but she's put it better than I would have!

Poor wee Daisy.

 

[smolmaus]

Are you sure that x is the one driving this? I just ask because my mum got very bored in her retirement & used to "take on people who needed help" rather like getting interested in a soap opera for something to do and to have something to talk to me about . The people concerned mostly hadn't asked for help.

Entirely possible.

Haven't heard from her since Monday so either she's huffing with me now or you're right and this was just something for her to be arguing about briefly and shes gotten bored.

I've discussed it briefly (had a bit of a bitching session) to a friend who volunteers at this rescue so I'll hear something if he does get in contact but I haven't gone directly to the owner yet. She has enough on her plate without bothering her about someone who she might not hear from at all! The number of people who will say to me "oh I would love to foster or rehome pony/dog/cat/chickens can you help me" then go out and buy something or forget about it completely is too high considering how few people I actually speak to, as an antisocial little gremlin.

 

[Annagain]

I'm going to go against the grain slightly here and suggest that IF X is taking advice and is trying to learn more about how to care for Daisy (and is looking for a companion as a result) then something is getting through to him and he is acting on it rather than just assuming he knows it all. If the rescue does consider him and does a home check they could presumably also advise on Daisy's condition and living conditions (and, depending on those, reject an application). I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.

I agree that you shouldn't get involved beyond giving him / pointing him in the direction of information that he could find publicly. I'd also tell him you can't get involved in his application due to a conflict of interest so he'll have to go through the correct channels. I'd also let the rescue know he might drop your name but you don't really know him.