Better a day too soon...

[Casey76]

I know it seems like these things come and go in waves, and we seem to have said goodbye to a lot of forum friends in 2017. We also have a lot of people, often newbies posting asking for advice, looking for someone to "give permission", say "it's OK", remind them that they aren't monsters for wanting or planning to end the suffering of their beloved friends.

Take it from me, it's better a day, week, month too soon than a day too late. To my everlasting shame, regret I did leave it too late and my best friend suffered horrifically for it.

It's not an easy story, though it is a quick one.

4 years ago today my gorgeous boy Pinto crossed the rainbow bridge.

Nine days earlier I had found him, in his stable, standing completely motionless except for some muscle tremors and foaming at the mouth. It was a long, long wait for the vet to arrive, as the weather was awful, and the roads dangerous with black ice. When the vet arrived Pinto was already deep into shock, his gums and tongue were blue. I had to drive home to get some hot water for the vet to tube him. She evacuated almost 30L of fermenting/rotting food from his stomach. She asked me to make arrangements to get him transported to the hospital, which is an hours drive from the yard, at the time she wasn't hopeful he would make the journey. I called a friend, and we got him to the hospital, and I left him there, in the ICU box. I went to bed with the phone by my pillow, though I know I didn't sleep. Miraculously he made it through the night.

For three days his HR and respiration rate did not decrease, despite pain relief, anti inflammatories, anti spasmodics, antibiotics. His intestinges were so bloated they couldn't get a needle in to perform an abdominocentesis. His left jugular vein collapsed and they suspended all IV therapy as they needed the other vein "just in case".

During these three days his liver and renal function decreased; it was found that he had a massive worm burden despite being on a (their) vet approved worming program, and he coliced again after being given a high potency wormer.

Surprisingly, during the first three days when he was acutely ill, he didn't actually look "bad", on the fourth day, he had completely lost his spark, he looked defeated and depressed, and I asked the vet if it was time. She said no, not yet... how I regret following her advice.

Over the next 4 days he picked up very well; he started eating again, and started to look perkier. The vet said he would be ready to go home on the Friday, 8 days after his admission.

On the Friday morning I got a call to say that Pinto had a fever, and he wouldn't be coming home until it settled, and he would be staying where he was over the weekend. By the Friday evening, his temperature was over 40C, and non-responsive to antibiotics or steroids. An abdominocentesis showed he had peritonitis. We had reached the end of the line with supportive medical therapy, and if he didn't pick up over night... well, that was that.

I got a call on Saturday morning to tell me he had continued to deteriorate and that it was time. I insisted that I wanted to see him again, that I would be there in an hour. I raced to the hospital, tears running down my cheeks, I barely remember the drive. When I got to see him I was warned not to get to close to him. He was moribund; laying propped against the box wall. When he saw me he tried so hard to stand up, but he staggered and fell. And my heart shattered into a million pieces.

The head vet was upset and angry. They normally euthanize in the theater, but it was too late. He flicked and poured water over Pintos head to try and rouse him, but it was too late. I was yelled at; told to go and wait outside. There were a team of about 6 people, vets and nurses and techs all milling around Pinto; everyone was stressed. One of the nurses came flying out of the ward got something out of the mobile unit and raced back in. It seemed to take forever before I was allowed back in. He'd struggled a lot. They'd had to administer the euthanasia via a belly vein as both jugulars were non-patent.

I have so many regrets; I will carry the sorrow I feel regarding the manner of his passing with me forever.

It is always hard, losing a friend. No matter if it is expected, unexpected, after a long or short illness.

I will never again allow myself to be talked into giving it more time, if my gut says otherwise.

If you are questioning *the* decision, ***** what other people think; do what you think is right.

I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

 

[Amye]

Oh gosh I read all that with a lump in my throat. I am so so sorry to hear you went through that. I don't know what to say but couldn't read and run.

It's always a difficult decision and the decision between being too soon or too late isn't always clear (or that far apart). I know you feel guilty, but you did your best for your boy, you took the vets advice and there are many many of us who would have done the same. The vets are the experts, they should be able to tell more readily then us (I know that's not always the case).

That picture is absolutely gorgeous. Remember the good times with him.

 

[JillA]

I can't imagine what that must have been like for you and for him, but it is really hard to give up hope.
We humans seem to be unable to admit defeat - there is a local lady who fosters for a dog charity and they have a tiny dog who has a nervous condition which makes him really really unsteady on his legs. In the video she posted her other dogs were milling round this poor little chap who was unable to move much without tremors, and he looked terrified. When I suggested "putting the lights out" I was accused of being the sort of person who would kill a disabled child, was told my post was offensive and set about by the bleeding hearts, keep 'em alive at any cost brigade. I found it really sad, because there IS a fate worse than death.
My old mare clearly asked me to let her go after she had had a difficult winter with Cushings pre pergolide, and I now look at euthanasia through her eyes - an end to suffering. But I knew and the vet told me she would never improve - in your case you weren't to know.
I'm by no means criticising the experience you had, how were you to know how it would end, and that's the difficulty for us all. All we can do is take the vet advice re the prognosis and we all know they aren't infallible. Difficult decision at the best of times.
I love your photo of him

 

[milliepops]

I'm so sorry Casey
There are no words really, but I read this in sympathy rather than thinking you did the wrong thing - you did what you were told was right at the time and that's what many of us would do. We rely on the professionals to help us when we are in times of darkness and confusion.

Run free, Pinto. I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself OP.

 

[Christmas Crumpet]

I can't imagine how utterly awful that was for you. One of my dearest friends lost her horse to atypical myopathy 2 years ago and he died an absolutely horrible death and I'm sure she would have pts if she'd had a clue about how ill he was going to get. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and vets do try their utmost to save horses but there are so many occasions where it just isn't right to keep trying but it takes a very strong person to say stop to them. I have always said a day/week/month too early than a minute too late. I have had 3 horses PTS and I know it was the right thing to do. Heartbreaking as it is, it is the kindest thing to do in many situations. Horses deserve to die with dignity and out of pain.

 

[Shady]

I read that with a massive lump in my throat Casey, i am so sorry you lost your beautiful horse that way, i wouldn't wish that for anybody, i make myself read all the posts like this even though they make me cry and tell myself i will absolutely do the right thing when the time comes but i know that when it does i will struggle to say goodbye and might make the wrong call, separating the heart from the head is no easy thing and the vets don't always help, things can often go too long because nobody wants to say ' enough now '. Sending you massive hugs Case , brave of you to post this xxxxxxxxxx

 

[TheMule]

I have a similar guilt over the way my yearling's life ended. But at the time you feel like you owe it to them to try. With hindsight, I wish I never would have taken her to vet hospital and that she could have ended without all that pain in with her friends. But it is only human to try, even if the odds are slim

 

[Flummoxed]

Csy, I do not know what to say to you. Such a sad story. Thank you for sharing.

 

[alainax]

So sorry for what happened to you. I do hope some good can come of it though if it helps others to feel solace in their decisions when the time is right. I too feel your regret, I was also too late.

My childhood horse, taught me so much, tried his absolute heart out for me. At the time Non horsey parents bought him, before passports, we didn't quite know his age. He had a wonderful life, won us lots of ribbons.

Each winter he lost more and more weight. I couldn't seem to feed him enough. I to this day still look back with the extra knowledge I have and wonder about what if I had done x or y.

One winter he became so thin that I knew he wasn't going to see it through. Parents called the vet and by the time he came out he could no longer stand. The vet said he was at least in late 30's and had hardly any teeth left. He gave him electrolytes and advised me on how to make a bran mash. We had girths aroundhim to try to hoist him him, but he was too weak to stand. The vet came back the next morning and said he ( the vet) hadn't slept all night, that we must put him to sleep. He fell asleep in my arms, in the depths of a wet bleak freezing winter. I quitely sang " little daring, it's been a long cold lonely winter, here comes the sun"...

He didn't deserve that suffering toward the end, that I truly regret.

 

[Annagain]

Thanks for sharing Casey, it's a very sad story and I'm very grateful I haven't yet had to make that decision as my old boy made it for me. He had colic too but deteriorated too quickly for a trip to hospital to be an option. At 27 I'm not sure I would have sent him anyway but I'm still grateful he didn't force me to make that choice. He looked after me even on that day. Reading your story though has made me more determined to stick to any decision I do make when that time comes though. Sadly, I know it will come one day.

 

[smja]

Thank you for sharing your story, Casey. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Clare85]

What a terribly sad story, I'm so sorry for you. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Cortez]

Thank you so much for writing that Casey. I hope you will help to sway someone, who perhaps has never had to make that decision before, and make some poor horse's (or dog, cat, whatever) passing easier.

Reste Im Pace Pinto.

 

[archiesmum]

I'm so sorry to read this Casey, I cannot imagine how you must have felt!

I am going through a bit of a battle with myself with regards to my two exracehorses and their final journey will be together at the end of the month. One is an 11yo with arthritis in her hocks, kissing spines which appeared to be helped by ligament snip op but unfortunately moved the problem to her hind suspensories - she is starting to look a bit uncomfortable and careful about walking, a far cry from the mare who used to love batting around the field and would use any excuse for a canter. My other is 21yo who's tummy just isn't right, he has always had sensitive digestion, even when he was in training, but this winter has been the worst I have known him (13 years) and although I have got his poos back to normal he is still 'leaking' a little and this is without the spring grass! They both look magnificent with shiny coats, round bellies and bright eyes and if you were to see them playing in the arena after a day in you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with them! But I would never forgive myself if anything happened to them because I left it too long, as you and my vet have said, better a month too early than a day too late and your experience has really nailed that home. If I have to hurt so they will not know suffering, then so be it, it's the greatest gift I can give them.

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[Spottyappy]

So sorry for your loss.
What I am left wondering - having experienced a vet refusing to pts one of my cats when I requested it, the cat was very ill- is why vets think they know better than the owner. As you experienced.
Imho if you request your animal to be pts, you are being a responsible owner.
If the vet declines, is it a money making issue?
Or, do they think they know better?

 

[touchstone]

I think that many of us have experienced the guilt of having left things too late, me included. That is why I am pretty much pro euthanasia sooner rather than later, even though we get called murderers or the pts brigade etc.

I had a dog that was fit healthy and 9 years old, he developed continence issues so the vet wanted him in for x rays as she thought he may have a kidney stone. I dropped him at the vets expecting to pick him up in a couple of hours, only I got a call to say that he had bladder cancer and needed to be pts. In my shock and stupidity I asked for him to be brought round so I could say goodbye to him.
A few minutes later I changed my mind, deciding it would be better for him to go on the operating table. Unfortunately it was too late and they'd brought him round.

I arrived at the vets where he was euthanised, but it didn't go well and the dog was crying in pain and frightened, the vet thought it may have been a reaction to the drugs he had. His ending haunts me to this day and now I make sure that I am as prepared as can be for making the decision sensibly with all my animals.

I also had a friend with terminal cancer who had a mare with severe arthritis, navicular and laminitis. She had the mare shot and one of her friends gave her a load of abuse for letting the horse die and giving the body to the hunt. It was horrific enough for her without that sort of attitude from a supposed friend.

I can only imagine that the life at all costs people lack the empathy to understand when an animal is truly suffering and gain some sort of self righteous importance for letting an animal linger on.

 

[Goldenstar]

That's the most awful sad story .

 

[fattylumpkin]

Thankyou for writing and sharing this xxx

 

[Red-1]

I am sorry to hear this, it is gut-wrenching when you feel you made a mistake.

Please never blame yourself, you took him to a Vet Hospital, and trusted the experts. I guess they can't always get it right. I am also one who would rather PTS early than risk being too late, but that is a very hard call to make. X

 

[tda]

How awfully sad, its one of the things that haunts me a bit too, a gelding I had was colicing in the field, I don't remember the vets saying one way or the other, but I didn't have the courage to say let him go.
My sister persuaded me to travel him to the vets in the middle of the night, we left him there, and as we arrived back home 45 mins later, I got a call saying they had opened him up but there was nothing they could do.
Still regret travelling him, but when you are so upset its hard to see straight

 

[honetpot]

You did what you thought was best, and that's what most of us try to do and you can not blame yourself for that.
In medicine there are a lot of practiconers that think because they can they should and as lay people we often think they know best. When I read your post I just feel angry that your horse and you where let down, you both trusted them and they did not give you the best advice.
I have recently had my mare PTS for colic, I chose to have her PTS, she was already unwell and I could not see how treatment would be in her best interests, but I had the experience to decide this. I think owners need to be given realistic advice on animals prognosis by and it should be in the animals best interest.
I am really sorry this has happened to you, and have a huge hug.

 

[LD&S]

Casey your story is so sad it broke my heart reading it, hindsight is a wonderful thing but as Red-1 said, these people are professionals and have training that we haven't had.

The words we offer will probably never take away the guilt you feel but I'm sure in your situation most of us would have done exactly the same, so often we hear the phrase where there's life there's hope but sadly that isn't always the case but we never know in advance who will be lucky.

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[Casey76]

Thank you everyone.

I find it especially hard as I don't know what caused the colic in the first place. I know he had paralytic ileus, but I don't know what the cause was.

Having done a lot of reading and research in the intervening time I'm pretty much convinced he had botulism from the soaking wet haylage/silage they were being given to eat at the time, the presentation and recovery period/time fit. I don't know if the initial attempt at abdominocentecis caused the introduction of bacteria into the peritoneal space, or if his gut ruptured (I was told this was a very real risk, before he recovered enough to go home)

There are so many what ifs, and I know you can what if yourself to death, but I do wonder... The day he was sick, there had been a course on at the RS where he was so there would have been people around all day, and yet not one person noticed he wasn't well. I had ridden him the day before, and unusually he was very reluctant to walk out, and he tried to turn for home several times, which was completely out of character. But I was in a rush to ride after work, and I didn't listen to him (kicking myself again!)

He was in my life for 8 years, which isn't so long compared to other partnerships. He was my first horse, and he taught me loads. I have many, many happy memories, but they are all overshadowed by the very last one.

 

[splashgirl45]

sorry to read what a bad time you had casey but thanks for sharing, it may help someone to make THAT decision...i made that decision in september for my 25 year old cushings mare and know how hard it was to make that final call, but also know it was the right thing for her....its never easy....

 

[Michen]

Read that with lots of tears. I too am carrying around so much guilt relating to my boys death and it's just horrific.

 

[ycbm]

What a brave post.

It breaks my heart every time I read threads on here mentioning knowing it was time 'because he couldn't get up without help' or 'because she's now lame with arthritis in walk instead of just in trot'. When mine get old, they will go while they still have that spark in their eye, not because the light has left. It's what I would want someone to do for me.

Vets are very often far too slow to recommend PTS. No-one should feel guilty about making the decision before the vet has. You don't need their permission.

I would change the title. Better a month too soon than a minute too late.

 

[Casey76]

All of my horses have had a "no surgery" policy for colic; even my youngster. My vets know this. My current YO and "emergency contact" know that if they suspect colic and I'm not around (on holiday etc) that they call the vet before they call me - they also know my "no surgery" wishes. While it is everyone's own personal choice whether they opt for surgery, I've read too many papers on the post-operative survival rate, 1 and 5 year survival rates - it's a lot worse than many human cancer survival rates.

B is a very large horse, and they often fare more poorly than smaller horses. The confinement needed for recovery could very well kill Tartine.

Pinto was a fabulous animal, he was a favourite at the hospital, no matter what they did to him he never complained, whether it be the nasal tubing, the numerous ultrasounds he needed (he'd only ever been clipped once before), when they did the abdominocentesis or punctured his caecum. He was very well loved that week he was in the hospital. I felt awful having to walk him with a chain over his nose (hospital policy). He certainly made an impression, as when the vet came to see Tartine for her first set of diagnostics she said that they had only just been talking about Pinto a few days before, about how upset everyone had been because he had picked up so well and had been expected to be going home.

 

[pennyturner]

Brilliant post. Must have been horrific for you, but you trusted the professionals, and should bear no guilt. Telling the story will help us all to prepare ourselves to make the decision, to the benefit of a great many horses. We all know it's coming, but we're never ready.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

What an awful experience for you. So sorry that you lost your boy. We place trust in professionals but it isn't easy. It is never easy losing a horse or making THAT decision. It is something as horse owners we will face at some point and having a policy and/or information to hand is vital. Nothing worse than not having a number or struggling to decide what to do.

My oldest is 24 and he won't be put through any surgery or should he get laminitis he will be PTS.

Look after yourself Casey, you did what you thought was right. X

 

[TheresaW]

Am so sorry for your loss Casey, but agree, we all put our trust in our vet. Vets are human too, and sometimes they get it wrong.

Some years ago, I kept a cat going a bit longer than I should. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and although it was days, I swore never again. I later had my old dog PTS before she totally deteriorated, and was still happy in herself generally, but occasionally not right.

A year ago last Saturday I had to be there when Brenin was PTS. He was a 26yo SecD who belonged to a very good friend of mine. He'd lived with my 3 on and off for around 12 years. Yard changes etc meant they'd gone separate ways a few times, but somehow always ended up back together. In Nov 15, we moved from Essex to Notts. Lots of chats with my OH and my friend, and it was decided that Bren would come with us. Me and friend talked extensively about if I had to make a decision, she probably wouldn't be able to get here to deal with it.

Long story short, I got to the yard one evening and he was down in the field. I knew something was wrong as my 3 were the opposite end, and my mare loved him, and one of my geldings was very close to him. I got him in, and thought he looked colicky, but other than wanting to lay down, he had no obvious symptoms. Wasn't sweaty, not bothering at his tummy, and actually did 2 poos as I was walking him. Something made me call the vet anyway. When she arrived and examined him, she did an internal and said to me, he's going to need surgery. I then asked her if it was ok to call Nic, as ultimately it was her decision. I knew what I thought, and I knew what Nic would say.

I am so grateful that I went with my gut and didn't decide to wait until morning. The vet told us that over a few hours his stomach would have filled with fluid and likely ruptured. The vet was amazing. She talked to both myself and Nic at length, offered to drain his tummy if we wanted to think about it. I hadn't met the new vets before. I had only registered all 4 a couple of weeks previously booking Bren and my mare for their Cushings checks, and all 4 for their boosters, which were booked for about 10 days later.