Anyone else ever feel like they are too nice?

[I See Clover]

I was brought up to be well-mannered, to listen to others, to be polite, honest, kind and to give/help as much as I can. I’m not a bitchy person and I avoid/hate confrontation at all costs. I keep my opinions to myself if I feel they would offend or hurt someone else. I don’t like to upset anyone or fall out with them because I care about other people‘s feelings and their opinions. I am a fairly quiet person, but not overly sensitive.

As a result, I sometimes feel people take the pee and I feel like I’m too nice (ie at work, university and just in general). The majority of the time, I fail to notice immediately and don’t actually realise they are taking advantage of my kindness until I get home and think about it.

I absolutely kick myself when I finally realise. I hate it!! Why do I have to be so nice?? Why can’t I be more upfront and not let people boss me around? I don’t think it is a bad thing to care about other people’s feelings. I just shouldn’t care what other people think of me though, but I do - and I don’t know how to stop!

Does anyone else ever feel like this? Does it go away as you get older and wiser? (I’m 21 this year)

Sorry for the rant!

 

[MochaDun]

I'd think you were my twin if it wasn't that I am old enough to be your mother yes I feel like this a lot of the time but have got better now (finally!) in my 40s at standing up and trying to let my little voice be heard though usually wracked with guilt afterwards as I always start thinking how the other person must be feeling I also hate situations where I feel like someone is trying to get a rise out of me to make me react in a way I'm not comfortable with. I lost count of how many assertiveness books I read and went on 2 courses! But being angry or annoyed or firm with people and expressing it is OK, it really is, assuming you've judged the situation right and if you get it wrong and feel you're out of turn it's easy..you can apologise. There are lots of situations I look back on from the last 20 years where I know now I should really have spoken up and let it be known even if harsh or loudly my true feelings, both with friends and in relationships and also family when I come to think of it. Sometimes no one can tell you how to be you just have to find the right and sometimes uncomfortable path for yourself. But it's also good that you care about other people, some people I know are totally inconsiderate of other people so being nice isn't always bad

 

[nosenseofdirection]

I'm sure people do take the pee but that doesn't mean you have to let them! It also doesn't mean that you have to bin your upbringing and behave badly. It is perfectly possible to get your point across politely. If you are not confident about doing this, pay attention to other people you respect and see how they go about this. Simple things help- stand up straight, breathe deeply and speak slowly. Don't feel afraid to say no to people- if you don't want to do what they are asking, or you do not have time. You can politely say, "no, I'm afraid I don't have time today", or "I'm sorry, I can't help."

If you don't mind doing what they are asking, do it, and don't feel that they have taken the pee- there is no point doing your own head in with stuff that isn't an issue. I always help people if it isn't going to make me late or cause a problem- you never know when you might need to ask for help in return. Just make sure you are not afraid to ask, if you do need it.

 

[I See Clover]

I'd think you were my twin if it wasn't that I am old enough to be your mother yes I feel like this a lot of the time but have got better now (finally!) in my 40s at standing up and trying to let my little voice be heard though usually wracked with guilt afterwards as I always start thinking how the other person must be feeling I also hate situations where I feel like someone is trying to get a rise out of me to make me react in a way I'm not comfortable with. I lost count of how many assertiveness books I read and went on 2 courses! But being angry or annoyed or firm with people and expressing it is OK, it really is, assuming you've judged the situation right and if you get it wrong and feel you're out of turn it's easy..you can apologise. There are lots of situations I look back on from the last 20 years where I know now I should really have spoken up and let it be known even if harsh or loudly my true feelings, both with friends and in relationships and also family when I come to think of it. Sometimes no one can tell you how to be you just have to find the right and sometimes uncomfortable path for yourself. But it's also good that you care about other people, some people I know are totally inconsiderate of other people so being nice isn't always bad

Thank you for replying - I am relieved to know I am not the only person that feels like this I never knew any courses existed. I think I would be too nervous for that, but might have a look at some books!

I am the same - I always look back and think "I should have spoke up," but never realise it at the time which is so frustrating!! I guess I just need to learn from those experiences and find a voice from somewhere. I suspect at some point in the future I will be put in a situation where I have no choice but to speak up and voice an opinion or stand up for myself - and maybe that will help resolve it. Or... I could just crawl back under my shell afterwards and resume my 'quiet' ways

P.s - We might not be tiwns, but you never know, you could be a distant relation

 

[I See Clover]

I'm sure people do take the pee but that doesn't mean you have to let them! It also doesn't mean that you have to bin your upbringing and behave badly. It is perfectly possible to get your point across politely. If you are not confident about doing this, pay attention to other people you respect and see how they go about this. Simple things help- stand up straight, breathe deeply and speak slowly. Don't feel afraid to say no to people- if you don't want to do what they are asking, or you do not have time. You can politely say, "no, I'm afraid I don't have time today", or "I'm sorry, I can't help."

If you don't mind doing what they are asking, do it, and don't feel that they have taken the pee- there is no point doing your own head in with stuff that isn't an issue. I always help people if it isn't going to make me late or cause a problem- you never know when you might need to ask for help in return. Just make sure you are not afraid to ask, if you do need it.

I don't intentionally let them take advantage, I can just be a bit slow and not realise to start with But there are times when I do notice straight away and I politely tell them I can't help etc. Sometimes, though, I feel like they push it and I feel more pressured into doing whatever they are asking and that is where I get stuck - I find it hard to be firmer with my answer.

People at work are the worst because they seem more reluctant to return help. Sometimes it's not the case where they ask for a favour, but where they don't ie - they leave a mess and I clean it up because I need to use the space (and don't have the guts to tell them to clean up after themselves) or find I am doing most of the work while they skive etc.

If you are not confident about doing this, pay attention to other people you respect and see how they go about this.

That's a good idea, thanks. I will be sure to watch out for it happening to others and see how they react.