bit of a dilema

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michelleice

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Went up yard today for what was sappost to be quick ride told OH I would be 2 hours max but things happened and 5 hours later I came home, he was angry as hell. Said me kids r sufferingbecause I got ned and I put him b4 every thing isn't true I spent money I had aside 4 his rent on daughters party kids come up yard and help they love it up there, I ride on his days off easier and he's made me feel like I have 2 sell my ned, we haven't spoken since he had me in tears and I'm now in bed on phone writing this I don't want 2 sell Ben he's beem from piller to post don't know what 2 do, I'm in tears thinking about it

Chocs if u got this far
 
5 hours could be a long time to leave your OH looking after your kids on a Sunday. I don't think you should get rid of your horse, but maybe you could think of ways to manage your time better when you're at the yard. Then you'd have some time with your family as well. I've got 3 horses and it takes a vet emergency to really force me to be with them for 5 hours. Different if I choose to be, but I'd have thought with just one 2 hours would be plenty of time to do jobs and have a ride?
I think combining horses and OH and kids is a bit of a balancing act. Probably one reason why I don't have kids.
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I think personally that was a tad unfair you are allowed to have your own freedom as well as having children...OH maybe slightly jealous of Ben, My oh feels jealous and way down the pecking rder...too right!! LOL

PLEASE dont sell ben or even think about that...he has been a pillar of strength to you and vice aversa....i'd be upset if you did...please dont!!!

Oh i take it isn't horsey at all so wouldn't understand horses are also like children they need fuss and cuddles and tending too but are also a great way of feeling freedom and de-stress!

Sod what he thinks sweetie...and your in delicate position too..please dont be upsetting yourself....Benson wouldn't want to see his mummy all upset after you have given him a new house and friends in field - even if they are eating his mane away...woops!!

Sorry but tell him how you feel...you are more than entitled to spend time with your horse and children like you've said they also go up with you and have fun helping!!!

xx keep chin up my sweet - have a glass of errrmmmm orange juice that'll make you feel better LOL
 
Only DIY yard, he's to nutty 4 a sharer will only behave 4 me can only he ridden light ans 3 time max a week (med reasons) OH only off 2 days only time its a issue
 
He's being **ck really not normally up there so long, but mate moved her horse down sat,mare was put in park with 4 geldings 1 took auto dislike ended in cut leg blah blah so today was long stressful day.

I spend 24/7 with kids except few hours twice week I ride I clean/cook and rest OH comes home plays with kids while I make him coffee then plays internet games while I sort kids put them 2 bed and cook dinner Oh stays there till bed time!
 
Poor you, you do seem to be going through it at the moment.

From his point of view I am sure it would be good if you didn't have a horse, then you could look after the kids all the time, so he wouldn't have to. He was obviously majorly ticked off you were so late (and 5 hours instead of 2 was a bit late really!).

Don't do anything hasty, it will very likely blow over. Things said in anger more than often do.

NB but by the way, its always better to say you are going to be longer than you think you will be - that way they are pleasantly surprised when you get back 'early' lol
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Having had a tw*t of an ex not all that long ago, I'm afraid I'm far less tolerant of sh*tty behaviour than most. If today was an exception, your OH should understand.....stuff happens, that's life. It wasn't intentional on your part and you were just trying to help out in a bad situation.

I'm not entirely sure I'd respect anyone who threw a tantrum for having to look after the kids for a few hours at a weekend - you're a parent and partner, but you're your own person too and entitled to a bit of support. I must admit if he was my OH he'd be making his own effing coffee and dinner for a while - I've wasted too much of my life dealing with an ex who behaved like a spoiled, tantruming child.....and that was before I even wanted children myself. It's all about give-and-take and if you were routinely flouncing off of a weekend and not spending time with your family perhaps your OH would have a point, but give-and-take doesn't mean you doing all the giving and upsetting yourself like this.

If it's any consolation I've just read your posts out to my OH (also a bloke, also non-horsey), who said "bloody hell, what a twonk!" about your OH.
 
QR - I don't think that it's unreasonable for your OH to be upset that you went out for 2 hours, and weren't back for 5. If you think about it being the other way round, and he'd done the same to you, say, gone out to play football and then come home hours later than expected, then I'm sure that you would be upset too. Perhaps you just need to be a little more organised and disciplined about coming home when you say that you will.
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PS - if you've spent rent money on the child's party, that may not have helped your OH's mood!
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Things happen. My OH would only be upset if I didn't let him know that I was still alive. He used to go out for a 'short' bike ride and be gone for hours. It's about give and take and each having time and space to do their own thing. Mine is not keen on horses, but he goes to the yard to be with me, just as I go to things he is keen on. He knows that when I go on my own I'll always be later than I say
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I think you need a rational discussion with him, so you can both get your point of view across.

Hugs hun.
 
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PS - if you've spent rent money on the child's party, that may not have helped your OH's mood!
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I think she meant Ben's rent money, i.e. livery money, showing she puts kids before horse.

I have nothing more to add really... being the fence-sitter that I am I think you both have a point. If he doesn't have much time off, then I can understand why he'd be annoyed at having to spend most of it alone with the kids rather than spending time with you. On the other hand, he did overrreact especially since it was "unforseen circumstances" that made you stay longer (it's not like you just got chatting and lost track of time!). Maybe you just need to have a chat with him, tell him that you'll make an effort to cut down on horsey-time when he has days off, but ask him to understand that if a crisis does arise, you may need to be there to help and it doesn't mean you value Ben any more than OH and kids... just that at that precise moment, he needs you more.


Haha, I'm considering a new career.... marriage counsellor, anyone?
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Well, my first reaction was "What a pr*tt", then I thought "Hmmm 5 hours...".
I don't know your setup, I don't know how much time you get together as a family or couple normally, I don't know if you rang him to let him know that a horse had been injured. Also, if it wasn't your horse did you really need to stay once the initial fuss was over? Maybe he is wondering if your priorities are with him and the kids, or with your mate at the yard.
Re the rent money I don't know whose wages that comes out of, but I don't see any particular kudos in having paid for the kid's party out of it. After all, the rent will still have to be paid, and maybe that makes him feel under extra pressure as well. Er, you've just robbed Peter to pay Paul.
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I spend 24/7 with kids except few hours twice week I ride I clean/cook and rest OH comes home plays with kids while I make him coffee then plays internet games while I sort kids put them 2 bed and cook dinner Oh stays there till bed time!

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That sounds like maybe he is the only one who works? Not a problem of course, but I know what it's like to work all day and come home to a "house husband" who wasn't contributing. I didn't expect to do much towards running the household either. But if you aren't getting any quality out of your time together then it's that you need to deal with, or things like horses will easily get blamed for shortcomings in your relationship.
So what I'm saying is that it's about give and take. Horse, hubby, family, that's a lot to juggle, but they all deserve to feel they get enough of your time. The horse however won't give a monkey's if he spends a few more hours a week eating grass.
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i pay 4 my horse he pays nothing, neighbours horse who got injured and who gave me a lift up there so i was kinda stuck up there plus shes a panic sort lol, we spend from 7.30 pm-12/30 every night unless kids wake up and i spend most of his days off with him.i txt him apologising saying there was stuff going on and i would be home asap
 
I think your only dilema is if you should specify in future how long you'll be out with the horse for......
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Your OH was right to feel peeved. If you put the shoe on the other foot, you would most probably have felt the same.

Can't see that you have to sell your horse, perhaps just be a bit more considerate of what others would like to do over the weekend.
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ill run threw my day lol
7.30 up with kids OH leaves for work
8.20 kids have to be dressed breakfast and dressed 4 school
8.40 leave house to put daughter to school, son in buggy with bottle
9.00 ready 2 go up yard to turn out muck out
10.00 home or shopping if i need food
11.00 Nicolai to bed clean house
1pm Nico up play time then breakfast(more house work as he pulls everything out)
3pm pick leo up from school
3.30ish yard run to take in
home by 5pm
6pm feed kids
7pm put dinner on for OH coming home
7.30 OH home plays with kids i make him coffee
8pm i put kids to bed
8.15 dinner usually ready
8.30 i was up dishes
9-12 he plays onlinegames i watch tv

that's my general day i do everything with kids don't think hes bathed his son ever.

only thing that changes on his days off are i ride normally at 3pm after school run through week (bring daughter some times) and we occasionally go out to car shops
 
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I think your only dilema is if you should specify in future how long you'll be out with the horse for......
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Your OH was right to feel peeved. If you put the shoe on the other foot, you would most probably have felt the same.

Can't see that you have to sell your horse, perhaps just be a bit more considerate of what others would like to do over the weekend.
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he has a habbit of disapeering him self lol long bike rides or nipping to halfords 4 hours later hes back from jap performance dont mind lol extra peace lol
 
You two need to sit down and talk when you are both in a mellow mood. Mutual exchange of what you think is good and bad, maybe set a few ground rules.
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Ah in that case it's horses for courses. Except, maybe the kids miss out a bit?

Anyway - I suppose it's all about compromise at the end of the day.

He'll get over it.
 
Every one has said what they think!!! IMHO dont do anything hasty about horse, take a deep breath, leave dust settle , dont sell your horse, you will resent him for ever if you do that. Every problem can have a solution. Hugs in plenty to you.xx
 
I think there is more going on here than simply how long you spend with horse.How do you pay for your horse? Do you have a job at all? Just one idea.Try and find a job/training oportunity.There are many around (training oportunities) that offer child care as well.Once you have your own income you can start demanding that he plays more of a part in the house as well.Getting out of the house will probably benefit you as well.Just my idea anyway.Marriage counselling might also be an idea.You don't sound very happy generally at the moment.
 
ahhh its a hard one. My hubby is not horsey at all - I would go as far to say that he would much rather I had a different h=obby but is sensible enough to not say as much or criticise too much (and yes most of our niggles do revolve around time spent with horses!)

I am not sure he would tolerate me having a horse who I physically had to get in a car and go and tend to twice a day but I have mine at home and get jobs done in short bursts.
However, I have to uderstand where he comes from. He runs his own business and he works long stressful hours and doesnt see a lot of us (myself and children) or have much time to himself to do his hobbies and thats where I think a tiny amount of resentment comes in - I get to do my hobby whilst he looks after the children. I do see myself as very lucky - if I dodnt have children I would be working full time and wouldnt have time for horses anyway - I would have much less free time. I work part time so this pays for the horses and then I have 1 morning to myself a week when children are at school/nursery. again because the horses are at home I can fit in other stuff when children are around like farrier, hay deliveries. I do most of the housework and cooking as well. Its probably taken about 3 years to reach this point where everything is in balance - children, hobbies, family time etc

I used to moan at him when he wanted to do some 'him' time and not spend with the children but realise now that he needs this just as much as me. Its all about balance really and compromise.

He doesnt mind me riding once over the weekend as well as all the maintenance etc but if I scheduled our weekend around me riding and horses over the children then I do feel guilty. Like wise if he did something every weekend that took hours then I wouldnt be happy. I do abosultetly agree that everyone needs time for themselves and their own interests. its not like you sit around all day doing nothing and then have an expensive hobby too. And this was an exception after all.....good luck in talking to your OH.....
 
bloody hell i spend all day at stables at weekend, 8-5 usually and leave my hubby with our 3 year old son.at end of the day we pay a lot of money for horses and whats point in having them and not spending time with them if you can.we still have time as a family but he realises that horses have always been and always will be a big part of my life.5 hrs is nothin tell him to get a grip!!!
 
I have a completely understanding hubby, but if I said two hours and then came back five hours later on one of his only two days off then he would be fuming, and quite rightly so.

I know things happen and stuff doesn't go to plan but maybe it would have been an idea to call him? The anger may have stemmed from him worrying something had happened? Then finding out you had been on a jolly for five hours (It would have been in his eyes) while he was left with the kids.

I can kind of see it from his side, but I don't think one occasion is reason to have to sell your horse.
 
i can see his point to be honest... i try not to stay at the yard all day on the weekend so i can spend time with my OH as we don't get much time together during the week.

he would also be annoyed if i said 2 hours and was 5 as he worries that i am lying somewhere unconcious having been thrown off.

i think it may have been blown out of proportion on both sides tbh, sit down and sort out whether the issue was that you were late as i get the feeling there are bigger issues going on.
 
While I can understand the pique at 3 hours late, are the children his?. A couple I know split up and one of his moans was that he felt like a single parent as took kids to all weekend sports stuff 'cos wife rode at the weekend. I think though this was a symptom of a marriage where neither took much notice of the other, hope this isn't the case for you.
 
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