am I being fair ? dont really want to ride any more !?

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JLD

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Not really looking for answers just wondered if anyone else been in similar situation. I work full time very long hours and keep my horse on part livery - all care not ridden, I used to ride 4-5 x a week, since having my baby a year ago I have really struggled - am back at work full time and OH wants to spend time together as family ( as do I ) at weekends. I am trying to decrease my work days but will have baby all day and dont want to put her in childcare to ride as defeats purpose of having the day off to spend with her. Also have really lost my motivation to ride - after a bit of soul searching a really am not bothered if I dont so drive to 'make' time not really there.

But I love my boy to bits I would hate to sell him on as he is quirky - we have a really good bond but most people hate riding him, Also am aware that baby will grow up go to school etc and he is only 13 so has many years ahead of him and I may want to ride again when I have more time. I can just about afford to keep him on part livery - he is on a yard where the YO loves him and cares for him like her own and he is happy. But I feel I have turned into someone who has a horse, never rides and doesnt do them herself - ie everything I have previously despaired of !

Is it fair to keep him doing nothing seeing him only at weekends and not even riding for a couple of years or should I bite the bullet and accept my life has changed and he would be better with someone else ? I had always planned to keep him for ever but never thought it would be me that changed I thought he might become unridable and retire etc and that's fine I would never move him on for that. not even really sure what I;m thinking . is very hard to put into words. !
 
Could you put him out on loan? Wouldn't worry about him being quirky as I've got one on permanent loan and no-one will ride him bar me as he's so difficult, but I wouldn't change him for the world.

May be worth at least looking into before making your mind up.
 
Perhaps you could find a sharer who wants to ride him, I'm sure there would be someone out there who would enjoy him! Don't beat yourself up because you don't want to ride, having horses is supposed to be fun not a chore and to be fair I don't think they mind all that much in fact I know some who would be delighted if they were never ridden again!!!
You are at a stage in your life when other commitments make spending a lot of time with your boy difficult but as you say that may not last forever so I would just try to either find a sharer or maybe just let him be a field ornament (if he is happy doing that) for a bit and see how you feel in the summer when you have lighter days etc and so maybe a bit more time.
Hope it works out for you.
 
I think many women in similar circumstances would feel the same (and possibly some horsey men with non-horsey partners too) so try not to beat yourself up about it, though I can imagine it is a hard decision to make.

Could you advertise for a part loan/share rider for him and try that for a while and see how you get on?
 
I would echo would the above poster says and part loan him - you still have the option to spend time with him then as it allows but hes still in your care.

I too loaned a quirky horse - he was super so theres always someone out there who would take him on.
 
I agree with JVB about trying to loan him out as then when you have more time you can have him back to continue with or if you still dont have the drive he could either be sold or continue on loan as he will then not be costing you to keep. I would feel quite unhappy about turning a 13yo away for a couple of years as he is in his prime, so I would definately look into loaning and also on loan you can still visit him, and people tend not to be put of a loan horse by quirkyness the same they would be buying one. My loan horse is very quirky but i love it!!
 
JLD said:
Not really looking for answers just wondered if anyone else been in similar situation. I work full time very long hours and keep my horse on part livery - all care not ridden, I used to ride 4-5 x a week, since having my baby a year ago I have really struggled - am back at work full time and OH wants to spend time together as family ( as do I ) at weekends. I am trying to decrease my work days but will have baby all day and dont want to put her in childcare to ride as defeats purpose of having the day off to spend with her. Also have really lost my motivation to ride - after a bit of soul searching a really am not bothered if I dont so drive to 'make' time not really there.

But I love my boy to bits I would hate to sell him on as he is quirky - we have a really good bond but most people hate riding him, Also am aware that baby will grow up go to school etc and he is only 13 so has many years ahead of him and I may want to ride again when I have more time. I can just about afford to keep him on part livery - he is on a yard where the YO loves him and cares for him like her own and he is happy. But I feel I have turned into someone who has a horse, never rides and doesnt do them herself - ie everything I have previously despaired of !

Is it fair to keep him doing nothing seeing him only at weekends and not even riding for a couple of years or should I bite the bullet and accept my life has changed and he would be better with someone else ? I had always planned to keep him for ever but never thought it would be me that changed I thought he might become unridable and retire etc and that's fine I would never move him on for that. not even really sure what I;m thinking . is very hard to put into words. !
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I do sympathise - having a baby is such hard work, and the whole dynamic of your family changes. Loyalties and priorities are sorely tested. Could you perhaps put him on loan to someone? Maybe your YO knows of someone suitable? Babies and children get more expensive, and as they grow older, there are ever-changing demands on your time - and cash! It would be sad if your boy became a bone of contention due to his demands on what are now, family finances, and to a lesser extent, family time. You may well find that, once he is on loan, you feel happier, and it could be a stepping stone to letting him go. I lost the will, and the time, to ride when my daughter was born. I just had the (very) odd pootle on a friend's. But, as they say, "Blood will out!" and daughter started riding at two, own pony at seven, now doing it full time. I'm involved, although I haven't ridden properly in years. I don't really miss it, to be honest, but every so often, I think, "It's a good day to ride" !
 
Definitely look for a sharer - although he's quirky, there IS someone else who would love to ride him.
Your baby won't be a baby for long, her baby days are the most precious ever, and you won't get them back again. Spend the time with her, she needs you, and you'll regret it if you let them pass by worrying about riding your horse!
She will grow up, too quickly (can I just say they need you more as they get older, not less!) but don't rush it!
Find a sharer, and if you can afford it, be Lady Bountiful, give someone the chance of a lifetime to ride a lovely horse, kept at livery, and make a difference to their life too. With luck, you will pick on someone who, in a year or two, will double as a willing baby sitter, and happily take daughter for a toddle while you have a ride. In fact, I would VERY much be looking for this characteristic in a potential sharer!
Good luck!
 
Gosh .... new baby and a full time job!!!! Please stop being so hard on yourself, your horse is well cared for and for the time being is taking a back seat to your new family. He wont come to any harm but as the other answer said you could allways put him on loan if you felt he could do with some work. Stop beating yourself up.......... you sound to me as if you have got your priorities right.
 
If you can find a sharer I'd go down that route. Reading between the lines it sounds to me like you really don't want to let him go so if you can afford to keep him on livery then why not? He'll be happy no matter what, as long as he's getting food water and attention he'll be a happy horse.
 
You won't be the first or the last to be in this situation, no doubt it will come to many of us in the future, family comes first after all.

There are some great people out there that would love to share or loan your horse, so at least you have options that would work really well for you, your horse and someone else and then you can enjoy him when you do have time plus it well help reduce the cost to you if someone contributes to his keep.

Doesn't sound like you actually want to part with him though, you may regret if you did and then it's too late then.

Good Luck, hope you work something out.
 
Oh, I do sympathise... I have also had a baby 11 months ago and am struggling to find any horse time. I feel differently though; I do really want to ride still and am determined to find a way of managing it. Do you have to spend ALL of every weekend on family time...? Of course it's important, but there must be time for a quick ride as well as seeing your husband and daughter.

I have gone back to work 4 days a week and until now haven't used childcare for the day off for the same reason as you. However, maybe I am a crap mother, but i have decided to put my son in nursery for a couple of hours so I can ride. i think a happy relaxed mum is more fun than a stressed horse-deprived one! I have also rather resigned myself to being mostly a weekend hacker till spring and longer evenings, then it may be possible (and more pleasant) to ride in the evenings.

Your horse won't mind the time off, and he will be lower mileage for it when you do have the time to ride him more. In the meantime, have you considered the usual things? - loan, share, find a friend who wants to do something with him. It sounds as if you would regret it if you sold him, and if you want to keep a jobless horse for a while, then it's your concern. In any case, it's a poor seller's market at the moment, especially for horses who are in their teens (not at all old, but everyone wants 7 year olds...!).

Where are you based? I have previously considered the possibility of mutual babysitting for horse-owning new mums...
 
wow ! thank you all so much for your comments and support. Am quite overwhelmed by how lovely eveyone is being ! My daughter is the most precious amazing thing in the world and I need to spend time with her. I never realized how deep and complete that need would be. But my boy is pretty special too and I would never want him to be hurt or neglected, he gets really excited when he hears my car on the yard and has a complete tantrum if he knows I am there but havent gone straight in to see him, My baby also adores him and reaches up to be sat on him at every oppertunity. I'm so glad other people think I'm doing ok. He isn't put out to pasture as such - I hack him once a week and quite enjoy that. and just go up and cuddle him one other day which we both love. he has daily turn out and comes in with his friends at night when he is groomed and fussed by YO. is silly but I feel liek a weight has been lifted. THANK YOU !
 
just don't sell him. Loan or share looks like the way forward as you can always have him back. So many people sell and then regret it.
 
I think skint santa has it down to a tee. There will be many other people in your situation so don't feel bad. Look for a sharer or sokmeone to loan. You say you can afford to keep him on part livery so you won't have to rush into finding someone.
Hope you get everything sorted
 
I had the opportunity to ride for a lady whilst she was pregnant. Her horse was a bit quirky, and not too nice on the ground but i loved her. Owners baby due in january 2008, i announced i was pregnant in december 2007....cue horse having a month or two off! Owner started to ride at 6 weeks and like you, struggled to find the time BUT her little one is now nearly 3, and she has really got back into it. We also became firm friends, as did our babies, and now i have had my second (and final!) baby i still have the opportunity to ride when i like, because although she can ride it's still not daily.

I'd say if you keep your boy ticking over, he'll still be there when you do find more time. Believe me, the time will fly by. Before you know it, your little one will be 3 and will start pre-school for 15 hours a week (i'm a bit emotional at the thought of my 'baby' starting in august).

I would also see if you can find a mum in a similar situation that had to give their horse up that would enjoy a hack once a week. I'm sure there are lots out there judging by the amount of horses for sale/loan due to young family or pregnancy.

Hope you get it sorted, and give yourself a pat on the back. You don't have to be supermum so don't feel bad you can't do everything and keep everyone happy all the time.

Trina x
 
I'd echo what the others have said, don't beat yourself up about it, your reaction is pretty normal.

Look for a sharer to keep him ticking over so you can continue enjoying a weekly hack, not only would it be good for your and your boy (relieving you of guilt, keeping him fit and interested) it would be really nice to give a rider who can't afford their own chance to ride.

Another young mum might be good as you could also share babysitting duties, plenty have to give up their horses as they can only afford DIY. Or you could look for a student or even a teenager to share, they tend to have plenty of time to help out but not much money. I think in this case you would be best looking for the perfect person and not worrying too much about financial contributions, as long as they have their own insurance.

When I was a post grad student I shared a horse with a working mum and I am very grateful to her, without her I wouldn't have got back into riding after uni as I couldn't afford lessons or my own. We kept it informal and I basically did her horse when she needed help and she let me ride in return.

I currently know a vet student who is far to skint to afford a contribution but is a decent rider and is knowledgeable on the ground, she would love to find a suitable share so she can keep her hand in, but they are few and far between. If you could find someone like her to help you out it could be real mutual benefit.
 
I have just recently given up my boy as (- all but the baby -) was feeling the same.

I used to work locally, have him on DIY, had him since he was a teeny baby.... but things changed!

I work in London now so my day is so much longer now as had no time for DIY, moved to livery but still wasnt getting to the yard until 7pm. I thought just spending 2 hours at the yard - in the grand scheme of things isnt that long (ride 1 hr, groom 45 mins, faff 15 mins after riding etc), which was a quick day- so my earliest nights i was getting home after 9pm. thats a long day in itself.

Then i did that dreaded thing of getting in a relationship.... and moving in together (after a year). I would hardly spend any time with my boyfriend, evenings i was always too tired & weekend were critical to have a designated hacking out timeslot.

We never got to spend too much time together and my horse deserved to have quality time spent with him, what with my life changes i felt like he deserved better that what i could provide. Someone said to me recently 'it feels like we do half a job of everything and a good job of nothing'. i couldn't agree more in regards to spending time with horses/family/ time for yourself....

it was a big descision that cut me up inside, i was giving away my pride and joy but it was for the best for both of us. i managed to 'give' him to a friend. her horse is elderly and she always had a soft spot for my boy. i sacrificed selling ( which would have been a decent amount of money too) to ensure he went to the right home, i know she would love and care for him exactly how i would want.

I didn't really have an issue with giving up horses, it was him i would miss. i miss him now & probably always will. he was a specail horse and gave me some incredible experiences that i will never forget & probably never repeat. but they are the memories i keep hold of. Plus i can see him whenever i want.

We have this fear that they will miss us... but they dont. i went to see him at his new home and he was soooo happy, he pulled a nice little face at me but was more interested in his new mummy becasue she loves him just as much as i did!

Your passion for horses will never go away & your love of your horse will never dampen.

I know ladies that have a long break from horses while they have families and return to it. they have lovely horses and have a great time at the yard and enjoy it as much as they did before families.

But you do need to decide what is more important and you need to make the descision by yourself, if other people help you make it you will blame them in the future. im not saying sell your horse but i think you need to have a think about your priorities.

We will only go through life once and be young once.
 
I agree that perhaps you could get a sharer? Even if all they did was rode him a couple of times a week, keeps him from losing all his fitness, you will get a contribution towards his cost and he can enjoy his youth :)
 
I would say loan, but be REALLY fussy where he goes - it may cost you a little bit of money to initially get it going (I paid to trail my horse to XCountry Course, etc as wanted to be sure they would gel).

My girl has gone out on loan and I have had the most fun summer ever. The girl has been competing her at BSJA and BE and I am almost like a mum (go along and hold, walk course, etc). I have enjoyed the horse so much more than when I just felt guilty not using her properly.
 
So much wise advice! The main thing I would repeat is DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP. There is enough guilt involved in motherhood without also feeling guilty about the horse.

I didn't ride for nearly 4 years while I had my two babies and my horse (who, fortunately, was in his early twenties at the time) was a field ornament. I have started riding again now but on a new horse. I have retired him as, at 26, he still behaves like a 2 year old. He is not a happy hacker, and he is too old for me to do more serious stuff with him.

I wouldn't worry about "wasting" him - if you desperately don't want to get rid of him, then keep him, either doing nothing or being shared. Incidentally I have loaned mine out in the past twice, and neither time it worked well. I would prefer to go down the sharer route.

Enjoy your baby! And if you invest enough time in doing horsey things with her then before you know it you will have a little horsey friend to do horsey things with. I'm taking my 4 year old to Olympia on Friday for the first time and I'm more excited than her I think!
 
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