Alternative show report *hoax*

black_horse

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So today was the day, where the dressage world would stand still because delicia and myself were going to be the first british combination to take part in the new and elusive Grand Prix Prelim Kur. Carl Hester was recently heard to have said that he thought the Olympics were daunting, but he would never want to have to ride a test as difficult as the GP Prelim. ;)

First of all I would like to say how inconsiderate of the venue to put me on the god unholy hour of 10:30am in the morning, on a Sunday?! Pfft, do they not know about the hangover I have!

So I arrived at the yard, there was a sodding tractor in front of us the whole way. I tried to overtake but the roads need widening as I couldn’t fit my range rover past his john deer and huge trailer. I do not understand but he had a sign on the back saying wide load. TBH I am outraged. How dare he take the mick out of me and slow me down?! Does he not know who I am!

I was late, and it was raining. I decided I wanted to match my horse so I plaited my own hair like delicias, but because of this my hat didn’t fit, so I didn’t bother wearing one. Use top riders don’t need to use hats anyway. It’s a good thing the show was at the yard, the lorry still wasn’t starting. There was a light flashing on the dashboard, something about an empty tank, but I check my warrior horse container in the back, and there us definitely water for dee in it, so I do not understand. I put two scoops of competition mix into the lorry, so make it have more power. But that didn’t work.

As I was grooming delicia, I suddenly realised I needed more bling on her toes. I rang my farrier instantly, telling his voicemail that I needed him out urgently. After a minute he hadn’t replied so I text him about 50 times. Bloody man ignored me, but that’s ok, there was a girl at the show who’s second cousins best friend’s bf went to America and did a natural trimming session. She took delicias shoes off and filed the hoofs down. She asked if dee wanted gel or acrylic extensions. TBH I couldn’t remember which ones Edward gal’s horses had, so I went for the acrylic with French tips. Don’t worry, they are franch, I did ask. ;)

So I put delicias bridle on, her Pelham was rather high in the mouth once I put her curb and snaffle in, but I got some Vaseline and put that on the corners of her mouth to protect her. I then applied some Boots No. 7 lips gloss in candy floss pink on her lips. She looked very pretty.

After squeezing my size 34 figure into the size 28 jodhpurs, I was ready to go. I got on, delicia groaning as I sat on her back, pretty pony had missed me. I set off at full gallop into the warm up. We like to make an entrance and had great fun carting around the arena. I was sending her forwards off my leg then asking her to come back onto her hocks with our sliding halts (you know, the western style ones). I did some circle work, spinning her on a 7 metre circle at canter, she was going really well until some idiot rider got within 20 metres of me. I was outraged and immediately put a complaint in writing to BD and the BHS.

Now it was my turn to go in. We half passed down to the arena. She looks soooooo pretty as we do this as the whites of her eyes show and everything. The steam was coming off her as I had warmed her up sooooo well! The judge rang the bell for me to start but I wasn’t ready so schooled her in the arena for another 20 minutes. I thought she was really nice and up in front, she was managing to be so high up in front at times it was as though she was standing on her back legs alone. Someone outside the arena said something about a rearing horse, but I guess they are not used to seeing a truly uphill horse. After wowing the judge I allowed her to start to score me. We came down the centre line and veered off to the left, crashing into the corner. Must have been at least a 9 for that as I felt dee’s legs really cross as she tripped. We extended trotted to the circle and swivelled around it. I was so pleased, delicia was giving more than required and was snorting the whole time, showing she really was enjoying it. We went into a lovely forward canter, I half halted and delicia halted, sneezed and fell over. Silly pony. I dismounted and picked her up off the floor. Putting my foot in the stirrup I remembered what I learnt yesterday and mounted facing the horses head. Clear light would be so proud of me. ;)

I remounted and did a fab test, we passaged in the walk as it was all so boring, and popped a fence or two, only 3ft6 but we will be out at foxhunters tomorrow.
Now, only really dressage riders know how complex the Grand Prix Prelim is. As I turned down the centre line, outsiders might have though I was leaning so far back with my head on dee’s ass in an attempt to stop her, but no. I am showing the judge how supple I am. We didn’t halt at the end but rather did a sliding stop with delicia’s head in the judges box. I shook her hand and left the arena at a free gallop on no rein.

I knew there was at least 2 x 10’s in there, but when I came to get my score I realised I only achived 89.77%. I was deeply upset as it was a horrid low mark for my precious pony. I phoned my trainer, she was drunk as usual and said she was going to give the judge a telling off on facebook. I am so disappointed in delicia and tbh, I told her she disappointed me. I refused to look at her and wouldn’t acknowledge her. I put her on the horse walker and turn it up to full. I am riding tomorrow and I shall leave her on there so she is nice and warmed up for my session tomorrow.

Bloody judge was blind. Does she not know what make my bridle is! Only a true dressage rider has a bridle like mine :mad:
 
I like the idea of shaking the judge's hand at the end of your test. I think that was a nice touch. I can't believe the low mark they gave you when you were so polite though :mad:
 
I phoned up BHS earlier (got the number off 118 118), they told me to stop calling them as they were a home ware store! So ruddeeee
 
You need to reduce your 7 metre circles in canter to at least 5 metres!! Pfft - you could drive a jumbo jet in smaller circles than that!

You just wait until I compete my snakes alongside you - you and Dee stand no chance!! You should see their pirouettes and half passes!!
 
If I had been drinking tea I would have spat it out, these reports are gas!

You clearly didn't have enough dead sheep on her for their liking and you probably ought to jump higher next time, they were probably bored. :p
 
How very rude of the judge. I think you should start a Facebook page slating her, but in the meantime take it out on the horse. If you didn't win, it also means all the other competitors are pot hunters. Also have the rider who got within 20m charged with assault.
 
I hate to inject a little CC, but maybe you ought to think of just adding an extra 10 mins to your warm up, then this would ensure D is even more supple and positively listening to you.

I will add (as a sour note, because I'm so insanely jealous of your high class horse and transport) that you should employ an extra groom to help you out :rolleyes: and I just KNOW JTFD would do this, even tho I have offered 3 million times on FB and on here :mad:
 
I hate to inject a little CC, but maybe you ought to think of just adding an extra 10 mins to your warm up, then this would ensure D is even more supple and positively listening to you.

I will add (as a sour note, because I'm so insanely jealous of your high class horse and transport) that you should employ an extra groom to help you out :rolleyes: and I just KNOW JTFD would do this, even tho I have offered 3 million times on FB and on here :mad:

Black Horse can have one of my grooms help out. I've got far too many of the damn things!! Even though I don't compete and only have one horse, I need them as just cannot be faffed doing any of those mucky horrible chores which apparently need doing when one has an equine.
 
Now my scotch beef joint roast dinner is burning but the kids can go hungry, this is far more important, simply scandalous.
Don't worry though when you release your dvd and have your own slot on horse & country I will watch and learn in awe !
 
TFF I'd love to be BH's groom.

I don't think she would trust me not to make Dee into burgers or chop her head off to use as a pillow though :D
 
leave dee's head alone! It's such a beautiful head!!

I am livid at the show centre for not pressuring the judge more! Clearly we should have at least a couple of 11's too! Horse and Hound have called, they want an interview, but i sold the rights to OK! magaizine.
 
Tbh, I notice a big issue here- you haven't mentioned any efforts to pull her head in to her chest and flex it 90 degrees left and right during your warm up whilst inbetween her nose is touching her two front legs. :rolleyes: amaetur...
 
Im not a pot hunter!! I dont want a pot i want a rossette :D

I have decided delicia needs to be rounder, so im going to glue a carrot to her chest and she can trot around trying to eat it.
 
Im not a pot hunter!! I dont want a pot i want a rossette :D

I have decided delicia needs to be rounder, so im going to glue a carrot to her chest and she can trot around trying to eat it.

You could just feed her copious amounts of food - that would make her a lot rounder!
 
Im not a pot hunter!! I dont want a pot i want a rossette :D

I have decided delicia needs to be rounder, so im going to glue a carrot to her chest and she can trot around trying to eat it.

failing that, bit of fishing wire will do, run it through her bit rings and tie at the girth- the carrot will probably get eaten so this is more effective
 
Well dee is fed 10 scoops of competition mix. 5 scoops of alfa A oil and 10 litres of chip oil. Is this not enough? i know she looks really stressed and skinny here.

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I think the judges are just jealous of you and the lovely D. Those that can do, those that can't judge.;) obviously with all that talent and bling you should win every time.:cool:
 
If not the bling then the commitment to dead sheep. Honestly, there hasnt been this many dead sheep since defra were around....
 
I think the problem may of been YOUR plaits !

Did you go from front to back Mohican style or across from ear to ear Bjork style ?
 
Looking at the picture of Dee, it's no wonder she was marked down. She's far too skinny, and she doesn't match the fence!
 
You may have been lacking in the matchy-matchy department. Simply having similar plaits is not always enough these days. Do you have a crystal browband to match D's?:rolleyes: Do you have dead sheep under your hat or poking out the top of your boots?:cool:

I thought not.;)
 
She needs to be wearing boots, bandages, rug & poll guard before being turned out. How can you expect the judge to take you seriously if you don't treat your horse like a proper competion horse. Put on a stud guard too for good measure.
 
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