Am I being unreasonable ...advice please

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Ink splotch

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Apologies first off as this could get long. Also I am a regular user posting under a new profile as there are people on here who know the people in question.

Okay, so a little background..... I have a sharer for my horse. Mostly to ensure he gets ridden plenty as he is a good doer and with work commitments etc I struggle to ride more than 3 to 4 days a week on average. I do accept a small financial contribution which is a bonus and helps out with costs but is around half of what the going rate seems to be in my area. In the past I have struggled to find good reliable sharers who are right for my boy.

So a couple of months back I was looking for a new sharer as the previous one moved on. I have a friend who knows my horse well and has helped me with him in the past. This person is not in a position to have their own horse and has shared horses for some years. I was worried that as we both have strong personalities the share could cause issues between us, but we are both adults and we both said at the beginning we would talk about any issues arising.

I feel that I am quite generous and trusting with my boy. The new sharer knows him well and I trust her to look after him. I have made it plain from the beginning that I am happy for her to take him out on her days to do some walk and trot or prelim dressage, hacking or small showjumping locally (my boy is quite young and being brought on gradually) and can have use of my trailer to take my horse out (as long as she is fully insured) . I have also put in the contract that she is to have some lessons with my instructor to ensure consistency for the horse.

So sounds ideal? Well I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I am finding the share quite hard.

The sharer asked if she could take my boy out doing XC. I have been working on fitness and jumping at home and want to go out doing XC schooling before competing, even at a very small level, so I basically said no, he's not ready yet

The sharer then asked if she could take him for a lesson with a different well know instructor. I reluctantly agreed as a one off but made it clear I want her to have lessons with my instructor.

Now my sharer keeps making veiled hints that I should be feeding my horse differently. I don't feed at all in the summer as my boy is a good doer and we move to a fresh paddock every 4 weeks. I have had no issues with energy being lacking, but in the past when grass was lacking I did feed a small feed of chaff and lo cal balancer to aid energy. My sharer keeps saying that the horse doesn't have enough energy to work properly, but I have been jumping and hacking tonight with no problems.

The problem is that I am used to a sharer who will turn up, go for a hack and compete only when I make the offer. I find having such a proactive sharer quite challenging and I feel like I just want to go "look, this is my horse, my rules! End of"

I will probably word it a bit more softly i.e."I appreciate that you want to have input, but you also have to understand that different people have different opinions and ways of doing things when it comes to horses. In this instance, although you might not agree, we have to go with my way of doing things"

I think we are going to get together for a chat next week, but am I being unreasonable? How would you handle it?Is this just early days teething problems? Don't forget that this person is a good friend, and regardless of the outcome I would like to stay friends in the future.
 
No not unreasonable it is your horse your rules. It always worth listening to other people but you are not obliged to act on their suggestions At the end of the day it is always your final say and if they dont like it they dont have to continue with the share Their choice
 
This, unfortunately is the reason I could never share horses. I am quite particular about how i want things done, and deep down, I guess i am a bit of a control freak. I totally understand where you are coming from, it your horse, tey are expensive things to keep and you dont want him ruined.

However, there are two difficult issues. 1) You mention that she is your friend. Always dodgy terriotry and in my experience tends to lead towards fallings out. 2) This person is paying her way. I know you mention that its less than what others might ask for, but she is still paying. If you told her that she could compete, then this is what she will want to do.

I get that her being enthusiastic is a bit of a shock compared to what youre obviously used to, but once a few ground rules have been set, she sounds like an ideal person to share with and to get a bit of 'mileage' onto your horse

Could a comprimise not be reached re: the XC schooling- why dont you offer to take her schooling somewhere, then let her compete in a baby hunter trial somewhere?
With regards to the instructor- I personally would be a bit put off if someone stipulated who I could and couldnt have lessons with- after all we all have our favourite instructors that we get on with. Why dont you let her have a lesson, but ask if you could watch?
 
No you are not, as you say he belongs to you and being ridden 3/4 days a week isn't all that bad you know and asking a good friend to ride your horse well, as you are finding out, you may have to either get rid of the horse or your friend. :(
 
I don't think you are unreasonable. It is great that she is enthusiastic, but I think you're softly phrased approach needs to be said. A sharer shouldn't feel like a problem to you.
Hope you manage to clear the air with no awkwardness.
 
I don't understand why you didn't want your friend/sharer to take the horse to a xc comp. If you had discussed it I expect that she would have told you that she wasn't going to go for a fast time and that she would be using the comp as a schooling opportunity. I can only imagine that you particularly wanted to be the first person who rides him xc. I'm wondering if you think perhaps she is a better rider than you and you possibly resent that?
Ultimately, of course, the horse is yours and you will decide who rides him and where and when but perhaps you shouldn't be asking for a financial contribution in that case.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
I'm wondering if you think perhaps she is a better rider than you and you possibly resent that?
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Have you just read that off your magic 8 ball? How you have got that from this thread I will never know.

If you dont have anything nice to say, then dont say anything at all.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
I don't understand why you didn't want your friend/sharer to take the horse to a xc comp. If you had discussed it I expect that she would have told you that she wasn't going to go for a fast time and that she would be using the comp as a schooling opportunity. I can only imagine that you particularly wanted to be the first person who rides him xc. I'm wondering if you think perhaps she is a better rider than you and you possibly resent that?
Ultimately, of course, the horse is yours and you will decide who rides him and where and when but perhaps you shouldn't be asking for a financial contribution in that case.
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There s no question she is a better rider than me, and I happily let her take him out doing dressage before I did. My reason is that before she started sharing I had a plan mapped out as to how to get him ready to go out doing xc. The reason I hadn't taken him out xc is that I didn't feel he was ready in a number of respects, therefore I would not take him xc and why would I let someone else do what I would not do myself. I don't think xc is like dressage where it doesn't matter is it goes wrong. Ultimately I didn't want my horse to get injured through impatience

I explained my reasons to my sharer but still felt she resented my decision
 
Dusty85 said:
If you told her that she could compete, then this is what she will want to do.

Could a comprimise not be reached re: the XC schooling- why dont you offer to take her schooling somewhere, then let her compete in a baby hunter trial somewhere?

With regards to the instructor- I personally would be a bit put off if someone stipulated who I could and couldnt have lessons with- after all we all have our favourite instructors that we get on with. Why dont you let her have a lesson, but ask if you could watch?
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I am happy for her to go out competing, doing those things that we have already done, or that I think he is ready to do. She has free rein on dressage up to prlim and showing, showjumping etc

I also told her I am happy for us to go out and do some xc schooling

In terms of the instructor, I just don't want the two of us doing different things with the horse. He is young and green and in my opinion needs some consistency. This was in my contract which was agreed to.

At the start I made it plain that I have plans for my horse. I am happy for her to have a fairly free rein as long as we are both singing from the same hymn sheet and nothing she does has a negative impact on what I am working towards.
 
Dusty85 said:
Have you just read that off your magic 8 ball? How you have got that from this thread I will never know.
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No. I have a lot of experience, not only of horses but also of people and am good at reading between the lines. And if you read the quote below you will see that I was correct.

Ink splotch said:
There s no question she is a better rider than me, and I happily let her take him out doing dressage before I did.



I explained my reasons to my sharer but still felt she resented my decision
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In that case perhaps she is the wrong sharer for your horse, which is a pity, as it sounds as if he would benefit from being ridden by her but it's no good if it makes you unhappy.
 
To me, OP, it sounds as though you have pretty much made your mind up- her resistance to your way of doing things even though she knew the score when she signed on the dotted line makes you worry.

Its your horse and you'll have your own way of doing things, therefore find someone else, or try another way where you dont have to share, but yet he gets more exercise- either by you or by yard staff etc
 
Pearlsasinger said:
No. I have a lot of experience, not only of horses but also of people and am good at reading between the lines. And if you read the quote below you will see that I was correct.

.
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You were right that she is a better rider but completely wrong that I resent the fact. I have benefited from her help in schooling and jumping.

I think what I resent it that if I make a decision , and explain my reasons I feel that it is still being questioned.
 
Op I know where you are coming from I shared with someone who I just felt that their fun came before my horses well being. They were always wanting to canter or jump and they weren't afraid to keep pestering me about things so in the end I had to cut them off. I felt like the horse was no longer my own and the sharer was trying to take decisions away from me. I now feel like a weight has been lifted and I can progress how I want when I want .
 
I don't think you're being unreasonable. I am a sharer myself and have shared a few while I am studying as I cant afford my own. As a sharer you have to accept that the owner calls the shots, even if you disagree with it. Its part of the privilege of owning. There are some things I would change if my share horse was my own (nothing major) but I would never mention it as it is up to his owner how he is cared for and I go on her instructions. I guess if I was really unhappy I'd discuss it with her, but if no agreement could be made I'd either accept or find a different set up with possibly a new horse.
 
In the past I have struggled to find good reliable sharers who are right for my boy.


I think the above comment you make is the most important. It is very very hard to find a sharer at the moment and especially one that can actually ride (as so many boast about their riding skills but, in truth, are very novice), also as you say you have work commitments and with the winter approaching (horrible to think of winter coming!), you shall probably appreciate having her more than ever. It is difficult, and within reason, as the owner of the horse, have every right to want rules in place but, I would love to find a sharer (especially in the winter times) who was a competent rider and reliable. I would even waiver the contribution, if I could find the right one.
 
I think you are being a 'tad' difficult. I don't think it's reasonable for you to insist on your own instructor, and I don't think it's reasonable to dismiss her concerns over feeding, just because you dont feel there's an issue.

Conceivably this horse is working quite hard, and there comes a point when grass is not enough.

If you are confident in her as a rider, and not someone who would be reckless with your horse, I also can't see the issue with her having done some xc schooling.

However if all you're interested in is having someone ride the horse totally under your direction, then you may be better off just paying someone to exercise rather than have a sharer.

Out of interest what is the horses age and breeding?
 
RE the instructor, could you not go and watch this other instructor? It could be both instructors are teaching the same, but us humans being all individual and such like, maybe your friend just understands one better than the other? I've been in those situations before, 2 instructors teaching the same stuff at the same level, one it just wouldn't get through to me and could have been talking french, the other it made perfect sense!
 
I dont think you are being unreasonable but unless you either get rid of the sharer or sit down and have a frank discussion I do think the relationship will break down and you will end up so uhappy that even when they present a suggestion and reasonable arguement for a change you will be so resistant that you wont listen

the sharer needs to understand that your word is the last word but also they need to trust that your word is for the benefit of the horse
 
I have sympathy for this sharer .
Although OP owns the horse the clue is in what it's called a share so the other persons views especially as she is clearly very experianced should be considered .
On feeding I have two grooms and I give a lot of thought and wieght to their ideas and views about the horses and I am paying them.
I think paying to share means you ought within certain sensible limits be able to pick your own training , especially if you are a compentant rider.
I think OP needs to consider if a sharer of this standard is what she wants it may be this is not for her and she should look for a happy hacker or pay someone to ride the horse when she can't do so if you pay someone it easy to call the shots .
If I where her I would count myself lucky that I have found someone compentant and keen to share my horse .
Commucation is key I think. OP only had to say about the XC competition was no , I don't like starting them like that I am going to take him schooling and that would be that.
 
I don't think your feelings are unusual nor do I think you are being unreasonable to set out reasoned limitations of your share. I've been on both sides and I've actually found it more difficult to be the sharer rather than the owner as I had no real say in the management of the horse.

However it is all about compromise in these relationships and whether or not there is an overall benefit to both parties but also what is best for your horse. Some things you have to let go others need to be discussed. You get your horse exercised by a competent person whom you say you trust, she gets a nice horse without any personal liability for anything that might happen to him generally or as a result of anything she may do (e.g. pulls a tendon doing XC) regardless of whether or not she makes a small financial contribution. She also needs to be sensitive to your needs and feelings because she gets something out of this too and if she were really marvellous I'm sure people would be paying her to ride their horses.

You need to revisit your agreement and decide if it is still working and don't be dismissive of suggestions but have a discussion about them like adults and if you are not taking them on board because of good reasons then give those reasons rather than "my horse, my rules" which always sounds a bit childish imo.
 
Sharing a horse is so difficult. I'd hate it and would probably feel the same as you do now. However as the sharer is a good rider I'd be inclined to relax some of the rules.
You could get another sharer that follows all the rules and never questions your requests, but they might not be as good a rider and ruin the horse
 
I have just ended a share (I'm the sharer) as I find it very difficult to do things another persons way if its not similar to how I'd do it. It's their horse and they call the shots.

I learnt this as I used to share a horse with a girl who was more novice than me, well a bit. Not much in it really. I had lessons with her instructor and clicked with her horse really well. I was very enthusiastic and I didn't realise that she struggled with my being this way. She ended the share as she didn't feel like he was her horse any more. I felt awful and totally appreciated how she must have felt. I just got carried away. I'm not saying I'm a wonder horse trainer but I think I was good for him, but it was her horse and she resented me for getting on well with him so she ended it. It's why I never shared my horse when I had one and why I've decided not to carry on sharing now. I'm sticking to schoolmaster lessons instead, although its much more expensive, and then I'll buy when I can afford it when daughter goes to school.

You might be able to save this share op with a good chat. If you're still not sure then end it. Your horse your rules!!
 
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I feel like a bit of a cow when I tell my sharer stuff and she's questioned me about various things, more from lack of knowledge than trying to challenge me. However, for the sake of my horse and his well being, she has to abide by what I want.

If your horse is very young, I think I would want him to have some hard feed to ensure correct growth etc.
 
I think you are being a bit unreasonable in some respects. I don't think you're unreasonable to say "my horse, my rules", particularly wrt management and feed. I also think it's reasonable to want to be the first person to ride your horse xc - I would too, regardless of whether your sharer is better or not (unless you are actually incapable of doing so, which would be different!).

However I think it's not unreasonable of her to ask if she can take him competing / xc / whatever, provided she takes your answer gracefully without question.

I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect her to use your instructor - some combinations do not gel. This would be a deal breaker for me - I'm really selective about instructors! An instructor who teaches along roughly similar lines (especially relevant if yours teaches to a particular school of thought) is reasonable though.

Sharing is all about give and take - there will be elements of compromise and letting little niggles slide (like asking to compete when you'd rather she waited to be offered) but it's also acceptable to put your foot down about other things (like feed management). Mind you, I say from no experience at all, since I do not share - because I don't like to give up any rights with my horses!


eta - pet hate of mine is competing xc without schooling first. Why would you do that?! Mental... But I still don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask, or for you to reject ;)
 
Ive been a sharer and been told what I could and couldn't do and I followed all the rules as it wasn't my horse. Admittedly I was quite a novice at the time so certainly didn't ride better or know much, but as a sharer I agreed with the owners wishes all the way. I now have my own and bar letting a friend ride her once a week to help me out a few years ago I knew I couldn't have a sharer because I'd hate having to lay the law down or think someone wasn't treating my baby like I would treat her even if I had asked them to. I do feel as the owner you have every right to demand what you want. But then if sharers are hard to come by and you do rely on one then maybe some compromise is needed? Its a tough situ but the care of your horse it the most important and if you know your friend provides this to a high enough standard maybe you can work on the rest? ;-)
 
I'd go out for a drink or a coffee and have a chat with her about it. She may not realise how it's making you feel.

I now share my best friend's boy as mine can't jump any more and his (my horse's) stopping due to foot problems has wrecked my confidence jumping.

He's a star, she's a better rider than me but doesn't have time to do much with him due to two small kids. Had he not been the superstar he is, she would have sold him but she knew she'd never replace him so we have this arrangement. There are times when it's hard. If she were around more she would be doing a lot more than I do. She was doing BN and Discovery before the kids. I prefer eventing but only did my first BE80 last month after 4 years of sharing him, and I'm sure me being such a wuss frustrates her when she knows how good he is. But she'd rather see him cared for and doing something than in a field wasted.

In the same way, I feel quite inadequate, when she turns up at a competition and jumps on him after I've reached my limit to do a bigger class, having barely ridden him in weeks and not jumped for a year! I don't resent it for one second though as I wouldn't be doing it at all on any other horse. He's the only one I trust now. If you're such good friends you'll find a way that works for you both. It's never perfect, but it can work with a few compromises.
 
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