Cheer up time - horsey jokes

[Petalpoos]

I feel we need a new happy thread or two for the new lockdown, so how about everyone’s favourite horse related joke or cartoon?

I will start us off with an old chestnut (pun entirely intended in this context):

Horse walks into a bar.

Barman says: “Why the long face?”.

 

[Meowy Catkin]

I always found these funny. My happy hack is chestnut so it fits perfectly!

This feels very familiar too.

 

[ycbm]

White horse walks into a bar.

Barman says "we've got a whisky named after you! ".

"What, Eric?", says the horse.

 

[ycbm]

This is my favourite cartoon because Thelwell did two versions of it. The other one is a normal size rider on a fat horse who ends up a stick thin rider on the same fat horse

 

[scruffyponies]

A Horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

 

[YorksG]

I always found these funny. My happy hack is chestnut so it fits perfectly!

This feels very familiar too.

We have the top one of these on the living room wall, in honour of the late, rather orange, appaloosa ?

 

[ycbm]

A Horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

?

 

[Petalpoos]

Do your research first, eh!

https://www.horseandhound.co.uk/features/funny-horse-jokes-588963

 

[Petalpoos]

In full:
1. A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water, but can’t make him drink.
2. I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did! Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.


3. A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks: “Why the long face?”
4. I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding. After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.
5. A horse walks into a bar. “Hey,” says the barman. “Yes please,” says the horse.
6. What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race? Sherbet.
7. Have you heard the one about the runaway horse? It’s a terrible tale of WHOA!
8. Where do horses go when they’re sick? The horsepital.
9. What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
10. Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey? In case he takes offence.
11. What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours.
12. A pony went to the doctor complaining about having a sore throat. The doctor said: “It’s OK, you’re just a little horse.”
13. Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!”
Another horse breaks in: “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”
“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another.
At this point, the horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”
The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”
14. How do you spell ‘Hungry Horse’ in four letters? MTGG.

 

[Lois Lame]

Sorry, edited incorrectly and double-posted.

 

[Lois Lame]

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.

The barman doesn't say anything, but glances at the horse while mixing the drink.

The horse glances his way when the drink is placed on the bar, and places a fifty pound note on the bar.

The barman picks up the note and glances again at the horse. He thinks: Hmm. That horse doesn't look very smart. I know! I'll short-change him! And he hands over two pounds and twenty-eight pence.

"You know," says the barman, striking up a friendly conversation, "we don't get many horses in here."

The horse says, "Well, at forty-seven pounds and seventy-two pence a drink, I'm not surprised."

 

[SBJT]

I love this book series. They always make me laugh.

 

[SBJT]

Our every ride.

 

[ycbm]

I've borrowed one

What cheese do horses eat in a world pandemic?

Mask a pony! Boom boom ?

 

[Lois Lame]

I always found these funny. My happy hack is chestnut so it fits perfectly!

This feels very familiar too.

That person is a great artist. I always thought she should make a calendar but maybe it would sell her work too cheaply, I don't know.

 

[welshpony216]

my favorite topic hear are a few...

• a cowboy buys a horse from a kind man. the kind man says "this horse will only go if you say 'good girl' and will only stop when you say 'thank you' the cowboy payed the kind man and set off for the day mounted on his new horse. He was cantering along later that day and saw a cliff. remembering the kind mans words, he said 'thank you' the horse stopped on stride short of the cliff. glad the horse obeyed him, the cowboy patted her and said 'good girl'.
• A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.
  
  “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.
  
  “I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.”
  
  The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”
  
  The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
  
  
  
• A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
  
  The horse says, “Buddy—you read my mind!”
  
  

 

[thefarsideofthefield]

A man is driving his car along a country road when it breaks down . He gets out , opens the bonnet and looks helplessly at the engine .
" It's the fan belt " says a voice .
The man looks up and sees a white horse looking at him over a gate . " Sorry ? " he says
" Your fan belt has snapped " Says the horse " If you replace it with your own belt it should last long enough to get you to the garage in the next village ."
The stunned man does as the horse suggests , replaces the fan belt , starts the car and then thanks the horse for his help .
" No problem " says the horse .
The man drives to the next village and finds the garage . As his car is being repaired he tells the mechanic about the talking horse .
" Wow , that's really strange " says the mechanic
" I'll say !" agrees the man
" What colour was the horse ? " asks the mechanic
" White " says the man " Why ? "
" Ahh " replies the mechanic " ' That explains it - it's usually a black horse in that field . And he knows nothing about engines ."

 

[hobo]

Love the talking horses ones.

 

[ycbm]

Adapting a pig one.

One day a man drove by a farm in Belgium and saw a three-legged horse. The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me, but why does that horse only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that horse is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the horse, and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing!" said the man, but why does the horse only have three legs?"

"Well, there was that time the horse saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The horse ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that horse we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the horse only has 3 legs."

"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up a tree, but I was too far away to hear his cries for help. The horse ran to me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is a miracle, but how come that horse only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point.

"Well," said the farmer, "with a horse that special... you don't eat it all at once."

Sorry!

 

[ycbm]

Copied from Druid on an earlier thread. I know a version with a crow and a donkey better.

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"