Am I being petty?

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Lauren_abigail

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Hi all,

Just wanted to sound a few of you out on whether I am being a bit petty or have a genuine reason to be irritated...

I moved to a new yard about 10 months ago, and a friend of mine (quite novicey) decided to move her horse to the yard as well. No problem.

She works often very long hours and expects me to help out with her horses while she is unable to get to the yard.

Now I don't mind helping out occasionally of course, but this is becoming a weekly thing.

Since moving to the new yard, she has bought herself another horse so now it is double the work. At the moment while the weather is good they are living out and most of the time she just wants me to feed the two of them in the field. All very well and good but one is extremely food aggressive and countless times I have nearly been booted whilst feeding them.

During winter, she would ask me to sort out her horse, which would include mucking out, feeding, rug change, turn out, hay in field etc. I certainly don't have time for this to happen this winter with the extra horse to deal with.

I know that the favour would be returned if I needed it to be, however I don't. I'm a believer in having and caring for your own horse - if you don't have the time, don't buy one!!

I mention earlier that she is novicey as almost daily she ask for advice on various aspects of horse care or riding (which I 100% don't mind giving!!) however she then ignores all advice given by me or others, and then bloody moans when her horse is acting up etc. I'm getting very frustrated with the whole situation if I'm honest!!

Has anyone else had an experience like this, and if so, how did you deal with it?

I don't want to hurt her feelings and not help her out at all, but I feel like I'm having the mickey taken out of me a bit.
 
You're not being petty at all. Tell her you're happy to help in an emergency or to cover a weekend away or similar but you cannot to do all she is asking you to do. If you want a reason (not that you need to give her one, but you might find it easier), tell her you've been promoted at work and you have to work extra hours.

Or, could you work it to your advantage and arrange for her to put hers and yours out in the morning and muck hers out then and for you to get them all in or vice versa? That way, you're making her do her bit and getting something in return? My friend and I do this and it works brilliantly. She does the mornings - she gets up early and does the horses before going home to get the kids up and is then around after school to ferry them about and I can get to work early so that I'm then home earlier to ride the horses.
 
I think this is the kind of situation where you need to very gently explain the issues over a cup of tea. She probably doesn't really realise the position she is putting you in as she probably thinks that it's not a big deal since you're "there anyway". If you explain that it takes a little too long, perhaps you can arrange to at least both go together and make it a bit more friendly and cooperative? You know her best and I don't know the details of her work hours but I imagine that some arrangement where you both go together and share the burden (rather than dividing up the days, for instance - because then one person will inevitably feel they are doing more than the other) might work out best and be good for your friendship too.

As for taking advice... Sadly, that's just people. It can be really difficult to get someone to take your advice. I've been paid for my advice and STILL the owner doesn't do as I say. Sometimes people just don't know how to implement your advice and you need to really show them. Especially with behavioural and ridden stuff (not so much with feeding etc which is more straight-forward to explain). Other times they try their best but find that they "can't" for whatever reason. For instance I've found that it's fairly common for people to be too timid to do groundwork on their own because they aren't confident enough. Often they then blame everything on the horse but somewhere in the back of their minds they know it's their lack of confidence... So perhaps you'd find that if you were very patient and kind of held her hand through some things, she'd improve in terms of taking advice. It is very frustrating, I know, to have someone ask for your help and then not use it. But you need to remember that most of the time this isn't because they actively don't want to - it's cause something - either their own psychology or their lack of ability/understanding - is stopping them and they don't want to admit that they are at fault.
 
You're not being petty but you have let the situation escalate by being so easy going so you're going to need to stay calm and not direct all of your frustration at your friend as it's not entirely her fault you didn't nip this in the bud

As suggested above sit down together and talk. I would personally say something along the lines of you simply will not have the time to deal with her horses anymore so she will need to make alternative arrangements for their care though you will do your best to still try and offer advice if you are around when she needs it

Be nice but firm!
 
Totally agree with the others, you are not being petty - however I am sure she is not taking the mick on purpose and the fact that you have been helping her out will have confirmed to her that there isn't a problem!

Certainly not worth falling out over, but you definitely need to talk to her and explain you simply don't have the time to regularly help her out.
 
No you're not being petty, it sounds like she needs to either be on a DIY yard that offers 'services' or part livery.
 
People treat you the way you let them treat you ... If there was no reciprocal agreement needed why did you say yes in the first place? Petty , no but I do think you've brought a lot of it on yourself ..
 
I was in a similar position where I ended up helping lots of people but then when I went on holiday nobody helped out with poo picking my field! I then decided to stop all favours as I felt that I was getting taken advantage off! I am now upfront and tell people who have moved onto yard that I will help out but expect to be paid in wine! So one week of turning out equals one bottle of wine! I would never ask somebody for a favour without giving something in return! So rude! I'm impossible to do favours for as I live only 2 mins from yard and I go down at least twice a day so a bottle of wine is a fair trade!
 
Ali27 said:
I was in a similar position where I ended up helping lots of people but then when I went on holiday nobody helped out with poo picking my field! I then decided to stop all favours as I felt that I was getting taken advantage off! I am now upfront and tell people who have moved onto yard that I will help out but expect to be paid in wine! So one week of turning out equals one bottle of wine! I would never ask somebody for a favour without giving something in return! So rude! I'm impossible to do favours for as I live only 2 mins from yard and I go down at least twice a day so a bottle of wine is a fair trade!
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Fantastic idea but I would require a bottle for every day's worth of favours!!
 
She probably doesn't realise what a nuisance it is for you. I would politely tell her (and without making her feel like she has been taking advantage of you thus far by itemising everything you do etc) that you don't really have the time to continue helping her out as frequently as you have been, and suggest that she makes alternative arrangements to get someone to do however many evenings etc she needs. If she tried to persuade you that you do still have time to help then feel free to go into great detail about how long it takes, that you're uncomfortable feeding them in the field etc, but if it is a real friend who has inadvertently slipped into relying too much on you then I would expect her to back off as you request without getting into a detailed discussion of how much you do and what is a reasonable request within the bounds of a friendship.
 
fathorselover said:
Fantastic idea but I would require a bottle for every day's worth of favours!!
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Unfortunately some people in life are takers and some like us are givers! I often give people lifts in my trailer when I go out to lessons/ competing etc and again I got fed up with people not saying thanks, cleaning my trailer out and nothing in return! I'm learning not to offer favours etc as freely as I used to! I sent everyone on my yard a message saying that I was starting a new job so was going to be short on time as I was leaving house at 7.10am and not back until late so had to stop doing favours! It got beyond a joke when I realised that I was turning someone's pony out at weekends in Summer even though mine were out 24/7. I got down yard at 8am latest to turn pony out while they enjoyed weekend lie ins! Not that I like to waste weekends by lying in bed but not the point! Think you need to get tough! I really wonder why some people bother having horses!
 
As a YO I had a similar situation in the yard a few years ago; a girl brought her two horses and it became apparent quite early on that she was quite novicey and "needy" to the point that she (like OP in her situation with the friend) expected me to "help" her on an increasingly frequent basis. She was on a DIY livery and it was becoming very difficult to have to keep saying sorry but no.

I had to be direct with her and suggest, politely, that the yard's DIY policy obviously did not meet her needs and that due to the fact that I had to see to my own horses (as well as her expecting me to see to hers), I wasn't able to help her, and suggested as nicely as possible that I wouldn't be offended if she found another yard elsewhere which better suited her lifestyle. End of.

OP it sounds like this "friendship" has potential to become toxic, if indeed it hasn't already done so TBH. It sounds like you are being taken advantage of, and are obviously resenting this. Often a friend can be a wonderful friend - in another yard! - but unfortunately there are friends, and there are friends, and this one sounds like she's latched on to you simply because she's expecting you to do her horses for her.

You and you alone have to decide how you will approach this situation with your friend - if you press the wrong buttons I'm sure you realise that you could lose her friendship - but my feeling would be that she is taking the P!ss big-time and is frankly taking advantage of your obvious good nature. True, loyal friends, help each other out, yes, but its not one sided like this sounds to be.

IF the YO is aware of the situation, she probably wouldn't wish to intervene, particularly as the yard is a DIY one, especially if it is common practice for liveries to help each other out. As a DIY YO, I would be unlikely to interfere in this sort of situation TBH, unless the horse(s) were being neglected or not seen to properly.

You may have to tackle this directly, and just say to her something along the lines of you're feeling increasingly pressured as she's expecting you to "do" her horse(s) more often than you expected and more than you're happy with, and you are feeling that this is begining to affect your friendship, and because you value her as a friend, you wonder whether she might be better on a yard where she's given a bit more help. Tell her that you are time-pressured, and getting increasingly stressed, and that therefore you can't/won't be helping her any more. Be firm, but do not compromise; and then you could perhaps lead the conversation into the realm of going to look for a yard with her where she can perhaps go onto DIY/Assisted for when she needs it, rather than DIY-and-ask-her-long-suffering-friend-to-help. I don't know whether "Assisted DIY" livery is available at the yard you're currently at? If so, just tell her straight out that you are not in a position to help her anymore and that she must ask (and pay for!) the extras.

Often two best buddies on a yard sounds the best thing since gals started riding astride, but often it just doesn't work out. When it does, it's great, but not so good when things go sour and people start taking advantage.
 
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It's all to easy to say yes to odd tasks seeing as you're up the yard anyway, but as I found myself you can suddenly realise you are becoming an unpaid groom. But as you are on the same yard its not ideal to risk falling out, so a little chat in the style of the advice of MiJodsR2BlinkinTite would be what I would do
 
Nip it in the bud now. Before the winter. Been here myself. You have to. Of she has a problem with it. Tough. Like you say you don't her help.

Not petty at all.
 
Just say you are so sorry but you won't have the time to do her horses any more. Then, when wionter comes she will be prepared to sort it herself.
Do it before you get so angry you fall out about it!
At least if she has 2 they can stay in the field together until she can get them in, easier for you than having to face leaving one on its own.
 
Hard one, but I'd pull back and tell her, or get her to do yours for a weekend so she can see how much work it is. I do my mate's boy many weekends, but she turns out for me every day and I buy stuff for her all the time, make her flyspray every week in the summer etc. It has to be a two way street or you'll end up very resentful-sounds like you have already.

Ali27 said:
So one week of turning out equals one bottle of wine!
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Blimey, what the heck do you drink? One day would equal one bottle of the cheap stuff I drink! It's £3 to turn out at my place using the yard services!
 
cinnamontoast said:
Hard one, but I'd pull back and tell her, or get her to do yours for a weekend so she can see how much work it is. I do my mate's boy many weekends, but she turns out for me every day and I buy stuff for her all the time, make her flyspray every week in the summer etc. It has to be a two way street or you'll end up very resentful-sounds like you have already.



Blimey, what the heck do you drink? One day would equal one bottle of the cheap stuff I drink! It's £3 to turn out at my place using the yard services!
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Haha - maybe I should put up my wine charge then!!!!! One winter, I turned out someone's three horses/ ponies at 5.30 am each weekday and then put them in turnout pen at weekends for a set of overalls and six bottles of wine at Christmas but no real favours in return! I saved them around £60 per month as other girl on yard was charging £1 per horse to turn out. I turn my yard owners pony out with mine and she is always buying me lovely presents such as fleece rugs, riding socks, numnahs, wine, in fact I have to tell her not to buy me so much stuff as she and her husband do so much lovely stuff for us liveries that I'm always happy to help her!
 
Defo up your requirements! I keep my mate in pellets, fly spray, polos, anything she mentions, she gets! I couldn't do without her help and am starting to panic that she's possibly moving with her family too far for me to see her much. :(
 
Thanks for all of the responses - I think the general consensus is that I need to sit down and have a chat with her.

Not looking forward to it. However I am very keen on the exchange of jobs for wine!!!
 
Betcha it ain't gonna go down well. An alternative is to charge her, then buy your own wine. If anybody expected me to look after and muck out their two horses for even one day "as a favour" I'd hit the roof!
 
Unfortunately this is all too common. This is why I never get into quid pro quo arrangements. Even my best friend I always offered to pay (and vice verse) even if she didn't take it. As you said you need to sit down and have a chat ASAP and definitely before winter! You could always say that you go to the yard to spend time with your horse and the extra jobs are taking away from that time especially in the winter. This might sound harsh but if she gets pissed off then she isn't a friend anyway!
 
You're not being petty but you can help yourself by telling her you haven't got the time to look after her horse/carry on with the current situation.

Re the questions why don't you suggest good places to find information and only step in if its something fundamental (health/safety)
 
Could you spend the day doing the horses together so she sees how you do it? If she needs to learn, watching someone else or being given kind instructions is best, I find. If she's taking the mick, tho, she may well react poorly, but tbh, horses are expensive and as someone already said, if you can't afford it, don't get them.
 
You're not being petty at all. It's this sort of situation that has led me to wonder whether I could take on my friend's horse and all his associated problems (see other threads). Over the weekend things have started to get a little out of hand and previously good friendships are turning 'toxic' as someone wrote on here earlier. I've decided to stay out of it, despite my affection and concern for one of the horses concerned. The YO is now pretty fed up with the way the horse I am worried about and the owner's other horse, dog and small pet are being treated and, with the possibility of two new people to take her place on the yard is thinking of giving the owner notice. There is a limit to what you can do for people and when they start taking the mickey like your livery and this owner are doing then at some point time has to be called.
 
I personally wouldn't sit down and have a chat - people who take advantage like that rarely take kindly to being told they are doing so.

I also wouldn't offer any apology or explanation, a simple 'can't today :)' would be all they would get from me. Once they've received that a few times in a row they might get the message. Be prepared for them to get annoyed, but I doubt there is anything you can do to avoid that, but if they did it gives you the opportunity to point out that they shouldn't be relying on you and point out that she is more suited to full livery.
 
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