Bit emotional today and an apology...

Queenbee

Queenbee

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Hi there,

Firstly an apology, I have noticed of late that in a lot of my replies to other posters I keep harping back to 'when I had ebony' or 'ebony was like this and I did this...' can't seem to help myself... I realise now, just how very much the lovable diva taught me and shaped me as a rider, and it has made me all the more appreciative of my time with her and of ben.

Secondly, will someone please slap me... I have always been fond of ben, loved him but in a different way, but now I am going all soft and squishy over him, clucky like a protective mother! I bought him in tonight, he is going off to bootcamp tomorrow and I feel like a mother the night before her child starts school, I am losing the plot!

On a very positive note, I went to see the YO of the yard that he will be moving too after bootcamp... I am so excited, all being well, after a few months hacking on we will be going to the winter shows with YO a few times, something I had never thought of, but I think its going to be wonderful for introducing him to the world of showing before he starts next yr. Its everything I could want and the liveries are ace, YO will pick ben up after bootcamp... Its all falling into place, but I cant believe how much my relationship with ben has changed in the last couple of months, especially the last 3 weeks since we said goodbye to Ebony, I love my baby ben so much and am very proud of the wonderful young horse that he is becoming.

Good luck ben at bootcamp... you're not going to know whats hit you :rolleyes::D
 
I don't think you need to apologise for mentioning ebony in posts, she was a large part of your life and just because she's gone you don't have to suddenly stop mentioning her.
And I think too that after all that happened with her its great that you have Ben to keep you occupied & form new memories for the future with.
 
Absolutely don't you dare apologise for referring back to Ebony! She was a massive part of your life, and many of us followed her illness with you. I, for one, became fond of her from your posts alone and without ever having met her, so I've no idea how you've kept it together recently :)

It's no surprise you're feeling protective of Ben now. It'll settle down again in time but you need to give yourself just that...time :)
 
ben will keep you going. i have spirit, who is the love of my life. i had cooper, and cassie, who got me to where i am. they both were put down within 8 mths of each other, and i was devestated. spiriit was there all the time, from when he was 6 mths old, but i didnt realise how much i loved him, until the others were gone. he has now taken over as my baby, but without me losing the others, he wouldnt have gotten my full attention. as sad as i am over losing my best friends, spirit has more than filled the gap, he has become my boy!!! hope you and ben have many years of happiness, you deserve it!!!
 
I think you sound incredibly together after losing Ebony - have been amazed that you can mention her so much without crying over your keyboard tbh! So don't apologise and keep going the way you are going.

Go Ben!! :)
 
You talk about Ebony all you like, we all know how hard it was for you *hugs*

I can't talk about her in person, but I type a lot about my kitty (and again...) it makes me feel better and helps me remember.
 
Absolutely do not apologise!!

Ebony was a massive part of your life and still is. You went through a lot together. Experience is what makes us who we are.

On a very selfish note, your experience and advice you are giving to me is proving to be more support and encouragement than you can imagine, so I am very grateful for your input, and very sorry that you didn't have a happier outcome with Ebony.

You deserve the very best with Ben, and I am sure you will have a lot of fun together once he returns from boot camp :)
 
We keep all our horses for life and have had 9, including a foal, pts. I 'talk' about my experiences with them all and the 3 we have now, in posts.
The only way we learn about horses is through the experiences we have with them, or through hearing about other people's experiences. Your experience with Ebony is invaluable and may well help somebody else. Of course you should mention her in your posts, she was a massive part of your life. Over time, as you do more with Ben you may well describe what you do with him more but for now it is perfectly understandable that you talk about Ebony mostly.
Good luck with Ben!
 
It's perfectly normal to spoil or feel extra protective over the one you have left. When you endure a traumatic, tragic experience such as you did, you somehow see what you have left in a completely different way: you take it less for granted, it becomes more special and you feel more vulnerable to life's misfortune. Love that boy with all you have and don't take a single day with him for granted.

It is important that you do keep talking about Ebony. Your sad experience with her is helping others in a similar situation. The advice you can give because of your experience is probably more helpful than from some vets. Don't stop using your story to help others and certainly don't apologise for it. This forum needs people like you with real experiences to draw from.
 
popeyesno1fan said:
ben will keep you going. i have spirit, who is the love of my life. i had cooper, and cassie, who got me to where i am. they both were put down within 8 mths of each other, and i was devestated. spiriit was there all the time, from when he was 6 mths old, but i didnt realise how much i loved him, until the others were gone. he has now taken over as my baby, but without me losing the others, he wouldnt have gotten my full attention. as sad as i am over losing my best friends, spirit has more than filled the gap, he has become my boy!!! hope you and ben have many years of happiness, you deserve it!!!
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Popeyes, that is exactly what I am going through at the moment, and sometimes, I find it hard, to accept, how suddenly he has filled that part of my life so easily, I sometimes feel as if Im being disloyal... totally stupid, I know, no one could ever replace her, she was unique and my soul mate, but that doesnt mean, I cant love him for who he is and than god, that I have him. As I have said before, without Ben, I would have hung my jods up 3 weeks ago. I went back tonight to the stable 5 times for kisses, because I cant get enough of him, I am taking my own advice and reminding myself every minute of the day to appreciate just how lucky I am and live each day with my horses as if its could be the last.... I will try to never ever get complacent or forget that lesson.

pootleperkin said:
I think you sound incredibly together after losing Ebony - have been amazed that you can mention her so much without crying over your keyboard tbh! So don't apologise and keep going the way you are going.

Go Ben!! :)
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I remember when my grandfather and later my grandmother, were deteriorating with old age, my grandfather especially had emphasema, he then got diagnosed with cancer and was due to be operated on unfortunately he had a heart attack, by the time he had recovered enough to be operated on the cancer had spread throughout his body... seeing the most wonderful man in the world... one of the most significant inspirations in my life, suffering, fighting for oxygen, struggling with no moment free from pain... When the time came, I didnt cry at his funeral for him. How could I when he was no longer suffering? It was the same with Ebony, much as I would have loved a magic wand or a gini in a lamp, there was none, they do not exist, and having seen her battling and starving away, yes I felt like I died when I saw her body start to buckle and the realisation came that THIS really was the end, seeing the injection... didnt mean a thing to me, I wanted to tell the vet to stop... purely selfish, but I knew I couldnt do that to her, I completely broke as the reality hit me, but after the vet told me that her heart had stopped beating... I dont think I have actually really cried. I dont need to, she is no longer suffering, so how can I fall apart knowing that? Seeing long term suffering, stops me crying when those I care about are gone.

montysmum1 said:
Absolutely do not apologise!!

Ebony was a massive part of your life and still is. You went through a lot together. Experience is what makes us who we are.

On a very selfish note, your experience and advice you are giving to me is proving to be more support and encouragement than you can imagine, so I am very grateful for your input, and very sorry that you didn't have a happier outcome with Ebony.

You deserve the very best with Ben, and I am sure you will have a lot of fun together once he returns from boot camp :)
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Thank you, I have been really humbled by a lot of things on here, people who followed the plight of ebony and I, the posts and PMs of support and condolences, but also from people that I regard very highly for their knowledge and experience, reccomending that people talk to me, Im no one special but it is humbling to know that A) people of such calibre think I can be of support and informative to people who are going through similar journeys and b) that the people that I have given support and 'Ideas and information' to appreciate it and have found it helpful.
 
Echo Bravo said:
Never ever apologies about Ebony,most of us on here have followed both you and her over the months, as for Ben just enjoy
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she had us all on our toes, thats for sure :rolleyes::D Im no breeder, and the world is full of too many unwanted horses, but if that werent the case and I had the money, time and land, I would on the basis of my experience with her breeding (not just her, other FxTB's), set up a stud, with a few select TB broodmares and cross them with a decent friesian stallion, I am left truly speechless by the ability of that mix, one hell of a sports horse.

I will be sure to keep you all posted on bens progress, and due to many requests and a wish to share our full story I am begining to write a rather lengthy piece on how we found each other and our trials and tribulations. Ben on the other hand is simply explained, my OH had been a 'rhymes with thanker' and bought Ben as a christmas present as an apology after I had seen him as a 2 week old foal.... I wonder in years to come what our story will be... Im sure it will be fantastic.
 
Queenbee said:
I remember when my grandfather and later my grandmother, were deteriorating with old age, my grandfather especially had emphasema, he then got diagnosed with cancer and was due to be operated on unfortunately he had a heart attack, by the time he had recovered enough to be operated on the cancer had spread throughout his body... seeing the most wonderful man in the world... one of the most significant inspirations in my life, suffering, fighting for oxygen, struggling with no moment free from pain... When the time came, I didnt cry at his funeral for him. How could I when he was no longer suffering? It was the same with Ebony, much as I would have loved a magic wand or a gini in a lamp, there was none, they do not exist, and having seen her battling and starving away, yes I felt like I died when I saw her body start to buckle and the realisation came that THIS really was the end, seeing the injection... didnt mean a thing to me, I wanted to tell the vet to stop... purely selfish, but I knew I couldnt do that to her, I completely broke as the reality hit me, but after the vet told me that her heart had stopped beating... I dont think I have actually really cried. I dont need to, she is no longer suffering, so how can I fall apart knowing that? Seeing long term suffering, stops me crying when those I care about are gone.
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I think this is an amazingly unselfish way to look at the death of loved ones - I applaud you for it.

I wish I could do the same - when my Mum died, after a short battle with cancer, I'm afraid I couldn't be anything but furious with the unjustness of life (she was only 64 and fit and healthy) and selfishly, just baffled as to how I was going to go on without her, so I cried my guts out - for quite some time. I suppose she had, and was suffering, for only for a relatively short time, so the unjust nature of her death probably stopped me from being grateful for her release. I would think that if she had lived to old age, it might have been easier to take.

I think it is truly fab that you are so much looking forward to what you will do with Ben - a great attitude. And go on, contrive a way to one day breed another TB x friesian - after all it will be just for you - it wouldn't be wasteful breeding! Or there might be another one just sitting out there, waiting for you to come along.......... :)
 
pootleperkin said:
I think this is an amazingly unselfish way to look at the death of loved ones - I applaud you for it.

I wish I could do the same - when my Mum died, after a short battle with cancer, I'm afraid I couldn't be anything but furious with the unjustness of life (she was only 64 and fit and healthy) and selfishly, just baffled as to how I was going to go on without her, so I cried my guts out - for quite some time. I suppose she had, and was suffering, for only for a relatively short time, so the unjust nature of her death probably stopped me from being grateful for her release. I would think that if she had lived to old age, it might have been easier to take.

I think it is truly fab that you are so much looking forward to what you will do with Ben - a great attitude. And go on, contrive a way to one day breed another TB x friesian - after all it will be just for you - it wouldn't be wasteful breeding! Or there might be another one just sitting out there, waiting for you to come along.......... :)
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thanks poots,

Im not playing my own violin, but especially in the last few years, I have felt the weight of injustice, in different ways, but they crippled me to a point where I was only existing and not living, I learnt and changed as a result. No matter what the injustice and no matter how cruel, I can not change the facts, if it has happened, it is unchangeable. I suppose that is my philosophy, I hate what I have gone through that got me to that point, but I am also thankful, if I had not become that person, I really dont know how I would have dealt with the grief of losing the one thing in this world that kept my head above water and never let me down.

I have to date been offered two horses since ebs died, one to breed from, a beautiful buckskin mare, and a lovely mare in foal to an arab. I have OH's land and stables and could say yes now with no cost to myself, but I dont want another, I just want to cherish ben. The mare in foal, I just couldnt take on, my friend bought her because she reminded her of ebony... I couldnt face having her, and I know that as far as I can see into the future, the only horse that I do want is a TB x F foal, and I just cant cope with the idea of that yet, it would seem too much like trying to replace the irreplaceable, but when im ready, that is what i will get.
 
I followed your posts when Ebony was ill with a frog in my throat. Then when you said she had gone, it was so sad. It really got me. I am so pleased though that you continue to share what you had with her, with us. The fact you keep on sharing your thoughts about her show how much you loved her. Ben is every lucky and all the very best with him. Looking forward to hearing about him over time :)
 
Don't ever apologise for mentioning Ebony, she will always be a part of your life, I lost Charlie in November 1990 and still talk about him and think of him often. We lost Copper a week later both were in their 30's and we had owned them for 20 years, we lost our mum in the August of that year after she had a massive stroke and lived a living hell for three months before she passed away. I believe Charlie & Copper had a far nicer (if you can say that) death than my mum we were with them at the end and both went quickly and with dignity after their injections, Mum suffered a lot more than they did and I wish we could have helped her as we did them. Charlie was my horse of a lifetime and losing him was devastating we have lost seven of ours in the last 22 years luckily all in their 20's and 30's and all special in their own way but we talk about all of them a lot and our experiences with them help us with the ones we have now so they are still helping us and will always be a part of our lives I am sure Ebony will always be with you in spirit and in your heart, good luck. x
 
Absolutely in no way whatever should you apologise for mentioning your beautiful Ebony who obviously taught you so much. We never stop learning from our horses and they all deserve mentions.

When I lost my wonderful mare years ago, I took on my son's mare and at first felt guilty for enjoying her Now, 12 years later she is my best friend and confidante, but in a different way.

Remember Ebony and love Ben.
 
Queenbee you are not being disloyal by feeling the way you do about Ben now. I lost my pony who I had had since he was 5 three years ago, when he was 26. I didn't have another horse at the time as I was working such crazy hours and I couldn't bear the thought of him not coming first if I got a younger model but a few months after I lost him I decided to start looking for another horse. Never to replace him but I just didn't want to be horseless. It was hard to find a new horse because I didn't really know what I wanted - or rather what I actually wanted was my pony back, just him. After nearly a year of looking on and off I went to try a horse that on paper was everything I'd said I wanted, and at the same place was a just backed rising 4 year old grey (my old boy was grey, I said no more greys) far greener than I wanted. From the minute I saw her trot I wanted her and once I sat on her that was it. In all the years since I found my old boy I'd never felt as strongly about another horse until I found this one.

My grey girl is the second great love of my life and sometimes now I look at her and wonder if I could ever love another horse more - then I remember my old boy who I loved just as desperately. I briefly wondered the other day if I was being disloyal to his memory by feeling like this and then realised I wasn't, my experiences with him allow me to trust my grey pony in the same way and so it is natural that I feel the same way about her, that we are truly a partnership.

Don't worry either about being over protective in the way you feel about Ben, that's natural too. Reading all your posts about Ebony moved me to tears every time and I thought about you and her when saying goodnight to my ponies. The time you wrote you couldn't shake the feeling you were watching her endgame really touched me and I gave my ponies specially huge hugs that night.

That photo Rhino posted of Ebony was beautiful and is how I always picture her when I read your posts.

I am glad you have Ben to keep you going and he will always be a link to Ebony for you as he knew her too. I hope he does well at bootcamp and look forward to reading your updates on his progress.
 
Thank you everyone for your kind words and wisdom, Im just being a bit of a muppet at the moment! Suziq, that is a fantastic photo of her, it was taken by Twizzle (another forum member) who is a fantastic photographer and used to share ebony with me.

Well, hes gone off to bootcamp, he went in a trailer which I am really pleased about, up until now he has preferred a box, but the transport company came out with their new 511, he wasnt impressed with the rubber on the partition blowing in the wind... I think he thought it was going to get him! I was really impressed with the company I used, they were patient, gentle and so I relaxed and didnt feel rushed. I suppose it took us about 10 mins, but once he clicked he just went right up and then I bought out the treats :D:D I was a very proud and very relieved mummy, this is only his 6th time being transported and only his 2nd in a trailer and on his own. Thank god we always loaded him first in the past. It was a real relief to me when they told me they have a video in there so they could watch him throughout the journey as I wanted all the doors shut... just incase. He was less confident unloading from a trailer than a box... dear of him:rolleyes: and I was waiting for the big cat leap that some can do, but he walked nicely down the ramp and is now settled in his stable with about 20 other horse!

As a moment (which I thought was really sweet) he shed one of his baby caps in the trailer, the transporter proudly came running up to me waving it in the air :D it is now in a specimen jar with his wolf teeth :D

A couple of pics... (please excuse the sad eyes, I think he has been taking lessons off my whippet!)

Driving down the track to bootcamp
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Blissfully unaware of whats to come...
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