Can anyone help me understand

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Cheetchy

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Hi, bit of a strange one here but here goes.

My best friend and I are on the same yard I moved then she joined me.

The past 2 years since moving we've both had issues, I had a bad fall from my boy at mounting block then he slipped and ruptured a tendon so was on box rest for 6 months, she broke her wrist not horse related and then had a minor fall when her horse spooked (he was 5 at time).

My friend is very novice which she admits and was struggling so has now enlisted the help of someone to ride her horse to help bring him on and to teach her. She's currently walking mostly with some trots but her confidence is still lacking and she's still struggling.

I personally think and her instructor also suggested her ability and the horse she has is a bad combination but she doesn't want to part with him and I would never dream of trying to convince her to do so.. She can walk and working on trot (she's unbalanced and so is he) but she hasn't cantered him or any other horse.

Anyway the reason for this post is because we're often along at the yard together (and in my defence she was making out they had made a bit more progress than they have) I'd asked a few times if she wanted to go to arena and ride together even just in walk (our horses are field buddies) but she kept saying her horse wasn't ready and she wasn't sure how he'd react but then 2 weeks ago our other friend was there and she went down and got on and rode with her and her horse, again I'd asked if she wanted me to join them but she was scared it would be too much so I left my horse in his stable to go down and be there for her and help her on then rode afterwards on my own.

Then last weekend same thing she went down and rode with the same pair then went out a little walk on the country road. She also mentioned she was going to try ride with another girl at the yard and her horse so by this point I was getting miffed and offended.

I've often sacrificed riding to allow her to work on her confidence or I've ridden in our small indoor arena because she's wanted to ride in our outdoor and not been confident enough to ride together. Other liveries would just go down if she was there and ride away but because she's my friend and already said she's scared I wouldn't do that to her.

Anyway it had truly gotten to me and I thought either she didn't trust my ability or she didn't trust my boy so I spoke to her and told her how I felt to which she needed up in tears, she said she trusts me and my horse but it's her own ability she doesn't trust and she doesn't want to put us in danger or to be worrying about her horse cause a scene if I'm riding there. She said she doesn't want to lose the little bit of confidence she has if something went wrong and that because its me she'd be constantly worrying, she said she needs to only be thinking aboit her and her horse without the added pressure of worrying about me getting hurt. I've told her she doesn't need to worry about me because I can deal with my boy and my boy is a good horse, yeah he has the odd spook but he doesnt buck or bolt etc. She's tried to explain she felt the other girl she rode with had years more experience than her or I and her horse is almost 20 so quiet and she didn't feel she had to worry about her if her youngster got reactive which I'm trying to see from her point but still can't help feel offended as it feels like she's saying she doesn't trust my riding or she thinks my boy is going to set hers off.

I feel absolutely terrible because she's getting upset and she doesn't have a bad bone in her body, she's nmalicious so it's not like she's saying that just to hinder us she has a genuine worry, but at the same time during the week I only have evenings and we're both there together at weekend. I'm either riding on my own after she has ridden with our other friend or I'm having to ride in our little indoor arena with a rubbish surface on a lovely day where my big boy finds it more difficult and it's less enjoyable because she's too frightened to ride in there (that's where she had her little fall) and too frightened for me to join her outside.

What would you do? I'm really trying to understand but getting more and more frustrated. The arena's are there for us all to share and the outdoor is big enough for several horses to work together without being in each other's way. I don't want her upset but I also don't want to be standing around watching her ride while my horse is in his stable or to keep waiting about until she's done before I can ride.

It's not as easy as going at different times because I can only go in evenings after work and she is also there then at the weekend we've always gone along together in the afternoon as the horses are out during the day and we both have other stuff on in mornings
 
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I think take a step back - when people have a knock to their confidence they sometimes see the world differently to others. The thought of riding with you and your horse obviously worries her, as you say she is not doing it for malicious reasons. In time, as her confidence grows, she may want to ride with you in the future but for now she doesn't and as a friend it's best to support her in that.

Since you are on a yard can you find someone else to ride with if you are worried about riding alone?
 
Barklands said:
I think take a step back - when people have a knock to their confidence they sometimes see the world differently to others. The thought of riding with you and your horse obviously worries her, as you say she is not doing it for malicious reasons. In time, as her confidence grows, she may want to ride with you in the future but for now she doesn't and as a friend it's best to support her in that.

Since you are on a yard can you find someone else to ride with if you are worried about riding alone?
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I'm trying to do this and have absolutely respected her and not pressed it, I guess I just didn't understand why she would ride with another horse and rider and not us. It did hurt and I'm not worried about riding on my own or with someone else it would just be nice for us to ride together we've always helped each other and I guess I thought I could help her with this too.
 
I agree, take a bit of a step back. You've been really kind - and going out of your way to be so - but personally I think your friend sounds so wrapped up in her own fears that she perhaps didn't clock how accommodating you've been until you told her how you felt. The whole situation with her anxiety and a young horse sounds like a recipe for eventual disaster TBH, but as you say, there's no point telling her to sell the horse and buy something more suitable. In your situation, I would stop trying to accommodate her so much, and just make your own plans. Keep inviting her but make it clear that you're not going to scrap your own plans for her sake - if you want to ride in the outdoor one night, just do it. She can join you or she can do something else. Don't give up your slot to her.
 
Agree with what others have said re. taking a step back. But just to add I wouldn’t be restricting my riding to the indoor to appease her. You are on a livery yard and have as much right to use the facilities that you pay for as she does. Friendships work two ways, if she can ride with other liveries and there is no safety issue it’s time for you to stick up for your self and enjoy your own riding.
 
Esmae said:
I would just let it be. Get on with your horse and let her come to you if she wants to. Relax and enjoy your time and your horse. She'll get over it, don't worry.
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I think this might be the issue, I don't understand what's going on in her head that's knocked her so much and feeling a bit helpless to help her, then other people have noticed she's riding with other people but I can't ride at same time.

I absolutely love her like family and felt Terrible that she'd gotten upset when I tried to ask if it was my ability or my horse that was part of the issue but I couldn't help feeling she didn't think I was capable or that my horse wasn't good enough (maybe a little selfish of me).
 
Cheetchy said:
I think this might be the issue, I don't understand what's going on in her head that's knocked her so much and feeling a bit helpless to help her, then other people have noticed she's riding with other people but I can't ride at same time.

I absolutely love her like family and felt Terrible that she'd gotten upset when I tried to ask if it was my ability or my horse that was part of the issue but I couldn't help feeling she didn't think I was capable or that my horse wasn't good enough (maybe a little selfish of me).
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Just don't worry about it. Just be pleasant when you see her and carry on regardless. Let her work it out. She'll relax eventually and so will you and you'll both wonder why you worried. Just enjoy your horse.
 
She may feel very self conscious riding in front of you because she values your opinion more, since you are friends. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up your own riding time. I would accommodate her where possible and ask her nicely to compromise where you also need to use the school.
 
If this is something which happens every day, and every day you are deferring to her on where you ride, could you suggest that every other day each one of you is able to have 'first dibs' on where to ride, so to speak?

It would just make it a bit fairer if part of the issue is that every day your riding is compromised due to someone else's difficulty.
 
Nocturnal said:
She may feel very self conscious riding in front of you because she values your opinion more, since you are friends. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up your own riding time. I would accommodate her where possible and ask her nicely to compromise where you also need to use the school.
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This, with bells on.
 
Cheetchy said:
Hi, bit of a strange one here but here goes.

My best friend and I are on the same yard I moved then she joined me.

The past 2 years since moving we've both had issues, I had a bad fall from my boy at mounting block then he slipped and ruptured a tendon so was on box rest for 6 months, she broke her wrist not horse related and then had a minor fall when her horse spooked (he was 5 at time).

My friend is very novice which she admits and was struggling so has now enlisted the help of someone to ride her horse to help bring him on and to teach her. She's currently walking mostly with some trots but her confidence is still lacking and she's still struggling.

I personally think and her instructor also suggested her ability and the horse she has is a bad combination but she doesn't want to part with him and I would never dream of trying to convince her to do so.. She can walk and working on trot (she's unbalanced and so is he) but she hasn't cantered him or any other horse.

Anyway the reason for this post is because we're often along at the yard together (and in my defence she was making out they had made a bit more progress than they have) I'd asked a few times if she wanted to go to arena and ride together even just in walk (our horses are field buddies) but she kept saying her horse wasn't ready and she wasn't sure how he'd react but then 2 weeks ago our other friend was there and she went down and got on and rode with her and her horse, again I'd asked if she wanted me to join them but she was scared it would be too much so I left my horse in his stable to go down and be there for her and help her on then rode afterwards on my own.

Then last weekend same thing she went down and rode with the same pair then went out a little walk on the country road. She also mentioned she was going to try ride with another girl at the yard and her horse so by this point I was getting miffed and offended.

I've often sacrificed riding to allow her to work on her confidence or I've ridden in our small indoor arena because she's wanted to ride in our outdoor and not been confident enough to ride together. Other liveries would just go down if she was there and ride away but because she's my friend and already said she's scared I wouldn't do that to her.

Anyway it had truly gotten to me and I thought either she didn't trust my ability or she didn't trust my boy so I spoke to her and told her how I felt to which she needed up in tears, she said she trusts me and my horse but it's her own ability she doesn't trust and she doesn't want to put us in danger or to be worrying about her horse cause a scene if I'm riding there. She said she doesn't want to lose the little bit of confidence she has if something went wrong and that because its me she'd be constantly worrying, she said she needs to only be thinking aboit her and her horse without the added pressure of worrying about me getting hurt. I've told her she doesn't need to worry about me because I can deal with my boy and my boy is a good horse, yeah he has the odd spook but he doesnt buck or bolt etc. She's tried to explain she felt the other girl she rode with had years more experience than her or I and her horse is almost 20 so quiet and she didn't feel she had to worry about her if her youngster got reactive which I'm trying to see from her point but still can't help feel offended as it feels like she's saying she doesn't trust my riding or she thinks my boy is going to set hers off.

I feel absolutely terrible because she's getting upset and she doesn't have a bad bone in her body, she's nmalicious so it's not like she's saying that just to hinder us she has a genuine worry, but at the same time during the week I only have evenings and we're both there together at weekend. I'm either riding on my own after she has ridden with our other friend or I'm having to ride in our little indoor arena with a rubbish surface on a lovely day where my big boy finds it more difficult and it's less enjoyable because she's too frightened to ride in there (that's where she had her little fall) and too frightened for me to join her outside.

What would you do? I'm really trying to understand but getting more and more frustrated. The arena's are there for us all to share and the outdoor is big enough for several horses to work together without being in each other's way. I don't want her upset but I also don't want to be standing around watching her ride while my horse is in his stable or to keep waiting about until she's done before I can ride.

It's not as easy as going at different times because I can only go in evenings after work and she is also there then at the weekend we've always gone along together in the afternoon as the horses are out during the day and we both have other stuff on in mornings
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I would be riding in the outdoor, if she dosent want to ride with you she can wait till your finished. Friendship goes both ways she should be happy to see you riding and enjoying your horse. If she says anything jst tell her you don't enjoy riding in the indoor and that your happy to ride with her. Then it's up to her what she does
 
It may be that she is very conscious that not only you but your horse too hurt yourselves short ago and she is just really concerned she does anything that might cause another injury to either of you. You sound very close so I’d give her the benefit of the doubt that she just really cares and it’s not about your riding.

But I do agree with the poster who says you can’t keep tiptoeing around her and not ride your horse when it suits you. I think taking it day about to ride first is more than fair. It may be the push she needs to decide that riding with you is better than having to wait around but it’s not fair that your always the one doing the waiting.
 
I've been that person who has lost all their confidence and I too was anxious to ride with my friends in case my riding/ my lad picking up on it caused a problem, so for a long time I just rode on my own. I really value my friends opinions and I didn't want them to see me at my weakest point, so I figured it was best to muddle along on my own.

Many of my friends offered countless times and gave up their horsey time to help me, which I am forever grateful for and thanked them endlessly for, but that gripping fear coupled with lack of confidence is a horrid and scary place - I wouldn't take it personally from your friend. Given that both you and your horse have been injured, she's probably in the mindset that until she gets better with her confidence, it isn't fair to be a risk factor to you, your horse, her or her horse getting injured. I know that when I was at my lowest, my main concern was anyone getting hurt who rode with me x

For now I would keep offering to ride with your friend, but also ask if she is planning on riding if you could ride first so that you don't miss out x
 
I have a baby horse who requires a level of competence slightly above my own (dont worry, he is regularly ridden and trained by a professional and i have lessons) and when I first took him out I rode with a friend but only if friend was on her sensible older mare and not her (slightly less) sensible gelding.

My fear was that my baby may spook, that triggers the other horse to jump or spook, which then tells mine "yes, you're right this is scary, let's run away". I wanted to ride him with a sensible mare who, if he spooked, would give him the side eye and communicate "stop being an **** (pick your own term), its just a blade of grass"
 
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