Am I Being Too Harsh??

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StormyGale

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Ill try and keep it short here - bit of background I have recently moved to a new place with private arena and stables with just me and a neighbour on (amazing!! so happy!) now this neighbour thought it would be nice to get a horse since i had one (plenty of money went and got one!) - a sweet little cob (can be a bit of a so and so but not nasty or dangerous) however i have, since moving there become the agony aunt, instructor - all round yard manager etc. now dont' get me wrong i have no problem helping her out/advising etc. she is novicey but really willing to learn and listens just wants to do her best. the other day she asked if id go through a few basics with her husband on her ploddy cob as he wants to learn to ride, now. . . he is total opposite to her wont listen, despite just getting on the poor horse wants to learn to canter when he cant hold the reins correctly - insisted on kicking said horse into trot when he cannot even steer properly yet, she asked me what she thought and i said he would obviously need more lessons but if its something he wants to do thats nice, she asked me if i thought he would be ok to hack out while she rode a friends horse and i said i didn't think he was ready for that. . . fast forward got a call yesterday woman in tears as husband in strop - they went out on a hack and horse stopped refused to move forward ( i suspect he was holding reins very tight as he is not balanced) and she said they had had to turn around as said horse kicked his back legs out in frustration and she said that her husband now wants one more lesson in order to get back his 'confidence'. I have said that confidence is not the only thing he is lacking and despite me advising that it wouldn't be a good idea they went ahead and hacked anyway - now its her horse and i do not expect her to take what i say as gospel, i know some people take kids out all the time lead reining etc. but i have told her that he seriously needs to learn basic skills before going out on the road - (we have a lot of crossroads near us with fast traffic and my heart just sinks at the thought of someone not being in control enough to stop their horse) - dont' get me wrong i have no problem giving him advice in the arena but i just don't think its safe on the roads ?? also she has now asked that i ride said horse to get it to go on the hack they were supposed to go on as he has now stopped even with her at this point where they turned around :rolleyes: funny that
Anyway am i being harsh in telling this lady that her husband really shouldn't be out on a horse hacking or do you think that i am just being over pedantic and that everyone has to start somewhere??? advice please sorry its an SA!!!
 
I don't think you're being harsh - just sensible. Next time you see her just casually mention that your sure she has 3rd party liability insurance (and her husband) but obviously if they don't they should get some. And then just leave it at that.

At the end of the day you've been asked for advice, its been ignored, and you're still being asked for advice.

Just tell her you don't want to fall out with her, but that you don't want to give any more advice on the husband and his riding.
 
Have you tried talking quietly and on your own to the lady, and point out the difference between her attitude and her husband's - without insulting him, but say that learning to ride and about horses takes years and you don't think he is prepared to put in the slow patient work required. Unless he can change this you can't go ahead and teach him anything more - then leave it with her to break the news to him as best she can. It's not your job to deal with someone else's husband's strops.

Otherwise plead your heavy workload / children / other horses / whatever you need to say that you simply don't have time to give free lessons/hacks and they should pay a professional. They may listen to a pro with more respect and politeness, even though they are saying just the same as you.

Hope it doesn't make your life at the yard difficult.
 
Thanks AmyMay/Abacus

- Ive talked to her and basically said that if you are going out on the road whether or not he feels he is capable they need to be covered by insurance she said that they were and that they wouldn't dream of going without any - i also explained that just bcause insurance is there if he doesn't know how to ride its not just him who is in danger and on top of it all not fair on the horse. It really annoys me sometimes when people think that they can just throw the world and his wife on a horse because its 'quiet'. sorry ranting! lol

Abacus - i think because I showjump up to a fairly high level and am qualified to teach they feel my 'pro' knowledge is enough (although I may take your advice and suggest they ask elsewhere around for another point of view if they aren't happy with what i said - also i haven't taught for a while (not that you forget) but i mainly showjump my own now and although i don't have an issue helping like you said i dont' want to end up being glorified free teacher because im there - I just wanted to check that i hadn't got too much above myself and fogetting everyone has to learn and start somewhere but at the same time i just felt what i was saying really isn't putting him down just that he'd be better off learning to walk before he runs so to speak! thanks both of you - im going to have to just put my foot down gently but firmly and its that old saying as well i guess you can't tell someone who wont listen and i dont want to be 'that' person that thrusts advice on someone. Ill just be honest and firm and then what they do is up to them i guess! it is annoying though feel sorry for the pony :rolleyes: thanks guys least it wasnt just me thinking that.
 
The difficult part is that if they continue to hack you'll be worried every time they may have an accident. Sadly there's nothing more you can do... hopefully their very sensible-sounding horse will refuse to go, and they will have to go back to basics.
 
I think the best thing to do is get them the telephone numbers of some local freelance instructors, and advise they contact them.

Takes the pressure off you a bit as far as riding lessons go, so should make your day to day relationship a bit easier.
 
Abacus said:
The difficult part is that if they continue to hack you'll be worried every time they may have an accident. Sadly there's nothing more you can do... hopefully their very sensible-sounding horse will refuse to go, and they will have to go back to basics.
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Lol that did make me chuckle poor pony will probably start refusing to left yard - at least that way i won't have to worry lol - sorry shouldnt laugh - thats true just have to take a back seat now.
 
ihatework said:
I think the best thing to do is get them the telephone numbers of some local freelance instructors, and advise they contact them.

Takes the pressure off you a bit as far as riding lessons go, so should make your day to day relationship a bit easier.
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sounds like a really good idea to me IHW ill do that i think i know a few people and maybe if their paying them they'll listen a little more! :rolleyes: after that hopefully like you say they'll be less likely to ask me.
 
amymay said:
I don't think you're being harsh - just sensible. Next time you see her just casually mention that your sure she has 3rd party liability insurance (and her husband) but obviously if they don't they should get some. And then just leave it at that.

At the end of the day you've been asked for advice, its been ignored, and you're still being asked for advice.

Just tell her you don't want to fall out with her, but that you don't want to give any more advice on the husband and his riding.
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This.

If she asks for lessons advise that you wouldn't be insured if something went wrong (unless you are!) and don't like to mix business and pleasure and don't think it's suitable to be teaching a friend, an independant instructor would be better suited to this.

Also in the riding. Thanks but no thanks. I don't have insurance for this/I have my own and not enough time to ride more/I think an independant view would be more suitable.

Heavy influence on the fact that she's a friend so you wouldn't want to mix work ;)
 
ihatework said:
I think the best thing to do is get them the telephone numbers of some local freelance instructors, and advise they contact them.

Takes the pressure off you a bit as far as riding lessons go, so should make your day to day relationship a bit easier.
Click to expand...

^^^^^ This. Also say that you are not insured to give lesson's I had to say this once to someone I know.

Good luck, and no not harsh at all :)
 
PandorasJar said:
This.

If she asks for lessons advise that you wouldn't be insured if something went wrong (unless you are!) and don't like to mix business and pleasure and don't think it's suitable to be teaching a friend, an independant instructor would be better suited to this.

Also in the riding. Thanks but no thanks. I don't have insurance for this/I have my own and not enough time to ride more/I think an independant view would be more suitable.

Heavy influence on the fact that she's a friend so you wouldn't want to mix work ;)
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I like your way of thinking PJ i am insured but actually they do not know that I am so at the risk of being a little mean i could just say that im unsure if im covered and suggest nicely someone i know that would be more than happy to do this ?? and the time things isn't a lie i have a 3 year old that im doing lots of ground work with and is getting to critical stage where i don't want to stop making progress with him because of sorting out other peoples 'messed' up horses - so i think i shall do that and get those numbers sorted pronto and lay low with all the lights off in my house and do horses under cover of darkness for next week or so lol
 
I'd advise them to:
1. Get a lesson or 2 at local RS (then they might find how out of their depth they are)
2.They then get transport & take own horse for lesson (or more ;) ) with same RS
3. Then get an instructor out to yard to help carry on the lessons learnt.

Best of british tho, its hard when you get a scenario like that!! :rolleyes:
 
The Xmas Furry said:
I'd advise them to:
1. Get a lesson or 2 at local RS (then they might find how out of their depth they are)
2.They then get transport & take own horse for lesson (or more ;) ) with same RS
3. Then get an instructor out to yard to help carry on the lessons learnt.

Best of british tho, its hard when you get a scenario like that!! :rolleyes:
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OOh yes thats true a couple of local riding schools are well known for being 'blunt' and to the point shall we say - one of the reasons why i have just found out, her husband didnt go for lessons!! lol i think the freelance instructor to her yard would be good - would be entertaining to watch someone else deal with the constant 'yeah i knows' that keep coming at you when the guy clearly doesn't know !! Id give someone about 3 weeks before they despaired totally lol
 
For the welfare and safety of the pony because if its starts refusing it might start being whipped, wouldnt it be kinder to just give a few basic lessons, but stop the sweet talk and start the talk, if you know what i mean. If you are qualified and experienced then put your foot down hard.
 
It sounds like the husband rules the roost so I would put it to her from the horses point of view:

- He needs to walk before trotting and trot before cantering, so the horse can warm up. Or it may pull a muscle then nobody can ride it.

- He needs to learn balance, beccause if he uses the reins for balance the horse will become hard mouthed and will walk out in front of cars instead of stopping.

- Due to husbands inexperienced riding, the horse is already becoming difficult. Eventually she won't be able to ride it herself. It's not practical for you to reschool the horse every time he has ridden it.

- If he ruins the horse, she can sell it (at a loss) and buy a new one, but he'll only ruin that one too.

Maybe by giving it to her straight she'll see that she'll end up with no horse if he carries on as he is. He may not care much about the horse but is likely to care about constantly having to pay out for a new one!

For the lessons I would put a D handle on the front of the saddle, a breastplate on the horse for a neckstrap (which won't bruise husbands pride as much as an actual neckstrap). I'd also use a Worcester noseband or Micklem bridle, so there is limited pressure on the bit before pressure is transferred to the nose, which will at least help protect the horses mouth. I'd get him on the lunge, rising trot with no reins and canter in the forward seat. He'll only have a minimum of balance so he'll fall off sooner or later, but if he's in too much of a hurry to learn properly he'll have to put up with that. Some people don't care about riding properly.
 
StormyGale said:
fast forward got a call yesterday woman in tears as husband in strop - they went out on a hack and horse stopped refused to move forward ( i suspect he was holding reins very tight as he is not balanced) and she said they had had to turn around as said horse kicked his back legs out in frustration and she said that her husband now wants one more lesson in order to get back his 'confidence'.
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Maybe now he's realised how incompetent he is, he might be more inclined to listen to you?

(I probably still wouldn't be bothered though, sounds like more trouble then its worth. Assuming you're not a qualified instructor, I'd decline citing insurance issues or some such and leave them to it. But I'm mean like that.)
 
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