Bully Sharer...Time to go??

H

Horse_13

New User
Joined
15 March 2018
Messages
5
Visit site
Hi all,

I have come to ask for your opinions on what I should do, basically whether i should leave my share horse or stay put..

Ive shared this horse for many years now, things have been great the lady i share with allows me to take him out, we've been to many shows and made many memories together- literally like having my own horse, its lovely.

Unfortunately, things have turned for the worst for the past year or so. Anything i do with him, she turns it to negativity. I take him out to clinics or shows, she has to comment, or even comments whether the instructor is even doing a good job?
Anything little i do wrong, say i forget to leave the broom in the correct place, probably left a bit of mud on the stable floor from my boots, she goes complete AWOL at me and talks to me like im dirt and proceeds to send me messages on how i don't care about her horse, bearing in mind im not a child, im 22 years of age.
She also accuses me of many things, and im always constantly having to defend myself. It has come to the point that i am worried to go up and see the horse.

I have kept going and ignoring it for the love of this horse but I am not sure if I can carry on with this anymore. The last thing recently that has really ticked the box on whether to leave or not, was when she commented on my weight. Now, Im not a big person nor a stick, I am 5ft5 and weigh just about 8.5/9 stone. The horse is 14hh. She has now told me I am not allowed to jump him or ride him until i lose weight. My weight has never been an issue for the years ive shared, so why now?

I really dont know what to do anymore, its been great as its like having my own horse and I love this pony to pieces. But I feel i shouldnt have to feel this way, and get bad vibes from her that she doesnt want me to share him anyway. From my point of view it seems like she is being a bully, I understand its her horse and if it was my horse and someone shared, id be picky too. But i think this is just ridiculous.

Can I please have your thoughts, im stuck at the moment.

Thank you.
 
Reread your own post. If a friend of yours told you this story and asked you advice - what would you say?

It sounds like she's either jealous or wants rid of you. What is the point of loaning a horse you can't ride?
 
The fact this sounds like newish behaviour makes me think that something has changed in the owners life.

I'd definitely have a conversation with her, ask her if she'd like you to terminate your arrangement and take it from there. Best case she explains whatever has been going on to cause the change in her behaviour so at least you understand, maybe you can work through it if that's the case. Worst case she just says yes and you go find another horse / pony to ride.

Edit: Just to add if you do decide to have the conversation with her and ask her if she'd like you to finish the arrangement then do it on a day where you're calm and happy. And before you've done anything with the horse that day. That way you should hopefully be starting on an even basis with the least amount of emotions.
 
Walk away.. fast before she ruins your self esteem/confidence. Lots of lovely horse owners out there looking for reliable sharers. When you go she will probably realise how much you did for the horse.
 
Walk, in fact RUN!
And don't look back. Theres bigger and better things out there for you. One door closes behind you and you can be pretty sure another one will open up in front of you.

Word of advice though when you do leave, make sure to leave on as good terms as you can and don't mention anything negatively about her or the horse to other people you may meet. Just say unfortunately something came up and you could no longer keep sharing the horse and leave it at that if you are asked.

Be the bigger person, smile and walk. fast. :)
 
You obviously like this pony very much, and have got to know it and built up a relationship over a period of time, and naturally are reluctant to have to say goodbye. I'd be too!

You don't mention the age of the "owner". I wonder, just wonder, having just gone through it myself, whether she is at the age when she might be "going through the change", say late 40's, early 50's mebbe? Sounding about right?? Coz menopause can be hell, sheer hell, and it can basically really stuff-up your emotions and the way you react to even the most mundane things. This might possibly be what's going on for her right now. She might be feeling very insecure and really isn't in control of her emotions - and you are just in the firing line. You have something precious of hers (the pony), and it might be she is harbouring some resentment about the fact that you are enjoying him and doing stuff, and perhaps, for health or other reasons, she isn't able to do so right now, which is causing an element of jealousy and resentment.

IF you are committed to continuing to "share" this pony: then yes, you have the "get-the-hell-out" option which others have suggested.

I suspect strongly tho', that you actually are rather fond of this little pony and that might break your heart........... ??? :(

I don't know what to suggest TBH: you know yourself and what you are prepared to put up with. Perhaps it might be worth trying a "stand back" position and just ignore the nasty remarks; tho' the remark about your weight is NOT nice (and is patently not true either, not in the slightest, so don't go thinking it is, coz it ain't) and is obviously designed to be hurtful, but it does make me suspect that as perhaps an older person she is a bit resentful of a younger person such as you, who can physically do the things she no longer can (and you are younger, prettier, a better rider perhaps, etc etc. - all of which could be everything she isn't any longer, but would wish to be).

You alone know whether you can tough this out or not, and if so, for how long.

I just wonder: are you in a position to make her an offer for this pony? Or perhaps offer to find livery elsewhere so he's not on her hands anymore?? Dunno whether this an option, just throwing ideas out.....
 
curiosity101 said:
The fact this sounds like newish behaviour makes me think that something has changed in the owners life.

I'd definitely have a conversation with her, ask her if she'd like you to terminate your arrangement and take it from there. Best case she explains whatever has been going on to cause the change in her behaviour so at least you understand, maybe you can work through it if that's the case. Worst case she just says yes and you go find another horse / pony to ride.

Edit: Just to add if you do decide to have the conversation with her and ask her if she'd like you to finish the arrangement then do it on a day where you're calm and happy. And before you've done anything with the horse that day. That way you should hopefully be starting on an even basis with the least amount of emotions.
Click to expand...

Given that you’ve previously had many good years I don’t think you’ve anything to lose taking this approach as clearly you can’t carry on as you are. Often this behaviour is because a person is generally unhappy for some unrelated reason.
 
When my children were younger we shared their ponies with young people, took them to shows, PC, and there comes a stage that the pony is no longer capable of doing what they want to do. That is no fault of the pony or the sharer, its just life. I just wonder if she thinks the pony is doing 'too much' and instead of talking to you like the adult you are, she is using the picking to bring up her concerns.
My own way of handling this way to be very open and positive about our sharers riding other peoples horses, the one benefit of not owning your own it the opportunity to ride different sorts.
I do not know if she is adult enough to not take anything you say negatively but I would try and say whether you believe it or not that perhaps its time for some else to have the pleasure of riding of riding the pony and over the summer you will look for something bigger to ride. Depending on how that goes, then perhaps make a quick exit.
 
I too suspect something is happening in this person's life to make her act like this if it's the first time she's displayed this behaviour. I would ask if you could meet up away from the horse for a coffee or something and talk to her about it. I'd ask her if she's aware that the way she's acting is making you feel very unhappy and making you consider whether you should carry on. Say you love the pony and you're really happy riding him but not if she's going to treat you this way. If it all goes t**s up you can walk away at least knowing you tried.

Either that or pick her up on her comments. I always find "Did you mean that to sound as rude as it did?" is always a good one as they have to answer, either with a 'yes' which makes them look awful or an apology which makes them think about what they say and how they say it and you haven't said anything to insult them in return or start an argument.
 
If you think your sharer has got to heavy for your horse (seems unlikely), you don't tell them they cannot ride until they lose weight. You have a conversation with them as to whether it works for both of you to continue sharing the horse or for the sharer to move on to something else.

TBH from the way you have been saying she has had outbursts at you I would walk away rather than be spoken to like that.
 
I would write her a letter explaining how she has been behaving and how it is making you feel. She may be going through something horrendous and taking it out on you. It seems a shame to walk away BUT at the same time this behaviour must stop and if it doesnt then you have to walk away. Good luck. You absolutely do not deserve to be treated like this.
 
curiosity101 said:
The fact this sounds like newish behaviour makes me think that something has changed in the owners life.

I'd definitely have a conversation with her, ask her if she'd like you to terminate your arrangement and take it from there. Best case she explains whatever has been going on to cause the change in her behaviour so at least you understand, maybe you can work through it if that's the case. Worst case she just says yes and you go find another horse / pony to ride.

Edit: Just to add if you do decide to have the conversation with her and ask her if she'd like you to finish the arrangement then do it on a day where you're calm and happy. And before you've done anything with the horse that day. That way you should hopefully be starting on an even basis with the least amount of emotions.
Click to expand...

This is the way to go. Don't do letters or anything in writing! Say how much you love the pony, etc. And as the advice, say nothing to anyone and just look for another share horse. It certainly sounds as though the present situation is making you very unhappy.
 
I am another that thinks you should run not walk. At 8.5/9 stone and 5'5" please don't feel that you need to lose weight, you BMI is on the low side of normal. Look after yourself x
 
It's very clear this situation cannot continue as it is making you unhappy. I think you need to approach the owner and say you feel sad that the share has become untenable as it is clear that the owner seems unhappy with so much that you are doing. It most likely will cause an outpouring of whatever is upsetting her and you get to the bottom of things (as I guarantee YOU won't be the issue), you can then choose to either walk away having dealt with the situation sensibly or if she apologies etc you can then decide to continue the share (as you clearly love he pony) and explain to her that you will not tolerate her treating you like that again.

Hope it all works out for you, very hard for you as you are attached to the pony. I'm a great believer things happen for a reason, so if the share ends, it is because there is something else for you out there. xx
 
You say this persons behaviour has been ongoing for a year or so, this is far too long to tolerate such behaviour

If you wish to talk to her to try to resolve things I would take someone with you or make sure you have people nearby,
she has been picking on you for some time and probably getting away with it and she may not like being approached about it, she may not even be aware she is doing it
I hope all goes well for you but this hobby should make your heart sing, each day you spend with the pony should make you happy
but it sounds as if you are being pushed out by this individual and you are walking on eggshells without even knowing what the problem is
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top