Am I mean?

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Baileyhoss

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I have just got a text from one of the other livery's asking if anyone (me) wants to go a little hack with her later, and I'll feel really bad if I say no because I have no excuse. She has a fat unfit pone, who is a [****] and she is very nervous so she won't want to do much, normally I say I'm schooling or want to go faster to build up fitness, but today, I will only be going for a little wander as well, as my pone is recovering from a sore back.

Uggh! I just want to finish work and go for a wander on my pony in fresh air and peace and quiet. She is nice, but talks incesently about nonsence and my head is already reeling from a v busy week at work. i am selfish. she won't hack out on her own as she is too nervous, so in saying no, i am effectively stopping her riding out on a really nice evening (it's sunny for a change).

poo poo poo.

what would you do?

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If you really don't feel like it, find a suitable excuse and wiggle out of it. It is a little bit mean but we all have horses because we want to enjoy them in our own way and if after a stressful week at work you just want to chill out on your own, why shouldnt you? It isn't your fault that she wont hack out on her own.
 
If it were me i'd probably end up hacking out with her cos i'd feel too bad to say no, but i know what u mean, sometimes i just like hacking out on my own in peace! My horse is better behaved on his own, so i usually jus say that, that i want a quiet ride and i won't be able to with another horse with me!
 
oops I got edited for calling her pony a [****], well he is. It's his fault she won't hack out alone.

Your right, but I am so soft I'll probably spoil my ride just as much if I go alone as I'll feel so guilty!.
 
I would go with her, but I admit I am a serious sucker for helping beginners.
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If I didn't want to go with her, I would simply say that I wanted to ride out on my own. I wouldn't lie about it, that's just silly.
 
I would say I've had a really busy week and need to de-stress but PROMISE to go another time! There's is nothing worse that having to do something under duress. we all need me time.
 
Go with her, I was really nervous with my girl when I brought her to the yard and appreciate it sso much that people hacked out with me over though my mare would kick anything that came close and would go mad in open spaces. The girls took it easy and came with me and now that they have bought younger TB horses like mine, they know what i was going through.

So, in answer to your question in the subject line? yes you are being mean. Its a couple of hours out of your day so she can ride out. Give a little.
 
I'd go with her. It's awful to be in the position of being reliant on others - and she sounds as if she could do with some help.....

Sometimes it's just nice to help.
 
I wouldn't say you were being selfish. We all need time to ourselves sometimes. What a better way to unwind than a nice slitary hack. You do need to think of yourself sometimes to put yourself in the right frame of mind to help others. She should understand this. Have a nice hack.
 
I'd go with her too. I was once that nervous rider who then passed on my nerves to my horse and she was a little monkey. Now though, I'm happy to go out on my own and my girl is a lot better behaved as I am more chilled. Its a hard call, as you say you won't enjoy your hack if you go on your own as you'll feel guilty so go for it but why not tell her that you need some quiet as you've had a stressfull day at work. She probably jabbers on so much as she's so nervous!!
 
I am a nervous rider who doesn't hack out alone (but because I am a nervous wreck, not because my ponio is naughty) and I know that in her position, I would really appreciate someone coming out with me. So maybe you should go, and give yourself a pat on the back for helping her out
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No your not mean, you have to sensible without causing offence.

We've all been there, (one of the perks of being on livery yard I'm afriad) its like been stuck between a rock and hard place sometimes, you want to help because your their friend but at the same time you don't want to do anything that will set your own horses training back or be involved in a road accident because of someone else's horse creating in the roads etc

At the end of the day you have to put your safety first and your horse first, after all its you that puts all the hard work in and all the money on looking after your horse, not them.

Without telling them exactly why I'd just say I'm concentrating on hacking him out alone for a while to develop his self confidence so he doesn't get used to riding out in company all the time, which is what everyone should do anyway once in a while so surely they will understand that if they have any sense.

Or that your training for a hunter trial or some kind of event and your putting him on a fitness programe and want to increase canter work etc and therefore feel it would be safer if she did not come etc.....being economical with the truth I suppose you could say.

Good Luck Hun
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the consensus seems to be that we are all softies. Believe me I normally go well out of my way to be nice. like for instance saturday, I am taking my friends new horse out for a short run in the trailer just to see if he is sensible enough to travel in it to a show the following week with another horse. (we know he's ok in a lorry, but don't know if he's been in a trailer) That probably means that I won't have time to ride myself on saturday and as my horse time is rationed just now as we are building a house, I already agreed with OH that i won't ride on Sunday. So that's the weekend gone in a flash.

I will ride with her, but I'll not text her to let her know that till i get to the yard, just incase someone else volunteers in the mean time and they are organised by the time i get there. how does that sound for a compromise.
 
Let her come with you but tell her you have a headache and want a quiet ride...... then if she keeps banging on, remind her.

If after that she carries on..... gallop off..........NOOOOOo joking!!!!
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We may all need a friend to hack with sometime....
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lol, i like that.
just to clarify, she isn't a beginner or rubbish, but she has lost her confidence, normally he behaves impectably when I have been out with her before, so it's not a danger or anything. Kenzo, that's my usual excuse and we do have xc training next weekend, but b tweaked his back a couple of weeks ago and had physio and a week off and has only been back in work for a week, so I can't say I would be doing lots of canter anyway, but will be resuming harder work this week. I suppose I could just do a bit of schooling when we get back.

Cheers guys!

Fi x
 
God where in the country are you??!! In cornwall its bitterly cold and Im convinced we're having mini hurricanes lol!

Back to OP, I would go out with her as I see it as if I do people favours you never know when they might help you out and return it in the future. It will do you good to just mooch!
 
sophie, I would normally agree, but I'm also looking after her pony next weekend as she is going away. That a few she owes me
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You are not mean - at all - just tell her you are going out on your own as its been a long day and need some peace and just be polite about it.

I am going to sound really mean here but my yard is full of people who are too nervouse to go out on their own and allways tag on to my hacks - sometimes I relaly dont mind as its nice to help people but other times it really annoys me - if your that nervous to go down the road and back you either a) shouldnt have a horse and should go back to the riding school and gain confidence or b) you have bought the wrong horse. I know its always nice to help people out but on lady on my yard is just downright dangourous to ride with and time and time again Ive told her she will end uo killing herself her horse or a member of the public but she wont listen!! Dont feel guilty - if you dont want to ride with her dont - its not your problem that she is scared to go alone, I know this sounds harsh but at some point she may have a horsey trauma and have to deal with it on her own so she has to get over ther fears xxx
 
yep your right. i really really really don't mind usually, my horse is loverly and doesn't mind baby sitting at all, but I have been looking forard to this all day. ask my ok, I was bouncing round the kitchen this morning singing, 'my pony's fixed, my pony's fixed!'
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and was going to go for a wander and if a little log happened to be in our way, oh well, we might just need to pop it.
and the sun is still out and it'll probably be raining in the morning. and then there's the guilt... uggh!
 
Its not like she goes out with you on a regular basis from what you are saying, it is a pain and yes in theory it isnt your problem... but SURELY if you are just going for a wander anyway, why be so mean? I honestly think this is the problem with most people these days, its a case of 'im allright Jack' if it was me and it wasnt everyday, then yes i would certainly help her, i just hope you dont go and get stuck with a problem horse in the future, then you might not be so unsympathetic...
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Could a good compromise be go out with her for a bit, drop her back at yard and then do another say another 15 minutes back out on your own and just say its really nice to have nice, non work company because you've had a horrible week at work, but you're going to have some time to yourself afterwards because you need some quality time with him to finish relaxing after work? If you say it in the right way you won't make her feel like a burden and won't feel bad on yourself, but still get a little bit of relaxation time by yourself with him.
 
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sophie, I would normally agree, but I'm also looking after her pony next weekend as she is going away. That a few she owes me
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Thats fair enough, have fun. Im so jealous.. I cant ride for another 3 1/2 weeks
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Why do some people have that attitude, it really annoys me. In this case I'd say its mitigated by how OP feels about work and the weekend which is fair enough, hopefully she can find a compromise.

Its a balance isn't it. On the flip side I have been taken for a mug by a weird "i'm alright jack". Horse and person in question are on a yard near to me, so I used to go for hacks and funrides with them loads, always made sure I had breaks, never left them behind, always placed myself between them and idiots on funrides so that their horse didn't tank off, theirs is unfitter than mine so went at their pace when we were dying to go faster & further, compromised on so many things and was perfectly happy to do so, until one day they completely tanked off and left me behind, then turned to see me struggling to hold him (I did, good job, the ground wasn't suitable to tank off through) and carried on regardless! That really got to me. They always made a massive point about making sure to look after them, and then when the crunch came, classic I'm alright jack!]

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oops sorry massive rant out of nowhere there...
 
I have a friend who is in a similar situation to the girl the OP describes, she is struggling to regain her confidence as she has been span and run off with a few times. She has worked really hard to cure her horse of this silly behaviour but isn't yet in a position to hack alone. Other people have been making fun of her and have made up some very poor excuses not to ride with her even though they have promised too, making her feel even worse about herself and like a burden.
Either be upfront and tell this girl why you don't want to ride with her or try to help her out.
 
all good points - as I said, I think I'll meet her at the yard and if she hasn't got anyone by then, I'll go out with her and school or pop round the little woods when we get back.

FYI - daisychain. I am not one of those alright jack people. It's in my nature to go well out of my way to help others. I always seem to be the one sitting with other people's poorly ponies in the middle of the night, sacrifising lie ins and drinks with friends to turnout other peoples horses. babysitting people on hacks, putting up jumps for other people instead of riding and generally am considered a push over, which is why I am agonising over something as simple as telling someone that I want some ME time incase i hurt their feelings.
 
sophie ,, its raining !!, blowing !!!!, actually downright nasty out there because i,m sitting here in cornwall needing to go and stain my decking lol
as for hacking out with the nervous person , i,m on a large livery yard and i get it from both ends , i have a lovely steady well schooled tb gelding whoes recovering after a long illness this winter , one lot of riders want me to ride with them because hes such a good influence on thier scatty nutters , the others are fit show jumpers and eventers who want to do 2 hours zooming around the forestry and the third want to ride my horse because thiers is broke or nuts or both ,all of them get funny if i just want to go on my own , implying that i,m stuck up or too nervous to zoom etc and all i mostly want to do is hack out and enjoy my fabulous horse because i know i may not have him for many years , so , in answer , try and compromise but don,t be pushed into doing what you hate just because others are struggling , i would go on short hack with the nervous one then go back out and have fun with my horse on my own
 
That's the problem, people are so sensitive and take it as a personal insult if you 'reject' their company.
the fact is, I do hack out a lot with others but always enjoy my solitary hacks more. I got an evil look the other night from her when I she arrived I was tacking up to go out with another friend who was just back from hols and we needed a good catch up. Very much got the impression that she felt we should have known she would want to come and waited to ask her, hence probably why she is texting in advance tonight! That is fine for this week, but she needs to realise that after happy hacking this week I need to start working towards getting b fit for competing this summer. I can't be a full time minder!
 
Its freezing isn't it! It feels like a November day! We had such lovely weather over the last couple of weeks!
I dont mind too much cos I can't ride HA!!!
 
oooh, just realised that I posted an 'am I mean?' question, then went raj because someone said yes.
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perhaps I should be left on my own for a while, it's been a busy week. Soz.

Fi x
 
Maybe suggesting something that she can get her teeth stuck into with her horse.

You say she's lost her confidence a bit soooo... does she have regular lessons?

If her RI gives her a training program to work on or perhaps suggest a bit of dressage...that way she'll want to use ménage a bit more.... do her and her horse a world of good and hey presto it actually works well for you both!

You never know she might get really into it and release a new hidden talent and not ask to ride out with you so often anyway.... plus she'll get more confidence.

just another thought
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