AITA? - teenage daughter, weight and riding

[Frans]

My 16 year old daughter has been steadily gaining weight since last year to the point where I think she is risking getting too heavy for her 14hh Connemara It’s a delicate issue, particularly as one of her sisters has struggled with anorexia. I think she’s fine to ride normally but they would typically have been jumping 1m regularly with plans to go higher this summer and I don’t think that’s fair on the pony if she is over a certain weight so earlier this year I talked about this with her and set a weight limit for jumping. Unfortunately she is above this and now, of course, all her dreams for the summer are over before they have begun. She has not said a word of complaint but I’m feeling bad. Out of interest would you have done the same or different? If same, what weight limit would you have set? Pony is a sturdy Connemara (390kg on a weight tape when fit), saddle and kit is 9kg, she is a balanced, experienced rider and is fine height-wise on him.

 

[sportsmansB]

By the 15% rule she should be c. 50kg max allowing for the tack on top, with probably a few additional kg allowance for the fact that she is experienced, balanced and he has a sturdy build.
I am not convinced that any % is 100% right but since they can't talk its the best we can do for now.

 

[Gloi]

If the pony feels the rider is too heavy then jumping performance will suffer and maybe you should start looking for a bigger pony for her. If the pony is still performing well you can take more time looking for her new one.

 

[Lucky Snowball]

When you say gaining weight - do you mean growing taller or getting fat? I would have done exactly what you did and the limit must be rigid. You're helping her health in the long run.
To be out jumping 1m then maybe 15% of the pony's ideal weight when weighed carrying the saddle.

 

[Barton Bounty]

I would always try to follow the 20% rule personally. Although everyone is different. What about saying to her ,as she is now 16 , she could try a horse now? You sure dont want to insinuate anything. There is far too much eds and image distortion out there as it is!

 

[Thedarksideofthemoon]

Following as my daughter is 5ft8 and 13 stone. Although she is balanced too. She currently rides a 15.2 cob. I worry she will get too heavy, but she’s not fat. She had solid legs from riding

 

[smolmaus]

I would always try to follow the 20% rule personally. Although everyone is different. What about saying to her ,as she is now 16 , she could try a horse now? You sure dont want to insinuate anything. There is far too much eds and image distortion out there as it is!

My thoughts exactly. Easier by far in the long run to find a larger horse for her than to risk ruining your daughters mental health with body image problems or disordered eating. She is already at increased risk if her sister had also struggled.

She is not too big, pony is too small.

 

[Sprogladite01]

If it helps, my connie is 14.1 and I am 9.5 stone (I'm over my usual weight at the moment - normally I'm hovering around 9 stone). I checked with my vet about weight as my boy has been struggling with lameness issues for coming up to a year now and I didn't want to contribute to his problems but vet confirmed I was ok to ride, including his tack. It may be worth asking your vet for their input as you will then have an outside and impartial view, which perhaps won't feel so personal to your daughter.

 

[Goldenstar]

Following as my daughter is 5ft8 and 13 stone. Although she is balanced too. She currently rides a 15.2 cob. I worry she will get too heavy, but she’s not fat. She had solid legs from riding

You need to find the cobs weight in kilos ( healthy working weight not obese ) if the pony is 410 kilos or above it’s fine .
That’s calculating 20% so the tacks on top.

 

[Goldenstar]

OP a I agree with BB ,the pony has become too small that’s the way to position it .

 

[poiuytrewq]

It’s a difficult subject op. I had the same when my daughter was a bit younger and still rode.
She’s stopped now and piled weight on. It makes me really sad but she’s an adult and I can’t control what she does.
A bit of me wishes I wasn’t as sensitive or kind when she was younger now.
She occasionally mentions riding my horse and I say no. I did let her a few times at first hoping she might get back into riding and have a reason to loose weight but she made no effort to loose any so now I just say she’s too heavy for him.

 

[Barton Bounty]

All kids grow up and get bigger, i remember hating it when I became too big for my first pony, i was devastated but she will move on to a bigger pony/horse and that might be her forever one. And most of the time its not about being too heavy, bone density has a lot to do with it! My friend is a skinny minny i call her, size 12 lovely figure and she is nearly 12 stone, does not look it one bit.
Im fatter than her ?

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

She’s stopped now and piled weight on. It makes me really sad but she’s an adult and I can’t control what she does.
A bit of me wishes I wasn’t as sensitive or kind when she was younger now.

I'm not sure if you realise this, but people can leave perfectly happy and successful lives being fatter than ideal. As long as they are healthy and not sitting on the back of an animal, there's nothing to be 'really sad' about.

 

[Littlebear]

My 16 year old daughter has been steadily gaining weight since last year to the point where I think she is risking getting too heavy for her 14hh Connemara It’s a delicate issue, particularly as one of her sisters has struggled with anorexia. I think she’s fine to ride normally but they would typically have been jumping 1m regularly with plans to go higher this summer and I don’t think that’s fair on the pony if she is over a certain weight so earlier this year I talked about this with her and set a weight limit for jumping. Unfortunately she is above this and now, of course, all her dreams for the summer are over before they have begun. She has not said a word of complaint but I’m feeling bad. Out of interest would you have done the same or different? If same, what weight limit would you have set? Pony is a sturdy Connemara (390kg on a weight tape when fit), saddle and kit is 9kg, she is a balanced, experienced rider and is fine height-wise on him.

If she has outgrown the pony can a more suitable one be bought/loaned whatever for her? When i was young that was the natural progression of things, at 16 we all outgrew our 14'2s and moved up in heights.

A 14hh connie is a small adult or childs pony, if she is growing into a woman and larger than is suitable seems a little unfair she is missing out on riding if she just needs a slightly bigger one to carry on with?

 

[SEL]

I'd be thinking around 9 stone for a sturdy pony like you describe. A friend had the same issue when her daughter got into mid teens - she wasn't fat just went from scrawny kid to adult shaped woman overnight. They just told her she was outgrowing him fast and went searching for a loan horse.

If your daughter isn't particularly fat then making it all about weight can be damaging. I'm one of those slim people who has always weighed more than you'd guess. We got weighed throughout school and it was commented on Every Single Year. I spent all my teenage years and most of my 20s thinking I must be fat but I look back at photos and I was tiny.

 

[Goldenstar]

I'd be thinking around 9 stone for a sturdy pony like you describe. A friend had the same issue when her daughter got into mid teens - she wasn't fat just went from scrawny kid to adult shaped woman overnight. They just told her she was outgrowing him fast and went searching for a loan horse.

If your daughter isn't particularly fat then making it all about weight can be damaging. I'm one of those slim people who has always weighed more than you'd guess. We got weighed throughout school and it was commented on Every Single Year. I spent all my teenage years and most of my 20s thinking I must be fat but I look back at photos and I was tiny.

That sounds familiar I look at photos of my younger days and I can remember being self conscious as the pictures where taken I look at them now and why did I just not enjoy my younger self more .

 

[Thedarksideofthemoon]

Same with my daughter. She went from looking so skinny and us actually being worried to a size 12/14, her boobs are bigger than mine and her waist is tiny but she has Lipoedema so her legs look chunky.

 

[Frans]

Thanks for all the replies, you have helped me feel stronger about my weight limit. Unfortunately she has not been able to ride much this year which is partly why she has gained the weight. I kept the pony fit during the school year in the hope she would be able to enjoy the summer with him but the jumping restriction has obviously taken a lot of the fun out of it. She had already made the swap to horses but when arthritis put an end to the horse’s sporting career we had the option of taking on this pony – right before Covid first struck . She is in her last year at school as a weekly border and in a year will be heading off for uni so not the time to start her on a new horse. She is, anyway, definitely less interested though I’m not entirely sure if its because she is “growing out of it” or because it hurts too much not to have been able to fulfil the dreams she had.

 

[maya2008]

I have known 14hh ponies jump just fine with up to 9.5 stone on them with no long-term bad effects. I wouldn’t put much more on to jump though. I think at 16 she would probably prefer a horse though - the distances in unaff and in BSJA are suited for horses not ponies - could she pick up a summer loan/share? That might help with her weight also.

 

[Red-1]

I would be careful, I was a normal but already skinny teen (5'7 and only 8 1/2 stone) when my 14.2 got a bone spavin and the vet said he could be ridden by someone of 7 1/2 stone because of his condition.

Mum didn't realise what I was doing until I got down to 8st. It was not an eating disorder as such, because to my mind it was simply making myself able to ride my pony, but it wasn't healthy.

I would have made 7 1/2 stone!

 

[Barton Bounty]

Sounds like the time could be right for her to have a little break while at uni anyway, most teenagers lost interest while they pursue a bf or gf ? once she has completed her uni I am
Sure she will have other opportunities. Part share or loan ?

 

[Jenko109]

I think you should be commended for putting the pony first. Many wouldnt.

 

[LadyGascoyne]

Instead of approaching it from a weight perspective, could you handle it from a diet/ health perspective?

I know it must be difficult when she’s a weekly border, but if she’s home for summer then it’s a great opportunity to develop some good eating habits ahead of university.

 

[rara007]

If the pony is healthy and going well with her there’s no reason to go much below the 20% ‘guidance’, so around 11.5 stone plus saddle. Sounds like it’s probably time to start looking for a bigger model but thinking these natives can’t carry more per kg than a warmblood or TB and using tiny weight limits is giving them a disservice.

 

[Hallo2012]

we had this EXACT issue with my eldest step daughter.

Pony was full up 13.2/385KG and rider rapidly moving towards 11 stone clothed(5'2 height), it became obvious he was unhappy as unwilling to go forward (pocket rocket with lighter riders) and slightly moving wide behind leading to uneven wear pattern on hind feet despite being just under the 20%.

i personally work more towards 15% for anything like fast work or jumping.

we are very limited by stable and paddock size, the max we could accommodate would be a 14hh so we went down the route of trying to all eat clean and get fit etc not wording as just her needing to lose weight.

we would have spurts of her walking the dog, eating smaller portions etc and losing a few pounds, then regressing. this was coupled with a waning interest in doing any yard chores to the point of total disinterest-leaving gates open, not doing rugs up etc.

in the end we sold the pony as it became obvious she was only ever going to be able to walk hack and without a real drive to want to ride/look after him, and many other activities after school....perhaps once a week or once a fortnight as she got older (16 now)

BUT we have asked if she wants some lessons at a riding school on a bigger mount over summer-initially very keen but now less so, so we shall see. perhaps you could offer that if unable to get a bigger pony (and i truly appreciate that isn't always easy, we spent months looking for a quality 14hh but i do not have £15k to spend for a not very keen teenager!!!! and we just dont have the grazing or stable size for anything even slightly bigger as the 15hh bracket can be cheaper)

it was a really really tough thing to go through you have my sympathies. fortunately my OH was very much eyes open to the issue so i tried to stay out of it as i am the opposite shape, all knee caps and elbows and it felt like i was singling her out. Obviously as her mum you will have a better in road to that conversation but it is still very tough.

is she actually very overweight for her height? or just tall and muscular?

 

[Orangehorse]

I must have been going on towards 10 stone when I was still riding my 14 hh irish pony. I was fit and active and not overweight, amazingly slim, when I found a photo from when I was 16, but large framed. My next horse was only 15 hh.

 

[Leandy]

Yes I would have to put the pony first. But your poor daughter! You don't say how heavy she actually is? Nor am I sure about your motivation in imposing the weight limit despite her riding ambitions? Is it that she is overweight and you hoped the incentive to continue jumping and competing her pony would result in her losing it or is it that she doesn't have a weight problem but has simply now grown out of her beloved pony? If it is the latter then this is very common of course and happens to most kids - I would be couching the conversation as needing to find her a bigger a horse - and taking steps to do that if she is keen. If you really want her to lose weight and she is really objectively overweight for her height and age, then again, I would be helping her to do that as actively as I could so she can enjoy her pony again, but even then, I would also be considering a different mount for her even if temporarily so she can continue to be active. Reducing her riding and presumably therefore also her activity levels is unlikely to help the weight issue and being told she cannot do what she loves because she is too big for her pony isn't a good message if she may be prone to eating issues. Actively tackling the weight and need for a bigger horse to continue what she loves would be better combined in my mind - for her self esteem.

 

[honetpot]

I have a tall and heavy daughter, and it's tough. She wasn't really ready to come of her pony schoolmaster, so I started restricting what she could do with him, and then spun getting a horse was a positive. I was lucky that she knew she was tall, and there is quite a bit of peer pressure to go on to a horse. I find teenage girls love shopping, and would work on the shopping experience and the positives. We went to look at a TB, just to see, and she loved it, I just hoped it would fail the vet, but he passed a 2 Stage, and she was happy with him and that is all that counted. She had better ponies but she loved him.
My daughter is now older, she eats too much, she knows she eats too much, she knows the health risks, all I have ever said is eat healthy foods, and try not to eat junk. Unfortunately when they get older and out of your control it is harder to restrict the amount of junk food they eat. I have a slim friend who lives on poor quality food and biscuits, but because she is slim to most people that would not been seen as a problem.
My mother made think I was fat most of my teenage years, I was taller than her, and looking at old clothes I have kept from the 80's, I was a modern size UK 8-10. I think women are just a lot bigger, definitely got bigger boobs, than when I was young.