Can’t get over putting my heart horse to sleep a week before Xmas.

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Sophclarky

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Please send some reassurance my way that my beautiful dales pony, Mavro has gone to green pastures.
Yesterday was the day I’d been dreading, the day we had to have him put to sleep due to his issues.
I’ve had him since he was almost 3, he was 10 and a half.
He was my heart horse, first horse and little girls dream come true. He was my therapy in every aspect of life and was the thing which kept me here so many times.
He was diagnosed with hock arthritis in 2022 and many other areas of soreness. He’d also gone blind in one eye which made him difficult to handle, whereas he was once totally bombproof.
He was retired a year ago and has been pampered and never forced to do anything in his entire life with me.
He’s known so much love.
I just can’t get over the guilt of having a baby put to sleep.
He should’ve had two more decades with me- I feel so robbed. But I know he wasn’t right.
He went yesterday with the sun on his back and lots of kisses and treats.
He went down peacefully, I kept telling him to lie down (a trick I’d taught him) and he did just drop to his knees once injected.
I sobbed into his neck and laid with him on the ground for a while kissing his soft nose.
I covered him up and prayed over him until the cremation man came.

I know it’s just his vessel but seeing him laid there lifeless was so confusing, he wasn’t pestering me for treats he was just so still.

I’ve not stopped sobbing my whole body hurts.
I’m no stranger to grief but this has totally broken me.
 

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I'm sorry about your pony - it's the awful price we have to pay for having them in our lives. When my first horse had to be PTS - a long time ago- my friend gave me a piece of paper. It said -the South American gauchos say that when a horse dies it goes high up into the mountains until it reaches a pass called Trapalanda. This is heaven for horses- the grass is always sweet and the water crystal clear. Only men (!) who have truly loved horses can join them there. I still often think of my mare with her head down eating lush green grass, with all of her friends, in that perfect place. You will feel better about this so hang in there. It's been over thirty years since my horse died and I still miss her - and the horses that came after her- but now, when I do think about her, I remember the happy times we had together and how she used to make me laugh. I do hope that the rules have changed and women can now be admitted as I'd love to see her again.
 
I'm so sorry you lost your boy but you know you did the right thing and you were there with him. It really will get better but not yet. The pain will fade but memories remain. You don't have to get over losing him, you only grieve because you loved him so much. Your post brought a tear to my eye and reminded me of ours we have lost and remember.
Be kind to yourself x RIP Mavro . He'll be at the bridge for you x.
 
I’m very sorry or your loss. I remember the pain of losing my first heart horse. I’m very fortunate that I found another (who is now 20 and I’m dreading losing). Take care of yourself, it slowly gets easier.
 
It is very early days yet, no wonder you are so sad. I still miss my horse after 18 months.

I also remember what a vet said when she was asked about having to PTS horses and pets and she said she had worked in countries where the animals just had to die, no one PTS and she said it was a privilege to be able to ease their suffering and have a peaceful and pain free end.

And that is what you gave your horse, a lovely life, a much loved life and a peaceful end.
 
The final honour and act of love we have is to end suffering for our beloved horses. It is 8 weeks today since I had to take that decision and the pain remains, perhaps slightly more hidden than it was but still very much there and it takes very little to trigger tears when I think of him.

Sophclarky try to take peace from knowing he is out of pain and suffering, he knew only love and care with you, he had the best home. There is no shame in admitting how much you are hurting, it took courage for you to write how you are feeling, don't be afraid to tell people how proud you were of him, treasure all your memories, no one can take those away. Time will eventually help you and you will be able to look back and be at peace with yourself knowing you made the right decision for him.

I don't know how old you are or your circumstances, but if it is appropriate for you, there will be another horse somewhere in the world that would be very lucky to find itself into your care and love. Not to replace, that is not possible, but a new beginning when the time and circumstances are right.
 
Oh sweetheart, sadly we all know that pain only too well.

I'm so sorry you are having to try to cope with your grief at what should be a happy time, but you are absolutely right that when you know it's time, you can't delay it.

I hope you can take some solace from the fact that you didn't let your friend suffer. He knew nothing but love right up to the end of his life. xx
 
AdorableAlice said:
The final honour and act of love we have is to end suffering for our beloved horses. It is 8 weeks today since I had to take that decision and the pain remains, perhaps slightly more hidden than it was but still very much there and it takes very little to trigger tears when I think of him.

Sophclarky try to take peace from knowing he is out of pain and suffering, he knew only love and care with you, he had the best home. There is no shame in admitting how much you are hurting, it took courage for you to write how you are feeling, don't be afraid to tell people how proud you were of him, treasure all your memories, no one can take those away. Time will eventually help you and you will be able to look back and be at peace with yourself knowing you made the right decision for him.

I don't know how old you are or your circumstances, but if it is appropriate for you, there will be another horse somewhere in the world that would be very lucky to find itself into your care and love. Not to replace, that is not possible, but a new beginning when the time and circumstances are right.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much. That’s part of my problem and why I’m in so much pain, is that I’m only 24, chronically ill and can’t afford to look for another. I’ve just been totally removed from the world of horses and I feel lost. I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing or such like as I’m autistic and don’t do well with social interaction. So I just feel as if it’s not meant for me now. I was incredibly lucky to have a supportive partner who invested in mavro for me when I was 16, we’ve been together 10 years too and he is also grieving mavro. But in our circumstances we just can’t even begin to look at another horse. When we got mavro he was £750 and everything we got was free or second hand. The world has changed so much now.
 
dorsetladette said:
It sounds he was very lucky to have you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is never a good time of year to do these things.

BHS have a 'friends at the end' service which might help you process your grief.

Friends at the End | The British Horse Society

www.bhs.org.uk www.bhs.org.uk
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I was given a volunteer for throughout the process, I got my condolences message a month early and no message on the day 🥴
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. You knew the time was right and made the bravest decision. He knows he was loved and that you stayed by his side in his darkest hour. You need to take to heal and then one day you will find the right path forward x
 
Sophclarky said:
Please send some reassurance my way that my beautiful dales pony, Mavro has gone to green pastures.
Yesterday was the day I’d been dreading, the day we had to have him put to sleep due to his issues.
I’ve had him since he was almost 3, he was 10 and a half.
He was my heart horse, first horse and little girls dream come true. He was my therapy in every aspect of life and was the thing which kept me here so many times.
He was diagnosed with hock arthritis in 2022 and many other areas of soreness. He’d also gone blind in one eye which made him difficult to handle, whereas he was once totally bombproof.
He was retired a year ago and has been pampered and never forced to do anything in his entire life with me.
He’s known so much love.
I just can’t get over the guilt of having a baby put to sleep.
He should’ve had two more decades with me- I feel so robbed. But I know he wasn’t right.
He went yesterday with the sun on his back and lots of kisses and treats.
He went down peacefully, I kept telling him to lie down (a trick I’d taught him) and he did just drop to his knees once injected.
I sobbed into his neck and laid with him on the ground for a while kissing his soft nose.
I covered him up and prayed over him until the cremation man came.

I know it’s just his vessel but seeing him laid there lifeless was so confusing, he wasn’t pestering me for treats he was just so🌈🌈🌈 still.

I’ve not stopped sobbing my whole body hurts.
I’m no stranger to grief but this has totally broken me.
Click to expand...
know the feeling all to well- you feel broken- lost-empty your amongst other who have been down this route, be good to yourself and think of a way to remember him
a tree - portrait etc.🌈🌈🌈
 
Nothing more to say other than I’m so sorry you are experiencing this pain. It’s been four years for me, and if I think about it for too long I start crying again. We take on this pain so they don’t have to, it’s the last thing we can do for them. Allow yourself to feel the grief, but don’t feel guilty for a second, this is the terrible truth about owning horses that we all eventually have to understand; most of the time we have to choose this for them at the end and live with that decision. I have no words of advice because I basically had a breakdown when I lost my horse of a lifetime, but I do wish I’d had some proper counselling to help me cope, so if that’s something you are open to then I would really consider it. I’m very very sorry for your loss
 
So sorry for your loss and your circumstances. It may not feel like it now, but there will be brighter days ahead and there are people out there who would be happy to share with a quiet, caring compassionate person like you. I lost my heart horse earlier this year too and there are still dark days (today was one) but it does get better 💔
 
No one who has had a horse for 7+ years would put them to sleep lightly, and if you made that decision then I'm sure it was absolutely the right one for him. I'm so sorry for your loss. There are millions of special horses waiting to greet him in heaven.
 
What lovely pictures of your beautiful pony. He knew you loved him, and wherever he is, he will know you did your best to give him a happy life and then to take away his pain and not let him suffer. We love our horses, and they love us back I think. It is very hard to lose a dearly beloved friend. You just miss them so much. Perhaps one day there will be another horse to fill your heart, if your circumstances change and I hope you get better from your illness too.
 
I'm sorry for your loss. Of course you can't get Over it yet, it's only been a week. When my 1st horse died following a field accident, it took 2 yrs before I was ready to think about looking for another. And I've had several since then.
You will probably never 'get over' your loss but you will get used to it. In time you will remember the good times with a smile, rather than tears. You might even begin to think about ways in which you could have another horse but if not you will always have the great memories that you made with your first horse.
You were obviously a great owner who put his needs before your own.
 
I am so sorry. I had to PTS my soulmate of a horse a few weeks ago and the first week after..gosh I have never in my life cried like that. It was horrific.It truly felt like my heart was breaking in two.

You will not get over it, but you will begin to live with it. Take each day as it comes. We all understand how you are feeling. xxx
 
I am so sorry 😔 - your post bought tears to my eyes.

Like so many others on here, I understand only too well what you are going through. I too lost heart horse many years ago, and I had to make that same heartbreaking decision.

It really is the ultimate act of kindness, although it may not feel like that in the early days. Just take each day as it comes, and do what feels right for you. There are certainly no set rules for this chapter of horse ownership.

The only thing that is set in stone is that we are all here for you if you need us. Xx

<<Hugs>>
 
So very sorry for your loss.

It does get easier with time but I know you won't believe me at the moment because your grief is very raw.

Sending love x
 
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