Am I really being unreasonable?

Kitei

Kitei

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Had a very frustrating couple of days and I'm currently the bad guy in the family, and I'm honestly not seeing why.

My elder sister (27, has 3 children, own house, 2 cars so is able to travel) purchased a section a pony for my nephew almost 7 months ago now. Pony she chose was nice enough to view, but very cheap and she was advised by myself and a couple of others that said pony would not be the wonderful lead-reign pony it was advertised at. Sure enough, turns out that as far as experience went with her, she'd been sat on by a tall boy who was practically touching the ground on her, and chased around in walk on a lunge. Her saddle was much too tight, meaning she was very wary about being tacked up even after a new saddle was bought (by my mother), and her bridle was too small.

Anyway, sister ignored advice to get her re-started properly and kept leading 5 year old nephew around on her. I must point out that neither she nor my nephew had actually been near horses before I bought Harry, so sister had no idea what she was doing (and refused the advice she was given) and nephew only knows how to sit on the back of a pony like a sack of potatoes. So, as predicted, pony bucked my nephew off 4 months ago when he 'put leg on' (and pony hadn't a clue what it meant), and she hasn't been touched since.

She was originally in the 3 acre field with my big boys, but it turns out she is awful to catch. Was told she'd have to have her at the farm in order to do anything. At the time of my nephew coming off, she was at the farm. Anyway, forward a couple of months and Seren gets fat as butter on spring grass and very cresty, so we take the initiative and keep the pony in (as sister's budget apparently does not cover a muzzle, and pony jumps fences) until she's less of a lami risk. At this point, my sister has had her third baby and is coming up once a week but not doing any work with her.

Forward to today. Pony has been here for 4 months, has seen my sister maybe three times this month but again, she's sat down and watched me do the work, using the baby as an excuse. The livery here is DIY, not part or full. She is still very fat, and sister has been offered lunging sessions for pony by our YM but refuses to come up and supervise (YM won't start until she witnesses the first one, as suspects Seren will not be happy and doesn't want to be blamed for any sillyness afterwards). She has not seen the farrier since she got her, and her hooves are quite overgrown now. I have told her several times and even told her when he's coming to do my boy, but she claims she can't afford it. She's not developed a lump on her jaw which we believe is a wolf tooth, and is struggling to eat hay massively - again, sister says she can't afford a dentist for her.

YM is not happy, nor is the yard owner, as she couldn't pay her livery until half-way through last week. YM is also very unimpressed that she won't come and see the pony, nor will my nephew (who just isn't, and wasn't to begin with, interested in her). She also now owes me a fair amount for the hay that her pony eats, and the bedding that we have to buy for her because otherwise she wouldn't have a bed. She's not insured and my sister has said that she doesn't have the money for any big vet bills. When she went away for a week with the rest of my family, I arranged for YM to do the morning jobs for RB as I could only get up there in the evening. Turns out she hadn't arranged any such thing for Seren, and I ended up paying for her to do the pony, too.

Anyway, today she got into a text-spat with YM over something unrelated, but very much uncalled for. I was with YM at the time as was spending the day with her, so YM was showing me the texts when my phone went off. She'd texted me asking for the number for the lady who rents the field to me. Makes up some story about wanting to tell her about the post that came off the fence, to which I said she didn't need the number as I'd already texted her, and the field is nothing to do with her. Both boys there are 100% mine and she's been there less than a handful of times. She then tries telling me that my mum is with her and is asking for it, so I ring her and whilst she's trying the same story, I can hear my mum in the background telling her what to say.

Turns out, she's trying to go behind my back and ask the lady if she can put Seren on the field so that she only has to pay £20 a month, which was what I asked her for when there were 4 horses on there. Now, landlady has previously said that she only wants 2 horses on during the winter, and I'm not moving one of my boys off so that she can save money. She also knows full well that I plan to move RB to the field and have Obie at the farm within the next month or so, and under no circumstance can she go out with RB as he's slightly riggy and is almost unmanageable when kept with mares (nor do I actually want her out with Harry). And the mare does not mix well - she's very hormonal and very dominant, but also goes out of her way to kick out at other horses. She won't be caught in a large space and is generally a PITA to be around. She's a lot better behaved for me as I don't take nonsense, so I normally don't have -too- much trouble catching her, but it's still hit and miss.

Not only that, but as we did have the issue of the RSPCA being called out maliciously, I don't want to have something that I actually would class as a neglect case in the field. She basically wants to put her out so that she doesn't have to come and see her (not that she does anyway), and pay practically nothing for her.

Apparently that makes me unsupportive and unreasonable, and I'm really not seeing it. I work my butt off to keep my boys and they get whatever they need. I've been doing this pony for months on end and it really takes away from the time I get to spend with my own horse. YM says she has texted the YO to discuss the pony as she's fed up of it and has warned me that she wants him to give her notice to leave. I'm hoping that she'll come to her senses and just sell her.

But please, if I am in the wrong here, do say. I'm getting all sorts of threats and stress over this and its driving me nuts.
 
why on earth did you get involved? Your sisters relationship with her horse and the yo is her business. I'd take myself out of the situation completely. I'd explain the situation to the field owner and hope she won't let her in. And then i'd stay out of the whole thing completely. If your sister wants to buy an unsuitable horse and leave it neglected in a field, then its on her, its none of your business (unless to call rspca if you feel horse is in danger). i'd stay a million miles away from the whole thing.
 
But it's family isn't it ,family helps each over even when they are taking bad desisions.
It a very difficult place to be OP.
I would find it so hard to walk away from the pony if I where you but it's what you need to do.
It's one thing to get a pony a little unwisely and get your sister to bale you out when you get overwhelmed but it's another to dump all the work and cost on a sibling and behave as it's all ok.
Why has your mum not given her a kick up the backside ?
 
Goldenstar said:
But it's family isn't it ,family helps each over even when they are taking bad desisions.
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its difficult, but there's a line you cross where 'helping' becomes enabling and helping to make a bad situation last longer than it should. People help out for a load of reasons and some aren't healthy. It can be easy to cast yourself as the horse loving sister who is in control and saving the situation. But in reality, you are just delaying her having to deal with the consequences of her decision, and in fact, you are making the situation worse despite good intentions. For example, by paying for the hay you stop her having to deal with the situation herself.

The situation really should be between the YO and your sister. It is the yard owner that should be chasing her up on neglect. If I was in your boat though i'd definitely ask the owner of my field to refuse her. If she lands there she knows you will watch the pony.

I wouldn;t give a flying fig about being cast as the bad guy. your sister is the one neglecting a poor pony.
 
I agree with paddi22. I can't believe you've been paying for and looking after this pony. You've already done more than you needed to to help your sister out.

I would tell the lady who rents you the field that she is likely to get contact from your sister about putting a pony on there, but that although she's your sister you don't want to share the field with her. Tell her your sister won't look after the pony and won't pay her share of the rent or move the pony off when winter comes.

Your sister is the unreasonable one and your mum for helping her. You found a field to rent, why should you be expected to share it with anyone else, whoever they may be? Particularly when it would cause you problems with your own horses. If your sister can't afford the pony she can sell it, give it away or PTS.
 
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Sugar_and_Spice said:
I agree with paddi22. I can't believe you've been paying for and looking after this pony. You've already done more than you needed to to help your sister out.

I would tell the lady who rents you the field that she is likely to get contact from your sister about putting a pony on there, but that although she's your sister you don't want to share the field with her. Tell her your sister won't look after the pony and won't pay her share of the rent or move the pony off when winter comes.

Your sister is the unreasonable one and your mum for helping her. You found a field to rent, why should you be expected to share it with anyone else, whoever they may be? Particularly when it would cause you problems with your own horses. If your sister can't afford the pony she can sell it, give it away or PTS.
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Agree with this totally. Sometimes you just have stand back, whatever you do you will be in the wrong.
 
I was doing more for my pony when I was 10 than she is now by the sound of it. So I hate to say it but she doesn't deserve the blessing of being a horse owner imo, she should sell the pony and pay everyone back the money she owes and call it a lesson learnt.
 
Wow the easy solution (if even possible) maybe to find a loaner for the pony who will cover most costs or share? Sometime you just need to make it easy for people to opt out and at some point suggest selling the pony.

I think you are too nice and if it was my sister she would have had a really good ear bashing many times by now.
 
Absolutely walk away. I wouldn't entertain taking on responsibility for pony, it is unsellable and will be impossible to move on. You shoudl deffo, do as others have suggested and approach your field owner & make it clear that sister is an undesirable livery. I would also sit down with sister ad mother and explain the situation and the future for the pony if she doesn't start looking after it.
She may have some joy on local FB pages finding someone who wants a project for free, though it's a risk for the poor pony.
 
paddi22 said:
why on earth did you get involved? Your sisters relationship with her horse and the yo is her business. I'd take myself out of the situation completely. I'd explain the situation to the field owner and hope she won't let her in. And then i'd stay out of the whole thing completely. If your sister wants to buy an unsuitable horse and leave it neglected in a field, then its on her, its none of your business (unless to call rspca if you feel horse is in danger). i'd stay a million miles away from the whole thing.
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this
 
To move forwards from now on I think you need to explain to your sister that you will be unable to help or support her in caring for her pony from now on, winter is coming and you have your own to see to. I'd also tell the YO and YM the same thing and any issues need taking up with her ,not you. Your sister is simply not facing up to her responsibilites and you carrying them for her won't help. Sadly it is always the animals that suffer in these situations, and I think that there probably will be further fallouts, but this poor pony deserves better.
 
I was in a very similar situation a few years ago with my sister and a pony she bought for her children.
In the end I took pony on as a companion to mine and she stayed with me til the end. However my circumstance are different now and I could not afford to do if it happened now. It did case family friction at the time.
I can only think that for the ponys sake you get her feet done and if it's possible do some work to help pony be suitable for sale or loan.
 
I agree with paddi22 -- with a couple of additions.

I would sit down cooly and calmly and write a letter to your sister enumerating the points the OP has made quite dispassionately. Write it, leave it for a few days, then re-read it to make sure it won't inflame things and make matters worse! I'd give a copy to the various others involved.

I would also state that if you feel the pony is being neglected, you don't want to be involved and will inform the authorities who, as a uninvolved third party, will sort it out without bias or prejudice and according to the law.

I would lastly inform my sister that she owes me money which she is making no attempt to pay off. You expect her to make an effort, even if it only £5 a week. In view of her behaviour and lack of recognition of your help to date, you want this agreement in writing and if she doesn't stick to it, you will take it to Small Claims!

There are times when tough love is called for. Distance yourself from the personal mud slinging as far as possible, stick to your guns, keep calm and polite, and don't back down until there is definite progress.
 
Dry Rot said:
I agree with paddi22 -- with a couple of additions.

I would sit down cooly and calmly and write a letter to your sister enumerating the points the OP has made quite dispassionately. Write it, leave it for a few days, then re-read it to make sure it won't inflame things and make matters worse! I'd give a copy to the various others involved.

I would also state that if you feel the pony is being neglected, you don't want to be involved and will inform the authorities who, as a uninvolved third party, will sort it out without bias or prejudice and according to the law.

I would lastly inform my sister that she owes me money which she is making no attempt to pay off. You expect her to make an effort, even if it only £5 a week. In view of her behaviour and lack of recognition of your help to date, you want this agreement in writing and if she doesn't stick to it, you will take it to Small Claims!

There are times when tough love is called for. Distance yourself from the personal mud slinging as far as possible, stick to your guns, keep calm and polite, and don't back down until there is definite progress.
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Do you want to see your sister and her children ever again? I think that you should point out to your Mum that the boy was bucked off by this pony, it is not suitable as a child's pony at the moment, your sister has a new baby and won't really be in a position to look after it properly, it is not being looked after properly, it is costing YOU money and really the pony needs to be sold or even given away and it isn't having a life at the moment.

Maybe your sister is feeling guilty about not looking after it properly, and in my experience, the more guilty a person is,(your sister) the more they get cross with the innocent party (you) and the YO.

I don't think you should let your sister put the pony on (your) field, but exert gentle pressure so she finds it a new home.
 
OP I assume this pony is youngish? The way this is going you will be looking after it for the next 20 years. I suggest a serious meeting with both your mother and sister (when children are absent and can't disturb) where you point out that if she can't afford to hay, feed and trim the ponies feet she simply can't afford to have a pony and she needs to sell is asap. Tell her that you are walking away from the situation and that you will not have the pony in with yours. As another poster suggested talk to lady who you rent your field off asap to ensure your sister doesn't get in there! It does amaze me what we do as families. I would probably do the same in your situation as you obviously can't bear to see the pony go without but your sister is obviously one of lifes 'users' I am afraid.
A lady at our yard bought a pony for her daughter who got bored quickly. 20 years later lady is still looking after pony on DIY(and ponies son - as wouldn't a foal be cute?). Daughter never even helps when Mum is seriously ill - the rest of the yard step in and help. Do you want to be there in 20 years time?
Lay down the law and stick to it but I would very much encourage sister to sell pony as she obviously has no experience/interest/commitment to it. It is one of those cases where it highlights where everyone who wants to own a horse on DIY should have to pass some sort of exam........I know impossible to police but this situation is seen so often in DIY yards in my area and it drives me crackers!
Good Luck! :)
 
Sugar_and_Spice said:
I agree with paddi22. I can't believe you've been paying for and looking after this pony. You've already done more than you needed to to help your sister out.

I would tell the lady who rents you the field that she is likely to get contact from your sister about putting a pony on there, but that although she's your sister you don't want to share the field with her. Tell her your sister won't look after the pony and won't pay her share of the rent or move the pony off when winter comes.

Your sister is the unreasonable one and your mum for helping her. You found a field to rent, why should you be expected to share it with anyone else, whoever they may be? Particularly when it would cause you problems with your own horses. If your sister can't afford the pony she can sell it, give it away or PTS.
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Amen.
 
This sounds like a horrible situation! Poor you for having to deal with it.

Kitei said:
Not only that, but as we did have the issue of the RSPCA being called out maliciously, I don't want to have something that I actually would class as a neglect case in the field. She basically wants to put her out so that she doesn't have to come and see her (not that she does anyway), and pay practically nothing for her.
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Was this for the pony? I'm sorry but it does sound like she's being neglected. (feet not done, teeth so bad she can't eat properly, overweight, wouldn't have bedding/hay if it wasn't for you etc)

You're definitely not the bad one! You seem to be the only one willing to care for the poor pony, good on you! Her feet and teeth NEED doing, but I have no idea how this will come about. It shouldn't have to be your responsibility! A sad case all round, I have no idea what I would do if I was in your situation, short of attempting to knock some sense into sister, so can't really offer any advice :(
 
You are not in the wrong.
You have done far too much for your sister.

I can't see how field owner will let her add another horse if there are two there already.
Maybe have a word with her and see how she feels', don't be nasty but explain your sister would just dump pony in field and leave it.

She needs to sell pony and in the mean time either pay for full livery or do all the work herself, how they expect you to do it is unfair, regardless if her having children etc.
 
I hate to think what this poor pony's feet look like and am amazed she hasn't got lami.

Best for the pony would probably be if yard owner served an abandonment notice complete with livery bill including all services owed for - including farrier and if not paid/she starts caring for pony, pony will be sold.

YO also has duty of care to get a vet to the pony if it is struggling.

The trouble is that pony is essentially worth less than nothing as she stands I should think. Why does your sister not want to get rid of her?
 
Regardless of the family situation the pony is suffering and that is unacceptable. The YO/YM should be dealing with this by telling your sister in no uncertain terms that she gets the veterinary problem (struggling to eat) and farrier sorted immediately, or they will do so and set about to remove the horse from her care if she does not reimburse them.
 
ester said:
I hate to think what this poor pony's feet look like and am amazed she hasn't got lami.

Best for the pony would probably be if yard owner served an abandonment notice complete with livery bill including all services owed for - including farrier and if not paid/she starts caring for pony, pony will be sold.

YO also has duty of care to get a vet to the pony if it is struggling.

The trouble is that pony is essentially worth less than nothing as she stands I should think. Why does your sister not want to get rid of her?
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I would second this as really, the bill for they Hay and bedding should be to YO. I cam imagine if pony was cheap that the debt is already 2 or 3 times its value.
 
I think the most sensible thing for your sister to do is to give away pony to a good home asap (either to you if you want her or to someone else). She doesn't have the time, money and knowledge to care for a pony.
It seems your family doesn't understand that the pony is an animal and currently suffering from neglect (needs vet, farrier, exercise...). It's not a toy or a belonging.
The nephew can go to a riding school to learn to ride safely if they wish to pursue.
 
Palindrome said:
I think the most sensible thing for your sister to do is to give away pony to a good home asap (either to you if you want her or to someone else). She doesn't have the time, money and knowledge to care for a pony.
It seems your family doesn't understand that the pony is an animal and currently suffering from neglect (needs vet, farrier, exercise...). It's not a toy or a belonging.
The nephew can go to a riding school to learn to ride safely if they wish to pursue.
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^^^^ THIS!
 
ester said:
I hate to think what this poor pony's feet look like and am amazed she hasn't got lami.

Best for the pony would probably be if yard owner served an abandonment notice complete with livery bill including all services owed for - including farrier and if not paid/she starts caring for pony, pony will be sold.

YO also has duty of care to get a vet to the pony if it is struggling.

The trouble is that pony is essentially worth less than nothing as she stands I should think. Why does your sister not want to get rid of her?
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Another vote seconding this approach.

You're not the bad guy, it seems you've done plenty to help, now you've reached the end of your tether and I don't blame you. The YO needs to stand up and make the right noises as in the quote above and you need to have time for your horses and self. Your sister is taking you both for absolute mugs and obviously couldn't care less about the pony's welfare. Don't get me started on your mum - no disrespect intended - but what on earth is she thinking, she shouldn't be favouring one of you over the other, especially where she could be said to be abetting the neglect of an animal.
 
What about contacting whw or red wings etc for advise? You can do it anonymously and maybe Will give your sister the kick up the bum she clearly needs
 
If there is even the outside possibility she could pop the pony without consent into your field and essentially fly graze it you need to get the ball rolling on other actions now. That may well mean reporting the pony's welfare anonymously/ getting YO to serve abandonment notice etc.

I think it sounds like you've been making such a good job of caring for your own horses that your family have severely underestimated the work involved in having one!
 
Might not be every one's approach but I think I would take on the pony, sort her out and find her a good home. As your sister is inexperienced and has a strange aversion to selling her, I'd really lay it on think about how much work is involved etc and then tell her youre prepared to do the work on the condition she settles the outstanding livery bill and gives the pony to you. Once the pony is yours she can't stop you selling her (or more likely giving her) to a good home. Yes, you'll be out of pocket but at least you'll know you did right by the pony. It sounds to me she can't face the enormity of the responsibility of keeping her or the decision to let her go so maybe you taking that reponsibility away might be very welcome to her.
 
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