Bullying.

M

Marble Arch

Well-Known Member
Joined
28 March 2011
Messages
63
Visit site
I feel completely embarrassed to admit that I think I am being bullied at work. At 31 years of age its not the best thing to be experiencing.

Its not a physical form of bullying, its mental, which is why its so difficult to actually put it into words.

I started this job in February. It’s a fast paced and aggressive job which requires allot strong individuals. The department is made up of about 5 males 5 females. There are some very strong characters in here. A couple of the women are really feisty – I thought I was until I met these ones, and all the weaker ones just follow in their shadow. One person in particular has made it very clear that I am not ready to be welcomed into the team yet. She has been extremely cold in her use of body language, quite abrupt in the way she talks to me and just generally doesn’t speak to me. It sounds fairly low level stuff but its really not when you’re having to sit through it day in day out. She makes a real effort to make sure she involves everyone else in her conversations, apart from me.

Its actually bringing me to the point that I can’t concentrate on my work, I picture myself getting my coat and walking out. I then my heart races because I feel sorry for myself and start to cry. I then have a regular routine where I lock myself in the toilet cubical to cry my eyes out for about 10 minutes. I have become quite withdrawn as a result and if anyone knew me its so contrary to who I am. I am feeling very nervous and worried all the time – its like I am fretting. I am very stressed and have acquired this relentless exhaustion that seems to be getting worse every day.

The industry I am in doesn’t cater for people who feel like me. Plus, because I am new, and the little proof I have to go on, any grievances would be chucked out. And besides, its so easy to say raise the issue but nothing would be achieved in terms of my status within the team. I know all too well how this works from seeing this third hand.

I just don’t know how to deal with this. My partner reacts by saying “sod her, you don’t need to be friends with her’ – but its so easy for him to just brush it off and belittle the issue.
 
sending you hugs. xxxx I had this last year in fact I left because of it. I couldnt face work any longer and the management knew what the problem was and didnt do anything about it. Have you told your boss or are they the boss? Id look for another job if I were you or if its that bad have you considered going off on sick leave?
 
Don't know if this would help you but I was looking at Bully Online yesterday and found it very helpful, just gave me some ideas of why bullying happens and some good tips on how to handle bullies, its www.bullyonline.org.

Sorry to hear you are going through this experience, sounds horrible. People can be so cruel sometimes, usually seems to stem from jealousy of some kind. Hope you manage to sort it out soon x
 
This is totally unacceptable and any boss worth their weight would have noticed it and put a stop to it before now. Is the company big enough to have a HT department? If so you need to talk to someone there. Ask to have a confidential chat with a personnel officer. If you don't want to make things official they will at least be able to advise you on how best to deal with the situation. And they could have a word with the department head to put them on the look out for such appalling behaviour. You cannot expect to work to the best of your ability. You are already showing clear signs of depression and you need support NOW. It doesn't help you but you should know that bullies like this are generally very insecure and are focusing on you as a means of preventing the spotlight turning on themselves. Good luck. I wish I could help more. I would be mortified if one of my team had to cope with this.
 
Sorry to hear you feel like this but please consider taking the woman aside and having a chat with her about it. I'm playing devils advocate here..I'm not a fan of the 'go to the boss/HR/authority' type answer. She may not even know she's effecting you in this way.

I'm a very straight talking person, call a spade and spade and have a very evil sense of humour, sometimes it can be taken in the wrong way and I had a person in my office take offense at something I said in jest (the rest of the office knew it was a joke). I had no idea she was so sensitive and because she hadn't said anything previously of course I didn't know I'd upset her. We had a chat one afternoon when the office was quiet and she explained she didn't quiet 'get' me sometimes. I just thought she was very quiet and didn't want to be involved in the office, and she thought I was a gobby over confident loud mouth..lol..which I am!! So now it's 100 times better because she knows I'm joking, and I know when to tone it down.

Communication is something that is sadly lacking more often than not now a days. We're so used to texts and emails we forget to sometimes just talk to each other.
 
If you started in Feb they you are probably still on probation - so be careful with going off sick

I would start looking for another position, as this environment clearly doesn't suit you
 
I'm another one who would have a chat with her.

She obviously feels threatened by you for some reason and it may be something that can be really easily resolved just by talking.
 
I have experienced workplace bullying twice, and must admit that on both occasions I left the company. I was not significantly younger than you are now either.

The first time was in a very male-dominated advertising agency where women were either 'totty' or 'notty'. I guess I fell into the latter category and had to put up with an almost endless stream of insults, poor taste jokes, pranks and just plain contempt. I only plucked up the courage to confront the worst culprit at my leaving do, and he was really surprised and shocked and said he had no idea that he had upset me so much.

The second time was in a small design company where the office manager just took a dislike to me. She went out of her way to make things difficult and was always putting me down in front of my colleagues and clients. This actually affected me far worse, as it was so targeted and personal. I would find myself driving along and then having to pull my car over because I would be crying hysterically. She wore a particular brand of perfume that still makes me feel sick when I smell it on anyone else. I left after three months and took a temping job with a massive pay cut.

I am really happy in my job now, and looking back I am still glad I left both companies. We spend a third of our lives at work - that's an awfully long time if things aren't going well.

Some bosses don't do anything about workplace bullying because they think that the 'divide and conquer' approach gives them more control over a team. Also, some just don't take it seriously and don't care.

By all means try to have a chat with your colleague, but if she feels threatened by you she will try to pounce on any weakness, so try not to show her that she's getting to you.

Just keep reminding yourself that they hired you over a lot of other applicants, that you are a capable, confident and competent individual, with talents and skills.

I really hope you can resolve your problem one way or another. Crying in the loo's at work is a horrible place to be (as one who has been there)!!
 
Hello,
The solution is quite simple. 1. You need to get one of the group to become friendly/buddy with you. Then you can highlight the fact to them quitely about what has been going on. Make sure she notices when the other girl starts bullying you. Then you have witness, you will not get any where without one. If someone else is not there to back the story then there is little change of managemnet backing you up. But you also have to ask her to act as a witness before you go to HR.
 
This is a horrible situation to be in, why or why do some people take satisfaction in making other peoples lives miserable.

Unless you are able to meet her head on I think the best thing for your emotional well being is to look for another job. Dont wait to see if it will improve because you will only have your self worth damaged further.

I do hope you are out of this damaging situation sooner rather than later.
 
I have to say as a manager I would be a bit stumped at what to do with you

The bullying is saying that this person is leaving you out - my attitude would be that you are there to work not be pals with people.

I had to bang two of my girls heads together as they fell out - after one "stole" a friend from another. Honestly it doesn't matter how old people are, but play ground politics does not belong in work.

Be unpopular and professional, instead of talking to your colleagues surf H&H and listen to an ipod!
 
TommyAtkins1 said:
Hello,
The solution is quite simple. 1. You need to get one of the group to become friendly/buddy with you. Then you can highlight the fact to them quitely about what has been going on. Make sure she notices when the other girl starts bullying you. Then you have witness, you will not get any where without one. If someone else is not there to back the story then there is little change of managemnet backing you up. But you also have to ask her to act as a witness before you go to HR.
Click to expand...

Agree with this - the divide and conquer approach...

Years and years ago I worked at a company as a senior PA and another lady was teaching me my job - she was a total bi**h! Ignoring me, then snapping at me and basically most of the other stuff you spoke about above. Anyway, I left within a month - years later I bumped into one of the other ladies - actually the MD's PA - she asked me why I left and I told her - she was genuinely shocked and told me that EVERYONE felt the same way about her and that I should have told her! Oh well - too late now! Trust me, I expect everyone has gone through this pathetic "new girl" induction and you need to say something to someone!

Good luck.
 
I cant really offer any advice, I believe in this kind of situation the bully, actually has issues with their own confidence and see you as competition, so is trying to make sure you know who the boss is. I really hope you can find a way to sort this out, and maybe trying to talk to them on their own in the first instance would be best.
 
If it was me, as others have suggested, pick out the friendliest in the group the wriggle your way in that way.
Most places have a bullying in the workplace policy. You don't need to be this ladies best friend but it would be nice if she treated you civally..
If that doesn't work I would ask her "can I join in??" then join on in! Throw yourself in there with the rest :)
AND if that doesn't work move jobs. Life is too short to be unhappy where you work. And tbh you spend most of your week there so you may aswell feel comfortable about where you are working!
 
If it were me, I have to say I'd have a quiet word with the bully. In fact, I have been in the same situation so know exactly what you are going through and in the end, I thought if I left, I never would have resolved the issue and would always have doubts as to why I was picked on and excluded. I felt it would have dented my confidence permenantly if I hadn't confronted her. So I waited until we were alone and I just asked her straight out if I had done something to offend her. I was shaking with nerves and really bricking it but I think she was surprised I'd had the courage to face her. We talked, she appologised and we actually in the end became good friends. So maybe you should try asking her what her problem is. If the situation doesn't resolve, at least you can leave knowing you tried. xx
 
Ilovefoals said:
If it were me, I have to say I'd have a quiet word with the bully. In fact, I have been in the same situation so know exactly what you are going through and in the end, I thought if I left, I never would have resolved the issue and would always have doubts as to why I was picked on and excluded. I felt it would have dented my confidence permenantly if I hadn't confronted her. So I waited until we were alone and I just asked her straight out if I had done something to offend her. I was shaking with nerves and really bricking it but I think she was surprised I'd had the courage to face her. We talked, she appologised and we actually in the end became good friends. So maybe you should try asking her what her problem is. If the situation doesn't resolve, at least you can leave knowing you tried. xx
Click to expand...

This is excellent advice. Often bullies use very subtle tactics that you really can't put your finger on because it means that they are very unlikely to be tackled about it. I would have a word with her and say 'Do you have a problem with me because you are acting as though you do?' If she denies it, then be specific and ask her why she said 'such and such' or ignored you or what ever she has been doing. Good luck. It makes me really angry when I hear about bullying. Bullies are pathetic.
 
That sounds like a horrible situation to be in. Massive hugs. Getting bullied really isn't nice. I've never been bullied in a work-place, only at school...by teachers none the less. So, I don't really want to say 'do this' or 'say this' etc etc because I'm not sure of the repercussions...

A lot of the advice that's been posted so far seems to make sense. But ultimately it is your decision. Hope you get it sorted xoxo
 
I was bullied out of my job. 50% of that was the bullies fault - the other 50% was mine.

Do not let this person ruin it for you - there are procedures in place for you to deal with this, don't feel stupid or inadequate, like a grass or a snitch.

You got that job by merit - its not down to this person to decide wether you fit in or not - you clearly do otherwise you wouldnt have gotten the job!

I walked away from the job I loved and it was the worst decision of my life, please don't choose the same.

Hugs
 
firstly be proud of the fact that she is jealous of you, wow you are better than she is so, you are not going to leave and let her win okay, but what you are gonna do is write down and keep a list of everytime there is, an incident that is clearly classed as bullying for e.g. being rude directly to you, leaving you out of notifications about meetings or other, giving you more work load than you can cope with, or not enough so you feel bored, anything that you can actually have proof okay, then in the meantime there is no point crying or trying to get the others on your side they are/were probably bullied in the beginning as well and to survive they have fallen in line with this bully, so the way to treat a bully is not to talk to them about the issue because then they know they are getting at you, what you have to do is this - if they give you an instruction or request repeat after them what they have said to ensure they know you have heard it correctly and believe me everyone else in the office will be listening to the goings on so they know you have woken up on the right side of the bed today, if the bully tries to accuse you of making a mistake repeat what she is saying to you when she says it, it actually throws them when you do this - mind games. Also learn to speak up in a loudish voice do not be timid like a mouse, they like that and if they ignore you, great you would rather think about your horses and all the nice things in life that this sad person doesnt have. If it ever gets to the stage where you need to have words with her just stand up and speak load and be direct do not swear and whatever you do do not cry, you will win this war and another will take your place to be bullied, sad really.
 
I agree with either confronting her and/or trying to become friendly with another of the group. Poor you, must be awful and there is really no need for it. Big hugs xx
 
beeswax said:
firstly be proud of the fact that she is jealous of you, wow you are better than she is so, you are not going to leave and let her win okay, but what you are gonna do is write down and keep a list of everytime there is, an incident that is clearly classed as bullying for e.g. being rude directly to you, leaving you out of notifications about meetings or other, giving you more work load than you can cope with, or not enough so you feel bored, anything that you can actually have proof okay, then in the meantime there is no point crying or trying to get the others on your side they are/were probably bullied in the beginning as well and to survive they have fallen in line with this bully, so the way to treat a bully is not to talk to them about the issue because then they know they are getting at you, what you have to do is this - if they give you an instruction or request repeat after them what they have said to ensure they know you have heard it correctly and believe me everyone else in the office will be listening to the goings on so they know you have woken up on the right side of the bed today, if the bully tries to accuse you of making a mistake repeat what she is saying to you when she says it, it actually throws them when you do this - mind games. Also learn to speak up in a loudish voice do not be timid like a mouse, they like that and if they ignore you, great you would rather think about your horses and all the nice things in life that this sad person doesnt have. If it ever gets to the stage where you need to have words with her just stand up and speak load and be direct do not swear and whatever you do do not cry, you will win this war and another will take your place to be bullied, sad really.
Click to expand...


Excellent advice!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top