Bereavement counselling to help with loss of animal

[HelenBack]

I was just wondering if anybody has ever tried bereavement counselling to help with the loss of an animal? I don't want to go into too much detail but I had my dog put to sleep three weeks ago. I'd dedicated my time to looking after him for his particular condition for over six months and he had been getting better. He relapsed though and we had got him booked in for tests but he deteriorated quickly and we had to make the decision for him before he got to them. It wasn't a black and white decision, we had to make it without all the facts and somebody else might have chosen to keep going but my partner and I decided he had been through enough and it would be unfair to put him through anymore. He was just seven.

I feel completely and utterly devastated and like the bottom has fallen out of my world. I've lost lots of dogs and horses before and dealt with the grief that comes with that but this is on a whole different level. I keep questioning whether I made the right decision or gave up on him too soon, wondering why I didn't notice the warning signs and generally feeling like I've completely let him down. In between that I just feel cheated of all the time we should have had with him and just can't comprehend the fact that he isn't coming back. I can't sleep and have absolutely no motivation for work. I'm not even really enjoying looking after my horse, although I do think being at the yard helps a bit.

I know these are all a part of the grieving process but it is literally going round my head 24 hours a day and I can't stop crying. I have phoned the Blue Cross a couple of times and they've been very helpful but I suppose I wonder whether at this stage I should just accept that this is part of the natural grieving process and it's going to take time or whether seeking some professional help would be a good idea.

I am prone to low mood, particularly around my animals, and have sought professional help before but I didn't feel that the person I spoke to really "got it" as some people just don't with animals do they? I am very reluctant to go down the anti-depressants route.

Anyway, I just wondered if anybody had found this sort of thing helpful or do I just need to give it more time?

 

[Sandstone1]

I am so sorry for your loss. Its a massive thing to go through so don't beat yourself up for struggling. The Blue cross is good but if you feel you need more help maybe talking to your Doctor would be a good place to start. Animals are a huge part of our lives and loosing one is a big deal so if you need help don't feel bad about it.

 

[Shilasdair]

Sorry for your loss, OP.
I haven't used them myself, but many people say the Blue Cross are helpful.
https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss

 

[poiuytrewq]

Are friends at the end just horses? I’m not sure but they were really helpful to me once.
The Blue Cross is also supposed to be very good.
So sorry for your loss.

 

[HelenBack]

Thank you all. I have phoned the Blue Cross a couple of times and they really were lovely. I suppose I feel like I shouldn't be phoning them every day but they do always say to phone as often as you like so maybe I should just do that when it's feeling like it's too much.

The GP is a good suggestion as well. I was speaking to one of our GPs over the summer and mentioned about everything I'd been going through with the dog and she told me that she has dogs and understands so maybe it would be worth getting an appointment with her.

 

[Sossigpoker]

Thank you all. I have phoned the Blue Cross a couple of times and they really were lovely. I suppose I feel like I shouldn't be phoning them every day but they do always say to phone as often as you like so maybe I should just do that when it's feeling like it's too much.

The GP is a good suggestion as well. I was speaking to one of our GPs over the summer and mentioned about everything I'd been going through with the dog and she told me that she has dogs and understands so maybe it would be worth getting an appointment with her.

I've spoken to a "standard " counsellor over the death of my horse, if you found one you didn't quite click with , it is worth trying another one. I've had counsellors that I didn't really like too , it's a very personal thing.

Definitely have a word with your GP especially if you're prone to low mood anyway, and don't forget that you can call the Samaritans over anything, sometimes it helps just to have a cry and tell someone how much you're hurting.

Grief is grief, it doesn't matter whether you've lost a human or an animal.

Be kind to yourself, these things can take time.
I lost one of my horses nearly 4 years ago and still get choked up when I talk about him.

 

[SO1]

Sorry for your loss. Animal samaritans offer a service as well as Blue Cross. I am sure the Blue Cross and these others service won't mind if you call them a lot they are there to help people like you.

http://www.animalsamaritans.org.uk/Bereavement-Memorial-page

 

[eahotson]

I am so sorry foot your loss.I lost my old dog last year and still miss her a lot even though I have a new one who is lovely.

 

[L&M]

So sorry for your loss and 'hear you'.

Time, time and more time.

When I lost my lab at 14 yrs, who had been my soulmate for life and been my constant through birth/divorce/illness etc, I felt part of me had died with her. I never felt grief like it and am ashamed to say it was a worse loss than any human in my life. For around 6 mnths I would just randomly cry, and often wake up in in the night worrying that I could have done more for her......(she had cancer and we had no clue until one day she refused to eat and didn't want to go for a walk - took her the vets for a check up and she never came home).

The things that helped me was to create a picture board of her,, and putting her name tag on my car keys so felt I was carrying a little part of her around with me. I still have her collar and bowl put away in a cupboard, but do still offer me some comfort.

It might be worth asking your vets if they can recommend a bereavement service as have seen our practice advertising something similar.

 

[Trouper]

This is such a hard thing to deal with - losing an animal always affects me more than losing a human and I am not ashamed to admit that.

I wondered, if you had a good relationship with someone at your vet's, whether they could talk you through everything that was happening medically with your boy at the end and that might clarify things for you and remove some of the guilt you are feeling. The tests might, or might not, reveal that something could have been done - but for how long? That is a gamble you have to take but I often find dealing with the facts a lot easier than a life spent agonising over the "what ifs".

I hope you start to find some peace soon - I am sure he would not want to think he had left you so unhappy.

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

I’m so sorry. I lost the dog on my avatar in July and it was absolutely devastating. I know it’s a huge cliché, but honestly, time helps.

 

[benz]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I too lost my dog recently (6 months ago) and it’s been as hard as losing a person, I miss her so much. I wish I’d had the courage to call the blue cross but I didn’t, I’ve managed and it’s easier to deal with now although I still occasionally burst into tears and I miss her so much, but I would say if you feel they are helping then keep calling. It’s not easy so be kind to yourself and take all the help you can get, hugs xx

 

[Ratface]

Deep condolences for the loss of your dog.
My dear companion cat had to be PTS in July this year. I still howl with grief at least once a day.
Perhaps continue to call the Blue Cross. Virtual hugs available 24/7. Xx

 

[ycbm]

I'm sorry that losing your young dog after a long fight is hitting you so hard. It feels extra cruel when you've tried so hard and had signs that there was hope. The mental "what ifs" are crucifying. I hope the hurt begins to fade a bit soon.

If you are certain you don't want to go down the prescribed antidepressants route then there's not much to be gained from going to your GP for a rushed 7 minutes consultation. You could try some St John's Wort, which is herbal but still an effective SSRI and will be completely in your control when you take it and how much. Check for interaction with anything else you take first though.

You can also self refer for Talking Therapy, and although you aren't likely to get the therapy any time soon, the triage consultation itself can be extremely helpful, as I found out myself.
.

 

[dorsetladette]

Sorry for your loss. I lost a very special pony about 6 yrs ago and I still have moments.

The BHS do a 'friend at the end' service - might be worth a look.

 

[HelenBack]

Thank you so much for all the replies and support and sorry to those of you who have also lost pets. I completely agree that for me at least, losing an animal is much harder than losing a relative, and it does seem to be in the middle of the night that it's at its worst.

This is such a hard thing to deal with - losing an animal always affects me more than losing a human and I am not ashamed to admit that.

I wondered, if you had a good relationship with someone at your vet's, whether they could talk you through everything that was happening medically with your boy at the end and that might clarify things for you and remove some of the guilt you are feeling. The tests might, or might not, reveal that something could have been done - but for how long? That is a gamble you have to take but I often find dealing with the facts a lot easier than a life spent agonising over the "what ifs".

I hope you start to find some peace soon - I am sure he would not want to think he had left you so unhappy.

Speaking to a vet is what I'd really like to do actually but I never really managed to develop a good relationship with any of them and felt quite let down by most of the vets I saw over the past several months. The difficulty also was that it was very much a quality of life/ pain related decision rather than one based on how much more time he might have had. So I know for a fact that I could have done more but he would have had to endure a major surgery, I'm not sure what his quality of life would have been afterwards and I suspect he would have lived in a degree of ongoing pain. This is the bit I would have liked to question more though and I find vets nowadays though are very much about prolonging life and focus less on quality of life. One vet I spoke to towards the end did seem to be supportive of the quality of life points that I raised but I felt afterwards that I didn't ask the right questions and I guess that sort of thing is a bit unknown anyway. I do agree with you that dealing with facts would be so much easier but I just don't know if I can get them in this case.

I'm sorry that losing your young dog after a long fight is hitting you so hard. It feels extra cruel when you've tried so hard and had signs that there was hope. The mental "what ifs" are crucifying. I hope the hurt begins to fade a bit soon.

If you are certain you don't want to go down the prescribed antidepressants route then there's not much to be gained from going to your GP for a rushed 7 minutes consultation. You could try some St John's Wort, which is herbal but still an effective SSRI and will be completely in your control when you take it and how much. Check for interaction with anything else you take first though.

You can also self refer for Talking Therapy, and although you aren't likely to get the therapy any time soon, the triage consultation itself can be extremely helpful, as I found out myself.
.

Thank you. It is definitely the "what ifs" that are hurting me so much in this case. My other half is convinced that had we persisted my dog would not have been able to lead the life he wanted to but I keep wondering if maybe he would have been okay.

I'm really uncertain about anti-depressants due to experiences of both other family members and friends and I hope I'm not looking for something for the long term. I will look into Talking Therapy though, and can afford to pay for private counselling if needs be, which I guess is why I thought I talk with the GP would be helpful if she could recommend somebody.

 

[Fransurrey]

I'm so sorry you lost your boy. Your post makes me well up, as I lost my soulmate cat back in 2013 and it still hurts. Like you, he could have gone on longer, but my criteria was strict and as soon as he couldn't behave as a cat (he couldn't eat without pain), I called it a day, because to keep him going would have meant considerable pain. I was deeply depressed for years and used to burst into tears when I arrived back home, as he wasn't there on the drive to meet me.

I'm lucky to work with vets and have access to a lot of literature, so am informed with my choices. From your posts, that's one of the things bothering you. With that in mind, in addition to 'general' grief counselling or the animal-specific counselling above, would it help to know more about the condition and how it would have progressed? The (un)likelihood of a positive outcome (for him) and what a 'positive' outcome actually means? If so, one thing to try is emailing the practice where you connected well with the vet that had dogs and asking if you can meet with her in between consults. Another option is to try messaging Amber Batson who runs Understanding Animals. She's a vet who has also trained in animal behaviour and runs educational seminars, but she's also very approachable and compassionate. Or, if you're more comfortable, PM me and I'll dive into the literature, but bear in mind I'm not a vet!

 

[MissTyc]

I did have bereavement counseling, 6 months after losing the horse who'd been with me through my teenage years and beyond, lived in four different countries me over 17 years ... This was nearly 20 years ago now. All I can say is that I wish I'd gone to see someone earlier. It was quite transformative for me, not just in dealing with that particular loss, but we unpicked why I was so affected by it and untangled such a complex weave of emotions. I was very prone to low moods back then, sometimes still can be, but I feel the coping mechanisms I learned and the understanding and compassion I gained for myself have been extremely helpful since then. My heart aches for you. I still cry a little when I think about that period of my life and I can feel terror at the thought of having to feel those devastating emotions again. But I do believe the right counselor can make such a difference. I opted for private counseling. Although the experience was having an impact on my work, etc, I nonetheless felt guilty that I'd "only" lost a horse, like I shouldn't be feeling so utterly bereft and broken. Paying for the help privately made me feel less guilty about that ... And yes, we untangled all my guilt emotions as well and I am pleased to report I no longer feel misplaced guilt, or, when I do, I can recognise and address it.

 

[MrsMurs]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I second suggestions of speaking with your doctor, they might be able to offer counselling or something medication wise in the short term that could help with these overwhelming feelings, just until you find your feet. I lost my precious cat after 21 years and the grief came in huge tidal waves that devastated me for months. We made the decision to put her to sleep after she deteriorated, but afterwards I was tortured thinking we’d left it too long before doing it and so had I allowed her to suffer?

All I can say is that our decisions at this difficult time are done out of love and kindness, and that is the greatest gift we can give our best friends. Be patient and gentle with yourself. In time you will smile when you think of your boy, I promise x

 

[cremedemonthe]

This

 

[Kaylum]

I have done my pet breavement training if you would like to message me please do.

 

[HelenBack]

Thank you everybody for your thoughtful messages. I'm away from a keyboard this weekend so just wanted to type a quick reply on my phone to say I really do appreciate them. I will reply properly tomorrow.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Thank you so much for all the replies and support and sorry to those of you who have also lost pets. I completely agree that for me at least, losing an animal is much harder than losing a relative, and it does seem to be in the middle of the night that it's at its worst.



Speaking to a vet is what I'd really like to do actually but I never really managed to develop a good relationship with any of them and felt quite let down by most of the vets I saw over the past several months. The difficulty also was that it was very much a quality of life/ pain related decision rather than one based on how much more time he might have had. So I know for a fact that I could have done more but he would have had to endure a major surgery, I'm not sure what his quality of life would have been afterwards and I suspect he would have lived in a degree of ongoing pain. This is the bit I would have liked to question more though and I find vets nowadays though are very much about prolonging life and focus less on quality of life. One vet I spoke to towards the end did seem to be supportive of the quality of life points that I raised but I felt afterwards that I didn't ask the right questions and I guess that sort of thing is a bit unknown anyway. I do agree with you that dealing with facts would be so much easier but I just don't know if I can get them in this case.



Thank you. It is definitely the "what ifs" that are hurting me so much in this case. My other half is convinced that had we persisted my dog would not have been able to lead the life he wanted to but I keep wondering if maybe he would have been okay.

.

I have had many pets, horses, dogs, cats, pts over my lifetime and the ones that I have regrets over are those that went on too long because their quality of life was compromised during unsuccessful treatment.
Please, OP, stop beating yourself up over your decision, which was made, with your OH, in the best interests of your dog as you both saw it at the time. Your dog is no longer ill, in pain, confused by what is happening to him, as he would have been if you had put him through major surgery and you saved both of you the trauma of having to have him pts on the operating table,which is often a result of major surgery in an older animal,(which 7 is). Instead he went peacefully with you there (I assume). It is always difficult to lose an animal before the end of what you expected to be his natural life and when you have been caring especially for an ill animal, you do become particularly emotionally invested in the outcome, that makes the gap in your life worse when the animal dies because you have previously filled your time with the care that has suddenly stopped.
If you can afford private counselling, it would be worth exploring that course of action imo. You need permission to forgive yourself for doing the best for your dog.

 

[HelenBack]

Thank you so much everybody for your helpful comments, I really do appreciate them.

I'm so sorry you lost your boy. Your post makes me well up, as I lost my soulmate cat back in 2013 and it still hurts. Like you, he could have gone on longer, but my criteria was strict and as soon as he couldn't behave as a cat (he couldn't eat without pain), I called it a day, because to keep him going would have meant considerable pain. I was deeply depressed for years and used to burst into tears when I arrived back home, as he wasn't there on the drive to meet me.

I'm lucky to work with vets and have access to a lot of literature, so am informed with my choices. From your posts, that's one of the things bothering you. With that in mind, in addition to 'general' grief counselling or the animal-specific counselling above, would it help to know more about the condition and how it would have progressed? The (un)likelihood of a positive outcome (for him) and what a 'positive' outcome actually means? If so, one thing to try is emailing the practice where you connected well with the vet that had dogs and asking if you can meet with her in between consults. Another option is to try messaging Amber Batson who runs Understanding Animals. She's a vet who has also trained in animal behaviour and runs educational seminars, but she's also very approachable and compassionate. Or, if you're more comfortable, PM me and I'll dive into the literature, but bear in mind I'm not a vet!

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. It's so painful to lose them isn't it, even though it's clear from what you say that you did the right thing for him. I am considering asking to speak to the nice vet to see if this will help. I do feel more strongly now that we did do the right thing for him but am now left with questions about what happened over the six months and why it worked out the way I did. I've done a lot of research online and haven't really found the answers to the questions I have because they're more related to quality of life type issues but I wondered if the vet could shed some light on things if this might help.

I have done my pet breavement training if you would like to message me please do.

Thank you. I think I will do that if that's okay.

I did have bereavement counseling, 6 months after losing the horse who'd been with me through my teenage years and beyond, lived in four different countries me over 17 years ... This was nearly 20 years ago now. All I can say is that I wish I'd gone to see someone earlier. It was quite transformative for me, not just in dealing with that particular loss, but we unpicked why I was so affected by it and untangled such a complex weave of emotions. I was very prone to low moods back then, sometimes still can be, but I feel the coping mechanisms I learned and the understanding and compassion I gained for myself have been extremely helpful since then. My heart aches for you. I still cry a little when I think about that period of my life and I can feel terror at the thought of having to feel those devastating emotions again. But I do believe the right counselor can make such a difference. I opted for private counseling. Although the experience was having an impact on my work, etc, I nonetheless felt guilty that I'd "only" lost a horse, like I shouldn't be feeling so utterly bereft and broken. Paying for the help privately made me feel less guilty about that ... And yes, we untangled all my guilt emotions as well and I am pleased to report I no longer feel misplaced guilt, or, when I do, I can recognise and address it.

Thank you for sharing this. It does sound like something that will be beneficial and so I'm going to try and find a counsellor. I know it was a long time ago but can remember how you found one? I've tried to get an appointment with my GP to see if they can recommend anybody but am struggling to get in so I think I'll just have to try and pick someone myself. There seem to be a few options available from a quick look on the internet but I don't know how to choose other than to just go with one and hope it works out okay.

I have had many pets, horses, dogs, cats, pts over my lifetime and the ones that I have regrets over are those that went on too long because their quality of life was compromised during unsuccessful treatment.
Please, OP, stop beating yourself up over your decision, which was made, with your OH, in the best interests of your dog as you both saw it at the time. Your dog is no longer ill, in pain, confused by what is happening to him, as he would have been if you had put him through major surgery and you saved both of you the trauma of having to have him pts on the operating table,which is often a result of major surgery in an older animal,(which 7 is). Instead he went peacefully with you there (I assume). It is always difficult to lose an animal before the end of what you expected to be his natural life and when you have been caring especially for an ill animal, you do become particularly emotionally invested in the outcome, that makes the gap in your life worse when the animal dies because you have previously filled your time with the care that has suddenly stopped.
If you can afford private counselling, it would be worth exploring that course of action imo. You need permission to forgive yourself for doing the best for your dog.

Thank you so much for this kind and insightful post. I think you have really summed up everything exactly as it was with what you've said. My dog was intelligent but he was also a nervous rescue and his pain frightened him. I was there with him at the end and he did go peacefully and the thought of him dying during the surgery or from complications of it and without me there is just awful. It's just so hard to accept that after all that time and effort that he's gone and isn't coming back, and despite spending all that time looking after him it was very quick in the end and I can honestly say I really didn't ever think that it would end this way. I do feel that I have no sense of purpose now and I keep questioning whether I could have done things differently to lead to a different outcome but I'm starting to feel that all of this stopping me from actually remembering my dog and all his funny and entertaining ways. I know I really did try my hardest for him but I do still feel like I let him down and that somehow it was all my fault that it went wrong. Hopefully some counselling can help me come to terms with this.