Any struggling mum? Unsure what to do....

Zirach

Zirach

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I was wondering if anyone has any impartial advice. I am a mum to two gorgeous boys ages 3 and 10 months and I am really struggling with my horse. Apologies in advance for long post!
I have owned horses for years, never been a particular brave or experienced rider, moreso in it for my love of horses. I used to share with my horsey mum, which was the case up until the birth of my second son last year when mum had a back op and no desire to ride or help care for our horse.
I have been doing it alone. Mucking out right up to the week before birth. But I turned him away from riding due to lack of time with my other child, pregnancy complications. I have tried to bring him back into work but with two children, going back to work 3 days a week and winter I am struggling.
I can manage to care for my horse, mucking out, turnout, groom etc but as it's winter I'm struggling to ride more than once a week.
I've unwillingly tried to find a sharer but the ones who contacted me were either very novicey or wanting to jump and race around everywhere.
I've been in tears thinking about having to loan him out and guess I am after some supportive messages from other members on here in similar circumstances making it work or at least getting by or even realistic advice.
We are comfortably off but not wealthy and couldn't afford pay a rider or full livery and my childcare is used up when I work (which I have to do to pay for the horse!) I know things will be easier in the summer but then winter is just around the corner again :-(
 
Is he the kind of horse that needs regular exercise? I am in a similar situation to you as a working Mum, although my kids are older. I also struggle in winter with no facilities but my darling of a Highland couldn't care less if he gets ridden as long as he gets turnout! So he has winter off and I ignore anyone who calls me a fair-weather rider. After the birth of my second child I had horrendous health problems and with work two young kids, my mare hardly did a thing for three years. I didn't care, I got to keep her, cuddle her and love her and she had the home for life that I had promised her. If your horse is a more a pet than anything, let go of the guilt, enjoy the good weather when you can ride and cuddle him and dream of summer when you can't. Life is hard enough without beating yourself up over a well-fed, well-cared for horse!

ETS: I am also neither brave nor experienced and I ride on the days when I feel I am both. Although I am about to do a confidence workshop that will hopefully help me with this.
 
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Don't beat yourself up about it - family needs to come first and I know that it's hard to adjust to that - I've struggled to change my mindset having gone from being child free and able to ride as much as I wanted to having a young child & going back to work full time.

I did consider a loan but was put off by the risks - if a loan ended abruptly I'd then be left trying to find a yard/care for the horse again when I didn't have time.

Instead I moved my horse onto a cheap yard that does assisted grass livery - I got up a few days a week, hack out on weekends (weather permitting), lunge or potter about in their arena which isn't the greatest but it will do.

Horse doesn't give a toss - he's happy living out in his heard and being checked daily by the yard owner - I'm lucky that he's a good doer and only gets a hard feed a few days a week.

It's taken the pressure off me and I'm looking forward to spring/summer when I can hack out a few times a week - gone are my ambitions of competing again but I do enjoy the rare hacks that I can manage - good to get some me time!

I'm also looking for a sharer - not found much so far but will keep looking and hopefully find the right person but I won't stress out of I don't.
 
The way I see it you've got a few options.

Leave him as he is until the nights get lighter and you will have more time to do things. Unless he is the sort going off his nut because he isn't in work then it won't do him any harm at all. Lots of horses don't get ridden very much (if at all) over the winter months. Is your horse going to care if he doesn't get ridden until May?

Advertise again for a sharer/rider - be very very specific in your advert. State that you don't want first timers as you need someone to help to give you a break - not someone that you have to watch all the time! Be clear that you need someone reliable who will respect your wishes in relation to how your horse is looked after and ridden. There are good people out there. It took me ages to find someone reliable to help me with riding mine.
 
Does he need to be ridden more than once a week? If it's bothering you then is its possible to stretch the extra money to pay a rider? Or can you give him a few months holiday and take pressure off? Does most horses good to have the shoes off and chill out for a holiday.

You can be lucky with sharers. I was always really wary about getting once as I'm a control freak! But i realised it would take pressure off so i was being more open to it and then i saw the perfect ad for one. i have one now whose ad was very detailed and said exactly what she was looking for in a share and what she could offer - she wanted a school for dressage lessons, only did flatwork and was willing to do grooming and mucking out, but was only available when her kids were at school. Mightn't have been any use to 99% of people but perfect for me. If you put up a detailed sharer ad the right person might come along.
 
thank you so much, I have been feeling low and guilty about things and your kind and honest words have made me feel so much better.
He is a Welsh x and not highly strung at all and is fine to ride as and when I do. He has regular turnout with company and wants for nothing other than regular riding and schooling. I pay a nominal fee to a lovely reliable lady to bring in some afternoons when I am working and try and share turnout with another mum. My husband has been great and always says that he doesn't want me to part with him but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty. Maybe if I take some pressure off we will all feel happier, horse included!
 
If he's not the sort of horse who needs keeping in exercise more than once per week I really wouldn't worry. Since having my daughter I only usually get to ride once, maybe twice per week. My instructor rides her three times per week for me however, but even if that wasn't the case then my horse wouldn't care or be any less happy for being a field ornament 6 days per week.
 
Zirach said:
My husband has been great and always says that he doesn't want me to part with him but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty. Maybe if I take some pressure off we will all feel happier, horse included!
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Stop beating yourself up. You have the support of your husband, horse is cared for and doesn;t give a stuff if not ridden 7 days a week so take deep breath and enjoy what time you do have to ride.

I have a nearly 3 year old, a full time job and a quirky ISH. I still only ride 4 times a week but everyone (including horse) is happy with that so I relish my pony time.
 
I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. Your boys are small...enjoy them, they grow up all too quickly :)
Your horse sounds like a dream and I think the only one fretting is you...let go of the guilt and enjoy having a little break as I'm sure your horse will. He sounds very well loved and cared for and as you said, he wants for nothing. He'll be waiting for you when you're ready to do more xxx
 
Totally feel your pain.

I have two preschool children and two horses (albeit one is 22years and other is a weanling) - so in a way I should not feel guilty about not riding the oldie, but I did harbour ambitions for doing BD with him before he gets too old! But I can hardly ride once a week if that let alone compete!

He would be a great fun loan horse for the right rider but he is a stallion and therefore, no, it's not worth the risks.

So, I have them turfed out as much as poss (I'm DIY livery too!) and work shifts. I'm lucky my husband is really understanding and helps out. But I do wish I could compete or even school regularly - I've realised I will just have to wait ....

I'm led to believe things get easier! Hang on in there!

...even organising farrier or vet for jabs required military planning! I do miss being able to mess about all day with them or cleaning up stuff or whatever. But horses don't seem to care!!
 
Hang on in there it will get easier and your babies won't be babies for long! My kids - well one mine, one step child who lives with us -are 6 & nearly 4, it's only since my youngest started nursery 5 mornings a week (don't know if it's different in England but up here all 3 plus get 20 hours free childcare a week) that life has got easier. If your horses basic needs are met I'm sure he's perfectly happy x
 
With a toddler, a full-time job and the current weather mine is roughed off for the winter out in the field with his companion. I know he'll be fine to bring back into work in spring, its not his first extended holiday.

It was tougher when I had him on livery as there was more pressure to "use" him then, both from other liveries and from myself / OH due to livery costs and the amount of time spent mucking out etc. Really though, unless you are about to drag him out for a fun ride when he's unfit or something I can't see any reason to feel guilty about not riding if he has decent turnout (i.e. not a postage stamp of mud). Feeling sad about it is different, and I certainly feel that when the sun is shining and I'd love to go for a decent hack but horse isn't fit enough, but its amazing how quickly the kids grow.
 
I also think back to only a few months ago when I was still breastfeeding and had to take littlest one with me everywhere and having to turn out /muck out and do jobs on super speed before she woke up screaming in the car! ...now that was stress. Glad that stage is behind me! And there was no chance of riding etc then.

Unless your hot2trot (on here) who manages to event and have young children /breastfeed all at the same time lol! (My hero!) . Look up maternaventing if you've not seen it - it's true to life and hilarious!
 
Don't underestimate just how bad this weather is and how much it puts us off either! I don't even have kids and mine (my horse and share horse) aren't getting anywhere near enough work at the moment. Share horse is ridden maybe 3 times a week between me and his owner (he needs keeping as fit as poss as is a very good doer and takes far too long to get to decent level of fitness if left) and mine is lucky to get ridden once. Once the nights are a bit lighter and this awful rain and wind stops, they'll both get more work. I'm not too worried.
 
Are you able to do grass livery at all?
I work shifts and have two young children. There's no way I could look after the kids, keep the house from looking like a complete tip and keep a horse, let alone ride as well.
My two mares are at grass out 24/7 and they really don't care if on busy days I only spend 20 mins up there doing the basic or if I only ride once a week.
Your children will both be at school in a few years time and you will have plenty of time for the ponies then. In the meantime enjoy your kids and don't put too much pressure on yourself!
 
once a week in the winter is fine!
yes, horses cost money, so we therefore feel we want to 'make the most' of them and ride loads, but it sounds like you are similar to me: you don't want to compete or have a show winner, you just enjoy having a horse. riding is part of that, but only a small part.
i used to try and fit in quick hacks in the week in the winter, but i did not even enjoy it. I work 6 days a week so in the winter sunday is the only day I ride. my horses are happy to just be turned out and cared for. I think they do enjoy being ridden (my old man who is 18 was very forward on the common last weekend!) but dont mind going weeks with out it, after all, they are not really born to be ridden, they are born to eat!
my other half and I are planning a family soon and I will still have 4 horses, but they will just get lots of time off and probably be very happy! as i also dont trust many people with looking after, let alone riding them.
 
I don't have children and the horses are at home but it is weeks since I have ridden. There is a lot going on in my life atm and the weather has been dreadful since the beginning of November, so the horses are fed, turned out when the weather permits and are not complaining about not being ridden. You are the only one putting you under pressure, so just relax about it, at least until the weather improves/clocks change and if necessary, until your children are a little older. The horse will be fine!
 
I agree with pretty much all the posts above. Your horse will more than likely love having a break. The majority do.

My children are all much older, but now I have my aged mum to keep an eye on. This winter I've ridden very little, and my horse and I are none the worse for it. Mine has just been given a guarded "all clear" after a tendon injury, but I'm always finding reasons not to ride in this vile weather. He'll wait!

Don't beat yourself up and make riding into a chore. It's supposed to be fun, so ride when you feel ready, and enjoy your young family - who don't stay young for long!
 
I totally agree with what others are saying! Stop stressing, if you can ride once a week do it if you can't it doesn't matter. As long as your horse has good turnout or can live out 24/7. My cob lives out 24/7 and I'm not riding at all at the moment and probably won't until the spring.
 
I think you are doing amazingly well to manage to ride once a week given what you have going on and the appalling weather. You have no reason to feel guilty and I for one admire you for coping as you are. It does get easier, its just a case of juggling things and working out priorities. It doesn't matter if you can't do everything just concentrate on the important things, there will be time enough for the rest eventually.
 
Thank you all so so much. I was feeling so down the other week (apologies for the delay in gratitude, it's been a busy week!). All of your kind posts have really made me feel so much better about things. Even a little bit proud of myself! It is heartening to hear that I am not alone in this situation and that there are other struggling horsey mum's who are not afraid to admit that they find it difficult. I've caught the boys cold this week so have been under the weather but I am actually looking forward to my ride this weekend and you know what, if it tips it down this sat, I'm going to just give him and good groom and go home guilt free!!
 
Exactly! :) Do away with the guilt. I know I'm not alone in not having kids, and still not managing to ride with any regularity over winter. Enjoy the pony cuddles, and if you are able, chuck the horse out into a field as much as possible to minimise the work! :)
 
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