Aibu to be upset with riding school?

B

Blueysmum

Well-Known Member
Joined
26 August 2023
Messages
102
Visit site
Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable but I’m so upset.

Dd9 suffers with anxiety and autism. She’s not high on the scale but is a worrier.

She has her own pony who she had a bad fall on 18 months ago, sadly pony is now retired due to wobblers.

She absolutely loves riding and horses but since her fall has completely lost her confidence and hasn’t cantered since. The riding school is fully aware and a few times dd has had a cry during her lessons because she’s been anxious, she’s been riding there a year and it’s Happened only a few times

Her sister has her own horse who is kept at the Livery of the riding school so it made sense for dd9 to have lessons there.

She has her favourite ponies who never put a hoof wrong but whenever we request these (which you can do for every lesson) she’s never put on them.

Yesterday she was placed on a 15hh horse who has been retired for 2 years and just came back into work. He was feeling fresh the minute he came out the stable.

She’s in one of the lower group lessons who are not cantering yet and everyone else was on smaller ponies (ones she normally rides).

She was given an helper to walk next to her (which again she’s never needed..) but when asked to Trot the horse cantered. The helper was shouted at to hold the horse and stop him.

Obviously this has caused a huge set back. She was absolutely sobbing and shaking but sat it well and I’m so proud of her. She got off and the horse was put back. We was told by some helpers that he’s been doing it a lot and they think he should definitely not be in the young children’s classes.

I’m so so upset for her. She keeps saying she’s disappointed and sad because I had taken her shopping and she had chosen a whole new riding outfit and was so excited.

Iv never once forced her to ride and she was coming up to try canter on her private lesson on Tuesday but obviously this has knocked her again.

The thing I think that’s upsetting me is the owner and the person who chooses the horse is a friend and we’ve known for multiple years who used to teach dd9 on her own pony from a young age. So she knows what she’s like, I just don’t understand why she would put her on such an unsuitable horse :(
 
I would be livid. That is a sure route to destroying someone's already fragile confidence and maybe comes from a tough love school of thinking?

Matching riders to horses is something that often needs to be done with care and your friend hasn't shown much of that. If that particular horse is known for misbehaving and is used in lessons with riders without the ability to manage it, the RS is opening itself up to risk should any accident happen.

If you want to continue using that RS, can you have a talk with your friend and find out why you cannot have any of the favourite ponies to ride while your daughter rebuilds her confidence? I would also be scouting around for a more supportive RS who recognises that people learn in different ways and on different timescales.
 
Do you get to choose who she rides in the private lessons? If so, I would probably stick to those for now and take the pressure off. I expect she is feeling a bit 'all eyes on me' in the group environment which won't be helping.

What sort of things do they focus on in the private lessons? She may benefit from it not being so much about riding and more just about having fun.

Stand up in your stirrups and stay up, handy pony type bits (in trot is fine, obviously) and just generally mess about.

But yeah, I would be annoyed. Confidence is a fragile thing at the best of times.
 
Maybe directly ask your daughter if she actually wants to ride? And if so, why she wants to ride? She may feel that she’s just expected to ride if she’s never been asked, and she’s seeing her sister always riding. It’s possible that she just likes being around them, perhaps without the riding aspect as much anymore, which is absolutely fine.

That might give you a better idea of where to start, because this, sounds like it’s time for her to go right back to just nice, low-pressure, grooming sessions for a bit, then back to riding when she’s ready.

If she really does want to keep riding, it might be worth sharing a super relaxed LR-just off LR type pony, to help her rebuild her confidence, because then she’ll be consistently riding 1 pony that she can trust (in theory).

I’ve found that RS are not a good place to regain confidence, not in my experience, anyway, if they know the level you’ve ridden at before, they’ll relentlessly try and push you back there, even if you’re nowhere near ready. I’ve found this across multiple schools. Either that, or they refuse to teach anything that could actually help due to insurance/financial constraints (eg. Safety position when falling, fun, handy-pony-type activities, lateral movements).
 
could you find a share on a nice kind pony? I had a pony that would be perfect for this. Super, super kind, sweet natured pony who loved a cuddle which always helps before they get on. She once pulled up on the actual gallops and let everyone else leave as my leg went into a spasm o_O To be fair, a couple of mine have been like this, including one who was bolshy, bold and very forward when ridden by adults but adored kids abd would literallygo saggy and droopy and just shuffle round.Riding school ponies often lose that kindness sadly. But theres lots of ponies in private homes wholove kids and will be kind to them.
 
Yes, I’d be annoyed at that. Find a nice share….ideally one with room for your other ponies and some facilities where you can get in an instructor of your choice (ideal world scenario!)
 
you either have a very frank conversation your friend or you make enquiries elsewhere. I got really hung up on cantering as a kid, it became this big deal (had had a fall). What helped was going somewhere entirely different, a saint of a pony, and the slowest hack canter ever 🤣

Also given the ASD I think it might help your daughter to know who she is riding ahead of time, so expectations/what is going to happen is clear. There is a time where sometimes kids need encouraging off favourite ponies etc but right now isn't her time for that.
 
I would be very annoyed!

I think going to a new school vs staying depends on whether starting over somewhere new would feel like a fresh start without bad experience, or would be scarier because there is more uncertainty/unknown ponies/etc, and your daughter would feel more confident staying with her familiar school and ponies (assuming she can ride the ones she trusts).

If you would really prefer to stay at this school, I think this incident is a good jumping off point for one more conversation before you move. You can approach your friend with "Obviously this was a huge problem. Can we talk about what needs to change to make sure that [daughter] can stay here safely?"

I would cover the following points:

- bare minimum is that daughter is NEVER put on any sort of "enthusiastic" pony - and cover the details of the kind of pony that is going to scare your daughter
- ask for clarification on why your daughter can't request a specific pony/ponies (I'm assuming it's because friend feels she can't play favourites, but it may be something else/something more flexible), and figure out if there is a possible compromise, eg your daughter can't request her two favourites, but can be limited to a specific rota of safe ponies? Knowing it will be a pony she trusts, even if not a favourite, may help.
- would it make sense to change lessons a bit? drop down to a lower level? stick to only private?

If your friend is willing to problem solve about making lessons feel safer for your daughter, I might consider staying. But if she's dismissive or evasive or anything else, I'd probably leave.
 
As a former RS owner I can see this from both sides. Unless it is a large RS with lots of ponies allocating them for group lessons can be difficult. Most clients wanted the easier, saintly ponies and did not want the challenge of the more forward/tricky ponies. That said, a nervous child should not be on a horse or pony that has known problems.

Sadly, at times the stalwart ponies may be unable for a lesson, perhaps they're lame having a break etc and in those circumstances we would think very carefully about how horses were allocated and even more importantly the lesson content - a slower lesson that was still interesting and kept the rider's attention to try an avoid situations where problems may arise. Any helpers with a rider should be well briefed and the rider told why the helper was there eg "Jane is going to walk next to you today as Toby is bigger than you are used to but you are still doing all the work just the same as you do on the smaller ponies". We also had to be very firm that rider's in group lessons could not always ride the favourite ponies, everyone had to take their turn. Some parent's got incredibly difficult over this, they wouldn't pay for a private lesson but would demand a certain pony. I even had one mum bully another child who was allocated the favourite pony into swapping so her child could ride it. When I heard I actually made her child hand me the favourite pony and told them in no uncertain terms that was never to happen again and if they didn't like it they could go elsewhere.

The other thing that we found was very difficult was each school term children's other activities times would change and parents expected us to adjust our scheduled lessons to accommodate this so the participants in groups would alter and this would bring new issues with the allocation of ponies.

OP in your situation I would try and chat with the owner and if need be stick to private lessons if that makes it easier to have your daughter ride a smaller, less forward pony. Also make sure that, if the instructor/coach isn't the owner they are aware of your daughter's anxiety, a good coach should be able help her gain confidence.
 
I work with ND young people; so I understand that anything "unpredictable" can cause a huge trauma and be a considerable setback. This really doesn't sound like it was a very helpful experience at all! - what on earth was the RS thinking of to allow the situation to develop like it did.

However, in mitigation, that said, horses can be unpredictable, we all know this, and scary things like this can happen even with the most ploddy horses.

I would agree with another poster, who suggests that you have a serious heart-to-heart chat with your daughter about what her true feelings are about "riding". Because if she IS going to "ride" - at some point another scary situation like this is bound to arise (horses being horses) and she needs to be aware that sometimes there will be a situation where she is going to experience fear - and that this is unavoidable. Horses are horses! It may be that admittedly yes the RS on this occasion did something that wasn't the best thing they could have done, but certainly there will be a time when daughter may well experience an element of "fear" or anxiety in the future around horses, and so it might be that you both need to talk this through and formulate a plan for when perhaps this does happen.

If daughter IS thoroughly committed to riding, it might well be that, for now, in order for her to regain her confidence and ride ponies/horses that ARE more predictable, that perhaps she rides with RDA, as they will be better placed to support her.

At some point, when she feels ready, it might be that she would then be confident enough for you to perhaps consider getting her another quiet little pony to ride (perhaps a loan?) in order for her to fully regain her confidence.

Also - and I throw this into the pot - it may be that another equestrian interest such as Driving might interest her?? With this, she wouldn't actually be sitting on the horse, it would take that pressure off her, and there is the potential for her to get thoroughly hooked on it and derive a lot of enjoyment from it. Also it is something you could perhaps do together?

It is a pity this has happened, but if she is really determined to ride and to overcome the fear-factor that is inevitably involved with getting on a horse's back, there is no reason why she shouldn't.

Meantime, she has her own (retired) pony; let her groom him, be around him, and just cosset him for a bit to get her confidence back.
 
I think realistically, the only way of guaranteeing she rides the pony she wants is to share/loan/whatever your own.
RS made some very odd choices there, but they really can’t guarantee certain horses for certain people.

Saying that, I wouldn’t want to keep giving them my money.
 
Have you had a conversation with the RS?
If not then I think that would be a good starting point. Perhaps don't do that in front of dd.
If they can agree that dd is allowed to ride one of her favorites for say 6 months, then I'd continue there.
I'd be telling dd that she was on a big horse because they knew she could cope and praising the heck out of her.

Tbh, if this school are unable to teach her to canter and rebuild her confidence in 18 months I would probably try somewhere else to give a fresh start.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top