All options on the table - warning: pouring heart out...

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I'm in a really horrible place at the moment and have totally lost both my way and my confidence (sorry if this is long and rambling). I need to know if anyone else has been in the same situation and what you did.

I've had my horse 3 years. Before I bought him, he'd never done flatwork really but had a very promising jumping career (although this had to end because of stress laminitis). He was 9 when I bought him. I do dressage with him - or attempt to...

As things have become progressively more expensive in the last couple of years, I've had to cut down on expenses and unfortunately my weekly riding lessons just had to stop. I had to take a break from lessons completely for a few months - basically through the summer. My trainer and I later agreed that I will go back to monthly lessons. She's fantastic with me and helps me out whenever she is around. Lately though she's been very busy and hasn't seen me ride for weeks.

I thought I was getting on quite well. Apart from the odd 'bad day' my boy seemed to have been making quite good progress and I've entered us for a couple of Novice tests at the weekend.

Anyway, last week, my trainer asked if she could take my lad for a hack as her horse was lame. When I got to the yard later, she told me 'god, he feels absolutely awful. He's gone right back to how he used to go (all long and heavy - like he's got cement in his head)'. She gave me a lesson the next day and suggested some ways that I could lighten him up.

For the next couple of days he went brilliantly and I was so happy. But this weekend he was just horrendous. Heavy, belligerent, crooked - and all this while my instructor was watching. I just burst into tears. It was just the knowledge that I'VE made him WORSE. I was just saying to her 'I've ruined him, I've ruined him'. I was so upset because I thought we'd been doing ok.

She rode him for me straight away and said that the primary cause is that he's been going crooked and swinging his quarters / shoulders out to avoid working properly and I've obviously not had the skill or experience to notice. And now that I'm asking him to straighten up, he's going 'sod ya'.

We've come to an arrangement where she's taking him to 'boot camp' for a couple of weeks and is going to ride him pretty much daily for me, which is great. But I can't afford this in the future.

I'm now in the situation where I have to consider:
Whether I've come to the end of the road in terms of my ability and should just sell him before I wreck him any more;
Move him to a cheaper yard with fewer facilities but keep having weekly lessons (although I have no transport so getting to shows will be difficult and expensive);
SOMEHOW find an extra £60 / month to resume my lessons weekly (although god knows where this will come from). My trainer is also my friend and gives me a very good price for lessons, I won't get cheaper from anyone else;

And I'm in such a bad place at the moment in terms of my confidence that I really don't feel like I should be making ANY decisions right now.

I feel like a complete failure.

And I've got this friggin' dressage competition coming up now and I don't know whether I should scratch or just do it and see how bad the situation really is...

Oh god, help...
 
Sorry to hear your having a rubbish time (I think we have all been there).

I know how you feel about having to stop lessons :( I have just bought my daughter a new pony and I'm unable to afford the lessons I used to have and it's so difficult not having someone to pull you thorugh problems and give you that boost to keep you on track. I am now having them roughly every 5/6 weeks. My instructor just touches on quite a lot then I ring her when I've done it all and I'm ready for a new challenge!

Could you consider a part loaner? This could help financially, and if you can get someone experienced it could help you bring him on?

The way to look at it is that if he's not going well your not going to be enjoying the comps or getting any better so maybe moving to a cheaper livery option could be an idea? There's often people who will give you a lift to places when your back on track.

Good luck x
 
hi,

are you in a position to take on extra work? what is your profession?

if you are unable to bring in extra cash - then i would forget about the competitions for a while, perhaps move to cheaper yard as long as they have a school (if you feel this is necessary).

your confidence has taken a knock, you are feeling a little low right now, but it will pass. xx
 
Sounds to me like to need a confident sharer!!! I know this is not everyone’s idea of fun but might help all around! The right person can help you by watching from the ground when you school and of course extra rides for your boy as well - 2 heads are better than 1 especially when problem sloving ! I’m sure a sharer would probably be happy to pay up to £100 a month (average for my area £20-£30 per week seems to be asked) which would ease your financial burden and as an extra plus you would be able to afford your weekly lessons or even your horse could have a weekly lesson but maybe your sharer and you share e.g 2 lessons each per month then the horses gets all the benefits of extra lessons with you friend/teacher who sounds like she is good for him but again lowers your costs further. I have been in your situation and had the financial strain of horses at expensive yards in the past and you will be amazed (once its gone) how the extra pressure of counting pennies removes the positive from the relationship and can affect things more than you might think – a sharer was the answer for me! I was lucky that I clicked with the second person who came to try my mare she eventually brought her own horse and the good relationship we had formed meant we could hack out together and help each other with our horses and associated work. Im sure someone will shoot me down as it being the last thing you need but people always want horses to ride a nicely schooled chap likes yours for the right combination could be a wonderful opportunity for you all!
 
Also, maybe he just isn't cut out for dressage. Not all horses are good at everything and a lot really don't enjoy schooling work. If you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole it's never going to work, there has to be some aptitude and interest from the horse.

Just because he can't jump any more doesn't mean he's a fit for dressage. He might be one of life's hackers/jumpers/hunters/let's just go for it and exactly where my bum is to the nearest inch doesn't matter a jot types by nature.
 
Right I'm going to say something as tactfully as i can and hope you won't take offence.
Is there any way your trainer is saying these things to make you have more lessons with her?
Is it worth you doing your dressage comps that you've entered and getting the judges view?
If you really feel that your horse is going backwards is it worth maybe also trying another instructor (maybe in addition to your friend) who might be able to help you "feel" when its right so you know when hes slipping back into bad habits etc? I have two people teach me as both teach differently and i find both helpful in different ways.

If the horse is crooked would physio not help him?

I'm sure your friend is lovely but it does sound a little bit like "you're wrecking your horse but here for a miraculous £XXX I'll put him right for you". Which is fine but unless she teaches you how to feel whats right and whats not then you will keep ending up back at the same place.

I'd go do your dressage tests and see what comments you get. They're a good starting point of what to work on.

Good luck xxxxxxxxxx
 
Personally I'd do the competition as you'v already paid to get some constructive feedback.

I'd be very surprised if anyone who's had horses can look back over all their years & not recognise a place ot time where they could have done things better. It's called learning. Have you ruined him for life? Unlikely. Have you deliberately abused him? No. Have you deliberately inflicted pain & suffering on him? No. Please stop being so hyper-critical of yourself & give yourself a break. Okay your friend recognised something you didn't, that's probably because she is more experienced & advanced than yourself, which is why she is the instructor you pay for lessons. Again, don't be so hard on yourself. You have gained some very useful feedback from her which you can try to put into your schooling in the future.

If it is £60 per month for weekly lessons, can't try to afford once a month? Then she could give you points to go away & work on for next month. That would be more affordable & you would have the reassurance of her backup.Please stop beating yourself up for being human. You sound like a caring owner, whom I'm sure your horse is happy to have. That your not perfect, join the rest of us. All we can keep trying to do is our best. Hope you can work it out.
 
Thank you so much everyone - just having options makes the situation seem more manageable.

He actually has done very well in Prelim dressage when we started competing and we were placed every time we went out (which makes me think even more that it is my crap riding that is ruining him). Even the vet who vetted him commented on his lovely paces and attitude and agreed that he would do nicely for dressage. I certainly don't think he hates it. I think he's just very used to going a certain way that it is hard for him to change the habit of a lifetime.

The right sharer would be a god send - although at that level do people not want to be paid for what is essentially schooling someone else's horse for them?

Yes, I'm having a look round at cheaper yards at the moment. This might be the way forward if I can find something that has the basics.

Thank you so much everyone for your encouraging posts :)
 
Well instead of having to find £60 a month for weekly lessons, what about finding £30 a month for fortnightly lessons? Also I would give the competing a miss for a bit as if your confidence is low then judges crit will probably pull you down more.
 
He actually has done very well in Prelim dressage when we started competing and we were placed every time we went out (which makes me think even more that it is my crap riding that is ruining him).

I'm 100% sure this is not the case as you were with him in the beginning too. But maybe you are worrying too much and this is affecting him - it sounds to me like a confidence issue rather than an issue with your riding :)
 
Must confess I thought the same about the friend.

I'm also guessing that you're realistic enough to know that you'll never set the world alight in dressage, not on this horse at any rate. If that's the case, is competing so important to you? Ahy not give both of you a break and either offer him as a ride at your yard with someone who would love to compete and have lessons (but cannot afford a horse), or simply keep up with the monthly lessons and stick to local comps or hacking?

Like Pip says, I think you're being hyper-critical of yourself. I don't know anybody who can afford weekly lessons, these days. Those days are long gone!!
 
Really sorry to hear you are having a bad time.It can be hell when a trainer makes you feel useless.
I know its old hat ,but situations like yours can often turn out to be the start of something wonderful. You have recognised a problem and your passion for your riding and horse is clear in your post, as is your rational look at your options. So don't beat yourself up. Crooked and heavy are not insummountable(SP?) problems and you have the passion to learn and improve.

Perhaps you should also consider replacing a few lessons with a visit from a physio who might suggest some stretches and exercises to help supple your horse.
Also read books and articles on the internet.These might inspire you and give you some ideas to try out.

Good luck.
 
Do you NEED lessons every week or could you do once a fortnight as that would halve the cost.
Secondly get yourself over o money saving expert and read the debt free part of it, I know you are not looking for getting out of debt info but they get people to put their spending up and suggest ways to reduce things and save money to put to their debt, you can read the things they say and then look at your own spending and see if you could easily cut back somewhere to give you lesson money.

When you ride make an effort to check (at first) every 2 minutes that you are straight as the horse will not go straight if you are sitting crooked or dropping a hip. Just try to think every now and again of having your seatbones level, hips level, shoulders relaxed and feel as if your head is lifting your spine to be straight. Then you will find it easier to feel what the horse is doing. Its like giving yourself a lesson every time you ride.
 
I'm just a happy hacker really but always had fortnightly lessons for the last 6 years until last year (Nov) when I had to stop as had lost my job a bit before that and have been on much reduced income so couldn't justify them. Our school is not good either so I'd avoided that anyway and only had lessons in the summer jump paddock on grass last year before they stopped. But like you, I found when schooling this summer on the grass by myself down there how like a board on one rein my pony had become and I couldn't get him to do half the exercises my instructor used to get us to do and I felt like we'd gone back to square one! And felt probably like you did, utterly deflated and sad that all the work and progress we'd made in getting the pony going better had gone to waste. But don't beat yourself up about it, finances and logistics of having lessons and lack of confidence may have an impact but I had my first lesson in 10 months this Saturday and while mainly jumping, just having the instructor there the pony was listening more to me and him and moving better than I thought he would so I was much relieved and saw that we could do it, hopefully even on our own beyond the lesson.

So no - you haven't ruined your horse and you've not come to the end of your ability - you're just having to work round restrictions and parameters in life - I'm now trying to work out how to get a couple of more lessons in before the jump paddock is closed for the winter - I can't do more than one a month if that. My RI always says have an absolute plan before you school of what you are going to do.

Try and remain very positive when you ride him and tackle the swinging and stiffness he throws at you bit by bit with maybe lots of exercises your RI can suggest. If your horse is anything like my pony, he's crafty enough not to do it for me but behaves like a star for the instructor! But my long overdue lesson gave me a real boost this weekend. So I hope you can believe in your riding again - even if your lessons aren't as frequent.
 
Hovis_and_SidsMum said:
Right I'm going to say something as tactfully as i can and hope you won't take offence.
Is there any way your trainer is saying these things to make you have more lessons with her?
Is it worth you doing your dressage comps that you've entered and getting the judges view?
If you really feel that your horse is going backwards is it worth maybe also trying another instructor (maybe in addition to your friend) who might be able to help you "feel" when its right so you know when hes slipping back into bad habits etc? I have two people teach me as both teach differently and i find both helpful in different ways.

If the horse is crooked would physio not help him?

I'm sure your friend is lovely but it does sound a little bit like "you're wrecking your horse but here for a miraculous £XXX I'll put him right for you". Which is fine but unless she teaches you how to feel whats right and whats not then you will keep ending up back at the same place.

I'd go do your dressage tests and see what comments you get. They're a good starting point of what to work on.

Good luck xxxxxxxxxx
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Thank you - I would never take offence - trust me, I have asked myself this before. I think she is very forthright in her opinions and forgets sometimes that she's giving them to a human being! :)
Often she will help me for no money at all although I feel uncomfortable about this.

Yes, I've thought of having a lesson with someone else too - but do you find that this can sometimes confuse you, if both trainers are saying something different?

Pip6 - thank you so much for this. Thank you.

broke_but_happy - good idea, a compromise I could possibly consider

Thank you everyone - I am so grateful for your words of encouragement
 
Hovis_and_SidsMum said:
Right I'm going to say something as tactfully as i can and hope you won't take offence.
Is there any way your trainer is saying these things to make you have more lessons with her?
Is it worth you doing your dressage comps that you've entered and getting the judges view?
If you really feel that your horse is going backwards is it worth maybe also trying another instructor (maybe in addition to your friend) who might be able to help you "feel" when its right so you know when hes slipping back into bad habits etc? I have two people teach me as both teach differently and i find both helpful in different ways.

If the horse is crooked would physio not help him?

I'm sure your friend is lovely but it does sound a little bit like "you're wrecking your horse but here for a miraculous £XXX I'll put him right for you". Which is fine but unless she teaches you how to feel whats right and whats not then you will keep ending up back at the same place.

I'd go do your dressage tests and see what comments you get. They're a good starting point of what to work on.

Good luck xxxxxxxxxx
Click to expand...

I'll just agree with that and let HaSMum take the brunt ;) :o

Honestly, OP, the comments your friend/instructor has made are not terribly professional and not very helpful either :o
 
I am also thinking that your Instructor will have a horse to ride (boot camp?) for another couple of weeks as hers is lame!

Try another instructor? Even video you and him and put it on here! I think she is taking advantage of your lack of confidence tbh "you can't compete unless I am involved" kind of thing.

ETS you could alwayd just PM a video to someone on here that you respect if you didn't want to go public
 
martlin said:
I'll just agree with that and let HaSMum take the brunt ;) :o

Honestly, OP, the comments your friend/instructor has made are not terribly professional and not very helpful either :o
Click to expand...

Ditto this. Please don't send your horse to boot camp until you have tried another trainer.
 
MochaDun - thanks for sharing your experiences. They have put mine in perspective.

I like the idea of a video (although I've seen some other video threads turn quite vitriolic). But a very good idea to PM some of the members.

I'm feeling heaps more positive now - just having the options and reassurance makes such a huge difference :)
 
can you go to fortnightly lessons rather than weekly?
do you have a knowledgable friend on the yard who can help you out rather than paying for lessons?
can you find somewhere cheaper to livery to help reduce costs?
can you make savings on his feed?
can you offer to help on the yard in return for pennies or offset costs?

don't get too stressed about it as it will a) make things seem worse and b) it's always possible to find a way out or round it!

You sound like you've done really well with him so far, so chin up, smile, and think how far you've come.

Have you thought about getting a osteo or chiro out to check that he's not sore anywhere that's making him crooked?
 
I really wouldn't worry too much. I used to have lessons with a dressage trainer but stopped them as I quickly realised that I was NEVER going to be as strict with the pony as she wanted me to be. Yes he probably is 'ruined' in her opinion, but I can still go out and so a decent prelim dressage test, a small course of jumps and if he is feeling confident, hack alone. Suits me.

I think you need to be realistic - it is financially impossible fopr most people to have a lesson every week, and a lot of peoples horses could be improved by someone more experienced riding them. but he is your horse, you were happpy until the trainer hacked him, and you do know how to resolve the issue, maybe with a monthly lesson.

There are worse thing than being a bit crooked! (obv rule out medical problem....)
 
I just wanted to add that if you are paying for someone to school your horse then thats fine and it sound a lot like your friend is doing - i.e. getting on him and getting a really good tune out of him.

However if you're paying for a lesson then the idea is for the trainer to teach YOU how to get the best out of your horse. Both my YO (who teaches me flat work sometimes) and EAM can get on Hovis and get hime to go so beautifully you wouldn't think its the same horse. Sometimes that nice as it shows me HE can do it but he's my horse and I've got to be able to ride him to the best of MY ability. So both people spend all their time teaching me how to feel when I've got it right and when hes taking the mick out of me (which to be fair is most of the time!! :D). i'll never get him to go the way they do but if they spent the whole time saying he was awful and look how differently they can make him go i'd never have the confidence to get on him again!

So even if your instructor is doing all this with the best of intentions I still think either you and her need a conversation about how you need to be shown how to get a tune out of him or maybe think about another instructor for a few lessons and see if their style works better for you?
 
It takes a hell of a lot to "ruin" a horse, so I wouldn't worry about that. What is slightly alarming is that you were very happy with his way of going before the instructor hacked him out. Now, if mine is ridden strongly and held forcefully, the next time I jump on she feels like her head is a lead weight. I want her to carry her own head, I'm not strong enough to carry it for her.
 
I too agree with H&S mum on this one and sort of question your instructors motives really. Telling you he's feeling "awful" is not exactly constructive and IS going to make you feel bad.

What are your long term goals with this horse? Do you ENJOY riding him and enjoy doing what you're doing? If yes then maybe jsut do it YOUR way and, if you feel you need help then have a lesson or tow (maybe with someone different who doesn't know the horse and doesn't know you - get some recoomendations). Honestly, over the years I have had that many lessons off so many different people, too right it can get confusing when they have different ways of doing things BUT I have had two very good instructors who essentially give the same advice and, you know what? That advice and that way of riding works best for me and my horse and I understand what they are saying.

Some people can ride horses brilliantly and can tell you what you are doing wrong BUT they are not always the best at getting this information across to you in a way you feel confident in what you are doing.

I have to say, these days I tend to have lessons sporadically and have done for many years as, at the end of the day I have no aspirations to go to any higher a level than i am now (that and my horse is 20 now and I know him very well). I think you need to think about what you are wanting to do. I would certainly still enter the event and remember, at the end of the day, horse riding at what ever level should be enjoyable and you need the right people around you to support and encourage!
 
A good trainer is there to make you get the best of your horse to the best of your ability and not to make you feel s**t.
There are lots of people for have extreemly talanted horses that will never compete at higher levels because their riders are not so talanted but its a partnership and you just have to have fun together, thats what its about. Forget the dressage , forget the trainer for a while and enjoy what you have. A nice horse who's a bit smart.
I am not saying your trainer is a bad person but she is making money out of your supposed failure. I think a clinic with a experienced trainer with other riders may give you some objectivity and help you to realise that most riders do not get the obsolute best from their horse and this does not make you a bad person or god forebid a bad rider, just human.
 
I think you should re-consider sending your boy to your friend and instead invest in a course of lessons from her or another trainer to help you rectify the problem she identified (which in fairness probably isn't THAT bad. She has probably only noticed it as he isn't her regular ride). I am in a similar position to you in that my instructor is my friend but she does all she can to help me overcome my problems, and work through them myself. Praising me when things are good, and working through the bad. I really feel like I achieve something.

Just a thought re his 'heavy head' symptoms... have his teeth been checked recently? is he happy in the mouth? Back and tack ok? worth getting all these checked before trying to rectify the symptoms... then get someone to show you some exercises.

I would go to your competitions HAVE FUN and try and learn from your shortfalls and do better next time. It isn't all about being placed / Winning!

There is a lot to be said for cheaper yards with not quite so good facilities - as long as it has a field, a stable and a decent enough school, I'm sure you'll get along just fine, so may be worth trying to ease your financial burden by going elsewhere.
 
You guys are all so lovely :)

His teeth are all up to date and his saddle has recently been checked and fits, but I will get that all double-checked too.

Regarding what I want to achieve with him, I just want to know that we are both doing the best that we can, that he is healthy and happy and he's learning from me as much as I am from him. I want him to be a better horse for having been mine and I'm a better rider for having owned him.

As far as competing goes, if I EVENTUALLY make it to Elementary on him, I would be over the moon as I think he would comfortably work up to that level.
 
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