Another WWYD/am I in the wrong thread (sorry)

SirBrastias

SirBrastias

Well-Known Member
Joined
16 February 2013
Messages
108
Visit site
I know we get a lot of these threads but I need to know whether I'm over reacting or not.

I'm on a lovely farm yard (no school just hacking) where there are two retired horses belonging to the yard owner, two horses belonging to another livery and my boy. My horse and the other liveries horses are turned out together. Unfortunately my horse does not like to stay out on his own so when the over livery gets to the yard first she is kind enough to bring him in for me. She is not particularly consistent with when she leaves work so sometimes she's there before me and sometimes not. I've know this women for nearly 17 years (I'm 27 and shes in her 50s) and we've always had a good relationship until this morning.

I'm quite particular about what my horse eats (thoroughbred with bad feet) and have previously in the summer asked her not to feed him so my carrots due to all the sugar (she has a laminitic pony who is constantly over weight and is very 'treat happy'). Last night he had been brought in and I noticed there was some food in his bowl. I politely (I thought) asked him how much she had given him (so I could adjust his feed) and got a snappy response from her none horsey sister that she had just given him a handful of nuts.

This morning I asked which nuts she had given him last night ready to explain about how I try and keep his sugars down and she launched straight into a rant starting with calling me an ungrateful cow. Apparently I never thank her for bringing my horse in, it was only a handful of nuts and its not like she would poison my horse. I tried explaining that I wouldn't feed hers without her knowing it and it might be bad for them and she kept on going. I used to be such a lovely kid and now I'm rude and ungrateful and must have been brought up wrong because she was brought up to thank people when they helped her out. I apologised and said I was very grateful and I'm sorry I don't thank her everytime she brings him in but she wasn't really having it. It massively upset me as I don't think I'm that person. I may not thank her everytime but I wouldn't say I 'never thank her'. I also told her that calling me an ungrateful cow was upsetting but she responded with 'well you are an ungrateful cow'.

I am now at my wits end and struggling not to burst into tears every 5 mins (I'm at work). I love the yard and the horse is very happy there but there is no school and no where to ride when its wet. Although the other livery hacks out with me occasionally shes not very confident so we only pop up the track and back and we've been doing that less and less as shes has been inviting other people (family/friends) to come sit on her arthritic thoroughbred.

I don't really feel like I've got any choice but to move as I can't face going up to the yard with her being there (I know that's pathetic for a 27 old). Her tone was so vile to me this morning it's making me feel sick with dread.

I just don't know what to do.

(Tea and biscuits to all)
 
My advice would be to take some time to think about our next step - always best no t to act in haste. See what happens today, will she bring your horse in? Or leave him in the field on his own, out of spite? If she does bring him in will she feed him?

Often when people blow up like that, they cool down quickly and carry on as if nothing happened, often leaving a tail of destruction behind them. It is up to you, whether you would be able to continue as before.

If you decide to stay on the yard, I would make sure that there is hay for him to come into and a bucket with a small amount of whatever you want him to eat ready in the stable - the bucket can have a cover on to keep unwanted visitors out during the day. Then she can have no 'reason' to feed your horse.
 
As she is not normally like that, it may be that she has something going on in her personal life at the moment and she is over stressed or upset about it and you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You could always leave your horses food ready made up in the stable so if she brings your horse in, she won't feed it anything else
 
To me it reads like something had upset her and you got in the way, not nice when it happens. It is very nice of her to think of your horse when bringing in hers. I know that most horse people would do but to be honest some wouldn't. it prob might have rubbed her the wrong way you questioning about what he was eating, your right really , I know but today for some reason it just pushed a button. your choice is really to ask her just to leave your horse alone or to put up with the odd carrot so to speak. I would go tonight armed with cakes and have a chat and a hug and simply get over it. Blame yourself and your worry over your horse's health if that helps, tell her how wonderful she is and how much you really appreciate her (gush gush) and see what happens. bottom line.....do you want to move!
 
Pearlsasinger's suggestion about leaving food and hay is spot on. Nice yards with nice people are hard to find and frankly if I've learned anything over the many years I've lived on this earth, it's that a bunch of flowers or a box of chocs, a smile and "I'm really sorry if I upset you, I didn't mean to" is so much better than trawling over the rights and wrongs. You've had a good relationship with her for a long time, sit down with a cup of coffee and sort it out. Chances are she'll also apologise or perhaps mention something that's been bugging her for a while that you weren't even aware of. Good luck, I hope you can smooth things over, chances are she's as upset as you are!
 
Thanks guys for your response. The lack of riding (due to ground and me being on my tod) has been getting me down and the tirade this morning has just left me feeling like I don't want to do it anymore (though I love my horse more than life itself it's just not enjoyable at the moment).

I hope your right, I think I'm too much of a coward though. Both of us live away from the yard so we only really see it other up there for a few mins a day and I'm sorry to say I'm not sure I'm brave enough to go up with a box of chocolates and say sorry. I tried this morning and she just through it in my face but hopefully you're right and things will get better. I would never speak to someone I didn't like, let alone a friend, the way she did to me this morning. Even if everything goes back to normal I'm not sure I'll ever forget the way she spat 'you're an ungrateful cow' at me. It felt like she's felt this way for awhile. To be honest it was like something about of a dream.
 
I found myself in a very similar situation a few months ago. Very small diy yard, 4 owners altogether and 1 girl I have known for over 30 years, she is in her 40s, Im a little older. There was an incident over water (long story so I wont bother to explain) which led to her yelling at me that I was selfish, thoughtless and only interested in myself. As I have helped her on countless occasions (we both helped each other whenever the need arose) I felt her comments were uncalled for, especially as she had completely misunderstood the incident in question. I tried to speak to her the next morning but she insisted I was in the wrong and didnt want to know me. As it is a very small yard and impossible to avoid each other completely she agreed that we would be civil to each other and leave it at that. I spent ages feeling upset about it and searching for another yard but couldnt find anything that suited me so just had to get on with it. About a month or so after the fallout I found a note on my tack room door to say that my horse had escaped from his rug in the field and that it was hanging on the fence for me. The following morning I thanked **** for rescuing the rug and asked if she saw what happened. Well, she chatted away to me as if nothing was wrong and since then calm had been restored. I will say that we no longer help each other out, in fairness neither of us require help very often and havent had to ask, it is a DIY yard after all so these things shouldnt be taken for granted. Im sure if help were needed it would be offered though. Im sure things will settle down, as someone else has said it is quite likely that you were the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Something had already upset her and you copped for it. Do you help her in any way, maybe you could offer to do something in return or even offer a small payment. The suggestion about leaving his stable ready for him is a good one too, leave his hay net up and his feed in a bucket with a cover on, she only needs to pop him in and you can finish off later. I had a real struggle to get another livery to not treat my horse when she gave hers carrots or bread, said she hated seeing his little face when he was left out. I did eventually manage to stop her doing it but only after he starting nipping for treats and I had to call the vet out for a lameness issue. I told a white lie and said it was related to his diet and he had to have everything sugar free, it was life or death, literally. I wouldnt do anything in haste though, give it a little while and let the dust settle.
 
MyBoyChe said:
I found myself in a very similar situation a few months ago. Very small diy yard, 4 owners altogether and 1 girl I have known for over 30 years, she is in her 40s, Im a little older. There was an incident over water (long story so I wont bother to explain) which led to her yelling at me that I was selfish, thoughtless and only interested in myself. As I have helped her on countless occasions (we both helped each other whenever the need arose) I felt her comments were uncalled for, especially as she had completely misunderstood the incident in question. I tried to speak to her the next morning but she insisted I was in the wrong and didnt want to know me. As it is a very small yard and impossible to avoid each other completely she agreed that we would be civil to each other and leave it at that. I spent ages feeling upset about it and searching for another yard but couldnt find anything that suited me so just had to get on with it. About a month or so after the fallout I found a note on my tack room door to say that my horse had escaped from his rug in the field and that it was hanging on the fence for me. The following morning I thanked **** for rescuing the rug and asked if she saw what happened. Well, she chatted away to me as if nothing was wrong and since then calm had been restored. I will say that we no longer help each other out, in fairness neither of us require help very often and havent had to ask, it is a DIY yard after all so these things shouldnt be taken for granted. Im sure if help were needed it would be offered though. Im sure things will settle down, as someone else has said it is quite likely that you were the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Something had already upset her and you copped for it. Do you help her in any way, maybe you could offer to do something in return or even offer a small payment. The suggestion about leaving his stable ready for him is a good one too, leave his hay net up and his feed in a bucket with a cover on, she only needs to pop him in and you can finish off later. I had a real struggle to get another livery to not treat my horse when she gave hers carrots or bread, said she hated seeing his little face when he was left out. I did eventually manage to stop her doing it but only after he starting nipping for treats and I had to call the vet out for a lameness issue. I told a white lie and said it was related to his diet and he had to have everything sugar free, it was life or death, literally. I wouldnt do anything in haste though, give it a little while and let the dust settle.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your reply. I forgot to mention in my other message the stable is always ready with hay, bedding and water. The feed situation is tricky as we have a massive mouse problem and selfishly I enjoy feeding my horse myself (I guess that's my problem though). I always offer to bring hers in if she's busy or running late (and have done on more than one occasion). We also cover each other for holidays etc

The feeding issue is the same yours had. She thinks he's getting left which is very kind but I don't think does him any good as I don't like him rummaging in pockets grabbing at people over the door.
 
I agree with the others you probably just said something at the wrong time when she had other things on her mind and she overreacted. Do you return the favour and get her horses in for her if you're first up? If you don't, maybe that's what's bugging her?

Whether you were wrong isn't really the issue, if you want to stay and get on with her, you need to do what's going to make that easiest.

Either sit down and have a good chat with her or if you'd find it easier (or if she won't let you get a word in sideways) write her a little note (on a nice card, not a scrap of paper maybe accompanied by some flowers?) apologising for upsetting her (you can apologise for upsetting her without actually apologising for doing anything) and explaining why you were asking about his feed and that you are indeed very grateful for her bringing your horse in and you're sorry if you haven't shown it well enough.
 
SirBrastias said:
Thanks for your reply. I forgot to mention in my other message the stable is always ready with hay, bedding and water. The feed situation is tricky as we have a massive mouse problem and selfishly I enjoy feeding my horse myself (I guess that's my problem though). I always offer to bring hers in if she's busy or running late (and have done on more than one occasion). We also cover each other for holidays etc

The feeding issue is the same yours had. She thinks he's getting left which is very kind but I don't think does him any good as I don't like him rummaging in pockets grabbing at people over the door.
Click to expand...

How about leaving something low calorie, in a Tupperware pot (mouse proof), in a bucket for lady to feed him.

e.g. the Bailey’s high fibre nugget. A small handful is few calories.
 
Sorry to hear you have had this situation. I am really sensitive and if someone says something to me i usually just hide in the cupboard! If you like the yard and feel you can get past this then id stay. If not then maybe look to move; you tend to get this at most yards but i think that in this situation it was uncalled for and you hae done nothing wrong and shouldnt apologise for anything.
 
It sounds like the incident with the food was the final straw. Whether that is down to something else going on in her life or something you've done remains to be seen. Has her bringing your horse in shifted from you asking her to bring him in to you assuming she will as she has always done so? I can imagine if at the start it was a "do you mind bringing him in when you bring yours in?" and now it's a case of she knows she can't leave him out alone so has to bring him in when she brings her own in, that it would be frustrating, particularly if she feels she is doing you a favour and not getting a quick "thanks" each time.

If she is willing to still bring him in with hers could you leave his feed mixed up in a tupperware container so she just has to pop it in his bucket? That would solve the issue of her feeding him things he's not allowed.

As for speaking to her, if you really think you're going to struggle perhaps write out a little card or letter explaining that you're sorry if she's deemed you ungrateful and you really do appreciate all the help she gives you etc.
 
It's horrible when things like that happen! I had an argument with my best friend (since age 5) a few years back, it was a total misunderstanding on both our parts. We didn't talk for months and it was very awkward because we live in such a small village. Then, one day we just made up again and we've been best of friends every since!
I think she'll get over it :) Probably just having a very very trying day or something. Good luck!
 
if it was winter and muddy then bringing him im is probably a pain in the ars* and takes her extra time and effort. It can be a pain bringing in two, even at the same time, and even small things like them spooking in the wind and jumping sideways can be annoying on a bad day. She probably feels like she helps you out all the time and all she gets is being given out to over something she feels is ridiculous (like feeding the odd carrot). How many carrots does she give him? I have a tb with bad feet and low sugar diet too. But i'd ignore the random carrot giving as the benefits of her bringing him in outweight the bits of extra sugar.

If she had a bad day it was probably the straw that broke the camels back. if i was you I'd write her a lovely card thanking her for all the times she brought them in. Saying you always appreciated her friendship and you don't want to fall out.

If you trust that she's not giving him buckets of feed could you not let it slide at times? He might get a bit extra sugar some days, but in fairness that's not the end of the world if you are managing him right the rest of the time. The only other option is for her to stop handling him at all, and you have 100% control over everything. i can completely see why she reacted. in her eyes she helps you out, at her effort, all the time, she probably feels taken for granted and at the time she feels like she's getting accused of some kind of mishandling (in her eyes) and that you don't trust what she does. I think a nice apology card and gift would do the world of good.
 
See how the land lies later, small box of choccy's always a good call! Does sound like you got caught in the crosshairs here and she prob feels bad for snapping.

However long term sounds like you want to ride more so perhaps looking at another yard isnt that bad an idea!
 
How often does she bring in your horse? How often do you bring in her horses? The way you've written it sounds like she brings your horses in almost every day and you bring hers in very occasionally. If that is the case, perhaps she feels taken for granted if you aren't thanking her every time, and tbh I actually would thank someone every time if they brought my horse in.
 
paddi22 said:
if it was winter and muddy then bringing him im is probably a pain in the ars* and takes her extra time and effort. It can be a pain bringing in two, even at the same time, and even small things like them spooking in the wind and jumping sideways can be annoying on a bad day. She probably feels like she helps you out all the time and all she gets is being given out to over something she feels is ridiculous (like feeding the odd carrot). How many carrots does she give him? I have a tb with bad feet and low sugar diet too. But i'd ignore the random carrot giving as the benefits of her bringing him in outweight the bits of extra sugar.

If she had a bad day it was probably the straw that broke the camels back. if i was you I'd write her a lovely card thanking her for all the times she brought them in. Saying you always appreciated her friendship and you don't want to fall out.

If you trust that she's not giving him buckets of feed could you not let it slide at times? He might get a bit extra sugar some days, but in fairness that's not the end of the world if you are managing him right the rest of the time. The only other option is for her to stop handling him at all, and you have 100% control over everything. i can completely see why she reacted. in her eyes she helps you out, at her effort, all the time, she probably feels taken for granted and at the time she feels like she's getting accused of some kind of mishandling (in her eyes) and that you don't trust what she does. I think a nice apology card and gift would do the world of good.
Click to expand...

Yes this absolutely, I turn my friends pony in and out and when pony is a knob I just want to scream, it really winds me up and then I blow up over something really small with said friend. For example I nearly had a breakdown at her last week because she put my headcollar away in the wrong place :o (Pony is going on Saturday so hopefully we can resume being friends again and me not being annoyed at her 99% of the time!)
 
We all know that this time of year can owning horses a miserable wet and muddy chore. I'm sure that you don't for a second mean it but is it possible that your horse has become just another wet and muddy job to do for this other woman? Maybe your comment was just the straw that broke the camel's back. In all honesty you can't expect someone to make exceptions for your horse, put themselves out for you and then criticise them for not doing it properly. Ofcourse that's not what you feel but it may be how it's coming across. Liveries doing favours for each other can quickly lead to falling out and misunderstandings which nobody wants. Maybe best to just pop your big girl pants on and apologise for what she, rightly or wrongly, perceives as an insult. There are more important things to fall out with liveries about. And it'll be spring soon and everyone will be much happier :)
 
Be the bigger person for now and apologise for seemingly taking her for granted...either to her face or if you really can't, then in a card.
You may find that her sister had been telling her how she is being taken for granted and that may be what triggered it. Maybe she has been moaning to her sister about it instead of you and being caught out feeding your horse triggered her response.
Tell her you would understand if she no longer wanted to help but would be grateful if she did and that perhaps a small payment or an offer of something in return would help.
Then decide what you want to do about whether or not to stay...
Sometimes we do take people for granted without meaning to .
 
Last edited:
This is why I don't accept help with mine. It always leads to some sort of drama, and I'm no good at enabling nonsense.

Would your horse actually be all that bothered if he were left out alone until you arrived, or has this simply been assumed to be the case? I would see about getting him used to being left alone, and if necessary take a small rescue pony on loan as a companion, then they can both stay out until you get there. Just inform fellow livery that you'd rather not have her feeling obligated, since it clearly doesn't suit her. Problem sorted, and your horse will be kept to your routine. This will most likely be far better for him than bringing in at random times of day. It will definitely be better for you.

Whatever's going on with her, going off on a rant isn't okay at all. The only card I'd give her would be one explaining how upsetting her sudden tirade had actually been! Your horse had his stable ready, there was hay there, no need to give him carrots or hard feed, end of story. If catching in didn't suit her, then she didn't have to do it. She can manage her internal/personal issues on her own time; I sincerely doubt that an employer would put up with it.

Detach and move on, possibly through the healing medium of chocolate for yourself.
 
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. On a normal day I would get to the yard first. Occasionally, at the most once a week but probably less, she leaves work early and beats me by about 5mins in which case she chooses to bring him in. I've never asked or expected her to do this and I do say thank you. Maybe not everytime I see her at 6.30 in the morning when I'm still asleep or worrying about work but I've never knowingly acted ungrateful. I have and do bring hers in if I feel it would be a benefit. She doesn't really like this as their 'her horses' and she hates 'owing people' which I think is maybe half the problem. Tbh I don't mind the odd carrot of handful of food but I would like reassurance it's not the build up mix she feeds hers or something unreasonable which is the only reason I mentioned it. I've gone to give my horse a mint before and she's essentuslly pushed in front of me so she can 'be fair' and give every horse the same treats.

I probably shouldn't have brought up the feed but truthfully just thought it was an innocence enquiry. We've always helped each other out and covered for each not expecting anything back. Or so I've presumed. I've missed out on holidays because I've previously agreed to look after her horses first before going away and have never made out anything was an incovience. I've even neglected my (limited) schooling so she would have someone to hack with (she hates schooling) and have tried to make her feel guilty.

I'm just hurt at the way she spoke to me and the venom that was in her voice. I've got no choice but to see his things go but it saddens me that it's come to this.
 
Arizahn said:
This is why I don't accept help with mine. It always leads to some sort of drama, and I'm no good at enabling nonsense.

.
Click to expand...

I'm exactly the same. The only person I 100% trust to look after my horse is my instructor. I've had too many bad experiences/let downs with others when they've done anything with my mare.
 
Oh well that puts a different complexion on things. So you usually bring in her horses and she only does yours occasionally? Sorry, the way your worded it sounded like it was the other way around. Well if you bring her horses in far more often than she brings yours in, I'm not sure why she was so upset about the whole thing.
 
If you aren't happy with the lack of hacking, maybe it's time to look around anyway. Could be this was last straw for both of you for different reasons. I know if I felt taken advantage of, say be always getting another horse in, i'd be getting miffed this time of year. Can you offer to help with hers when you are not at work? Give her an evening off each week to say thanks? Get her a bag of carrots to show no hard feelings. You need to get rid of the dread feeling, or it will be a very long winter.
 
Oh dear. I'm not being very clear. She's always acted put out when I've brought hers in, like I'm depriving her of doing her horses. So I do them when it's miserable and I think it would benefit or if I know she's going to be especially late. Not all the time just occasionally.

Regarding her bringing my boy in she chooses to do it if she's up first which is rare but sometimes she leaves work early (wish I could) so gets up before me. She's always brings mine in if she's up first as she doesn't want to leave him on his own.

I don't know how he'd cope. Sometimes he can be a stress head but most of time he is ok. I saw her go down to the field at the weekend and actually asked her to leave him so we could see how he'd react (he neighed once but was fine).

I really appreciate her bringing him in and showing him kindness but not if its an 'you owe me' or your ungrateful etc. I've lent her rugs, given her lickits if my horse doesn't like them. All sorts of acts just out of kindness and never expected anything back.
 
SirBrastias said:
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. On a normal day I would get to the yard first. Occasionally, at the most once a week but probably less, she leaves work early and beats me by about 5mins in which case she chooses to bring him in. I've never asked or expected her to do this and I do say thank you. Maybe not everytime I see her at 6.30 in the morning when I'm still asleep or worrying about work but I've never knowingly acted ungrateful. I have and do bring hers in if I feel it would be a benefit. She doesn't really like this as their 'her horses' and she hates 'owing people' which I think is maybe half the problem. Tbh I don't mind the odd carrot of handful of food but I would like reassurance it's not the build up mix she feeds hers or something unreasonable which is the only reason I mentioned it. I've gone to give my horse a mint before and she's essentuslly pushed in front of me so she can 'be fair' and give every horse the same treats.

I probably shouldn't have brought up the feed but truthfully just thought it was an innocence enquiry. We've always helped each other out and covered for each not expecting anything back. Or so I've presumed. I've missed out on holidays because I've previously agreed to look after her horses first before going away and have never made out anything was an incovience. I've even neglected my (limited) schooling so she would have someone to hack with (she hates schooling) and have tried to make her feel guilty.

I'm just hurt at the way she spoke to me and the venom that was in her voice. I've got no choice but to see his things go but it saddens me that it's come to this.
Click to expand...

I'm still wrapping my head around the mint incident. You absolutely do have a choice. Tell her to wise up and mind her own business. Then stop helping her out and do what you want to do with your horse. Don't hack if you want to school, don't catch in, don't engage at all.
 
Okay, so if I was you I'd just do my horse myself and not bother with her having to bring him in. And leave her to do her own horses. Then everyone gets everything done how they want it without anyone else interfering.
 
[QUOTE\SirBrastias;12770937]Oh dear. I'm not being very clear. She's always acted put out when I've brought hers in, like I'm depriving her of doing her horses. So I do them when it's miserable and I think it would benefit or if I know she's going to be especially late. Not all the time just occasionally.

Regarding her bringing my boy in she chooses to do it if she's up first which is rare but sometimes she leaves work early (wish I could) so gets up before me. She's always brings mine in if she's up first as she doesn't want to leave him on his own.

I don't know how he'd cope. Sometimes he can be a stress head but most of time he is ok. I saw her go down to the field at the weekend and actually asked her to leave him so we could see how he'd react (he neighed once but was fine).

I really appreciate her bringing him in and showing him kindness but not if its an 'you owe me' or your ungrateful etc. I've lent her rugs, given her lickits if my horse doesn't like them. All sorts of acts just out of kindness and never expected anything back.[/QUOTE]

So she actually doesn't want you to help her, that's fine; respect her choice. And your horse is fine out alone for short periods, so doesn't need to be brought in with her horses. Also fine; tell her not to bother catching him in. There is no need for drama.

ETA: Act of Cat re whatever the heck happened with that quote btw..
 
Last edited:
Without wanting to state the obvious, perhaps it's best if the pair of you only tend to your own horses in future. And if you want to school rather than hack, just say so. You're both adults, it sounds like this could all be solved with a little communication on both sides.
 
Arizahn said:
I'm still wrapping my head around the mint incident. You absolutely do have a choice. Tell her to wise up and mind her own business. Then stop helping her out and do what you want to do with your horse. Don't hack if you want to school, don't catch in, don't engage at all.
Click to expand...

The treat thing is hard. Basically she doesn't want to leave the other horses (mine and the YOs) out so has to give everyone a treat. Even if I'm standing there. With a mint/carrot whatever. She even once tried to give me a carrot to give to him and I said no thanks I've got something/he's already had one. Which she didn't like. Since I made a point of asking her not to give him so much she is better but if she thinks she can sneak him something she does. Her non-horsey sister has no shame and will openly feed him something while I'm stood there tending to him.

I don't want to go down the you do yours and I'll do mine and we won't help each other out but I think you may be right in that there isn't much choice now.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top