Asking for a horse back without upsetting anyone.

[poiuytrewq]

Hi all, I posted about my horse last week or the week before. He's at a friends being used as a companion. Original plan was 6 months, he's now been there for 18. She does all the day to day care. I can visit whenever i like but realistically this is fairly rarely as even though he's very close Its an extra job to fit in and I do feel guilty at not doing him myself- Out of sight out of mind (I know thats terrible)
Recently i was worried about him being stood in mud 24/7. In summer I worry about him being out in flies 24/7, Her field seriously bad for flies for some reason whereas mines on an exposed hill so drier in winter and no flies in summer, In between i chill out a bit but the majority of the time i worry about him. There's no need he's checked 3 times a day, fed, hayed, rugs adjusted/checked.
I've also wondered if the fact I'm so dependant on company to ride out would be helped by riding and leading, My horse is better in company so why not stick some shoes on him and let him have a change of sceenery a few times a week (if hes up to it)- The other issue here is this friend is who i ride with so i dont want her to think I'm blaming her for not riding much! I'm not but i don't mind riding in cold or rain etc, she does.
Her horse also trashes my rugs, which although she repairs is really quite annoying as i spent a lot on decent rugs which I'm too scared to allow him to wear.

I've tried hard to push this all out of my mind because I am very lucky to have a retirement place for him and i tell myself I don't need another to poo pick and muck out, he's only 12 so its possibly a long time retired, now I'm working far less with horses though I am finding mine less of a chore to do so i think that's fine. Also one pony is 30- maybe a little older so he wont be around forever.

She has mentioned in the past that she couldn't afford another but in reality I only pay for his feed, trims, wormer so it's not really that much. She is already supplying ad-lib hay and grazing which must be the bigger expense.

I've been thinking about it more and more and drafted this..





Hi, I've been thinking now for a while about bringing X home. Several reasons, none at all to do with you! I worry about him standing out in mud and weather 24/7 and would be happier if regular chance to dry out and have clean dry rugs on. I feel guilty that i don't give him any attention, but don't have time to do him every day somewhere else. Then in the summer i hate him being out covered in flies as he is obviously pretty sensitive to them, Ive also wondered if i could use him to ride and lead meaning I am a bit more self sufficiant and able to do more with Ziggy, (current riding horse who i cant hack alone) who's currently bored silly! I think maybe getting out and about a little might also be nicer for him as hes still fairly young.
Also i just miss having him round, I'd never really planned for him to leave permenantly.
I know it's not ideal for you, I am happy to wait/help find a replacement companion if you think you'd need one. (she also has a pony but he is currently kept alongside not in with the horses)


What do you think? any tweaks or thoughts

 

[MuddyMonster]

I would take out the entire bit about the bit about mud & flies - I think that could possibly be open to be misintepretated as not happy with the care/facilities/set and therefore your friend's care, if that makes sense?


So I'd do something like the below ...

'Hi, I've been thinking now for a while about bringing X home. Several reasons, none at all to do with you! If i could use him to ride and lead meaning I am a bit more self sufficiant and able to do more with Ziggy, (current riding horse who i cant hack alone) who's currently bored silly! Also i just miss having him round, I'd never really planned for him to leave permenantly.

I know it's not ideal for you, I am happy to wait/help find a replacement companion if you think you'd need one. (she also has a pony but he is currently kept alongside not in with the horses)'

 

[Palindrome]

I don't think you need to provide an explanation to have him back as this is what was previously agreed.
Just say that your are ready/it's time to have him back and thank you so much for taking good care of him during those 18 months.

 

[dorsetladette]

Following on from MM, I'd even take a little more out of it.

'Hi, I've been thinking now for a while about bringing X home. Several reasons, none at all to do with you! horse Also i just miss having him round, I'd never really planned for him to leave permanently.

I know it's not ideal for you, I am happy to wait/help find a replacement companion if you think you'd need one. (she also has a pony but he is currently kept alongside not in with the horses)'

you don't need to explain anything. The less detail the less there is to be miss interpreted.

 

[Arzada]

Hard though it is I'd go and see her and talk face to face

 

[poiuytrewq]

Hard though it is I'd go and see her and talk face to face

I knew someone would say that. I know you're probably right but i hate stuff like that so so much!

 

[poiuytrewq]

I fear I will blurt worse than the above out and then get talked out of it all.
Last year i offered to go daily and poo pick to see if it helped keep the flies down but she talked me out of it and convinced me all was fine. I thought a message, we correspond most days by message puts across what i want to say without it all going wrong?

 

[ihatework]

I would most definitely not talk about the mud and flies - it will sound like a criticism however much you try and make it not.

Just, it was never meant to be permanent, you miss him, can work around her timescale (ie if she needs to make plans) and you appreciate how well she has cared for him.

 

[poiuytrewq]

Ok, noted re mud and flies, I was thinking I needed proper reasons and these are what's spurred this on.

 

[blitznbobs]

Don’t justify - if I read this I’d take total offence - much better to say I just miss him and want him back but face to face and not in a letter - don’t be a coward.

 

[MuddyMonster]

See, I don't think there is anything wrong with messaging - especially if the friend has over ridden concerns before.

It gives the receiver time to digest before you can talk about it face to face & the sender something to back up their face to face conversation, if they find it difficult.

Plus, I hate to say it but if it does go South )no reason it would here) you have written proof you want the horse back.

 

[4Hoofed]

I’m with everyone else, I’d literally just say hey, I miss having him round, I know it ended up being a bit longer then 6months so thank you so much for taking care of him! Don’t worry we can wait till you’ve got a companion for yours before he comes back!

To be honest I wouldn’t be too formal with it as when you sound formal I think it can make friends feel like there is an issue or something underlying! Obviously it friend then gets back up you can respond more formally, or give a time frame depending on how it goes?? If you text me every day then suddenly sent me a formal message I’d be a little thrown??

 

[Highmileagecob]

Go and see him when you know your friend will be around. All you really need to say is that you miss him so much, you had never planned for him to be away for eighteen months, and you are going to start making plans to bring him home, and does friend need any help to find another companion.

 

[NR88]

I wouldn't say that you will work around her finding another companion. If she is the type who has overruled and dismissed you previously, you might find that she resists finding a suitable replacement and your horse is still there this time next year.

I would suggest a suitable length of notice but advise that you can collect him sooner. You need a date in stone or you'll forever be having these conversations with her.

 

[poiuytrewq]

I wouldn't say that you will work around her finding another companion. If she is the type who has overruled and dismissed you previously, you might find that she resists finding a suitable replacement and your horse is still there this time next year.

I would suggest a suitable length of notice but advise that you can collect him sooner. You need a date in stone or you'll forever be having these conversations with her.

I wouldn't say she dismissed my concern as such, but I suppose If your horses are all you ever do you'd not see that, for example the mud or flies are weirdly worse at your place than anywhere else. I can see that because I obviously do my own but I also do bits of free lance stuff so had a lot to compare to.
I'd just figured I have time in summer and OH said he'd go and remove the heap i made for free that it was worth a try.

 

[Mfh999]

Just message that you've decided you want him home to be with your others now your circumstances have changed and would it be ok to collect him next week. Thank her for looking after him so well and she's welcome to come and see him if she wants. Short and sweet but to the point.

 

[webble]

Are you sure she wont read this? I'm another that wouldnt mention mud or flies

 

[expanding_horizon]

Just message that you've decided you want him home to be with your others now your circumstances have changed and would it be ok to collect him next week. Thank her for looking after him so well and she's welcome to come and see him if she wants. Short and sweet but to the point.

She’s a friend using him as a companion for her solo horse. It would be kind to give her sufficient time to find a replacement companion!

 

[poiuytrewq]

Are you sure she wont read this? I'm another that wouldnt mention mud or flies

Yes, I’ve mentioned hho before and she didn’t visit

 

[poiuytrewq]

She’s a friend using him as a companion for her solo horse. It would be kind to give her sufficient time to find a replacement companion!

Absolutely. I’d even be happy to find that companion for her. Im sure I could come up with something suitable, I’m sure many people would leap at this opportunity if they had a retired horse.
There is another pony there but he’s on restricted grazing, so companion is never totally alone, mine gos to the fence and stands by him while friend rides.
We have always thought he may not be enough for hers 24/7 though, I think she’d like a companion that can actually be with hers.

 

[seriously festive equine]

It's so hard when the loaner is a close friend! Defo agree w/ everyone about the mud and flys. I would keep it short and sweet and on a message. Hope your friend responds well!

 

[poiuytrewq]

It's so hard when the loaner is a close friend! Defo agree w/ everyone about the mud and flys. I would keep it short and sweet and on a message. Hope your friend responds well!

Its really difficult, I really don't want to upset her and am very grateful, Originally she was facing loosing her old lad and mine was needing 6 months off work so it suited us both. The two horses got on so well he stayed.

There are other difficulties, My horse now only has two little laminitis prone ponies who really need different management to him but since loosing my old horse the only option is to keep put all 3 together, Its worked but there are definitely times they would have been better off the grass.

 

[poiuytrewq]

I'd thought the mud and flies a good excuse/reason. I feel it does need an explanation as its going to be quite out of the blue. Good job i checked!

 

[dorsetladette]

Its really difficult, I really don't want to upset her and am very grateful, Originally she was facing loosing her old lad and mine was needing 6 months off work so it suited us both. The two horses got on so well he stayed.

There are other difficulties, My horse now only has two little laminitis prone ponies who really need different management to him but since loosing my old horse the only option is to keep put all 3 together, Its worked but there are definitely times they would have been better off the grass.

If you need a reason. This is a better one to put forward.

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

I'd agree with others about taking out the "mud & flies" bit; also I'm not sure what you mean about damaging rugs? Who is damaging the rugs? Your horse, or hers? And whose rugs? Sorry, not clear on this bit.

But yep I'd deffo leave out that mud & flies part as that deffo sounds like a criticism and could be read to mean that you don't think he is being cared for properly.

Agree about the difficulty of saying you want to have him back to her face, but actually I think this is gonna be the best - and kindest - way. Just say something along the lines of "look I realise I'm dropping a bit of a bombshell but I'm finding I'm missing the old guy and it was only ever intended to be a short-term arrangement wasn't it" sort of thing. Say that you'd really like him back as soon as possible and that you'll help her find a replacement companion.

 

[Northern Hare]

I knew someone would say that. I know you're probably right but i hate stuff like that so so much!

Drop her a quick msg to ask what time would suit her for you to pop over, as you'd like to have a chat about your plans for your horse.

That way, she will most probably know what's coming! Take over a couple of nice cakes and have a coffee and chat with her, it will go fine.

 

[poiuytrewq]

I'd agree with others about taking out the "mud & flies" bit; also I'm not sure what you mean about damaging rugs? Who is damaging the rugs? Your horse, or hers? And whose rugs? Sorry, not clear on this bit.

But yep I'd deffo leave out that mud & flies part as that deffo sounds like a criticism and could be read to mean that you don't think he is being cared for properly.

Agree about the difficulty of saying you want to have him back to her face, but actually I think this is gonna be the best - and kindest - way. Just say something along the lines of "look I realise I'm dropping a bit of a bombshell but I'm finding I'm missing the old guy and it was only ever intended to be a short-term arrangement wasn't it" sort of thing. Say that you'd really like him back as soon as possible and that you'll help her find a replacement companion.

Sorry! Her horse shreds mines rugs, this is at best a bit annoying but at worst means its hard to keep him covered in the summer which he really does need.

 

[poiuytrewq]

I really didn't mean it as critisism at all. In ways she's better than me. They get a late night check and mini feed by torch at about 10.30 whatever the weather. Mine definitely don't!

 

[nagblagger]

Different thought/perspective - is your pony happy where he is? Will he get stressed moving home?

 

[LadyGascoyne]

I would just say “how are you getting on with finding a companion? I know it’s been far longer than the 6 months we’d originally planned and I’d like to be able to get Horse home soon.”

I wouldn’t excuse, apologise or consider it a bombshell. The original plan was 6 months, it wasn’t meant to be a permanent arrangement.