Am I being a selfish sharer?

MadBlackLab

MadBlackLab

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This is going to be a long one so i'll simplfy it best I can.

I've known this lady for 6 years plus. I use to help her on odd occassions with her TB till about 4/5 years ago when I took him and her daughters young horse on share. I go down everyday as they are stabled throughout year and when she away I use to go down 2 times a day.She'd go away 4/5 times a year and once over xmas. I've brought the youngster on and re-schooled TB and stuck by thro thick and thin. I sort out worming, bedding and feed. I do alot more hands on stuff then her and never moaned while working full time. No matter the weather/ time of day I've been there at short notice. I've treated them like my own and we never had any major fall outs. I've supported her with family and personal issues. It was like we were close friends.

For anyone who has read some of my other threads you'll know I'm having a bad pregnancy with hospital trips and generally being very unwell for last six weeks. During this six weeks my mum and OH have been helping me. Basically I make sure all is ok and do no work as not got the strength to do anything with horses and i've never let this lady down. Also I cant drive due to health and medication

Unfortunatly my health with this pregnancy is not improving so I informed her of this and expained whats going on and I cant continue caring for the horses. To be honest i'm worried there will be an accident with me if I try and care for them at moment. She has called me selfish and that I'm only pregnant and she was never this ill with pregnancy and she got on with it. Also she saying that she is unable to care for the horses without me.

There is no contract and never has been and it wasnt an easy dicision for me but its not just me I have to think of now. Also my mum and OH are not happy with how she has treated me since I've not been at her beck and call. I know time of year not brill but I cant help that

I just want to no have I been selfish.

Bottle wine for anyone who has got to bottom
 
if she's unable to look after her horses or pay someone else to, she shouldn't have them. her problem, not yours.
 
Honestly? I think you know how unreasonable she is being.
You cannot help being ill (pregnant or not ) you & your baby's health is the most important thing now.
She is just p*ssed off because she had a bloody good thing with you & she knows it & doesn't want it to end.
Don't feel guilty, like I said before you've got to look after yourself [hugs]
 
Your baby comes first !! And so do you and your health, there isn't alot you can do and i I can't believe she expects you to. Every pregnancy is different!! She can't compare yours 2 hers... What a Shame she's taken it so badly!!!:-( x
 
No you're not selfish at all, but she sounds as though she is!

I'd be inclined to tell her that you're upset at being called selfish after all you've put in over the years. She's probably panicing about how to cope and lashing out. She ought to apologise.

Look after yourself and your future baby. You've done as much as you can and can't help the time of year.

If the worst came to the worst, and you lost the share (she would be mad!) there would be many other people around who would snap you up!
 
If no part of her concern was about you, your health and your baby then she is the selfish one.

At the end of the day there is no formal agreement for you to be expected to look after the horses, I assume she relies on you for your time and expertise not money. I woudl love to have such a dedicated sharer.
 
Baby comes first, please do not risk your child for someone elses child.
Yes lots of people cope fine with pregnancy and horses, if its not working for you please do not but you or baby for someone elses horse. If you've been told not to drive you need to take it easy and she needs to accept as helpful as you've been its not on now, a real friend while may be inconvienced wouldnt ask.
If she can't cope with the horses how the the hell are pergnant you!
 
Ok then - lets look at it another way.... you try to carry on and get weaker and weaker and get rushed into hospital where they keep you for the next 6 months, and you worry yourself sick that you have harmed your baby.... not a pleasant pregnancy for you is it?

And the woman would still has to sort out her own horses - and to what end ?

And how soon are you expecting to be able to resume full care of two horses with a young baby in tow? Just after they cut the cord ?

Note to self - if ever I share one of my horses - I must ask sharer to keep me informed of any bedroom activity in case it does not suit me :)
 
She sounds selfish, not you :(
I understand it must be hard to lose someone who's been helping for so long, but pregnancy (Especially a hard one) is very important and serious! Hopefully she's just a bit shocked by the news, I know I can act out when I get a shock.

Either way *hugs* I really hope for the best for you and your baby :)
 
Thank you all. I know deep down I'm not bing selfish but when your laid here and on your own most the time your mind does take over. I would love to have an easy preg where I could get up and dressed without being sick/dizzy. It would be bliss.

I never felt used as I got so much enjoyment and the work I did with both horses made my day. I loved and cared for them like I would my own but just never afford to have my own.

My OH says that she just p*ssed off cause they would be no other idiot (he ment it in a nice way I think) that take on 2 horses pretty much full time 365 days a year for nothing.

My hormones are all over the place:confused:
 
And you should be enjoying the fact that your hormones are all over the place ! not worrying that some selfish woman does not give a dam about you or your babies health.

I like your OH ! - he sounds like he has your best interests at heart - so listen to him - you dont find many men out there that are as supportive.

GW
x
 
I can understand why you feel aggrieved, its a shame that a long friendship has ended on a sour note and of course, your baby and your health are your first priority.
However, from your description, it sounds almost as though you were an unpaid groom, rather than having two horses to care for and ride without the responsibility of ownership.
Surely it was an arrangement that suited you both ? I do think this lady reacted badly to your decision to end the arrangement, it was unfair, but do spare a though for her. She is probably panicking at the prospect of having to sort out a new arrangement knowing that good sharers like you are hard to come by.
It would be a shame to let things end like this, its been a big part of your life for so long. Once the dust has settled, you might regret not being able to keep in touch and have updates of the horses that meant so much to you.
 
Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope you feel better real soon. This is a time to enjoy and to cherish... not to worry yourself silly about getting hurt trying to care for somebody else's horses!!
I was very lucky with my pregnancy, which was such a blessing as I had horses at home and we had lots of snow! But even with feeling great it was still really hard going and very exhausting. Also, lets face it, once baby is around it is going to be double hard to get out and do two horses for someone else. My two cents worth= enjoy this time, enjoy your baby and when you are healthy and back into your and baby's routine, find another sharer. This time, get things in writing. Or save up and get a horse on loan. The fact that you've re-schooled her TB for her, means that you are a knowledgeable and capable horse person.

And no, you are not the selfish one, she is. She is going to feel very red faced in a few years looking back at how she treated you..

Good luck.
 
horserider it was an agreement that suit us both and had for many yrs

I didnt want to end it on a sour note and yes I can understand she been left in the lerch but it was something I had to do as i'm unable to look after myself really let alone two animals where an accident could of happened due to me not being with it as im exhausted some days.

I just thought after all the yrs known her mayb she thought of me more then an unpaid groom but now im not so sure
 
Nothing for you to feel guilty about, your starting a family, you can't put your life on hold or risk your health for this woman or her horses for that matter, you've done plenty by the sounds of it, nor do you need the stress, focus on your family and look forward to having your little one, their her horses, her responsibility at the end of the day.
 
She's lucky she had such a conscientious and reliable sharer for as long as she did, and I guess her appalling lack of empathy stems from the fact she's upset because she'll now have to do the work herself. As a grown woman she should be aware that every pregnancy is different, tell her to jog on if she's going to be like that about it.
 
No you are not being selfish you are being a mother and quite frankly she should be far more respectful of your issues.

I really think you need to walk away from this issue and concentrate on yours and your baby's health.

Please take care of yourself.
xx
 
You are not selfish.

A friend of mine had a difficult pregnancy, sick all the time, and ended up several times in hospital. I'm sure felt at times that things would never improve but now she has a lovely healthy baby and feels fine - so will you, but only if you look after yourself and take it easy when you feel the need.
 
Gingerwitch said:
Note to self - if ever I share one of my horses - I must ask sharer to keep me informed of any bedroom activity in case it does not suit me :)
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or get a male sharer :p

OP, you are NOT in the wrong here.
My wife had a very difficult first pregnancy and was unable to look after her horse at all. Guess she was lucky that I have a bit of knowledge about horses so could take over. You and baby are far more improtant than share arrangement.
 
kirsty17 said:
What an ungrateful witch!
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Seconded!!

I've recently had a lucky escape from an ungrateful moose, although my last two owners have been extremely ungrateful when it came to me moving on and completly threw it back in my face! I think that's what happens when you bend over backwards to do everything, once you want to go, they realise exactly what a good thing they were onto and realise how much they then have to do themselves! I think it's a bit of a shock reflex!

I can't belive the way she is treating you OP! Get away while you can! you and your baby are much more important!
 
absolutely not, the woman is behaving appaulingly. My first pregnancy was a breeze - I rode to 24 weeks , competed to 14 week could do all the jobs around our small holding till the before I delivered, This time I have been really ill the whole way through, I stopped riding at 6 weeks , my horse has had to go on full livery and I can barely feed the chickens. IT is horrible and hard enough to get any enjoyment out of a difficult pregnancy anyway without this woman behaving like a spoilt brat. It is not your problem. please dont keep pushing purself - it is not worth it. how many weeks are you now by the way - I am 22 weeks and am starting to feel a bit better now if that helps, although now getting quite big ( twins - gulp !)
 
That can be the trouble with being a sharer - the horse owner stops thinking of you as a sharer, and starts thinking of you as an unpaid lackey to be taken advantage of at every turn! Not all owners of course, but it does happen (it's why I'm not a sharer anymore - got fed up with being taken for a mug).

OP, of course you are not being selfish, good grief it's not like anyone chooses to be completely knocked flat healthwise, whether that's through pregnancy or whatever. She's being ridiculous, frankly.
 
Spudlet said:
That can be the trouble with being a sharer - the horse owner stops thinking of you as a sharer, and starts thinking of you as an unpaid lackey to be taken advantage of at every turn! Not all owners of course, but it does happen (it's why I'm not a sharer anymore - got fed up with being taken for a mug).
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Completely agree! I nearly jumped feet first into another share and decided I couldn't bear to be in that situation again!

Lucky for me, I've found a lovely mare, owner hadn't got enough time and wanted a rider, she does everything for her, I just turn up and ride, I do feel a bit slack and try to do any of the odd jobs she hasn't done! I'm slowly getting used to the easy life though and it suits us both very well!
 
No way are you being selfish. Think of your health and that of your baby. I would imagine she's probably panicking at the prospect of having to do the work herself as it did seem from your post that you went above and beyond a normal sharer.

It's very silly of her to say that she had no problems with her pregnancy as any person knows no two pregnancies are the same, even for the same woman.

Put yourself first. :)
 
JLD said:
absolutely not, the woman is behaving appaulingly. My first pregnancy was a breeze - I rode to 24 weeks , competed to 14 week could do all the jobs around our small holding till the before I delivered, This time I have been really ill the whole way through, I stopped riding at 6 weeks , my horse has had to go on full livery and I can barely feed the chickens. IT is horrible and hard enough to get any enjoyment out of a difficult pregnancy anyway without this woman behaving like a spoilt brat. It is not your problem. please dont keep pushing purself - it is not worth it. how many weeks are you now by the way - I am 22 weeks and am starting to feel a bit better now if that helps, although now getting quite big ( twins - gulp !)
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I'm now 12 wks but only one baby as had a scan at 8/9wks when was in hospital with dehydration. When I found out I was preg I could imagine carrying on as normal work and horse wise and now i'm unable to do either. can just cope with feeding dog, only cause I have to put bowl on floor as its made up ready by OH lol.

Want to say thank you all for your kind words. I actual slept well last night knowing that i'm not being a cow. Giving these two horses up has broken my heart but like you all say i have something else to look forward to and will take up all my time. x x x
 
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