Cannot forget..colic

[Tine123456]

Hello,
I am new here and starting with a sad topic..I guess I am looking for honest opinions/similar experiences...sorry if this is a long story...

I lost my 20 year old mare to colic very suddenly and not coping well...
The night before my parents who live nearby went to feed her because I had a late meeting at work....my mare lives 24 hours in the field with acces to an open stable but the door is never shut..she can choose..

She gets hay and a little grain but not much as she was not ridden anymore for a couple of years..
She has a history of laminitis so I was always careful not feeding her to much grain..

Anyway that night I went to check on her late at night I guess around 23h because although she was fed already I wanted to see her...
I had some carrots with me and I remember that I had to call her a couple of times before she came into the stable...I taught nothing of it because she was fed already an taught she wasn't expecting anyone anymore..
I put the carrots into her bucket but left immediately...did not see if she started eating...I remember that I instinctively checked that she wasn't limping because that was her weak spot with the history of laminitis...But she walked normally ...never ever colic came to mind....as she was living outdoors with constant access to grass and no stress or anything..

The following morning again my parents went in the morning to feed her...They said afterwards we didn't see her imeediately but we were cleaning the stable a little and suddenly she came in...also here they didnt really check if she started eating but just put the feed in her bucket and left..

Then in the afternoon at 3 pm I get a call form the neighbour at work that something is wrong with my mare..
I hurry home and find here in shock...heavily sweating...covered in mud from rolling and sweating and already dehydrated...

I was completely shocked myself ...the vet came...she didnt respons to painkillers...arranged tarnsport...to the clinic
We arrived at 8 pm in the clinic...the surgeon felt distended small intestinal loops...the abdominal tap draw blood...

He said the prognosis was not good because of the bloody abdominal tap..probably a resection needed.
I always swore I wouldnt put my mare through such major surgery anymore ...also because she wasnt been locked up in ten years..
But then I couldnt decide...I was in disbelief... i couldt think anymore...I was ashamed of the condition she was in when we arrived...
I asked the surgeon what was best for my mare...he said ...I would be afraid of complications and suffering...
We let her go...

Ever since this day...I feel awful.....did I miss the signs before...why did she come so slowly the night before? she didnt whinny...
Why my parents didnt see her at first in the morning?
All her feed was empty...also from the morning...but then I read that horses with colic sometimes still eat...

I feel guilty...I cannot believe she is gone....I cannot believe that she was already in shock and actually beyond saving when we arrived at the clinic...
Why didnt I spend some time with here the night before...why didnt I go feeding myself in the morning...

I cannot enjoy horse anymore...everything reminds me of that afwul day..
sorry for my ramble...
Please tell me your honest opinion...
Thanks

 

[ponyparty]

Sounds like you did the right thing. Impossible for me to say whether you missed signs; you probably didn't - when you know your horse very well the slightest thing would alert you to a potential problem. You're likely just doubting yourself, wondering what if, feeling guilty.... all natural phases of grief. I don't really have any words of comfort though, I'm going through similar myself. I lost my horse in traumatic circumstances back in May and I'm still torn up about it. I keep questioning - why didn't I bring him from the new field? And I have SO many regrets from sending him away for "barefoot rehab" before that, I can barely think about it as I just sob. What was I thinking! I felt I had no real choice at the time though. Anyway, I tried to get back into horses in the summer but I just kept comparing every horse to him. I'm hoping I can start riding again in the new year; surely that will have been long enough. I think I just need to get on with it. Sorry, not much help, but you're definitely not alone in feeling like this :'(

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

It's not your fault horses can come down with colic very suddenly fine one minute then it can become very serious really quickly, and horses sometimes do eat with colic my gelding did the only difference was he was shaking all over so I knew something wasn't right.

It's natural to feel guilt whatever the situation when you have to pts it's just a human reaction to a horrible situation, you totally did the right thing letting her go I would have done the same, just try not to beat yourself up over it and I promise it does get easier over time.

 

[Errin Paddywack]

It is so normal to feel guilt. I lost my 23yr old mare to colic 2 Jan 2010. We had been having hard frosts and it was very frosty that day. I still blame myself for not giving her hay in the morning but they had plenty of grass so weren't having hay. We realised she had colic when she didn't want her evening feed and kept looking at her stomach. Vet out straight away and several more times over the night. She asked me quite early on if she was a candidate for surgery and I said no. Her organs started shutting down about 7am and she was put down then. It was probably a strangulating lipoma but we will never know and I will always have a niggling feeling of guilt. The shock is the worst thing, having a healthy animal in the morning and dead less than 24hrs later. I still miss her.

 

[IrishMilo]

Losing a horse is horrible, and I think no matter what the circumstance, we can't help but feel guilt. It's such a normal reaction but it in no way means you did anything wrong. It sounds like your mare had a great life and you 100% did the right thing in not putting her through surgery but rather putting her out of her suffering.

 

[9tails]

I honestly think you didn't miss anything. I can walk around in a daydream thinking I'm not taking any notice, but I would notice anything slightly amiss. I'm certain you would have too.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

TBH if you/your parents had missed the signs, your mare would probably have been dead by the time your neighbour called you. Colic usually comes on very quickly. I think that you did all that you could under the circumstances, I wouldn't put a 20 yr old horse through the travelling and surgery, either - and you followed your vet's advice. I also think that post-operative box rest would be very stressful for a horse used to living out, if by a miracle you had got to that stage.

You are going through the normal stages of grief, following a bereavement, which is only to be expected. Try to concentrate on remembering the good times that you had with her, that will help you to get through this upsetting time.

 

[Tine123456]

Thanks already for your replies....my worst fear is that she was suffering and I just didn't have a clue and was going on with my usual business...because of her lifestyle I never ever taught of the possibility of colic to take her life...
However I think that maybe she was laying down already because it took some time to come into the stable the night before and also my parents said that they at first didn't see her in the field the following morning
Although, she came into her stable that morning without that they had to call her and ate her food...all was empty...
If I replay the events that could have been signs and I feel I should not have missed them...I cannot believe that I didnt make much from it

I used to be passionate about horses and now everything seems useless because I have the feeling I have let her down...

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Thanks already for your replies....my worst fear is that she was suffering and I just didn't have a clue and was going on with my usual business...because of her lifestyle I never ever taught of the possibility of colic to take her life...
However I think that maybe she was laying down already because it took some time to come into the stable the night before and also my parents said that they at first didn't see her in the field the following morning
Although, she came into her stable that morning without that they had to call her and ate her food...all was empty...
If I replay the events that could have been signs and I feel I should not have missed them...I cannot believe that I didnt make much from it

I used to be passionate about horses and now everything seems useless because I have the feeling I have let her down...

As I said above, it is extremely unlikely that your mare had been suffering from colic for hours, never mind days, before anyone expressed concern. Colic usually comes on much more quickly than that. Now you have to consciously turn your thoughts away from all the 'what ifs' because you can't change anything that has happened. When you feel those thoughts coming on, deliberately think about some of the happy times that you enjoyed with her.

 

[Tine123456]

Sounds like you did the right thing. Impossible for me to say whether you missed signs; you probably didn't - when you know your horse very well the slightest thing would alert you to a potential problem. You're likely just doubting yourself, wondering what if, feeling guilty.... all natural phases of grief. I don't really have any words of comfort though, I'm going through similar myself. I lost my horse in traumatic circumstances back in May and I'm still torn up about it. I keep questioning - why didn't I bring him from the new field? And I have SO many regrets from sending him away for "barefoot rehab" before that, I can barely think about it as I just sob. What was I thinking! I felt I had no real choice at the time though. Anyway, I tried to get back into horses in the summer but I just kept comparing every horse to him. I'm hoping I can start riding again in the new year; surely that will have been long enough. I think I just need to get on with it. Sorry, not much help, but you're definitely not alone in feeling like this :'(

I am so sorry about your horse...I have the feeling that all the magic about horses is gone because it is overshadowed by the unforeseen death of my mare...I taught she was going to live for at least another 10 years...I think I will never own another horse ...I would be worried all the time....

 

[ponyparty]

As I said above, it is extremely unlikely that your mare had been suffering from colic for hours, never mind days, before anyone expressed concern. Colic usually comes on much more quickly than that. Now you have to consciously turn your thoughts away from all the 'what ifs' because you can't change anything that has happened. When you feel those thoughts coming on, deliberately think about some of the happy times that you enjoyed with her.

That is sound advice PaS and I'm going to try and follow it myself too!

OP, I get it. Honestly. There's no pressure on you to own another horse though; not until - or if - you feel ready. I genuinely think I'd be better if I did own another horse but it's not feasible right now due to lack of time and money. I've put the idea on the back burner fora few years. I'm spending lots of time listening to podcasts, going to webinars, reading up on biomechanics, and continuing to learn as much as I can about the health of the horse. It makes me feel better for some reason; like I'm actively doing something to prepare for the next one. Probably stupid, and I'll have forgotten it all by then, but it takes my mind off things too!