Am I being unreasonable to sell daughters pony?

[Jaffa]

Long story short, horses are my hobby and she has always been around them. Any interest from her was driven by her, she asked to start riding lessons 2 years ago, I let her have the odd one to see if she liked it, she did but as any 8yr old can be she was a bit fickle.
She stopped going but after a break asked to go again, so every week (sometimes fortnightly) except a 5 week break over the Christmas period she had a group lesson.
During this time we acquired a pony, she was green and last year did some out of character things but they disappeared as soon as they arrived.
With the nice weather returning I noticed at lessons she was just following the leader and spent a lot of time day dreaming - I think she prefers the seaside donkey type ride. Decided it was a waste of money to pay out for more lessons (£35 a go!) as after a year she will not let go of the monkey strap at a trot, she drops the reins completely and just let's someone leading do the work, suggestions to get her off lead are met with a 'No, I'm too scared. '
She's a Very risk averse kid who does get nervous riding, fine.
Pony is absolutely fine on a LR, but I started to make a note of when she was actively asking to ride - it's been 3 times since March. Rest of the time has been me suggesting it, even then she'll get up but get bored and want to go run around the field instead.
So after a chat with her I said pony needs to be doing something as she is expensive to keep, if she doesn't want to ride it's cool. Tears and promises to ride more often were forthcoming to keep her.
Went to field this morning, no interest from the child. Zilch. She ran off to go look at something else whilst I fed pony. 🙄

So now I'm thinking it's not much point keeping her, child will devour all pony books, magazines, horse games (Star Stable anyone?) but the real life one.... Hmm.

To make it fair I'm giving it a month. If she asks to ride for than 3 times that's enough interest for me. But would I be mean to call it a day at the end of June in time for school holidays and just sell her if child doesn't ask to ride?

 

[AmyMay]

Does she enjoy generally petting the pony. Grooming etc?

 

[Jaffa]

Sometimes, most of the time she gives her a hug but will rarely brush her. This is down to me not brushing regularly though as pony lives out.

 

[cobgoblin]

Hard to tell if its just nervousness or disinterest that's holding her back.
If she's never come off the lead rein, then perhaps boredom as well plays a part.
Does she have any friends that ride? Or do you know any children that would come over and ride the pony with her... Nothing like a bit of peer inspired bravery at that age.

 

[oldie48]

TBH 3 times in a month wouldn't be enough for me but I'm quite strict about these things. I'd sell the pony. Riding scares a lot of children. I was giving a neighbour's child lessons on my companion pony and it was a real uphill battle, if we had a bit of a trot on the lead rein, she'd cry and say her tummy hurt. She was having lessons at a local RS with girls she knew and she wasn't that keen to go to those either. Her Mum whom I like very much seemed to be the one who wanted her to ride (not a comparison to you) so I just said leave it until she asks to come over and ride. She never did! My daughter, (on the other hand) at the same age wanted off the lead rein asap and couldn't be kept away. She'd ride in any weather and every day given the opportunity. It's too expensive a hobby to keep on with unless a child is quite keen.

 

[be positive]

It does seem that she is not really interested but as an instructor who has dealt with similar children I wonder if the lessons have not engaged her, built her confidence or achieved very much to help her enjoy the riding.
I would not have an 8 year old on the lead at any time, if they needed to be under my control they would be on the lunge, no reins, no stirrups, doing a variety of exercises to build up confidence as well as ability, children need to enjoy riding in order to progress but if they make no progress it can be hard to enjoy so maybe a different instructor for a few weeks would be worth looking into to see if a fresh approach can get her more enthusiastic.

 

[Jaffa]

She was 8 when she started but is 10 now 😳

 

[Leandy]

No you wouldn't be mean. If she isn't interested in riding, and isn't interested in helping to look after the pony then she isn't engaged in this at all. I would sell the pony. A "green" pony is not right as a first pony for a child anyway. Tell her you will happily take her to a riding school if she wants to ride once the pony has another child to love it. Then I'd give it a break. She can always come back to it later if she wants to. If she does want to ride later I would find a different riding school though. This one doesn't seem to be actually teaching her to ride or engaging her at all! Perhaps she will come back to it, perhaps she won't but it does sound as though she has at least given it a good go to see if it suits and currently it frightens her. Would you do something that frightened you?? I feel your disappointment though. Luckily one of my two children is really into it, the other isn't. He sounds very like your daughter, he gave it a go, he had lessons, he had his own pony (the same one his sister started on), he never got beyond rising trot although he did get off the lead, it made him nervous. For a bit he just liked to groom and pat the pony sometimes, swore he liked owning a pony, cried when she went on loan even though he hadn't seen her for 6 months. She came back 9 months later. He wasn't interested at all. The pony has just gone to a new permanent home. He isn't bothered. He admits now that riding just makes him nervous and he doesn't like it.

 

[Leandy]

My son is 11 now, so very similar ages.

 

[Wizzkid]

I know this might be cruel but I’d leave it the month then sell the pony without mentioning it to her. Then when she asks explain why, then if she is really inconsolable look for a share for her maybe?
Actually maybe that’s a bit harsh....
I was sharing a pony for my girls and they lost interest but were upset when I mentioned giving her up so eventually I just stopped without telling them. They did ask to go up a few times but I just put them off and they don’t ask anymore but mine are much younger than yours!

 

[Pearlsasinger]

I don't understand why you bought a green pony for an 8 yr old beginner. I am not really surprised that your daughter is reluctant to ride. Now you have put yourself in the position of having to explain why you feel that you need to find a more suitable home for the pony, *without blaming your daughter in any way*.
It sounds as if she either needs lessons tailored to her needs or a more suitable first pony, if she says that she genuinely is interested in having a pony. Children don't always want to follow their parents' interests

 

[Snitch]

Just me, but I would not offer for her to ride for the next few weeks. I would test out her interest by waiting for her to initiate pony time. If she doesn’t ask, you may have your answer.

 

[Clodagh]

I would sell the pony and make it clear that any time she wants to ride she can have a lesson.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

Just sell. She will hardly notice.

 

[cauda equina]

I had a similar dilemma when my children were small
They weren't keen on riding, or even just being around the pony, but there were tears when I suggested selling her
'How about selling the pony and getting a go-kart?' was met with enthusiasm, so that's what we did
(other bribes are available)

 

[Goldenstar]

Just me, but I would not offer for her to ride for the next few weeks. I would test out her interest by waiting for her to initiate pony time. If she doesn’t ask, you may have your answer.

I would do this and sell with no hesitation.
It’s a huge privilege to have a pony I don’t think kids should have ponies unless they are begging and weeping for one .
Riding is just not for everyone and one of the saddest things in a riding school is to have to teach the nervous child when you know it’s just that scary stuff is not for them .
She might come back to it older some do .

 

[Summit]

I would sell the pony and make it clear that any time she wants to ride she can have a lesson.

My thoughts too. Maybe try again when she’s older although I expect going into her teens she’ll have less interest for horses

 

[Ambers Echo]

Mine lost interest at around 8. I thought it was the pony that was the issue (we were all sharing a 'family pony' who wasn't really right for anyone!) so I loaned one for them who was perfect. But after an initial flurry of enthusiasm they lost interest again. I said 2 or 3 times that if they wanted a pony they needed to look after and ride her. Cue tears and promises which lasted 2-3 weeks at most. So I stopped mentioning going to the yard and after 6 weeks of them not asking a single time to ride, I told them the pony was going. They were briefly upset but they had had enough chances. I was clear that I was not blaming them for losing interest but that it was a huge privilege to have a pony and if they weren't interested enough to look after her properly without nagging they could not keep her. They did understand. They stayed away from riding for about 2 years before beginning to pester for lessons again but since then have been 100% committed.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

A couple of posters have said that it is a huge privilege to have a pony.
I'm afraid it's not if it is one that is bought for you because your parent likes the idea. No more than having a BMX bike bought for you is a privilege if you don't want one.
The difference is that the pony is a living breathing entity, so has to be looked after daily by someone, while a bike can be left in the shed and forgotten about.
Also children can get attached to a pony even if they don't want to ride it, so parting with it can be traumatic for the child and leave the child feeling either bereft or guilty. I do wish parents would think more carefully before buying their child a pony because the parent wants the child to be interested.

 

[Ambers Echo]

Perhaps 'huge responsibility ' is a better phrase.

 

[asmp]

When my daughter lost interest in her early teens I sold the pony and bought one for myself instead! Daughter after a while realised that my one was much more fun than her last one and ended up riding and competing on him.

 

[Jaffa]

Just in my defence slightly, pony wasn't brought for her, I do have more sense than that.

Pony was purchased for companion duties but then this was just 'upgraded' to LR when she showed an interest.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Perhaps 'huge responsibility ' is a better phrase.

There is no reason for the child to feel responsible for a pony that a parent bought because they like the idea/wanted to share their hobby. I agree that any equine is a responsibility - one that the parent must assume even when a child has begged for a pony and is truly enthusiastic about riding and caring for it. No child should be expected to be responsible for the health and welfare of a pony, except in very minor ways, which gradually increase as the child gets older and physically stronger. But imo every pony should have an adult responsible for its care.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Just in my defence slightly, pony wasn't brought for her, I do have more sense than that.

Pony was purchased for companion duties but then this was just 'upgraded' to LR when she showed an interest.

So why would you sell the pony rather than using it for its original job as a companion?

 

[Shilasdair]

Sell the pony, buy a crocodile.
That will teach her to be appreciative. Or perhaps not.

On a serious note - find a better RS - a good one will get even the most nervous, dreamy or disengaged rider engaged.

 

[Shay]

Exactly. If the pony was only a companion the let it go back to being a companion.

Ponies are an odd mix between a hobby for a child and a pet. Its one thing to sell the sports tool they have lost interest in and selling a pet. Plus this is a "pet" the parent is clearly emotionally invested in the child enjoying.

She isn't going to ride. She's 10. She's been on the lead rein since she was 8. This isn't her thing. But it is yours. Please think about what messages you are giving her about how acceptable she is to you. She is at a massively vulnerable age. If you can just return pony to the companion you bought it for and let her find her own interests you'll avoid a lot of emotional baggage and angst. Don't make it a battle you don't have to.

You don't have to "teach her to be appreciative". She doesn't want to do this. You have to let her free to find her own path and her own enjoyments without threatening her, either with the loss of a pet or with the loss of your attention and time.

If it was solely bought for her and you were unable to afford to treat it as a companion the that is a different matter and some difficult conversations might arise. But you bought it as a companion. Just let it go back to that.

 

[alibali]

From a slightly different perspective. My daughter is 8. I purchased a Welsh sect A companion several years before she was born. He did a turn as a lead rein when daughter was aged 2-4 but then she lost confidence. Always aware it's my hobby not hers I didn't push it and pony went back to companion duties. About 8 months ago took daughter to a friend to backstep for her while she drove her cob. Daughter absolutely loved it. Became desperate for me to break pony to drive. She is now as keen as mustard to drive out with me (I'd never driven before) whenever we get the chance. She is also keen to have lessons so she can drive pony herself once he is a bit more experienced. Perhaps there is another route for you to go down? So much better for ponies to have a job, mine has grown in stature now he also gets his share of the limelight!

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Exactly. If the pony was only a companion the let it go back to being a companion.

Ponies are an odd mix between a hobby for a child and a pet. Its one thing to sell the sports tool they have lost interest in and selling a pet. Plus this is a "pet" the parent is clearly emotionally invested in the child enjoying.

She isn't going to ride. She's 10. She's been on the lead rein since she was 8. This isn't her thing. But it is yours. Please think about what messages you are giving her about how acceptable she is to you. She is at a massively vulnerable age. If you can just return pony to the companion you bought it for and let her find her own interests you'll avoid a lot of emotional baggage and angst. Don't make it a battle you don't have to.

You don't have to "teach her to be appreciative". She doesn't want to do this. You have to let her free to find her own path and her own enjoyments without threatening her, either with the loss of a pet or with the loss of your attention and time.

If it was solely bought for her and you were unable to afford to treat it as a companion the that is a different matter and some difficult conversations might arise. But you bought it as a companion. Just let it go back to that.

Perfectly put!

OP you sound as if you are trying to punish either the pony or your daughter, or both, for them not being a good partnership, when in reality that was never likely. I am sure that is not the case, really but do you want to risk giving your daughter that impression?

 

[DSB]

How about leasing or loaning the pony for twelve months or advertising for a rider?

 

[Ambers Echo]

There is no reason for the child to feel responsible for a pony that a parent bought because they like the idea/wanted to share their hobby. I agree that any equine is a responsibility - one that the parent must assume even when a child has begged for a pony and is truly enthusiastic about riding and caring for it. No child should be expected to be responsible for the health and welfare of a pony, except in very minor ways, which gradually increase as the child gets older and physically stronger. But imo every pony should have an adult responsible for its care.

Yes of course - I was the responsible adult! No one is suggesting 8 year olds are in sole charge! But my daughters were begging to keep the pony while at the same time refusing to care for or ride her. Expecting them to recognise that being able to have a pony is not a right but a privilege and that keeping one required them to take age appropriate responsibility for her was imo perfectly reasonable.