Am I being unreasonable ...advice please

QR- Haven't read all the replies.

I have just recently gone from being an owner to a soon to be sharer! I shared in the past many years ago and NEVER then and certainly not now have/will I ever be bolshy or pushy when it comes to someone elses horse!!

I would probably feel ridiculously cheeky asking if I could take a horse somewhere and if I did and the owner said no I would absolutely respect that. Also the trainer of their choice, although to be fair a one-off lesson from someone else well known/respected shouldn't in theory do too much harm but still.

I feel for you as it's an awkward situation with her being a friend too. But no, I don't think you're being unreasonable.
 
Think its a 50/50 here

Dont agree with the instructor part as what works for one doesnt work for another- but provided the level of training for horse is appropriate it wont hurt- and really you want your horse to be rideable, not just ridden by you.

Again with XC perhaps offering to go schooling would solve that- Agreed with JFTD why would you go competing with out schooling??!!! And selfishily I would want to be the first :D

Also if you horse is young/green good nutrition is very important to support muscle development so perhaps the feeding could be looked at?

Hope you solve it as sounds like you have a good deal here!
 
I agree with you on the instructor. A four year old should not be getting conflicting messages and having two riders with different instructors is likely to result in that.

I agree with you about the food. If he has the right energy levels for you then he does not need hard food. People feed far too much grain these days and it causes all sorts of problems.

I think you've probably made a mistake sharing with a more experienced friend. I also think she's pushing her luck and breaking your agreement.
 
I think shes pushing her luck and is being too domineering. Your offer to let her borrow your trailer for some comps is overly generous and has perhaps given her the wrong idea that she is doing you a massive favour. Cross country is a massive thing to start for a young horse and should be done at the perfect time under the perfect conditions, controlled by you. Perhaps your horse is lacking in energy if young and also ridden by a sharer though and could do with more high energy feed? I know I keep my horses in a couple of nights before shows to feed them haylage because even rich grass on its own doesn't give them enough oomph. But it probably won't do any harm.

I don't think I'd share a young horse anyway. The point in having a young horse is to bring them on yourself, spend loads of time with them and train them in the ways which are best to you.
 
Hi everyone

Thanks for all the advice and opinions! It's hard to get all the relevant information in to put things in context but just to clarify a few points.

The horse isn't really a baby, Young yes but just more green than anything. Fully grown anyway.

This is our second summer together and before I had him he had just been backed and turned away. As a result of being stood in a field eating he was very fat when I got him and my farrier found some evidence of past lami when he first came out to him. Since then he has lost a lot of weight and the lami has been kept at bay, but this summer I have struggled to keep the weight off him and he really needs to lose weight. I am working him as much as possible but this still only amounts to an hour six days a week at most including a mixture of hacking, jumping and schooling so only in light work really. However, my farrier has advised not to feed hard feed when there is decent grass and I haven't experienced any energy issues as a result of this in the past couple of months. If I had I would have included a small feed of chaff and lo cal balancer.

Other weight management measures such as a grazing muzzle are being used to manage the weight.

Although I would say the sharer is a better rider than me this is not a massive difference. I am by no means a novice rider or owner and I don't feel that my sharer is at a level where I would pay her to school my horse.

I have no issues with my sharer going xc schooling. It's competing without schooling that I have an issue with. There is no rush.

In terms of instructor - my sharer signed in the share agreement that she would have at least 2 lessons with my instructor at the start of the share to establish some continuity. The share is still new and due to holiday etc we haven't managed to sort this yet, but she has not yet had any lessons with my instructor to see whether she gets on with her or not. The sharer has also never had a lesson with the other instructor so doesn't know whether she would get on with that instructor either.
 
Personally and having been sharer and owner (thankfully been in the lucky position to be an owner for most of my horsey life) she signed on the dotted line which lays out what she can do with your horse. However she feels now she has to accept this, advice over feeding etc is always worth a discussion but IMO the xc and instructor issues are black and white. (ESP with a young horse she should understand your sensible approach. Your horse your rules as some above said. Good luck :)
 
Other horsey people always think they know better, even if the reason you are doing something is well thought out and yours are. Being northern I would be completely straight with her, you have told the reasons why you want something doing this way and if she doesn't like it the share come to an end. Now that seems tough but better that than you have a real falling out in the middle of winter with harsh things said and the end of the friendship, if you sort something out now it will just be a blip.
I loan out my ponies and the amount of time the pony come back with different bits and no shoes when I want them shod even though they have signed a contract and it has been discussed, they just have to fiddle .
 
It doesn't sound like either of you are being unreasonable - I can see both sides and a good conversation should sort things out.

Not sure I agree though with those who have said that it's your horse and therefore your rules. Obviously the final decision is yours, but I rather like a more communal approach to owning and training. You might be an expert in one area, but she might know more about something else - I'm always glad to get any advice or opinions, even if ultimately I end up disregarding them. But then, my current horses are all works in progress, and I'm grateful for any help I get!
 
It doesn't sound like either of you are being unreasonable - I can see both sides and a good conversation should sort things out.

Not sure I agree though with those who have said that it's your horse and therefore your rules. Obviously the final decision is yours, but I rather like a more communal approach to owning and training. You might be an expert in one area, but she might know more about something else - I'm always glad to get any advice or opinions, even if ultimately I end up disregarding them. But then, my current horses are all works in progress, and I'm grateful for any help I get!
 
I have sympathy for your situation OP but this is the reason I would not personally be able to cope with a share - I would rather pay someone else to ride my horse, on my terms, when it suits me and my horse. I think if you have a sharer, whilst you can expect that they should respect your rules and treat your horse as you would, they will also have expectations and if yours and theirs do not match it can lead to tension. A good honest discussion is the best way forward IMHO and if it ends up with you ending or changing (eg she stops paying) the arrangement then so be it. good luck - hope it works out for you.
 
Its difficult because i can see both points of view.

Its your horse, you want to do thing with him and are carefully manageing his future and timetable.

Sharer wants to treat the horse as her own and do things with it. Understandable.

I think you hav eto look at it as, how much the sharer contrubutes finacially and physically.



The dont pay a fair share, not an actual representaion of what is cost sto have a horse so in that case share should shut up and go by your rules.

But you need a sharer to keep the horse fit.

So really a good chat is needed!
 
Hi everyone

Just thought I would do a quick update on this as the situation seems to have resolved itself.

When we sat down to talk the friend/sharer had already decided it wasn't going to work and basically gave me notice. Although I feel a bit miffed about the reasons given and I feel a bit messed about, I think it's probably for the best and I'm feeling much happier.... especially as someone else suitable seems to have turned up just at the right moment.

The reasons given were that my boy is not yet ready to compete to the level my friend wants to. I did challenge my friend who knew this horse (and his capabilities) very well before agreeing to share in the first place. The answer to why this was suddenly an issue was that my friend wanted to educate my horse her way, and as I have hinted at in earlier posts we have very different ideas about how to progress him.

Oh well, lesson learned and I'm sure our friendship will survive. I guess I was listening to my head more than my instinct when I agreed to share him with her in the first place. Next time I will definitely go with my instinct.
 
Much better to stop amicably than to loose a friend because she did something you didn't want. Take her reasons at face value, as she has probably worried about how to terminate the share without offendng you. This way there is no ill feeling & you are free to move onto an arrangement that doesn't have the friendship element built in to complicate it.
 
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