ANGRY!! She's always like this!!

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Black.Shadow

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Hiya all, this is going to be long..

I need your advice, Since I was 13 i've worked, had a job to pay for my dream of owning a horse. I'm 16 now, and finally have got enough money and enough money to care for the horse!
There's one problem.. My mother.

She's notoriously stubborn and is always 'no'.

I don't mean to slag her off but it's always ''her way or no way''. I understand I live under her roof so it's her rules but she's been ridiculous. I don't see her point at all because I ask her ''Why can't I?'' and she doesn't have a reason, she just says ''Cos' I said so''. Just to add, I pay £25 a week rent to her!! And still she says no!!

She's completely unreasonable.

I've been offered a lovely shetland on loan which would be perfect for me,
- able to do as I please
- delivered to me
- Tame so would be brilliant with my brother
- Up to date on jabs and wormed.

I have the field sorted, the money sorted everything sorted and just as my life FINALLY seems to be coming together mum has to interupt and ruin it all.

She's always said to me ''if you can afford it, you can get what you like'' but now she's all ''You're under my roof, you're not getting one.'' It's so frustrating I just want to cry. I've worked all my funds out and I am financially stable. She's just being an arse. Now, i've tried to talk to her about it - she yells at me or walks away. I try writing it down - she reads it and then scrunches it up. I even spent 2 hours!! Writing down the terms of the loan, my finances and the costs of everything and still she's been funny!!

She won't have to see it, pay for it or have any involvement with it but she's STILL been horrid.

Any advice, i'm at my witts end!!


:(

Edited- The loan offer is out, she's now offered him to me for free!!
 
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Poor you. Have a hug.

I have to admire you for doing so well to gather the funds for a pony. A shetland is lovely, (am assuming it is just a pet?).
I can't comment about your personal situation with your mum, but perhaps ask her to write down what it is that she is so against.. is it the worry of commitment? or the worry of an injury or the worry the pony will take ''more love'' from you than her - can't think how to word that better!
Ask her to write down what is bothering her, and go from there. Keep chin up and keep smiling.

Seconding that, go to your local stables and look after a pony/horse from them. At least that way you aren't on your own, if anything happens??
 
Honestly, if this was me? I would do it anyway. Not good advice but I have often lived by it - I do what I want a lot of the time and I work hard to pay for what I want. As long as I don't hurt anyone in the process......
 
Fools Motto said:
Poor you. Have a hug.

I have to admire you for doing so well to gather the funds for a pony. A shetland is lovely, (am assuming it is just a pet?).
I can't comment about your personal situation with your mum, but perhaps ask her to write down what it is that she is so against.. is it the worry of commitment? or the worry of an injury or the worry the pony will take ''more love'' from you than her - can't think how to word that better!
Ask her to write down what is bothering her, and go from there. Keep chin up and keep smiling.

Seconding that, go to your local stables and look after a pony/horse from them. At least that way you aren't on your own, if anything happens??
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Thank you - hugs - Me and my mum have never been close which is truely sad, she knows my lifelong dream is to have a horse/pony and now i'm here she's determined to stop me getting there. Basically, I get a pony and move out or be ponyless (still) and stay at home, paying my rent.
I'm just stuck I can't win, it's really frustrating :(
xx
 
I do not want to seem like I'm talking down to you, but you are 16. It seems to me you've been brought up very well considering you have a good head on your shoulders. As hard as it is, listen to mom now. You have plenty of time in life to make your own decisions for better or worse. Don't rush that. Trust me on that. I didn't own my own horse til I was 32. My life was filled with horses.

Best of luck and maybe try and fill the horse void in another way. Trust me, you'll wanna learn to be flexible not just with horses but in life.

Terri
 
Maybe she is scared about the level of commitment you would have to put into caring for the horse?

My dad was exactly the same. Like you, I had saved and saved. He had always said that if I could afford a horse, I could have one. Until the day I came to him with all the finances worked out and told him I could afford one. I said I was thinking of loaning so that if anything happened I would have enough saved to hopefully pay out...

And then he said no I couldn't do it. Turned out he was worried that I would sacrifice schoolwork for my horse. Also that it would severely restrict me when I left school in what felt I could do.

In the end though, I think he was right. I was top of the year and came out with 4 very good alevel results and I am now at uni having a brilliant time. My best friend on the other hand didn't go to uni because of her horse and now feels she is missing out.

I therefore put my saved money into a high interest savings account (plus half of what I would have paid for horsey upkeep each month) and now I have more than enough for a horse... or even a house deposit!

I turn 21 on monday and I am still yet to get my own horse...
 
What would you plan to do with a Shetland? Wouldn't it be too small for you to ride? Wouldn't you prefer something you could ride as well as care for?

Have you actually asked your Mum what her objections are? Does she hope you'll go to college or work full time and is worried about you taking on a loan a this point in your life? I know we mums are a real drag, but often there's method in our madness. Maybe she has reasonable concerns but isn't voicing them properly. You're both getting wound up and upset, rather than talking rationally.

Have you thought about 'sharing' a horse or pony locally? That might be a compromise, both financially and time-wise, plus you could ride too.
 
Came back to add - but then I moved out at 15 so nobody really had anything to do with me, I just read back you still live at home! It might be more hassle that it is worth if you were to defy your mother!
 
Amymay - I've done it by a big margin, the field is £10 p/w, hay is £3.50 from the man who owns the field. I wasn't planning on having him shod :o, hoof trimming (£10-£25) Worming - £10 -£30 (not sure of feed yet, haven't been down to the equine shop) and all rugs, headcollar, haynets, buckets included.

I was going to shop around for insurance. I hope I don't sound pathetic, and i'm probably way out with prices..

I really want to, but I hate disobeying my mum and I think that's the main problem, she knows she controls me. And if she kicks me out, I'll have nowhere to go. But then again, this is the best opportunity i've ever had!
 
I don't want to make mum out to be a monster, but she's just difficult. -.-
I've finished school, and i'm working now. So earning my own money!! I can't see it been a problem :( Maybe i'm just naive. I am mature, and not silly in anyway. I've really set my heart on this.

Stanley is his name - I really just want something I can cuddle and love..

- Maybe it's best to just wait, I have nowhere else to go.
 
To be fair you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and you've budgeted well. Tbh, i might get shot down for this buuuut... If she doesnt have to go to see the pony then i'd just do it anyway! When i was your age i did all sorts of things my mother didnt agree with, i mainly got things pierced! She came around in the end!

What is her aversion to you getting the pony? And, if you dont mind me asking, why a shetland?
 
aw poor you. There is nothing worse when your heart aches for a horse than parents who dont understand. That was me,20 years ago!

First thought is, if you are planning on having a field and not being on a yard with other people - how experienced are you? Also, what company will the pony have and will you be limited by transport to get there? ‘free shetland’ would also make me worry about what health issues he/she may come with. Shetlands arent the easiest to manage and the pony could well be laminitic. Are you knowledgable enough to cope with that?

first time owners are better off at a stables/yard with others around to support you tbh. Wouldnt you be better getting something you can ride? (can you ride?). Why not use the money to go to a local riding school or contacts yards and see if you can get a share?

I do sympathise - for what its worth at your age i went off and joined the pony club off my own back, went along to watch lessons etc and offer to help and ended up with a pony to ride that my parents neither cared about or bothered to check up with the owner! I rode my bike there or got the bus and just got on with it:cool:
 
I don't see how or why your mother could stop you to be honest. Your money your choice if you're taking full responsibility? Although you might as well get something bigger you could ride on loan, then you could always send it back if it doesn't work out. There's not an age limit on owning a horse is there? I don't know!

I just got my own horse at 26, I really wish I'd had the initiative to take it into my own hands when I was a teenager.
 
I feel so sorry for you.. this was my life as a teen too. I can't believe you are paying rent at 16 years old! My kids all lived at home free until they were earning enough to make a contribution.. I could never take money from a 16 year old!

I ended up running away to work with horses and alienated myself from my mother. Her loss. All she had to do was support my choices, not pay for them.

Is there any chance you could find a horse to share? I know if you were near me then you would be welcome to spend your time with mine and treat them as your own. Maybe a share wouldn't make mother feel she had to be 'responsible' in any way if things went wrong?
 
I know how you feel, my mum is very controlling and likes to meddle in everything that I do.
Last summer before I started uni I was 17 and I decided to sell my flashy competition horse and get something a little more, well basic. Something more low maintenance and fun, as oppose to stressy and demanding.
Anyway, I sold my horse and made it perfectly clear that I was getting another one.
My mum said no.

She didn't want me to get another horse, even though it would be my third one and I have owned them since being 13 :rolleyes:

Soooo, I went ahead and bought another pony.

I told her this, she kicked me out.

A year and a half later I live with my Grandad, still have the beloved pony and me and mum get along better than ever.
She want's me to move back in with her though, ha. No chance.

Sometimes you just have to take a stand, but only do this if you have a backup plan for if it all goes t*ts up.

Personally if I were you, I wouldn't do all of this just for a shetland. I'd much prefer something that I could ride, to be honest if I were you I'd get a part loan instead.
 
I really do not mean to sound condesending, as you seem very sensible.
At your age my life was fun, little commitments. I had horses from 13-16 then not again until in my early twenties, I now at 30 have two-i must be mad!! But I am so glad I didn't have them when younger, horses take all your time, and far money than you budget.
Have you considered sharing then you get your horsey fix but only part the cost and part the commitment? I also moved out at sixteen and have only recently started to get on well with my mum so understand that side. But have fun whilst you are young and want to go out drinking and dancing etc.
 
Just to be a voice of badness. What about if an accident happens, can you afford that? What about when you go away or go out, who will look after it then? Can you get up to see the horse independently everyday twice a day? What facilities will you have? What will happen in the depths of winter?

Often at your age it can seem like parents are just being unreasonable for the sake of it. Maybe your mum has money worries and this would be a horrendous worry? Maybe she realises that a Shetland would most likely soon lose it's sparkle for you. Maybe she would like you to be an independent adult before you have responsibility for another animal. Without your mums backing who will you turn to if things go wrong? Can you insure something when you are under 18 without parental consent? (I have no idea on this one.)

To finish off my post in a really bad way, you simply sound like a bit of a petulant child to me and I agree with your mums sentiments if not the way she is expressing them.
 
i can understand your anger, my parents couldn't afford to buy me a pony and refused to let me have any pet other than a hamster! At your age i felt my parents were out of touch fuddy duddies who seemed hell bent on making my life a misery:eek: now as an adult and parent with horses and dogs i can see how big a commitment a horse (or dog) is, unforseen vets bills can be a huge drain on finances, even with insurance there are excess' to be paid and stuff like vaccs that aren't covered. if something went wrong and you needed help you would want your mum to help, perhaps she isn't in a position to do that.:confused:
how much experience or knowledge do you have with horses?
 
You are still only 16.
How will you manage if something goes wrong?

Can you offer to have your own home and a horse?
If not why should your mother feed and house you so you can have a pony?

Is should be home and pony or home and no pony as you can't afford both, not pony and no home as you can't afford both.
 
We can't always have what we want when we want it op.

You have budgeted well, I agree. But there are other considerations as well. The commitment is massive - twice a day, 365 days of the year. Come rain or shine.

I think that if your mum's not on board then sadly you must pass on this opportunity, and wait until you're a bit older, and in full time work.

A lot of us here have found horse ownership financially crippling - and we're in full time work, earning good wages.

Also you need to know that you can pay a big vets bill, If required, because vets do required payment upfront sometimes. And not all vet incidents are ones you're necessarily going to claim for.

So think long and hard before taking advice from those that say go ahead regardless of your mum.
 
I would also like to add that £25 is not rent it is a nominal contribution. A small one, admittedly more than a lot of people your age pay but still very small. What should your Mum pay for your upkeep so you can have a pony?

Rent, minimum would be £50 a week (about standard for a small room in a house round here), plus your bills, food etc.

In my opinion, until you are earning enough to be paying proper rent or move out it is not for you to go against your mothers wishes, to do so would be irresponsible, disrespectful and cause potentially irreversable damage to your relationship with your mother (says my mother sat by me now, I am nearly 30 btw)
 
Bear in mind that some vets bills cannot be claimed for, the most obvious being vaccinations and dentals but also things that re-occur or are pre existing the classic one being lami

My dad died when I was 13, he had funded my pony habit and when he was gone my mum washed her hands of the day to day costs but I did manage to keep one pony and one horse for five years after that meeting all of the normal costs myself

BUT the land was ours so no cost there and I knew my mum would meet the costs of major stuff and to her credit she did settle my horse's final vets bill of £4500 (which wasnt covered by insurance)

If you dont have your mums backing or that of another adult family member this could go badly wrong I'm really sorry to have to say that

You do sound like you have thought most of it through though so maybe look for a share, its the right time of year for this and you can use your money for the day to day costs of that leaving the majority of the responsibility with the owner
 
Batgirl said:
I would also like to add that £25 is not rent it is a nominal contribution. A small one, admittedly more than a lot of people your age pay but still very small. What should your Mum pay for your upkeep so you can have a pony?

Rent, minimum would be £50 a week (about standard for a small room in a house round here), plus your bills, food etc.

In my opinion, until you are earning enough to be paying proper rent or move out it is not for you to go against your mothers wishes, to do so would be irresponsible, disrespectful and cause potentially irreversable damage to your relationship with your mother (says my mother sat by me now, I am nearly 30 btw)
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Tbh I was astounded that a 16 year old is having to pay rent to her own mother, but maybe that's just me :o
 
HashRouge said:
Tbh I was astounded that a 16 year old is having to pay rent to her own mother, but maybe that's just me :o
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I understand that she's left school and working though, so should be contributing to the household, and £25 isn't a lot.

It teaches respect and responsibility to donate towards the family household I think. :)
 
I bought my first pony at the age of 15. I didnt actually ask my mum, I just did it and then went... oh yeah Ive bought this pony.

Funnily enough I did same thing with my first car, as I know they would've wanted me to have something boring haha.
 
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